Wednesday, September 26, 2018

Vulnerability

Any time I do something new in our marriage, I feel vulnerable.  Even simple things like cooking a meal that I have never made before or a dessert. Storm is a real trooper and has never complained once in all these years.  I have!  Me, "Ugh, I can't eat this.  How can you eat this?"   He just does.  He also likes it when I cook new things, so he is not going to complain about me experimenting.  Ever have one of those days when you're making dinner and it smells good and he says, "What are you making?"  Me, "I have no idea.  I am just throwing what sounds good together!"   One time I did that and he so enjoyed the dish that he wanted me to keep making it, so I asked him what we should call it.  He said,  "Majestic Interlude."   Ridiculous and hilarious.  Well, at least he didn't say, "Afternoon delight."

I remember the first time that Storm told me that he loved me.  I felt that I did love him, but I had never told a guy that I loved him before....... so I first tested to see what it meant to him to have said that to me because I was absolutely guarding my heart.  I asked him, "Have you ever said 'I love you' to a girl before?"  And he answered honestly, "Yes."   This made me feel vulnerable and I just could not say it back to him because I didn't know the level of love he felt or if they were just words to him.  I suspected they were not just empty words and that he did love me, but I needed more time before I declared my love for a guy for the very first time.  And so that was the end of that for me for a long time ....... until I knew that he loved me for sure.  Then I finally decided to trust him and I told him I loved him, too.

Sex can make me feel vulnerable.   If Storm  and I have not been intimate for a long time for some reason, a particular kind of vulnerability returns to me temporarily, until he holds me safely and gently in his arms and coaxes me to give myself up to him again.  Something similar happens when life has unfortunately gotten in the way of our spanking times.  Then on the day I know the spanking it to take place, I get all nervous again almost like the very first time we ever tried spanking in a dd type situation.  Whew, boy.  I get kind of shy and my tummy is all flipping around.   For the sexual intercourse part , an emotional and mental process  leads to physical changes in my body.  At first, we are lying naked in our bed stretched out next to one another.  He is on his side facing me and I am on my back.  And then he starts caressing places.  There are times when I roll onto my side to face him and I hide my face in his neck as I throw my arm around him.  "I'm embarrassed, Honey."   He reassures,  "Oh, don't be embarrassed, Babe, I've got you."   I feel safe with my face and lips hidden in the crook of his neck and shoulder.  He will slowly caress the parts of me that he can reach, which includes my rear end and that always gets blood flowing in the right places.  And slowly he will ease me onto my back once again and do what husbands know how to do before they touch that very most intimate place we gals hold tightly.  When he puts his hand there, I will often put my face in his shoulder again......... and he slowly keeps at it until I just start to relax and get more turned on.  Then the magic starts happening and I spread my legs a little wider for him, OR he will dominantly spread them for me, but not in a bossy way and not until he reads that my body and mind are ready.  He knows.  And then comes the point where I am all the way open to him, physically, emotionally, and mentally........ and it is an incredibly freeing and sexy thing for me.  Storm knows this and so it is all of those things to him, too.  And then when I reach that point of no return, the ultimate surrendering of my body to his, boy does he love that and talks it out of me sometimes in his sex voice where he knows he is about to give his wife the ultimate pleasure and he''s proud of it , "Yeah, Babe, that's it, come on......."    And I do.

I don't want to be invulnerable.  I do want to be a strong woman, but I don't want to be one that is incapable of being emotionally moved by Storm or by my close friends and family.  I get myself into trouble when I put up walls....... I am the most guilty of this with very close friends so I do have to be careful with that defense mechanism.  It is not good if I go quiet.  My good friends know this.  It is not an offensive strategy or manipulation on my part.  It's a temporary shut down until I process the feelings and thoughts that I need to.  And sometimes I wait until they reassure me in some way and then I feel safer to open up and trust them with my feelings.

I'm not crazy about feeling naked or exposed, but I do want to be able to live my life and have a few relationships where I allow myself to be unguarded.  Because why should I have to have a protective shell over myself with friends and loved ones who I trust?   I can't give of myself if I am closed off.  It doesn't mean I share everything, but I share what fits the friendship and the situation and the level of comfortability  we have with one another.  Except for Storm, because with him, I do share everything, "To infinity and beyond," to quote a wise man named Buzz Lightyear.

What are your feelings about vulnerability?  Are they good, bad, or a mixture of both?


14 comments:

  1. Hi Windy, what a beautiful post, and so beautifully expresse! I love those moments when I am vulnerable with Rick, because they always lead to the most wonderful, intimate connection, both physically and emotionally for both of us.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi, Roz! I'm so pleased to hear you share some of these same vulnerable feelings with Rick in such a wonderful way, too! The connection you speak of is so special, isn't it? That's why I wanted to write about it. I knew a lot of gals could relate to this in some way. Thanks so much for sharing your personal feelings on this one between you and Rick. Love it! Hugs! Windy

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  2. Hi Windy,

    That is an awesome post and resonates within me. You put into words what I am feeling! It was lovely and I am glad Storm holds you safely while you find your submissive core again.
    Boo

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    1. Hi, Boo! How wonderful you can relate to this as well! Must just be that special husband and wife thing that happens sometimes, I guess! It was submission years before I even knew to call it that..... but not in a d/s type way..... just as a woman opening up to her husband! Woo! Thanks for sharing! Hugs! Windy

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  3. I am in a vulnerable stage again (it happens when 'real' life gets too wrapped up in our relationship) and truthfully I HATE it...... I do way too much crying.... and that upsets Sir Steve.... he tries to hold me and comfort me but then I get all 'strong' and say "I'm just being silly" instead of telling him honestly what's going on in my head........

    ahhh the things I have to work on.......... (le sigh)

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    1. Hi, MorningStar! We all have things to work on and we even admit it most of the time. LOL! But, I wish you could be honest with your Sir..... I know it is risky, but things aren't going to get solved if you do not truly share with him and then put up that wall of "I'm being silly." I wish you well in whatever you decide to do and may it bring you peace of mind and happiness with Sir. Thanks for sharing your feelings here! Hugs! Windy

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  4. Interesting word, vulnerability ... For me, it can take on different meanings. There is the emotional vulnerability that we show our SO's, who know us like no other and who we trust implicitly with our heart, soul and body. Although we may feel vulnerable there is no fear with this type of vulnerability, only love. On the other hand, there is the vulnerability we feel when we face certain situations ... be they internal or external that cause us fear or trepidation. It is in these situations when many of us put up walls ... to protect ourselves from others or from our own internal fear and it is a natural response ... not always to be overcome but at least to be recognized for what it is.

    .... Whew my friend! ... such a deep conversation for a hump day morning ... hugs! ... nj

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    1. Excellent response NJ, one I can relate to on so many levels. Our experience has been that the latter type of vulnerability described becomes less and less prevalent in my life the stronger our connection is. You are correct though, that some will never go away but hold less fear as time goes on.

      ****
      Often we hear that women/subs should show their vulnerability in ttwd. A discussion years ago on a blog talked about it being a necessary evil to get to where we want to be, but not the destination. Being willing to be vulnerable is what makes us flourish, actually feeling vulnerable, at least in my experience deminishes when we are on point. I feel like the "king of the word' and nothing can touch me during these times.

      Sounds like you are discovering a lot of what makes you tick Windy.

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    2. Hi, NJ! What, you didn't know it was deep discussion Wednesday? LOL I like when you talk about the 2nd kind of vulnerability and that it just has to be recognized and not always overcome. Good point and I think I needed to hear that. But, the other kind of vulnerability -- the body, heart, and soul kind.... yes it is wonderful and not a source of fear at all. Thanks NJ for knockin' your noggin' on this one and offering some insight. I appreciate you! Hugs! Windy

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    3. EC, I am not trying to show my husband my vulnerability on purpose, nor would I ever withhold it from him. I simply wrote what is and how he helps me through it and that he guides it all to something wonderful throughout many times in our entire marriage, ttwd or otherwise. Thanks for reading. Windy

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  5. Windy,
    Describing your loving time with Storm really touched my heart. Giving yourself totally to your husband is a true gift and it always feels wonderful once you get to that point of surrender. I thought your post so loving and heartfelt. I actually teared up as I read it this morning. You two make a wonderful, strong, loving team. You let us in to see how his dominance and your surrender mesh on your marriage bed. It was lovely to read. Storm keeps you safe as you find your surrender. Beautiful!
    Meredith

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    1. Meredith,
      Oh, I love the way you said, "get to that point of surrender." I guess I just felt like sharing the sweet and tender private moments of our marriage but not in a sexy way --- in an honest, but loving way. I wanted to capture the surrendering part because that is at the heart of it all for me and Storm. And he loves me right through it all. I'm glad this piece of writing touched your heart, Meredith, and that you think what Storm and I have is beautiful. Thank you. Hugs! Windy

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  6. This post really spoke to me. I have experienced similar feelings of vulnerability whether making a new recipe or making love after a long time and my hubby said "I love you" long before I ever felt ready even though deep down I probably knew...but I needed that time to learn to trust my feelings and to trust his...and now we say I love you every day and I trust it every time. :-) Thanks for sharing and hugs

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    1. Oh, wow, Terps, thank you for sharing about that special vulnerability you often feel with your husband, too, throughout the years! It's so interesting to me when I find out you gals feel very similar things that I have. I don't know why it still surprises me and I have said that before, but it is still so true! Your husband sounds wonderful, Terps, and I am glad you two have a healthy relationship. I'm happy for you. Hugs! Windy

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