TTWD - Tough Titties, We're Dead

I am a big fan of fishing hats/baseball hats. I wear them most of the time when I am out of the house, but every once in a while I decide to dress up for Storm.  Last night was one of those occasions.

I imagine some of you wear near full make-up daily, curl your hair, and wear a nice outfit if you're going to work or somewhere other than running errands and grocery shopping.   I did all that when I was active in my former profession and for the many church services we attended, etc.  But, life has brought some different experiences our way, some nice and some not very fun at all, and that just altered the way I feel about many things, and I allowed it to influence the way I often look.  I have almost never cared about fashion, having my purse match my outfit, and all that.  I'm happy being me, the former athlete, the fisher gal, mom, and wife who is comfortable in my own way.

Working together as a family, also in our own unique way, none of us have been in bed before midnight all week. This occurred for very good reasons, and we're all lifting one another up here in our tired stupors.  We were preparing for a special event to go to Friday and Saturday night and the dress code varies from street clothes to business casual.  The first night I was in jeans and one of my fishing caps, but the 2nd night, I decided to dress up for Storm.  Here's how that went down:

Early in the day, Saturday, I messaged a friend that I was tossing around the idea that maybe I'd dress up a bit,  and she was all, "Oh, hell, give it a go!  Make it a girly girl night, if nothing but for your man. Be sexy over and under!"  (If you think that 'voice' sounds familiar, you're right, but I will let you guess which blogger friend it was.) My first thought,  AH GEEZE, really?  Lingerie.......?     And so.... I sent her the following  picture and asked if this was what she had in mind.......  "Hahaha! The ultimate fishnet stockings!!!," was her reply.

So I rifled through my drawer of ladies' things and found some pretty, sexy panties that matched the sexy black bra that I planned on wearing. I sighed and knew that I was headed for about a four hour wedgie for the night.  I reminded myself that I need to look really good for Storm at least every once in a while which motivated me toward assembling the rest of my outfit for the evening.  I was going with black and red.

I searched the entire closet looking for my black spaghetti-strapped undershirt  I hadn't worn it in over a year and couldn't find it. I looked 3 times on the clothes racks on the left and the right side.  Completely on accident, I then started a closet project and hung up all the clothes that were everywhere on the floor and also spilling out of a giant suitcase.  It was a danger zone right outside the door where I kept tossing mostly empty boxes that used to hold stuff that was shipped here for Christmas, but I still did not find the black undershirt that I wanted.  I spent about 2 hours cleaning up that closet only to find it already hanging up on the 4th pass of going through hanger by hanger on the racks. Grrrrr!  Well, at least the closet looks about 75 percent better.  

Next, I took a shower, in which I turned on my shower head and Storm's at the opposite end, then I let the hot sprays hit my body everywhere.  Ahhhh.  It was wonderful!  After that, I was all set with my pretty panties, sexy black bra, black shirt, red blouse ....... and for the first time in my life, I knew I would be showing just a little bit of cleavage.  I'm generally just not comfortable doing that and my boobs are not huge anyway, so it's never really been an issue.  Well, the few (many) extra pounds that I am carrying adds some weight to this area (as well as others), and I now have a bit of cleavage.  I looked down and was a bit impressed, if I do say so myself.  I threw on my black velvet dress pants, stockings (not of the fishnet variety), and black dress up boots.

After blow drying and curling my hair, and about 10 minutes of applying make-up which is about 9 minutes more than I usually spend, it was time to look at my jewelry.  This is not a fun event for me either.  However, I knew I would be added several pieces to my wardrobe that night that Storm had bought for me on special occasions in years past.  Each symbolizes something secret about our TTWD relationship and I only wear these specific items when I dress fancy. 

My left ear regrows its virginity every few days.  EVERY single I time that I put earrings in, the right one goes in smoothly.  The left one, I can get the post through the front, but not the back, so I have to wiggle it around and feel on the back of my ear for the post, find the thinnest spot of skin, and PUNCH it through to the other side. I actually hear it popping, breaking the skin each time!  And, yes, it sometimes bleeds if it's been a while. Dang thing keeps regenerating it's earlobe hymen!  Thank God the real hymen never grows back!  Losing that was......... OUCH!

I was meeting Storm at the event for the night so I thought about taking a picture of my cleavage and that I might send it along with a little flirty text for Storm's viewing pleasure.  However, once I took the picture, I wasn't that impressed with myself and I also feared I would accidentally send it to his mother....... and the text I wanted to send would have been much "worse" than accidentally showing her a bit of my cleavage.  So, my first sexting attempt was a no go.

When Storm saw me for the first time that night at the event, he ran his eyes over me appreciatively, I raised one eyebrow, stepped very close to him and announced for his ears (and eyes) only, "I have cleavage, Honey!"  He replied, "I see that. Very nice. I know where I"m going to be looking all night."   We settled into our seats, had a few minutes before the event started, so I texted my friend just to let her know that I took her advice to heart, "I dressed up, including lingerie.  Now I have a wedgie.  Thx a lot!"  I threw my phone back into my matching red purse whose tags I removed just before leaving the house. Gasp!  How about that?!  I talked about the great view we had from our seats, and he commented on the great view he had down the front of my blouse.  I decided that my effort to dress up for him was worth it right then. 

Four hours later, Storm went ahead of me to bed as I had a couple of things that absolutely still needed my attention.  He was fast asleep in bed by the time I got there.  I still had on all of my nice clothes.  I gently shook his shoulder and got his very sleepy attention for just a minute.  I stripped for the man who was half asleep and wearing his full sleep apnea gear.  I showed him what we were both way too exhausted to do anything about, but I did get some encouraging nods, a smile, and a kiss from a man who looked like he was going snorkeling ........ and then we cuddled and fell asleep.

It was a sweet ending to an exhausting yet important week.  Most of the time in our home, TTWD stands for This Thing We Do.  But tonight, it stood for Tough Titties, We're Dead.

Loving Before Knowing

Ever wonder how long it takes the average couple to fall in love?   And do you think it's possible that we can fall in love before we truly know someone?

For Storm and me, it was pretty traditional at first.  We fell in love in our teens, but we knew we wanted to get married after only about six months of dating.  How can a 16 and a 17 year old possibly know this?  You were just in puppy love and your lucked out that in turned into something serious, lasting, and led to marriage.  Maybe, but I don't think so.  I just knew.  We spent many hours sitting in his parents' white Oldsmobile out in front of my house ...... just talking, hugging, and kissing.  I promise. :) 

Because we were so young, we were still facing college, and for Storm that meant his parents wanted him to go to a particular private college that was several states away from me.  And because I was a serious athlete, the following year, I would not be going to the same college as he was as I accepted a full athletic scholarship to another university.

And so we spent a year and a half together........ and then years apart with summers together.

I don't know if I would have been able to identify back then what I can now...... the trust was there and I knew and felt that.  But, something I don't think I consciously thought about was feeling safe.  As Storm and I sit here tonight on Valentines' Day in our home with some special time alone, he asked me specifically in what way was I feeling safe back when we were still dating?   He said, "Sexually?"   And you know, the thought never really occurred to me to feel sexually threatened in any way by him....... so the answer to that is apparently yes.  But, I specifically meant that I felt emotionally safe with him.  He was so gentle with my feelings and this was something I didn't know that I was missing growing up until he brought it into my life.

I remember the first time I ever felt his erection.  It was an accident,  I promise, but it was so surprising to me and I actually asked him if that's what it was......... he was a bit embarrassed and said yes.  I felt it because we were hugging..... and we were normally careful with one another and did not press our middles right up against one another like we do now.  At home now, when we hug, as long as there are no prying eyes around, we step deeply and tightly into one another's hugs.   I was so naive, I just didn't realize that he was having erections from hugging and kissing.  Duh.  I remember having the distinct thought, "Hmm. I caused that."  And for the first time in my life, I felt like a sexual girl.  Totally new feeling for me. I had never felt anything more than butterflies and trepidation with any other guy I had dated before Storm.  And I've been interested ever since that night with Storm!  Hmmm, what is that thing?  HA!

And so, after 3 years, we got engaged because we absolutely could not stand to be apart from one another any longer.  Enough!  I felt I truly knew this man.  His few flaws and many of his strengths.  His faith.  But, there was a switch that was flipped inside him once we got engaged.  I can remember right where we were standing in front of my house, on the sidewalk, walking into my childhood home and he really made me laugh so hard several times that day.  I stopped and looked at him and said, "I had no idea you were this funny!!  Where is this coming from?  Where has this been?"   I was so curious, and not scolding him........ he told me that he hid his sense of humor because he didn't want me to think he was stupid.   Wow!   You all know here how funny Storm is because I've given you snippets here.  And as we have built our 30 year marriage, I am absolutely in love with all of him, and all parts of his personality, including his quick-witted sense of humor........ something I truly did not know for the first three years of being in love with him.

So do you think that we can fall in love before we truly know someone?  You have my story.  What's yours?

Say My Name (Or Not!)

In May of last year after about a month after Meredith launched me, I was still very much getting to know her via email.  I was writing to her one day when I told her that Storm was doing this new thing where he would spank for a bit, then stop, stand me up to face him, hold me, and then talk to me. When he was done speaking, then he'd bend me over again to finish the spanking. She responded, "Yes, that's The Sandwich Spanking." I did not know that she had experienced this herself and had written a blog post all about it and that she didn't seem to be a happy participator of it .....laughing!  I have no idea how I missed that one!

Not long after I learned that she had given this type of spanking a special moniker,  I stayed up late one night to respond to one of Meredith's emails because it felt important to me. The following morning, she emailed me saying she was surprised not to have heard from me ....... and I panicked. I did email, but she missed it somehow (cascading emails are not Meredith’s friends!) and she was leaving for the day (or the week or month or year, who knew?!) and I thought I had missed her and would have to go who knows how long to reassure her that I did email her. I immediately went to my own personal email address that we use for our family and emailed her from there, too, just in case Gmail was acting up and not sending my stuff. I was upset (who me?) because I was very new to blog land, so new to emailing anyone about ttwd things, and I did not want to screw anything up! Thankfully, soon after, she realized she got it and calmed me down and reassured me. Whew!

The following is part of my follow up email to her just the next day.

((So, while you were enjoying your movie, Storm burned my muffins today. And in the middle of this ovenly event, he decided to do the whole sandwich thing again....... which I am loving, to be honest......... until ....... he's talking to me (taking a break from the spanking)............. "You really need to be less hard on yourself ......" I know this............ "Tell me how you're feeling....... Meredith got your email right ---"  Me,"OH GOSH! DO NOT mention anybody's name during this!!!!!"

I got a Meredith sandwich!!  LOL! ))

Not much later, I got the following response from her:

I am howling with laughter...... a Meredith sandwich.
Your poor bottom!


I couldn't believe Storm said this...... I am NAKED during spankings...... I do NOT want to hear anyone's name, especially a friend, even a new ttwd friend, UGH!!!! That was so not cool with me........ Storm got it, but that didn't stop him from finishing his sandwich!! It also didn’t stop me from looking back on it all with a sense of humor and then making Meredith laugh when I shared this event with her.

Pillow Talk - Making Up

Sometimes it takes a "Second Reconnect"  within a day or two of the original reconnect to really smooth things over between Storm and me and get us completely back into the flow of "us." So in between the 2 reconnects, we had the following conversation:

Me to Storm, "I'm sorry you don't like me sometimes."
Him, "I like you.  I'm sorry you don't like me sometimes."
I just started laughing.........
Him, "It's funny you don't like me?"
 Me, "I like  you!  I am laughing at how ridiculous it sounded to hear you say it to me, so I imagine it sounds just as ridiculous when I say it."
Him, "Yes, it does."

Also on that same day, I accidentally broke the same rule TWICE!  Ugh!  And then he also informed me that I was in trouble when he told me something and my response was "Pffftttt."  You all know I am guilty of that because I even use it in my writing here sometimes.  Laughing!

Later that night, when the spanking commenced, he was all done with the serious lecture and then he surprised me when he remembered this:  "This is for saying, 'pfffttttt'.  Smacking ensued, but I couldn't contain my laughter........ "You think this is funny?"  Harder spanking ensued,  Not funny for long!

We were snuggling in bed hours following that mostly serious spanking time, 2nd re-connection, and love making.

Me, "Did you like your blow job?"
Storm, "Yes, I did indeed. Thank you!"
Me, "Aww, you're such a good guy.  You're so good.  I'm sorry I'm bad."
Storm, "I'm sorry I was bad, too."
Me, "You're not bad."
Storm, "You're not bad."
Me, "I'm kind of bad."
Storm pauses and then, "There are various forms of bad."
I start laughing.
Storm, "There are sins of commission and sins of omission."
Obviously from my implosion post, I was guilty of the first and he was guilty of the second.


I love making up and I treasure those soft moments of pillow talk..........  Don't you?

What the heck happened?

Storm has been in a managerial position before and he HATED it.  He didn't care how much money they offered him,  he was done after about 2 years.  Apparently he prefers to work with zeros and ones rather than human beings. He's just mostly an introvert until he decides he's not, and then he's personable and hilarious.

For whatever reasons, early family life, a sure sense of self, compassion for others, genes, .......... in my opinion, he has spent a lifetime suppressing his negative emotions.  So when we fight,  I fight........ he does the opposite of getting riled up.  When he is silent, then I get the false message that he has nothing to say. I have learned not to tell him that it appears he doesn't care. I'm not allowed to say that to him anymore because even if he is quiet, he does care.  I also don't yell, but what I mostly do is  lower my voice and speak  growl between my clinched teeth.  He is not a fan of this.

 I don't break our very few rules intentionally because I WANT to please him and I do not want to go against something he has asked me not to do. But, we have chosen not to have a long list of rules because that puts him back in a managerial position that he does not like and personally, I prefer to not to be micromanaged.

So where that leaves us is that Storm has to make a lot of judgement calls when it comes to my behavior here in our home.  He has explained to me that he has a lot of things to take into consideration and he tends to give me the benefit of the doubt.   I flat out told him, "Well, you shouldn't!" He's not used to looking for flaws in me and is even less comfortable pointing them out unless they are just so way obviously "over the line."

This leads to extreme frustration on my part.  So we had a huge ttwd implosion Friday night.  I was growling, he was silent (apparently thinking), it was getting very late and we were both exhausted.  So, I stood up and said I was done with this ttwd if he wasn't going to make it work and I said I was taking off my submissive rock necklace. He said, "Why are you doing this?"   I tried to get it unlatched, but the lighting was dim and I didn't have my glasses on meaning I'm old and I can't freaking see.  I walked over to him and asked him to take it off for me.  He stood up to help me and I instantly got a hold of myself because I knew if I let him take this necklace off that it would hurt him.  And as mad as I was at him, I truly don't want to hurt him.  He loves seeing me wear my necklace.  So I looked up at him, straight in the eye and said, "You decide.  You take it off and we're done with ttwd."  He said that he didn't want to be done and he didn't want to take the necklace off, but he wasn't going to force me to wear it against my will.  I repeated, "You decide."  He said, "I would like you to leave it on."  So I did. We settled down a little bit, made temporary peace because it was very late and said we'd finish this tomorrow.

The following morning, at the breakfast counter I told him that I pretty much felt like crap and he said he felt the same.  We didn't say much more because we didn't have privacy.  Soon it came time for him to run a family member  somewhere she needed to be.  He made sure that I saw him (and no one else saw him)  when he kissed me goodbye, pointed his index finger at me and then pointed it at the bedroom.  Well, he's never done that before.  I knew that meant, "You are going to be in the bedroom, naked, over my lap and spanked when I get home."   I had mixed feelings about this....... of course I would do as he wished, but I wasn't sure I was ready to physically take what I suspected I had coming.

But, take it, I did.  My poor rear end was on fire as I was thoroughly spanked and thoroughly lectured.  "I don't EVER want to hear you say that to me again."  (You don't know what it was that I said, but I do!)  He also apologized for not stepping up, said he'd be working on changes, and continued to spank.  That was interesting..... he's spanking and apologizing at the same time?   I didn't laugh...... and finally, I said a bit distressed,  "Okay!  Okay!  I get it!  I'm sorry!"    Well, that "okay" indicated to him that I did get his message, but he spanked for a little while more to end things on his terms and not mine.

Many times throughout our ttwd, we end up making some kind of love  to one another after a spanking, but this time we didn't.  Had he wanted me to pleasure him, I would have, but it just didn't feel like the right atmosphere for it.  I think that was a wise choice by Storm ........ sometimes the spanking truly needs to be an emotional re-connection only and not a sexual one.

So what the heck happened that made our ttwd almost spin itself out?   Hell if I know!