A Fun Twist on The Proverbs Wife

My parents were recently here for a visit and my father complimented and thanked me for the neatness and welcoming feeling that he got when his room and bed were all ready for him.  Me, "Well, I'm no Proverbs 31 wife."   Dad, "Yes, you are.'   Me, "Well, not as much as I should be."   Dad, "Well, you're a Proverbs 31 daughter."   Aw, how sweet was that?   Anyway, here are some various verses from The Good Book, describing the qualities of a good wife/woman and the silly side of what I think of myself  when I occasionally run across them for some reason.


10 Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?  (I can be found sitting here in front of my computer thanks to all of your interesting blogs and the writing for mine.)

11 Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life. (Her husband can trust her with his riches.)

12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.  (Except for the time when I used uncooked long grain rice instead of instant rice in my broccoli, cheese, and rice casserole. Who knew it wasn't supposed to be crunchy? )

13 She finds wool and flax and busily spins it.  (Nope, totally allergic to wool and almost all non human life, but I can certainly try to spin a spanking tale.)

14 She is like a merchant’s ship, bringing her food from afar.   (She moves around with a yellow vehicular Wide Load sign on her rear end and she had to go all the way across town for those hot beef sandwiches with the peppers and special dipping sauce.  It's not that they taste all that great, it's just that we need the au jus .... otherwise we'd choke on the dryness of the beef and Italian bread. )


15 She gets up before dawn to prepare breakfast for her household and plan the day’s work for her servant girls.   (I wouldn't have to get up and prepare anything for anybody if I had servant girls.)


16 She goes to inspect a field and buys it; with her earnings she plants a vineyard. (Totally misread this as "earrings" the first time through, I promise.  She sold her earrings to buy the land because her husband said he'd build her a house.)


17 She is energetic and strong, a hard worker.  (She started a blog and she's exhausted.)


18 She makes sure her dealings are profitable; her lamp burns late into the night.  (I clip coupons; yeah, uh, that is my Nook Glowlight.)


19 Her hands are busy spinning thread, her fingers twisting fiber.  (I'm no Rumpelstiltskin and at my age, I'm eating the fiber............... And what's with all this spinning? Didn't we do this in verse 13 already?  Vertigo? No thanks, been there done that.)


21 She has no fear of winter for her household, for everyone has warm clothes.  (I am a force to be reckoned with when I am behind the snow blower.  Winter or not, spankings are still on the bare! )


22 She makes her own bedspreads.  (But, I still fight with the fitted sheets every time I try to put them on the bed.)


She dresses in fine linen and purple gowns.  (My carpet might not match my drapes (ask Storm?), but my new mint green long sleeved t-shirt matches my new pretty panties today! And, yes, I showed him!)


23 Her husband is well known at the city gates, where he sits with the other civic leaders. (He is kind of known a little in TTWD Land, otherwise he avoids most people at all costs, but yes he is my leader. )


24 She makes belted linen garments and sashes to sell to the merchants. (I'm sorry, what? I got sidetracked at "belted.")


26 When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness. (But she tells Blogger where it can shove it, daily.)


27 She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness. (I watch as everything goes from clean to dirty in a heartbeat!  And start to clean again and think,  "Didn't I just do this like 3 hours ago?!!)


28 Her children stand and bless her.  Her husband praises her: (The children need to stand up, give me a kiss, and get themselves in bed already.  Then her husband can get on the side of her bed and look down at her and .......praise her for her efforts of a different kind.)


29“There are many virtuous and capable women in the world, but you surpass them all!” (TTWD Spankees Rock!!! )


31 Reward her for all she has done.  Let her deeds publicly declare her praise.  (And then spank her 
anyway.)

Which ones of these makes you think of something clever or funny about yourself...... ?   Please feel free to tell on yourself in the comments below or just share your thoughts as usual, no pressure!