Does Sensitivity make us Weak or Strong?

I want to discuss the ins and outs of sensitivity. Windy, we don’t care if you’re sensitive or not. Well, I care, and it's my blog so......

Do you think there is some sort of connection between being submissive wives with the desire and the need to be spanked by our husbands and the idea that we are a very sensitive group of women?  (Guys, if you're the submissive, spanked ones, you're included here, too.)  I'm sure we don't all have the same level and type of sensitivity, but here are some synonyms that I believe are prevalent here in ttwd blog land:  thoughtful, tactful, sympathetic, discerning, and compassionate.  I name those so that everyone sees that I do not mean the word sensitive as any kind of insult whatsoever.  While I do not believe that to be sensitive is to be anxious, I do think if you're anxious, you're sensitive.  And by "you", I mean ME.  But, feel free to join me if you feel that describes you, too.

From her Psychology Today article Coping with Anxiety as an HSP, author, Deborah Ward, comments, “Because Highly Sensitive People absorb so much stimulation from their environment, we are more susceptible to these feelings of anxiety. A recent study showed that people with a more sensitive ‘startle’ reflex, that is, highly sensitive people, are more susceptible to anxiety disorders because we have different genes than others, making it harder for us to deal with emotional arousal.”

 I try very hard to take care of the emotions of the people that I sincerely care about. I know how to love..... as a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a friend.  I am not responsible for their emotions or whether or not they have a good day or for their happiness, but as a highly sensitive person, I struggle not to take those kinds of feelings on.  On a different level, I do feel somewhat accountable for Storm's happiness because we have chosen to tackle this life together, and while no one person has the complete ability to make another person happy, we certainly do play a big role in it with our significant others.  Do you agree?  Or no?

While I do feel that I know how to love deeply, unfortunately anxiety is a close second.  I am a professional at it and I spend a lot of my day treading disquieted waters.  Things that often scare me do not scare others.  Sometimes I can explain it, sometimes I can't.  Sometimes I want to, sometimes I don't.  Does it come from one significant traumatic event?  Repeated childhood traumas?  Health struggles within our home?  A mentally unstable parent or caretaker?  Religious trauma?   Hmmm.  I'm not answering those questions even though I am the one who just wrote them!

My reaction to what I see or hear quickly manifests itself physically.  I have vivid memories from the age of 9, siting at the top of our hallway stairs so many times I have lost count, praying and encountering feelings that I could not yet identify.  (My parents were screaming at one another.)  At first, flames lick at my heart, and smoke fills my chest.  A sickening feeling claws its way up the back of my neck and my ears get hot……… and then it all falls to the pit of my stomach and settles in there achingly.  My heart races for hours.

Okay, let's look at this from a different angle and see if something positive is gained by those of us with this kind of anxiety/sensitivity.

“Increasingly psychologists are recognising the strengths of anxious people. For example, there’s research showing that people more prone to anxiety are quicker to detect threats and better at lie detection.  http://thecreativemind.net/419/to-be-more-creative-deal-with-anxiety/

No wonder why I don't trust the current administration.  GEEZE!

I believe there is a particular kind of strength in sensitivity, although I think others often perceive it as weakness.  For example, I think it takes great strength to be empathetic to other people whether they are strangers on the television news or personal friends.  I think for we sensitive gals that it displays compassion and discernment to put the feelings of a loved one ahead of our own especially in an emotionally charged situation.  I can go quickly from thinking I was the one who was hurt, but as soon as I hear a friend's voice and I recognize that she's hurt,  my mission changes completely.   That part isn't easy....... that shift........ but I can do it.   So you'll apologize if you're not sorry?  No, I would never do that because that would make me insincere and if I am any one thing in my life other than anxious, it is sincere.  I may be a sincere idiot...... but, hey .....

If I have any doubts about weakness or strength, I often look to Storm. He is far from perfect as am I, but as he says to me often, “We make a good team, Babe.”  I freak out, he stays calm. He’s too distracted or absorbed with learning everything he can every waking moment, I flash him some skin and get his attention. I also give him the space he needs to get back up to speed, but not too long because I hate it when he withdraws.  Anyway…… Storm is meek…… humble……. Some might confuse his quietness with weakness. However, the loudest person isn’t necessarily the strongest person. In fact, the opposite is often true.  And could it be that the anxious, sensitive gal who wants her husband to spank her just might be the most resilient?

Spanking and steak -- How do you take it?

Me after a recent spanking, "What's it look like?"

Storm, "It's pretty pink."

Me, "It feels Medium Rare."

  

Please tell me how you take it..... your spanking and your steak!

 

 

Rosie, we all know that this is how red Harry tried to make your bum one time, but please feel free to tell us how you prefer your steak!  (Scroll down here to read Rosie's strawberry statement in the comment section of my Food and Sex post!)

Good Vibrations

Recently, I was over Storm's lap for some very sexy spanking.  Holy cow, he had that whole finger-thumb-combo-smack-my-ass-thing going on, and he was saying incredibly sexy things.  "That's right, Honey, give me your ........."    (fill that in yourselves, ladies!).   In my head, I was all, "Oh, just TAKE it!"

I don't always like to orgasm before Storm, but it's a tricky situation.  He can get me there with his hands first, but I still want to be all in "You sexy beast" mode when I am giving him a blow job or if we're having intercourse.  As soon as I orgasm, it is game over for me and so I'd just be down there with lock jaw.  I am down there as his devoted wife who wants to meet his sexual needs and I do not try to rush him, but my point is that I prefer to be turned on while I am pleasing him or while we are pleasuring one another.  So there are times when he will use the vibrator on me after he has been satisfied.  This particular time, I was getting very turned on, the muscles in my arms, legs, and neck were straining.... reaching.... and then I gave him our private signal (like who else is watching?!)  to increase the vibrator to the next level.  I heard and felt the shift.  My body came off the bed like some invisible EMT's had just shocked my heart back to life.  My arms shot east and west, my neck jerked like somebody just yanked my hair (it wasn't Storm, I promise), my pelvis wasn't sure if it wanted more or if it was ready to cry uncle........  and I pulled my left hamstring which caused the heel of my foot  to be pulled backwards and up to my thigh.   I was now displayed like a pocket knife in all its glory -- with all of it's arms and tools open in every direction.   My mouth felt like Ghost Face from the movie Scream.  But, Storm said I looked hot, so I went with it.

Totally worth all the patience of getting there, the ups and the downs and the Am-I-going-to-get-there-or-should-I-give-up?  Totally worth it indeed.  Or so I thought, until I woke up in the middle of the night because I was dreaming that I was in pain from the tip of both middle fingers all the way up my arms and into my shoulders.  When I opened my eyes, I found that pain was real !    It was that deep, achy, super overused bursitis kind of pain and no way could I fall back to sleep without the moist heating pad and 4 ibuprofen.

The clitoris and the vibrator have a love hate relationship.  Back in the late 1800's, the first battery operated vibrator was not intended for use on "female hysteria."  So can you imagine the thoughts of the very first massager that was ever used for sexual pleasure?  What is this body part?  It's so tiny.  And it smells different.  Hey, I wasn't made for this.  I feel violated.  Wait! What's my safe word?!!!  Over the years, businesses learned how to tailor these love machines for the woman's body and with safer materials.  I bet the original ones were still pretty clueless. The new ones are smart and probably think a couple of things:  1) You'd better peak now, lady, because there is only one higher setting     2)  You think this level isn't enough,  just wait to you hit the next level up button......  ZAP!  Told ya!  You look like were just struck like lightening.  3) I'd like to file a complaint with OSHA.  I missed my break, I've worked too many overtime hours this week!   4) Wait, the guy that is holding me.... why am I doing HIS job?!  I've always heard robots are going to take over human jobs, but THIS job?  

And I as a woman, stare down at this vibrator and say, " I know what you're thinking.  You, shut up, right now, or I will take your batteries out!   This isn't about the guys....... this is about women finally getting our needs met. "   Of course the vibrator concedes,  All right, but when it comes to spanking, that is still HIS job.  I refuse. 

I smile.  It's a deal.   But, it is a really good thing that vibrators cannot talk, isn't it?  Or would it be more interesting if they did?

What is TTWD Worth?

The waves are rough in Storm and Windy's world right now.  At one point during our emotionally charged discussion two nights ago , I asked him, "What do we do with this?  Do we bring TTWD along with us here in the middle of this or do we set it aside in this situation?"  I told him I was trying so hard to let him lead, but when it comes right down to matters of the serious urgent kind, I really struggle with this.  I'm a person at the table who comes up with the first idea..... and it's usually a decent one.  Storm sits back, observes, and then shares his well thought out ideas.  It is never a competition.  It's teamwork where we are equal members............ however, I want him to lead.  I do not want to have to take over the situation.  I certainly can, but I don't want to.

I'm thankful for the few hours of alone time we had tonight so sort all of this out and find solid ground together.  We almost always have to delay spankings due to lack of privacy.   So I will say that this more immediate from of TTWD worked well for me tonight and although things were very intense for a while here, there was no silence by me avoiding him. I did retreat to the bedroom because I just wasn't feeling well having been up half the night before.  In the past, this usually meant I was mad at him, walking away from him.  He doesn't get mad at me for this and he comes in after me  to talk, but I usually give him a hard time for a while first.  But, not this time. I didn't feel like playing the emotion card or I hate what you just said out there or whatever.  He came to me and started the conversation again, with strength and reassurance.  Then out came the spanking implement that he hasn't used in a while because he's getting so good at it with his hand now, it's painful enough!  But, this was more of a serious nature by far, so he wanted to get his points across.   Across my buns, that is.  

Halfway through, he asked me to stand and we hugged.  I am totally naked and he is not.   We've never brought this one specific area up in our TTWD before, but I will say it is something I couldn't tolerate in the past.  This time, I want to let TTWD in, and as the final decision maker, Storm agreed he thought it was best that we get on with it.  So it is during the break when he is holding me that I cry for the very first time during a spanking session.  It wasn't an ugly cry, but I did put my face in my hands.  "I'm so worried about this... I am trying to keep it together in front of the rest of the family.......  I'm sorry for whatever I said...... for ......"  He reassured me that he is right here, that we are in this together, that he will be here to keep us steady.......  and then he said let's finish up, so I bent back over.  I wouldn't classify Storm as a Lecturer,  He is more of a Reminder and a Soother.

 Afterwards, we stretched alongside one another in bed and talked softly in between comfortable and natural moments of silence for a few minutes.  Then I said, "Let me help relieve your stress, too."  And I scooted down the bed and tenderly began to touch and stroke him, which at first is not sexual.... it's just soft and feminine. He tells me, "I love it when you touch me."  

Tonight, for the very first time, I cried during a spanking.  Since we've been practicing for around 10 years, I"d say this is pretty significant.  It wasn't because it hurt, although it did.  It isn't something that I am proud of, but I'm not ashamed either.  I think I am still processing all of it.

Even more detailed communication between us took place over the next 24 hours and we have found ourselves clarifying and defining what "Bringing TTWD in" means specifically.      It's scary for me and we're swimming into uncharted waters, but what is TTWD really worth if we don't use it in difficult times?

On the Matter of Trust

Early on and more than once in our ttwd days, I said to my husband, "Do you have any idea the level of trust I have in you to in order for us to do this?  Every single time you spank....... the vulnerability for me would be too much if I did not completely trust you.   First of all, I have to trust you with this desire in the first place.  Then I have to trust you not to physically hurt me, to take the responsibility of using your hand or learning to use an implement -- you are in charge of that, not me."

As he and I reflect together upon that question, Storm tells me something similar to what he said way back then.  (And, yes, I have my laptop right here with me and I am typing as we both speak.)  "It's easier to trust me but it is more challenging for me to kind of  'get there'  because I am not a type A personality, authoritative naturally, that kind of guy.  Everybody is looking for that perfect combination of safe but risky.  The bad boy kind of a thing, but feel safe first.  I think it would be hardest to feel safe with someone who is unpredictable and who might go too far.    Nobody is going to be perfect so you have to error on one side or the other.  There could be anger issues or being overall too emotional, volatile ..... harder for you to feel safe with someone like that.  I am going to error on the side of caution."

"Emotional, volatile .... do not describe you at all, "I  tell him.  "Do think that describes me?
Storm says, "I wasn't trying to." 
Hmm.....  I evaluate with him out loud about myself.  "Emotional? Yes.  Volatile? ...... Gotta look that one up".  The description says, tense, that would be a yes.  Strained.... meaning how news anchor Chris Matthews often squints into the studio cameras?  Yeah, I'd say I get that look on my face several times a day, especially when I am watching and trying to figure out why our Congress is sitting on Capitol Hill with their thumbs up their rear ends or each others'.   Uneasy? Yep....   but not charged, explosive, inflammatory or turbulent.... not those.

As Storm listens to this and thinks for himself, he replies honestly, "I am not sure I would feel safe being spanked by you, not that I want to as I do not."   We both laugh.  He adds,  "You have said that yourself, "I'd spank the crap out of you."   I did say that to him, but when I said it I was not angry with him at all, it was just merely an observation on my part of how much I feel agitated by him or his words, actions, or inactions.  Which gets me spanked.  Gah!  And the reason for this kind of statement to my HOH in the first place is that this was during a time when we were discussing the kinds of things that I should be in trouble for.  I was giving him examples of things that he would be in trouble for ...........  I do like to grab and smack his butt when I'm flirting with him because that is something we have always done long before the d/s, dd, ttwd stuff, but I absolutely do not want to spank him.  I just want to get mad at him and then he can spank me.  :)  But, that's just because I feel safe with him.

You know those awful occasions when you and your spouse have a ttwd collapse because of some kind of miscommunication?  One of the last ones we had started out with us both anticipating some alone time later in the evening.  We talked about what I might like..... and I wasn't vague about any of it.  I went through the rest of my day expecting some sexy spanking time and then some kind of lovemaking, whatever Storm decided would be fine.  Didn't happen folks....... somehow we  (he) ended up going straight for the sex and I was just shocked.  And then I got angry because when I share with Storm what my sexual/spanking needs are and he misses it somehow, it infuriates me.  I sat there saying, "We had specific things that we talked about that we both agreed we would engage in just a few hours ago ......what part of that did you not get?"  Oh, he got it, but this was just one of those times when things just broke down quickly and so did our ttwd.  We resolved it, but it was a painful process. 

So how does this involve trust?  Because I trust him with my vulnerability when I ask for my spanking needs to be met. I know he hears me, but if something throws him off balance and I feel like I'm left hanging, it causes me to be embarrassed for even having asked him in the first place.  It feels awful because I am not usually embarrassed with him about anything at all.

We don't just decide on our wedding day that we're going to mutually trust, it's just the official, legal starting date.  We trust emotionally, mentally, and physically and that takes regular nourishment from both parties.....things like time, attention, support, advice, accepting responsibility for our words, actions, inactions, and forgiveness.  For me, all of that maintains our trust. If any of those things start to go missing or unaddressed, the level of trust is going to suffer for it until it is repaired.

How do you feel about the trust within the scope of the dynamics of your relationship, ttwd or otherwise?

Food and Sex - N'er the two shall meet

The food belongs before the sex.........   or afterwards when the pizza man comes.   That's what works for Storm and me although the timing of the delivery can be tricky.  You don't want Papa Johns pounding on the door when you and your man are still nekkid!  Oh, Windy, where is your sense of adventure?  I don't know, but here is my sense of humor:

Thoughts on why Storm and I do not often combine food and sex:

Open your mouth, here is a sexy strawberry.  Were these washed with vinegar water for 3 minutes and rinsed really well?  Please don't drop it because the stain will never come out of these sheets!

How about hot tea and toast in bed when you're sick?  Storm doesn't appreciate crumbs in his underwear.

The spreading of anything all over your bodies.....  Storm is too hairy. Everywhere.  For me, the idea of stripping is just fine, but stripping the bed of its sticky sheets after  even mind blowing sex?  No, thanks! Laundry is not like an after sex cigarette to me although even that wouldn't be satisfying in the least for an asthmatic like me.  Cough! Wheeze!

How about putting anything banana or cucumber shaped food items in your Bermuda Triangle?   We all know entire ships and airplanes have been lost up there.  The only thing I will say is that nothing foreign that was once alive and is now dead has ever gone into that orifice, but one time something that weighed 9 lbs. came out of there and it hasn't stopped making noise ever since.

So no 9 1/2 Weeks in the kitchen for us.  However, if fruit to you is like spanking for me, have at it !

Besides, Storm prefers to eat almost all food with a fork and a knife.  Funny things like pizza both thin crust and thick crust.  I don't think I have ever seen him with a piece of fried chicken in his hands........ he opens the skin like he's doing surgery with his knife and then forks out all the meat.  Years ago when we were still young marrieds, I caught him with a toothpick at his computer and a bowl full of Planters' Cheese Balls.  He was stabbing them and eating them.  I laughed so hard.  Apparently, the man did not want a cheesy keyboard.

To answer the unaddressed question, what about that other spot.... not the mouth.... not the vagina... you know where?    I have enough problems with keeping my other orifices in full operation and I do not need to flirt with trouble with this one as well.  That is NOT a doctor's visit I want to make.  Anything that requires a "base" or a wide "handle"or has the word "plug " in it, sounds to me that it belongs in the garage.  And even if  I wanted to test the waters down at Rocky Road, should something go awry, I have to meet my deductible again as of January 2019, and I'd prefer not to pay out of pocket for something lost way up inside my "back pocket!"    Yes, I am educated on the subject, yes I know how it is all supposed to work ........ not happening, friends.  I dislike it when people say dumb things like Don't knock it until you have tried it because the same can be said of motor oil. Who wants to taste that?  Nope.  Put it in the garage with all the other scary tools!