Are any of you beyond tired of getting your feelings hurt ... in real life, in email, online, in public, in private.... everywhere? It's a rhetorical question, but I am asking you anyway.
I don't know if you feel this way or not, but it's a huge risk to me to really let someone into my life. I am sure every single one of us can say that we have been hurt many times by a friend. But, do any of us have the guts to say that sometimes we're the ones that haven't been so nice, haven't been understanding, that we didn't listen as carefully as we should have, or maybe that we read into a situation and came out with something hurtful instead of something that was truly innocent?
I do. I have the ovaries/balls to say I have blown it. It is not difficult for me to say I am sorry to a true friend and honestly mean it. In most cases I also have the heart to try to make things right again if it's my fault and if the other person isn't toxic. No one should put up with toxicity.
I truly try to be so careful with people in my life to not say something offensive or hurtful. I make decisions based on their hurt feelings instead of my own. And that's where I have always struggled....... I suck at telling someone that I don't like what was said or done to me. I know the words, but I can rarely utter them. But, I guess we all have to learn how to do that in a healthy way because that unexpressed pain can turn to anger. And in some cases, that anger is only going to get turned inward. Have you ever heard that depression is anger turned inward? Do you think that's true?
I would much rather be hurt than be the one who is doing the hurting. I don't ever want to hurt my friends. So to all of my friends and yours, old, new, past, future, lots of whom will never read here, but just in case you do......... may we all talk to one another and truly forgive and try really hard to forget when there is honesty and sincerity.
This isn't a message to anyone, so please don't think it is......... I have been wanting for a long time to shed light on how hard we women can be on one another. I'm guilty of it myself. Hopefully, most of our friendships in life are positive, fun, and of great longevity........ If any of us have that and I know we do, may we all take very good care of it.
I seldom have my own feelings hurt and try to abide by my granny’s motto of “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” Last week though, I hurt Harry with a carelessly worded comment. I hadn’t meant it the way it came out but it cut him to the quick. He was very forgiving but the words can never be unsaid. It took a while longer for me to forgive myself.ReplyDelete
Rosie, you are just too sweet and it warms my heart to know how much you and Harry truly respect and love one another. I wish I had more of a disposition like yours instead of the anxious one I have. I am glad you and Harry were able to forgive given a little time. Thanks for sharing, Hugs, WindyDelete
I like to think I own any mistakes made with friends and apologise, but I'm not sure that is always the case. Good friendships matter and should be nutured.
I too struggle with telling someone when I feel hurt and I agree that the hurt can sometimes end up being internalised.
Hi, Roz! I would think you know how to apologize or apologise, depending on what country you're in. Ha! I wonder why we struggle to share our hurts.... Thanks for sharing, Hugs, WindyDelete
Terrific advice...friendships are precious....hugs abbyReplyDelete
Lost my first comment, Abby.... sorry. Yes, friendships are precious.....Here's to hoping we all take care of each other. Hugs, WindyDelete
You asked a question about depression being anger turned inward, and that doesn't seem accurate to me. At least in my experience. Perhaps it is for others. When depression has visited me,there has been an overwhelming sadness and inability to see a way back. The worst bout made me weary - too tired to accomplish the simplest tasks. It was as if I had fallen into a black hole. There was no anger. There was nothing.
As far as friendships go, it takes more than love. I think it takes trust. I agree with Rosie. Words can never be unsaid.
Hugs From Ella
Hi, Ella. I should have clarified that I do not think depression is simply anger turned inward, only that it could be part of some people's depression. There are lots of varying characteristics that may not be the same for everyone. Unfortunately, I am well acquainted with the kind of depression that you are describing here and I would agree that it was a whole lot of "nothing" for me as well. It's an awful feeling. Yes, that trust thing is huge in every relationship. Thanks for sharing. Hugs, WindyDelete
I am guilty of being "too nice". I would never hurt someone purposefully. My marriage was almost the biggest casualty of this. I would rather it was me that was hurting, and not Garf and so I stayed silent for a very long time and then became very angry because Garf was (seemed) clueless. Eventually anger spilled out. I try not to bottle things as much these days, but sometimes it can still be really hard for me to say anything.ReplyDelete
Depression being anger turned inward ... yes and no. Sometimes, when things are just a mess and I start feeling like everything is helpless, I can wallow in that for weeks and start to think "Well, if I had done (this or that ... fill in the blank) 20 years ago I wouldn't be in this mess now" kind of thinking and that turns to anger at myself, which then morphs back into a sort of depression. But I'm not sure that's really comparable to clinical depression which seems to be a sadness for no tangible reason. As Ella said, it's like a black hole.
Hi Penelope! Aw, you are a nice gal, huh, who endures in silence? That's a hard one. I wonder why it is so hard for many of us to share our hurts with the ones we love. I agree with your yes and no about anger turned inward.... it may or may not be a part of it, but it alone does not define depression, clinical or otherwise. I don't ever want to be in that black hole again! You stay out of one, too, okay? Thanks for sharing here. Usually it's much more lighthearted here on my blog, so please come back when I let my sense of humor out and see if you like it or not! Ha! Hugs, WindyDelete
Hi Windy ... I think the degree to which we have the ability to inflict or feel hurt in a friendship depends on the type of relationship we have. To me there are differing types of friendships .... one might have casual friends through work or interests, social couple friends, long term friends or deep close friends with whom we share our heart.ReplyDelete
We have many 'couple' friends, most of which we left behind when we moved 11 yrs ago. I/we have been neglectful of those friendships as our time apart increases ... and sometimes I feel guilty that neglect could be perceived as a type of hurt. I personally have very few friends where there isn't a partner in the mix and even fewer close friends with whom I can share my heart. The one with whom I am the closest to is the man I sleep with every night. I am guilty of having hurt him deeply on more than one occasion. I think the closer you are to someone means when hurt occurs it hits harder ... because what you say or do matters more in such a relationship. On the other hand, because the relationship is stronger, sometimes its easier to 'hurt' because deep down you know you will be forgiven. However, having said all of that I strive to follow our blogger friend Katie's motto of ABK (always be kind), no matter the type of friendship. I'm not always successful but I do try.
On the matter of the title of your post ... I don't think one can say generally that depression is anger turned inward ... the causes, symptoms and types of depression are many. It might be a cause or a symptom but I don't see it as a definition.
hugs! ... nj
Hi, NJ! I have been doing lots of thinking about my friendships lately, old and new, good and bad, what I would have done differently, what I wish other would have done differently, ones I ended, one or two other people ended...... I think for casual friends, I could probably tell them I thought what they said was inconsiderate .....lol.....or because it was casual, I might not care at all. I struggle with confrontation with people that I love. Although with Storm, I can absolutely tell him that I am upset with him with no fear whatsoever that he will lash out at me or hold it against me. I wish I knew his secret to not letting things bother him too much. I wish I would not have said certain things to him over the years and I like to think I am better about that these days. ..... I agree the anger is a symptom of depression sometimes, but not a synonym. Thanks for sharing here today. Hugs, WindyDelete
We are away today, but I will email and we will talk soon. I know you are hurting, my dear friend. I might know the circumstances for this post, but maybe not. I do know you are hurting and we will talk soon.
It's a lot of things... too much overthinking.... but some generalizations that I wanted to talk about in blog land just a bit to see if other gals feel the same way I do or if I was way off base. Looks like lots of people can relate. I am a tough jock and mostly considerate and caring of my close friends, but sometimes I just feel too much, I think. Thanks for your concern. Hugs, Windy
Another thinking post? My head is going to hurt!ReplyDelete
Depression and anger turned inward.....now that one, I want to think on a lot more. I have been battling hard this year with many upsets through 2018. Add in peri-menopause (I think) and holy hannah, I am one emotional angry woman. But for me, maybe this past year has been due to my anger....hmmmm
As for hurt feelings, and apologies, I always say there are 3 levels of apology. First the words of I'm sorry. Second, feeling actual remorse for your behaviour or words. Finally, actually changing the behaviour that caused the problem. Unfortunately, words can never be taken back. And I am one who turns silent when my feelings are hurt. I can't say the words to let people know how their words affected me. I think part of the reason is because girls are raised to be quiet. To smooth things over. I never learned how to be loud about things.
The upside? Trying to learn now how to let people know it isn't ok. That words do hurt and have impact on my life.
Thanks for the think Windy.
Hi, Boo! Sorry I made your head hurt. I have accused other bloggers of doing that to me. Ha! I guess I kind of wanted to know if other gals feel similar to me as far as sharing hurt feelings.... there is no easy way to do it. It's painful and then it often causes the other person pain, too, which is why I just try to swallow it in the first place and never let anyone know I was hurting at all. Peri-menopause has been a challenge for me as well. I am just not handling things like I normally would. Blah! Thanks for your thoughts here. Hugs, WindyDelete
Maybe I don't pay attentions, or care what other say or think of me enough to ever get bent out of shape. I've told many people that if they want to insult me they need to tap me one the shoulder and say, "Pay attention - I'm trying to insult you." Otherwise I'll never know. I go out of my way not to hurt people. I do vent to those closest to me when I need to if someone has annoyed me, but no one ever bothers me enough to really go off on them.ReplyDelete
Hi, PK. I know you have developed or you were born with the ability of not letting things get to you. Storm is like that as well and sometimes I wish I was like that, too. But, you know what? I believe that I have, for good and for bad, a natural deep empathy for the feelings of others. But, it's a double edged sword kind of thing. Thanks for sharing and I am glad you don't let things shake you up too much! Hugs, WindyDelete
Lots of food for thought here Windy, you have been very busy lately. I think it’s important to ‘clear the air’ so to speak if something is bothering you regarding friends or family. Otherwise it builds into a resentment that is more difficult to move beyond. It may not be easy to do but I think carrying it around is much harder. Hopefully there’s consideration from both sides so it can be discussed, resolved and then kicked to the curb however you choose to move forward. Life is too short for us to be weighed down with worry and negativity, there’s too much to do! :))ReplyDelete
Hi, Laurel! My brain has been in overdrive, you are right! UGH! You are exactly right that it is truly the best policy to clear the air as soon as possible. But, it is much easier said than done. I think some of us let things go easier than others, some get upset about everything under the sun, and the rest of handle confrontation fairly well. It's awful when the discussion goes off the rails, but may we all keep trying to do better and be better. Thanks for your input here. Hugs, WindyDelete
Hi Windy. What an interesting post. I do think it's super easy to be hurtful without realizing it or without intending to be hurtful. Words are powerful. I try to remember to speak slowly and give a bit of thought first.ReplyDelete
That being said, I recently said something hurtful to my hubby and boy what a mess. We are an old married couple and rarely disagree, let alone argue. I felt bad, he reacted poorly and it was messy. We have worked it out, but our ttwd world is still emerging so we missed a perfect opportunity to use our tools. That is being fixed and we are back on even footing.
I completely agree that I would rather be hurt than do the hurting. I tend to get over my angry or hurt feelings quite quickly. Really, I tend to assume that whoever hurt me did not mean to - it's probably part "rose colored glasses" and part of just who I am. I also find that if I've been in a friendship that has been difficult in terms of hurt feelings and mean words, I find a way to back out politely. I just can't.
Great post. Thanks for the thoughts!
Hi, Deena! Thank you so much for joining in the discussion here with your interesting perspective on friendship and hurtful words, etc.Delete
I agree it it super easy to hurt someone and to be hurt as well. I think we all would do a lot better with it if we were quick to apologize, take some of the blame if not all of it, and just be sincere and forgive one another. I think by the comments in this thread that it is a common problem.
So you are an emerging ttwd couple? Yay! I do not know your story so thank you for educating me here. Uh-oh that you said something hurtful to your husband recently... yikes.... I've been there, too! We have had those missed opportunities for tool usage here as well, Deena. You two stick with it and soon you will be into full swing. HA!
Please pass me some of of your natural ability to get over things quickly! I like the outlook you have though and I am sure that is part of makes you not easily offended as well. It seems kind of like a decision you make way ahead of time. Backing out is tough and takes time and determination sometimes.
I'm glad you really got a hold of this post and added some great stuff to this conversation. Thank you for being part of it, Deena. Hugs, Windy