Repeated vertigo episodes led to many doctor visits, all kinds of tests..... some that made me dizzy on purpose to test the inner ear, and I felt like I was being tortured...... sickening. And no answers and no medication could prevent these attacks. Can you see why anxiety sank it's claws into my head? I was 26. I slept less than 2 hours a night, was eating everything in the house, but still lost way too much weight. Turns out, doctors said all they could do was to treat the extreme anxiety that developed over the next six months as a result of the dizziness. After years of trying this and that, there were a couple of meds that ease the nervous system that also eased some aspects of my dizziness. Until it didn't. Rinse and repeat like a cheap shampoo.
I am sure there are some doctors and therapists who can really help a lot of people with anxiety and depression, but I've never met one that I wanted to stick with. Ones that I am stuck with, yes. Laughing. There's a difference. Whatever. Over the years, I have been tempted to tell them to keep the prescriptions and use it on themselves. Or shove them where the sun doesn't shine. Maybe it would help their condescending natures.
What I came to realize eventually was that I had suffered with undiagnosed postpartum depression. I don't know if being treated for it would have prevented the vertigo episodes in the first place, but it may have helped me deal with not feeling what I thought I was supposed to feel as a new mother. I loved my baby, but major trepidation at keeping a tiny human alive and well weighed heavily on me.
I had a wonderful pregnancy, but a very difficult delivery. I have two words for you: back labor. And one more: merconium. And a post delivery fever of 102 for mom, and an infection for the baby. Oh, and sign these papers for the neonatal specialist to do a spinal tap mere hours after your baby is born. It all just became too real too fast. My baby spent a week in intensive care, but she was the little fatty of the neonatal unit at 10 pounds. She also had as much hair on her as a monkey, and the nurses loved putting bows in her hair. Without my permission. Laughing. If you know me......you'll know I had to grow into the bows..... major jock here........ Over twenty years later, she doesn't have an athletic bone in her body and I wouldn't want it any other way. She's very talented in her own right.
I'm old enough to remember when mental health was a huge stigma...... and I have thought for a long time that it shouldn't be any longer and that the younger generations are doing a much better job at identifying and accepting than mine ever did. I don't know what the average age of most bloggers is, but I know those that are willing to talk about their own experiences with mental health deserve my respect for sure. It isn't comfortable for me to share this stuff about myself, but it's the truth, it's part of life for millions of people, and maybe it will help someone understand what dealing with mental health along with physical health issues is like.
What I am good at is escaping and that helps me mentally and emotionally. For many years, reading played a primary role in my being able to just get out of my own head. It still does, but to a lesser degree because I am working on finding a balance between writing, exercising, FISHING, golfing, homemaking, communicating with close friends and family, watching movies, my faith, and spending time with Storm which includes vanilla and spanking times!
Anxiety sucks. Depression blows. When you're in deep with one, you long for the other. Sick. It all makes you feel crazy, but you're not. If you suffer from the same, then I encourage you to keep reaching a balance in your life. Get the help you need, get quality sleep...... take care of yourself. I'll do the same.
|I'm writing part of my personal story in support of Mental Health Prompt #357|