Any time I do something new in our marriage, I feel vulnerable. Even simple things like cooking a meal that I have never made before or a dessert. Storm is a real trooper and has never complained once in all these years. I have! Me, "Ugh, I can't eat this. How can you eat this?" He just does. He also likes it when I cook new things, so he is not going to complain about me experimenting. Ever have one of those days when you're making dinner and it smells good and he says, "What are you making?" Me, "I have no idea. I am just throwing what sounds good together!" One time I did that and he so enjoyed the dish that he wanted me to keep making it, so I asked him what we should call it. He said, "Majestic Interlude." Ridiculous and hilarious. Well, at least he didn't say, "Afternoon delight."
I remember the first time that Storm told me that he loved me. I felt that I did love him, but I had never told a guy that I loved him before....... so I first tested to see what it meant to him to have said that to me because I was absolutely guarding my heart. I asked him, "Have you ever said 'I love you' to a girl before?" And he answered honestly, "Yes." This made me feel vulnerable and I just could not say it back to him because I didn't know the level of love he felt or if they were just words to him. I suspected they were not just empty words and that he did love me, but I needed more time before I declared my love for a guy for the very first time. And so that was the end of that for me for a long time ....... until I knew that he loved me for sure. Then I finally decided to trust him and I told him I loved him, too.
Sex can make me feel vulnerable. If Storm and I have not been intimate for a long time for some reason, a particular kind of vulnerability returns to me temporarily, until he holds me safely and gently in his arms and coaxes me to give myself up to him again. Something similar happens when life has unfortunately gotten in the way of our spanking times. Then on the day I know the spanking it to take place, I get all nervous again almost like the very first time we ever tried spanking in a dd type situation. Whew, boy. I get kind of shy and my tummy is all flipping around. For the sexual intercourse part , an emotional and mental process leads to physical changes in my body. At first, we are lying naked in our bed stretched out next to one another. He is on his side facing me and I am on my back. And then he starts caressing places. There are times when I roll onto my side to face him and I hide my face in his neck as I throw my arm around him. "I'm embarrassed, Honey." He reassures, "Oh, don't be embarrassed, Babe, I've got you." I feel safe with my face and lips hidden in the crook of his neck and shoulder. He will slowly caress the parts of me that he can reach, which includes my rear end and that always gets blood flowing in the right places. And slowly he will ease me onto my back once again and do what husbands know how to do before they touch that very most intimate place we gals hold tightly. When he puts his hand there, I will often put my face in his shoulder again......... and he slowly keeps at it until I just start to relax and get more turned on. Then the magic starts happening and I spread my legs a little wider for him, OR he will dominantly spread them for me, but not in a bossy way and not until he reads that my body and mind are ready. He knows. And then comes the point where I am all the way open to him, physically, emotionally, and mentally........ and it is an incredibly freeing and sexy thing for me. Storm knows this and so it is all of those things to him, too. And then when I reach that point of no return, the ultimate surrendering of my body to his, boy does he love that and talks it out of me sometimes in his sex voice where he knows he is about to give his wife the ultimate pleasure and he''s proud of it , "Yeah, Babe, that's it, come on......." And I do.
I don't want to be invulnerable. I do want to be a strong woman, but I don't want to be one that is incapable of being emotionally moved by Storm or by my close friends and family. I get myself into trouble when I put up walls....... I am the most guilty of this with very close friends so I do have to be careful with that defense mechanism. It is not good if I go quiet. My good friends know this. It is not an offensive strategy or manipulation on my part. It's a temporary shut down until I process the feelings and thoughts that I need to. And sometimes I wait until they reassure me in some way and then I feel safer to open up and trust them with my feelings.
I'm not crazy about feeling naked or exposed, but I do want to be able to live my life and have a few relationships where I allow myself to be unguarded. Because why should I have to have a protective shell over myself with friends and loved ones who I trust? I can't give of myself if I am closed off. It doesn't mean I share everything, but I share what fits the friendship and the situation and the level of comfortability we have with one another. Except for Storm, because with him, I do share everything, "To infinity and beyond," to quote a wise man named Buzz Lightyear.
What are your feelings about vulnerability? Are they good, bad, or a mixture of both?