Friday, May 25, 2018

Honestly Quiet - Grow with Me?

We girls have that XX chromosome thing that sometimes makes us feel like we have to share everything on our minds to whomever especially if we're feeling emotional about something or God forbid, we get our feelings hurt.  Yeah, well feelings lie to us all the time. And when we pay too close attention to some of them, it only gets us into further trouble.  And because of that, I truly believe that honesty is not always the best policy.  (I have been guilty of this recently.  So please know when you read this that it applies to me and whether or not it applies to you is.... well, up to you as I do not know your story.  You can read it and watch me grow as a woman, TTWD/WTI wife and online friend and be here right alongside with me as I do so.  Or you can read it and apply it to your own life where you see similarities and I will be right here alongside you.  Or you can stop reading now, obviously, and wait for a funnier post. But, I would like to ask you so very sincerely to stick around and grow with me and share with me your important and meaningful  thoughts in the comment section below.)

I am not saying dishonesty is ever the right answer. What I mean by needing to be honestly quiet is that we should  more often keep something in our spirits and between ourselves and God (or whatever your beliefs are) before we open our mouths or our phones and our laptops and wound a loved one because we are overcome with our feelings of absolutely having to share every thought, opinion, and emotion that comes into our brains.  But, I feel hurt. Yeah?  Well, most likely so does she/he even though that wasn't your intent and it most likely wasn't hers/his either.

I would so much more rather be hurt than hurt somebody especially Storm or someone else in my life whom I cherish.  Feeling hurt is hard to swallow, but I think I need to take more time with it .......... when things go wrong I believe we have simply 2 choices.  We can try to resolve it or dissolve it.  Resolving means having to work it out verbally and emotionally with the other person.  If this is our husbands we're talking about, then resolving it is most likely the most common thing we all try to do. That is a lot of what we do in domestic discipline relationships.  But if that resolution isn't coming forth and we ignore the fact that perhaps we should just dissolve it within our own feminine inner talk and then Let.It.Go., we're going to get spanked and we should.

While I will never write anything disrespectful about Storm,  I absolutely have some work to do with being respectful to him in every day life.  He thinks I show respect more often than I think I do........ and I am sure we are both partially right and we are working on it together.  Him noticing the disrespect and following through with discipline..... me recognizing changes that need to occur in myself within our marriage and actively, on purpose, I am determined to be more respectful. And quiet. More quiet.

I am heartbroken and that is awful enough when someone else is the cause, but this time I did it to myself.  I am not a new TTWD wife, but I sometimes feel like one because of all the stops and starts.  I have never cried before, during, or after a spanking.  And now, I am crying as I write this before the next one even happens and I will not be surprised at all if I cry during it or afterwards.  I told this to Storm and he said, "That's okay if you do."   Yesterday, he was standing between my legs (clothed) helping me process all of this as I (also clothed) was sitting on the side of the bed with him wrapped in each others' arms.   "You're a wonderful man.  You are truly just an incredible husband and human being."  He starts to do that thing where one person begins returning the compliments, but before he can even get more than one word out, I hug him tighter and just very gently say,  "Please don't say the words back to me."  He is quiet and graciously allows me to continue.  "I am so sorry that I said that to you about being bored.  I am so so sorry."   And since I posted What Not To Say 4 days ago, I have had to reprocess it all over again because of the incredible feedback that I frankly, was not prepared for.  I am here to share. I am here to learn.  I am here to laugh.  And I am here to be told directly, but kindly, when I am wrong in my efforts as a TTWD/WTI wife.  But, it hit me hard and I took it to heart, yet I am not mad at anyone and would rather the truth be spoken in love any day of the week, which is what all of you did in your honest, sweet, wise, funny, and heartfelt comments.  I love and appreciate every single response.   So, I thought I had processed all of it when I wrote the last blog entry, but I hadn't........ I have never been more ashamed in my role as a submissive wife.  I apologized again to Storm in a very sincere way.......... and he told me that he had already taken care of the issue when he spanked me the 2nd time that day.  He said we already dealt with it and that I didn't need to feel bad about it because it was resolved.  He holds me tighter and is not upset with me and says these gentle words to me, "We make a good team, Babe."  And three days later, during a role affirmation spanking, he tells me several things, but one central point is that he forgave me already and that I need to forgive myself.  And now, I believe that I have. And I thank you, dear Readers and Bloggers....... for helping me grow.  Through your humor and honesty and sweetness, you helped me through something that I was not aware of ......  that this thing wasn't dissolved within my own mind and heart.  Until now.

I grew up in a home that yelled. (The people, not the house... I'm not that nuts.) Screamed. Cried. Fought..........yet loved fiercely and deeply....... Isn't that an interesting contrast?   I felt loved and that I was the most undeserving, ungrateful kid on the face of the earth at the same time. It was very confusing.  I learned sharing good feelings was fine, but sharing anything other than that was met with punishment, silence, guilt, and emotional blackmail and rarely an apology.  And so sometimes, I have a hard time with my words when I feel negative emotions.  So I'll just often dissolve my perceived (and sometimes imaginary) hurt to begin with to avoid the possibility of hurting someone else's feelings.  But, that's not fair, one might say Maybe not.  But, that's the way it is sometimes.  As I reflect on things we have been through here in our home that aren't appropriate for me to write on this blog at this time, I remember where we were  and how far we have come.  So the not fair thing?  It's not really that big of a deal in the great scheme of life.  Besides,  I'm strong and I will get over it.  And Storm is right here with me, just a half step in front of me, encouraging me, loving me every single day and so I am even stronger.  We are stronger.

My husband is a reasonable guy and has always been a peacemaker.  I am, too, mostly.  I can count on one hand the times in our marriage where I have seen or heard him really angry and believe me, it scares me, not because he is mean, but because I know I have done something to really really upset him.   I have a very specific memory of one of these times and it was pre-dd days and he was not at all authoritative.  We had been bickering and by that I mean that I was yapping at him but not yelling.    (That is one thing he would not put up with even then.  He grew up in a household that was too quiet.  Peaceful?  Yes.  Good communication and affection? No. Storm and I have found our own balance in our home.)  So I think it was one of the most dominant times I have ever seen him but I didn't know what it was at the time ....... and my reaction now that I look back on it was very interesting and foretelling of our domestic discipline future, but we had never heard of such a thing back then.   Anyway, I believe I gave him the old, "Whatever, I'm done talking about this now.  I don't want to talk about it anymore.'  I do not remember the subject of the argument.  But, for the first time in our marriage, his voice got stern and lower and he looked straight into my eyes and said, "No, we will talk about this NOW."  I immediately stilled, thought uh oh, and I was actually scared. Not that he would do anything inappropriate, just that I had pushed him this far to make him come completely out of his normal calm demeanor.  A shadow came over him and I snapped my mouth shut faster than a Hungry Hungry Hippo chasing a marble and I gave him my absolute full attention....... I instinctively reacted to his authority.   And I am glad that I did.  And right now as I am writing this, I wonder for the first time looking back on this......if this is the root of where that yearning for submission to my husband began.  Wow.  My goodness.  These are the kind of nuggets that I am searching for and this one just sneaked up on me.   

Words have a way of doing that.  May we all be careful with them whether we're reading them, writing them, speaking them, interpreting them, or just keeping them to ourselves when we decide to be honestly quiet.  

Monday, May 21, 2018

I'm Bored -- What Not to Say After A Spanking

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What not to say to your husband after he has just spanked your rear end and it is still partially afire: "I'm bored." And then one really really shouldn't laugh and keep laughing. Me, I was laughing, he was not.
All I can think of is that we were disconnected. The previous day my Storm was in a very cloudy mood. It was mostly work related. He has explained to me that he is trying to decompress.  But, he looks really ticked off while he is doing this even though he is not.  He is almost always calm......and when he gets stressed, he gets calmer (I find it ironic and funny that I have named him Storm.) Anyway, let's say it is Fall and it is a nice 70 degrees with a slight humidity in the air.  Imagine the most serene picture of oh, let's say a creek and a bridge and the salmon are running (each with a tiny little gym shoe) and their tales are splashing the water as each fights his way upstream like a wet HOH on a mission after his errant wife.   You can hear the water and smell nature all around.  It's like one of those old relaxation cd's .....  Inhale the fresh air in through your nose and exhale through your mouth and ..... COUGH because of the pollution and then hack once more for the state of our EPA (asthmatics notice these things.)  It's shady but you can see some sunlight through the hills and over the huge trees.  Calm yet?  Okay, so now put that picture in black and white.  Lower the temperature to about 60.  Just a little too cold now.  Turn off the sound of the bubbling brook and it's pretty little cascading rapids.  The birds stop chirping.  The slight breeze is gone so the air feels a little thicker on your skin.  Okay, so it is calm, but it is an uncomfortable calm.  Got it?  

It didn't help that while he was in his office watching a documentary on his laptop, I was trying to clean around him. But, in my defense, you'd have to see it to believe it. It looked like the backroom at the post office exploded. Twice.  I will be shredding piles and piles of unneeded confidential papers until the cows come home. Well, it is still a mess, but it's clean (vacuumed for 2 hours, I kid you not.) Did I mention our pet bird lives in there? And he refuses to take a bath for the past 5 years?! Dander and bird seed and dust, oh my! ..... Benadryl is my friend.  Recently, I had reason and his permission to look at something in his email and I noticed a certain number in his inbox --  11,191.  I pointed at it, completely forgot what I was looking for in the first place, he was peering over my shoulder...... and I fell to the ground laughing and I heard him laughing behind me. His email inbox reflects the current state of his office.  This is so him. The absent minded professor side of him who thinks and works better in a cluttered office than a neat one.   I don't know if our internet provider is going to charge us extra when he finally gets around to trying to delete all those UNREAD emails, but I won't blame them if they do.  They will have to choose whether they bill us electronically or through snail mail.  Either way, it won't get read any time soon. 

So Storm was off in his black and white picture, I was feeling the distance, and it carried over into our role affirmation session the next day.  I just was not feeling it. Physically, yes.  Emotionally? Nope. So although I did as I was asked (told), I didn't have my normal submissive, loving reaction after the spanking. Thus, when asked how I was feeling, I said, "I'm bored." Then the laughing. But, then my naked man said he was about ready to get another implement out and use it on me. I didn't care. I repeat, I do not know what was wrong with me.  What a goofy reaction.  I did better the 2nd time, perhaps because he followed through on his threat. But, even after talking a while afterwards and me down on my knees for a bit trying to purge that stress right out of him with my mouth working him like a whistling Steamboat Willie, we just weren't on the same page. Until later when he asked if I wanted a Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ. Oooooh, yes! And then we enjoyed our treat and laughed and talked about a future blog piece I was working on and he gave me some great ideas that were very funny. Then the laughing was appropriate. So, the spankings didn't connect us this time, but the ice cream did.

Fast forward about 2 weeks until just right this second (well, half an hour ago.)  It has been a little over a week since my launching and he gave me that time to get up and running and the space to talk to you gals online and gave me support whenever I needed it. So after some warm up spanks and what I imagine was a pink rear end because that's how it felt, he said, "This is what I like right here.  I've missed this."  Awwww, I mean, owwww.  At the end of the spanking, I was still bending over the bed and was catching my breath from the intensity of it because my bottom was more sensitive since it was MIA for over a week, and Storm says from behind me, "Are you bored?"  knowing full well that I WAS NOT.  I have never gone from an intense spanking to laughter so fast in my ttwd life.  "No, I am not bored! Are you kidding me!?"  He had used our new paddle which is non-affectionately named  THUD by me (although the jury is technically still out on this one.)  He helps me up and my head is tucked into his shoulder, his hardness against my middle. And then, "I really like your blog." My brain jolted as it shifted gears again. Spanking-Submission-Laughing-What?!
Me: "You do?"
Storm: "Yes, I check it every day and the comments too."
Me:   "You do?"  
Storm:  "Yes, and I am proud of you."
Me:  "Why?" I pull my head off of his shoulder and look up at him......... because I just can't not look at him.
Storm:  "I can tell you're having a good time and you're writing again and I enjoy reading what you write and the ladies seem to like it."   Gulp.  He enjoyed what happened next, too.