Friday, March 22, 2019

Please be honest with me about your TTWD

Okay....... I'm just going to say some things straight out here and if I am left standing on my own afterwards because it's just too private for you gals to join in and give advice and share your true experience, well at least I will have been honest with blog land and with Storm and myself.

This TTWD thing often causes me more frustration than it does before we did it.  Please remember that although Storm and I have been doing some sort of dd or d/s type thing for the past 10 years, there are so many things that came up with family and health issues that we were OFF more than we were ON.  So the longest consistent stretch of us practicing ttwd has been since last April when I found all your wonderful blogs.

My point is, we know the ups and downs of it......... but, I don't think we know all the ins and outs of it.  I think Storm and I are truly still new at this.  Either that or my needs keep changing so quickly that we can't ever get the spanking/discipline thing right for very long.

So....... every one of us bloggers and readers has said that communication is key with ttwd, and I agree.  But........ would any of you be willing to tell me in more than general terms what even one conversation between you and your husbands has looked like when adjustments to the spanking/discipline were needed by you as the wife?

Do you actually say things like: ???

1.  "The spanking needs to be harder."
2.  "The spanking needs to be longer."
3.   "I don't like this implement....."
4.   "Do you like spanking me?  Do you get mad at me?
5.  "I know you just spanked me yesterday, but I need more."
6.  "I don't like asking you for a spanking because it makes me feel like I am topping."
7.  "I feel frustrated with not enough discipline."
8.  "I feel guilty for needing this."
9.  "I need to feel your dominance, but it has to be initiated by you."

What is it that you are saying to your husband and vice versa?

I see often in blog land that many of us gals feel embarrassed to ask for a spanking.  I feel the same.  You also seem like it's a topping from the bottom thing, and I feel that, too, and that TOTALLY takes away from the psychological part of spanking.  It isn't that it doesn't feel real.  It's real.  But, it feels like it is being managed by me because his needs aren't changing, mine are.  He doesn't need ttwd....... I do.

Yes, he is willing to do this with me and he  has a very sincere attitude and puts forth effort to make this ttwd work for us.   I know how blessed I am to have a husband who is not naturally a dominant personality but yet he is still willing to do this with me, learn and practice being more dominant because I need it and he enjoys the benefits of my submission.

It isn't about expecting Storm to be perfect and it isn't about me not expressing my gratitude to him for continuing to work on our version of ttwd.   It's about how to talk to him ...... the words get stuck if my throat ..........  and tell him once again that whatever we're doing isn't enough.  I feel like I am telling him that HE is not enough and that is NOT the case at all.

Please talk to me. 





18 comments:

  1. Windy (I found this post very interesting because I have been thinking a lot about dd and how it differs from what I have had in the past and especially now. so forgive me if this gets long winded)

    I am guessing the questions you posted are questions you are struggling with..
    from your questions about wanting more spankings /harder spankings/ longer spankings that some how what you have now is not meeting your needs. Could it be that you enjoy the spankings as spankings and not discipline?? AND it's ok (very ok) to enjoy them just for the sake of the reactions you feel you know that right?

    You say Storm isn't 'naturally dominant' but he's happy spanking you. I am thinking he wants to make you happy -- he loves you and because of that love spanking is important to him.

    I don't know -- maybe you need to revamp this dd altogether...... think of spanking as 'foreplay' or fun and games or something entirely different from punishment.

    I am a masochist so spanking as a punishment has never worked particularly well for me.... and often spankings don't come with sex (mostly not actually) they're just for the fun of it......

    I know I haven't really answered your questions -- but it's my 2cents worth ........ and forgive me if I have overstepped putting my opinion in........

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    1. Hey, Morningstar! No worries, this is a very "windy" blog and your dialogue is welcome here any time!

      Storm and I finally had some time alone tonight when we went out on a date. So over our fajitas, we discussed the different aspects of your impressions, suggestions, etc. Yes, Storm wants to spank me because I need it and he wants to make me happy (and ouchy!), you are right.

      We have done the d/s thing as foreplay a long time ago...before we found dd.... and occasionally after that when the dd was too hard to keep up on for many of life's reasons that get in the way.

      I think now, for the most part, I prefer the spanking as discipline or role affirmation type thing. I have never liked the "fun play" kind of spankings. I'm also not a masochist. After the spanking, it can sometimes turn sexual and sometimes not. Depends on what Storm wants! LOL!

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts .... I think I was not clear on this post on what I am trying to ask.... see my response to NJ so I don't need to repeat it.

      Hugs! Windy

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  2. Windy,
    I crave the discipline from my gentle, loving man. He has listened. He actually says that he does not like to spank, but he really likes the results and he knows I crave his dominance. Six years ago I could not have said that. Our ttwd evloves and is ever changing. I decided to tell him about my craving recently and he responded by stepping up. Always, always it is about communication. Swallowing your embarrassment and facing the man you love telling him what you need and what you want makes your ttwd stronger and better. This act of confessing to your husband is more important than any of the rest of it. I believe that totally.
    Meredith

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    1. Meredith,
      "This act of confessing"...... wow...hmmm. So I should just spill the beans with my husband, huh? I think it is embarrassment...there is that vulnerability popping up again in this whole TTWD thing!

      And Jack has said he doesn't like to spank, but he likes the results? See, this what I need to hear. Storm says something similar and I didn't know if it was "normal." I thought if he didn't like spanking me, then I was doing something wrong .....

      I'm glad you decided to tell him about your craving recently and that you shared that with us here and on your blog.... and you saying he stepped up. Knowing those things are recent shows me that things still evolve.

      Thank you for being willing to discuss this with me in more than general terms. I feel better. Hugs, Windy

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  3. Hi Windy … I am pretty sure I am going to get an email after this comment saying “whatcha talkin’ about NJ!?’ (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw9oX-kZ_9k) …

    First I am going to say in my opinion the creature called ‘a natural dominant’ is a myth. I believe dominance can be learned and the basis of dominance is ‘confidence’ … some human creatures are naturally confident and some obtain confidence through time and practice. Your man Storm … from what I know … is a confident man … maybe a quietly confident man but still confident. Like anything, if one becomes learned and skilled in a practice, their confidence increases and they can ‘dominate’ in that practice … take yourself … a former top athlete … when you were on the ball field, were you not skilled and dominant in your field of athletics?

    IMO I think you need to sort out what you want (I’m pretty sure you leave the man dazed and confused at times :>)) … Storm will give you what you want … he loves you and wants to please you so how do you see dominance and how do you see that meshing with your needs be they submissive, spanking or ??

    I suggest you might look to using your wonderfully creative writing capabilities and write a few short stories that describe how you see the ideal ttwd/DD for you. I will bet Storm can take those stories and make them his own … for you … for the both of you …

    ok you can fire away now … I know how to duck ... lol! … nj … xx

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    1. Get ready to duck, NJ! I decided I will share with blog land what I would actually say to you in an email. (mostly! HA!) Laughing........ "What you talkin' 'bout Willis?" is right on!

      Good grief, you and your dominance theories. LOL! First of all, Storm is confident, yes, inwardly and outwardly, but he is not boisterous and loud, which sometimes makes a person appear confident when they're really not. I had Storm read what you wrote about him .... And, nope, he is not dazed or confused by me. I didn't think he was.

      Perhaps the problem lies in the way I presented this post. I really just want to know that other wives sometimes feel frustrated like me, and I need to hear that other HOH's don't just "automatically" know what to do discipline/spanking wise by some miracle. That it takes lots of communication, yes, but really "What are some things you actually say to one another as you're working this stuff out? Do you say items 1 through 9? Something else? What?" And how do you come to terms with it?

      I am not about to write a script for Storm. Because I have a hard time telling him when my needs change or that something isn't working, it's because I am self conscious as a ttwd wife telling him what to do. But, the reality seems to be that we all do have to tell our HOH's what is working and what isn't....and that they truly do want to know. Storm wants to know.

      I just want to know that I am not alone in all this and that the TTWD truly continues to evolve for all of us.

      Thanks for trying to help me, NJ. I do appreciate the time, thought, and effort you put into responding here. I guess my post is just not clear on what I am trying to convey. Hugs, Windy

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  4. Hi Windy. I sooooooo get the struggls here. (I think I do anyway. I'll answer,and you tell me if I'm reading your post correctly.) Matt and I always say that TTWD for us is 70% communication and 30% action. That scale seems tipped a bit - but it's true. We have to talk about everything.

    Yes -- I would love for him to just step up in his own, grab my ass in a show of force, put me in my place and wear me out. And you know what? He's just now (6 yrs in) starting to do that. YOu know why? Because I've just had to sit down and tell him several times now "I would love for you to just step up on your own, grab my ass in a show of force, put me in my place and wear me out."

    Sometimes, you have to just spell it out for them...especially those hubbys who are naturally bent towards patience, love and mercy. Yes, it's frickin' hard. Yes, sometimes it's even embarrassing -- but Matt often tells me -- He can't read my mind.

    There seems to be a seed of doubt in your head -- "Because Storm isn't naturally a dominant guy and is doing his best with what "I" need, I need to just appreciate that and not asked for more. To actually verbalise that I need more seems so harsh and ungrateful when he's already doing so much for me." (am I reading that right?)

    Can I just say a couple things to that? TTWD is no different that any other thing in marriage - talk it out. It would be like telling your husband a pregnancy craving, maybe even telling him exactly what grocery store carried the item -- but expecting him to get it for you without telling him exactly what the craving is!

    You've told him you have a need. He's shown that he wants to fulfill it -- even willing to go outside his natural comfort zone (So, picture him in the store doorway.) Now you just need to be more specific -- communicate exactly what it is that makes you tick.

    Yes. It's hard as hell sometimes. Embarrassing -- but it's a necessary part of the journey. I have communicated with Matt some of the exact questions you listed above. Literally have said "Please don't use that implement.... Please I need the belt today.... No, keep going, I'm not there yet. etc." And he's starting to understand my threshold and my neesd just now -- because we've had to hash it out.

    I'm not naturally a submissive person. I had to grow in that. It's slow going, but I'm learning. Matt isn't naturally dominant -- but he's growing. You and Storm will get there. Sometimes you just have to stop and talk it all out, literally a "Wait, try this. Oooh, yes, that worked. Nope, you need more here."

    But Storm loves you, that's become very evident to us -- so he can handle it. And after awhile, you may just find that "itch" being scratched, because you told him exactly where to scratch. :)

    Yikes!! I wrote a book, I'm sorry! Lots of hugs -- shell

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    1. Hi, Shell! Yes, you are reading it correctly. You're not naturally submissive, who knew?! Laughing! You know I'm not either, but we do have these deeper desires for it so maybe we really are naturally submissive? *gasp* haha That only applies to me wanting to submit to Storm though. Everybody else, I want to boss around. No, I really don't, but I don't want them to boss me around either!

      All right, so you're on board with Meredith regarding "confessing to your husband is more important than the rest of it" aligns with your 70% talking and 30% action. Got it!

      What I really needed to hear is that I'm not the only ttwd wife having these kinds of discussions with my husband. I don't know why it's been bothering me so much, but it has. I needed to hear that other ttwd husbands do not just magically know what to do and do not even know what to do after you tell them... you have to keep telling them. That tells me there is not huge communication breakdown between STorm and me...it's just something that needs to keep being done.

      Thank you for the specifics you have shared ... I know the generalities... I need to hear what kinds of things #1-#9 you gals are saying to your guys, too....... Thanks for your thoughts, time, and attention here, Shell. Love having you in blog land! Hugs! Windy

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  5. Any time you feel frustrated with TTWD, the answer is yes - I have experienced this same frustration. I've said/asked every one of your nine question. Usually I do so in an email. I feel I can take the time to explain myself better in writing. But in truth, for the most part, it is gone from our marriage and I'm tired of fighting for it.

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    1. PK,
      I am not glad that you've been so frustrated, but I appreciate you being honest here. Just knowing the little bit I do from what you have shared on your blog and knowing what you truly desire from having read your most recent book, I'm not sure my frustration can even compare with yours as mine is usually temporary. I admire that you keep your composure.....For as much as I do not like to tell Storm of my needs changing yet again, I would be so very very outwardly angry with him if he did not jump on the ttwd path with me. I would feel resentful as well. Ultimately, I wouldn't let it ruin my marriage, but I'd pitch some major fits if he wasn't truly trying to meet my need to be spanked and dominated. Thanks for being honest here, PK. Hugs, Windy

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  6. Hi Windy, I think the benefit to Eric being gone so much is we have been forced to learn to over communicate because we can't be in the same room. That said, it's always hard asking for what you need, especially when it's taboo or not accepted by the general public. Eric has always pushed me to talk more. "Tell me what you need. What you want. I need the blueprint. A few words from you and we can both be completely satisfied." He's right and I believe I can say anything in the world to him but it's the timing that catches us off guard. There are times I just need him to take control and be demanding without my having to say a word but he doesn't always see the signs. On the flip side, if he is truly living up his role as HOH and I come in hard with, "Not like that, not now, not...." then he gets hurt. Helpful? I know. Not really. I'm just saying, there is an ebb and flow to the conversation bit of ttwd just like in every other part of life. I find talking about changing desires and needs with ttwd is best done when not in the throws of a situation. Tell him you read a post and want to try something new - a different implement, a harder spanking. Role play a scenario you'd like to do again in real life. Teach each other... wish my man was home so I could play something with him right now! Don't give up. Amy

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    1. Hi, Amy! I really appreciate you taking the time out of your day to help me out. You are missed when you're not around in blog land.

      So, a "blueprint", huh? So you're on NJ's team with the whole "write it for him" type thing. Got it! I don't know if I will write, but I will definitely be more direct with what my needs are, what changes I'd like to see and be way less self conscious about telling Storm this stuff because you gals don't see it as topping from the bottom.... this helps my frame of mind so much!

      Thanks for pointing out the timing.... I have blown it there a couple of times with that and Storm just shut down. I forgot about that. Wow.

      This exactly: "There are times I just need him to take control and be demanding without my having to say a word but he doesn't always see the signs." And I think my signs are often HUGE. LOL!

      Thanks again, Amy for your experienced, kind, and helpful words here. Hugs! Windy

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  7. Well...here goes nothing- Yes you can say all of those things to your husband. Please remember that INTEL is not Topping. I understand the idea behind wanting him to do this authentically on his own, but I will also tell you share another thing that many haven't thought of: men(dominant or not) don't always know what to do for their wives because they are not women or submissive. Their minds don't work that way. They think, " that wouldn't work for me" so lots of talking about what might be effective is sort of essencial. This is why sharing is so important.

    Before we started I wouldn't have said B was a natural dominant ( NJ and I might differ on whether they exist or not, but the truth is even a 'natural' dominant has to work at ttwd. My personal take is a natural dominant is one who shakes off societal conventions, not just 'jumps on board' so that makes it easier at the start for them- but I digress). B was more of an 'ask-tell' guy. " Would you please...." Not " I expect...." Anyway as far as stepping up, years ago we did this 'exercise' at the end of each day we would sit down and I would inform B where I thought I slipped up in attitude. It was a real eye opener for him, because over the years he just accepted the way things were. They weren't horrible, but it wasn't who I wanted to be. He would then ask what would have worked in that situation. Later he switched to asking if xyz would have worked and why? These conversations were without expectations (ie that he was going to punish me). This happened for about a week or so and then he managed to see things from my Dd perspective, my body language, tone, lack of words what have you- but I had to share the 'signs'. It isn't always perfect as we keep growing- but my need is now his, because I gave him the environment to allow him to make it his own with information.

    Is this easy? NO! Often it is very awkward, especially if he is using a punishment for the first time or two that you have discussed ( I call this 'taking it for the team'). I think it is important for all of us to remember who brings ttwd to the table, we didn't find we were topping when we asked for this, we shouldn't find we are topping when we try to explain to our significant others what we feel *might* work. I think a lot of us share this secret fantasy that we ask for ttwd, dump 100% control on their laps and say, "here you go" and they run with it. Well after years of marriage everyone's brains might need to be rewired.

    A quick analogy: I viewed my asking for Dd as an 'ugly sweater' B got for Xmas. He would put it on whenever I hinted or asked him to. Or if he was desperate. Over time he started to choose to wear it more and more with very little coaxing,but he still needed to ask which pants it went with. It still seemed to me that he wasn't that keen on it, because in the back of my mind *I* chose it not him. Eventually he was wearing it more often than not and asking where to find similar ones. Basically some men just need time to get used to the idea of a new sweater. It doesn't mean they won't choose it on their own, they just need to see it can be worn with many different 'bottoms' *wink*.

    I know it can be frustrating because you have been 'at this' yet not for so long. I too found once we really started to 'take off' that the stalls and the needs seemed greater. Keep at it, forget about the start date, and TALK. I know communication is the OTHER "C word" when you are frustrated but it is driven down our throats for a reason. Besides being vulnerable is the entire point- unfortunately ttwd makes our husbands vulnerable too, and they don't often like that feeling.


    Good luck
    willie

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    1. Willie, "INTEL" made me laugh out loud. Interesting point that our HOH's aren't submissive or women, so they don't know what we want. The little that you shared about what you think is a natural dominant actually does describe Storm. LOL! We have done that exercise, too, but not knowing that's really what it was... I would say, "What I said to you was okay in there? How is that even remotely okay?" But, doing it at the end of every day might be a good plan for us right now. Storm has said that he has spent his entire life ignoring other people's faults....and now he is expected to point my out on a daily basis. That is a big change for him.

      As a serious former athlete, I was always willing to "take one for the team." But with ttwd, I SUCK at being patient while trying out new implements ...we've done it, obviously, because we have to, but I hate it.

      Ugly sweater and C word.... LOL.... got it! And there you sum it all up with the vulnerability that Meredith and others have been stressing in their comments and she in her posts... Thanks for the dialogue! Hugs, Windy

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  8. Love the honesty you show with this post, Windy. And, yes, I have said many of the things on your list. Especially when we were first starting out. We did not have anything near a dd relationship before I got my courage up enough to talk to Sam about what I really wanted/needed. I hadn't even found blogland when I finally opened up about this: I just knew that I had kept this hidden for decades of marriage.

    That said, Sam had no idea of what I really wanted. It took a very long time for him to understand even the big concepts of needing dominance and needing him to set some of the limits that structure our relationship. He stumbled a lot back then. One of the important things I talked to him about was "Taking Me Past My Edge." By that I meant that it wasn't really a spanking until he went past my limit, past what I thought I could tolerate, and I wanted him to stop. It had to go farther than that to make him be the dominant one. We talked a lot about those limits too. What I needed to change about how I acted toward him and the way I spoke to him.

    When I found blogland, it was a great help to me. Other women were verbalizing their needs, and I was so amazed and thankful that there were other women like me. I read Sam a lot of the posts from others that spoke to me. It gave us some direction and helped Sam to understand me. I am not a masochist or into BDSM in a dedicated way. I like what Meredith says above about "craving" the discipline and being able to communicate that to her Jack. Sam has been busy taking care of me through a rough recuperation from a surgery. Perhaps I also need to open up on what I need now that I am past that situation.

    Everyone had so much to say on this post. I can tell you that this will be a post that I will read to Sam. It will spark a discussion between us for sure.

    Hugs From Ella

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    1. Oh, wow, Ella, I did not realize that you told Sam of your needs BEFORE finding DD. Well, that took some gumption, girl!

      I love the "Taking Me Past My Edge".... Shell agrees with you as she just blogged something close to that statement recently and I love reading/hearing it both times! YES!! I'm truly going to make this part of my ttwd vocabulary with Storm. And what a *light bulb* moment here with, "it had to go farther than that to make him be the dominant one." THAT, exactly! (And I am glad you know the difference between farther and further because I do struggle with that one! LOL!)

      Yes, what Meredith said about the "craving" almost took my breath away when she posted about that in her 500th post! I love how it affected (not effected) you, too! HA!

      I hope Sam has a lot of time on his hands when you read him this long ass post! Seriously though, Ella, thank you so much for the thoughtfulness and insight you have brought to this entire conversation. I wish you to get well very soon and speed through the rest of that sucky recovery and that you and Sam get back to your kinkery very soon! Hugs! Windy

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  9. I wish you were around when I first started blogging. That being said because all of those questions you are asking are similar to the ones I had. I read everyone's comments and you got some great advice and information, not much that I can add. We are all different in the way that we do ttwd but I think that we all have a lot of the same feelings and confusions. I hate asking for a spanking and I fight it but I have learned that communication is the most important thing and that Ty can't read my mind. You write great posts and I learn from them. Thanks

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    1. Hi, Blondie! I wish I would have been around then, too! It upsets me when I think about all the years practicing on this on our own and you gals were here the whole time. UGH! LOL! There sure was a lot of solid advice given here, you are correct. It helps me to hear how you feel about asking for a spanking as well. I appreciate you taking the time to read my posts, that you learn from them and add value to the dialogue here. Thank you! Hugs! Windy

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