I have always been a dreamer. Age hasn't changed that for me. Some of them make no sense whatsoever although I am sure an interpreter or a psychoanalyst would have a field day with the complex content of a few of my dreams. I careth not.
Why is it when we wake up from a disturbing dream that it has the power to affect us for several hours and put us in an emotionally vulnerable mood?
The single most predominant recurring theme in my dreams that I have had since the age of about 18 was that Storm was leaving me to finish my last year of high school as he went to an imposed-by-his- parents protestant college 9 hours away. Remember, this is pre-cellphones, pre-internet, etc. We pretty much still had the Pony Express. Storm and I kept those horses busy, that's for sure. (And yes, I know that the Pony Express only operated for about 18 months from the state of CA to MO. But, somehow many of us remember the horse carried mail from grade school history and that was so exciting that we forgot about the dates and how long it actually lasted!)
Yes, Storm was my boyfriend, but he was also truly my best friend. We weren't riding high on puppy love all the time..... the resulting separation was, for me, flat out traumatic. You might ask what the big deal is, everybody goes off to college, most of the time breaking off any kind of romantic relationship previously held, and young adults at the age of 18 don't know jack squat about life. I know a lot of kids are still irresponsible at that age, sexuality is heightened, most want to get away from their parents, do some partying, join a fraternity or sorority, and throw some formal education in there somewhere that tends to get taken more seriously junior and senior year. I guess that is quite a common path whether a public college or religious. But, it wasn't part of my journey nor was it part of Storm's. We were different.
If you're asking me if I felt that we were better than others our age, the answer is no, but we were emotionally smarter. We both knew the answers in life did not lie in any of that teenage frenzy type activity that I just wrote about above. Looking back, I now recognize the beginnings of the feeling of being religiously squeezed to death, but I suppose that is another post, or not one at all. Although I am just barely into my 5th decade of my life, the majority of my dreams still focus around traumas or stress I faced as a very young adult and child.
Because I didn't sleep well when I was younger, and due to health reasons, I have always been a fan of afternoon naps. I often find a nap helpful IF I can fall asleep. If I do fall asleep, I tend to do exactly 3 things: 1) Sleep deeply 2) Dream vividly 3) Dream about sex. I was well into my 30's the first time I ever had an orgasm in my sleep dream. Most of the time, I wake up before that point, and as I am aging that part doesn't happen as much anymore. I don't care either way. I actually wake up feeling kind of stupid sometimes. Good grief!
I feel stupid or embarrassed a lot about things pertaining to our sex life, but thank God that Storm doesn't criticize me or belittle me or even get turned off by things I cannot help. I am also not allowed to be critical of myself in Storm's presence. My body has changed very much from the athletic gal I used to be. Childbirth and nursing are mostly to blame, I say. Well, that and ice cream. And pizza. Body parts can change color, but I'm not BLEACHING anything. Storm loves whatever it is just the way it is. Bodies also make unexpected noises during sexual activity. One chubby guy/gal lying on top of another chubby guy/gal causes the one underneath to gurgle or jiggle or get smashed like a pancake. Noises come out. Sometimes we have to concentrate very hard to "get there"...... Throw in a vibrator and there are just all kinds of noises both voluntary and involuntary going on, but Storm doesn't care. I care though and I once gave up trying to "get there" and handed the vibrator back to him and said, "Take this thing away from me before I poop myself." Quite a funny moment between us, but I was exhausted and annoyed at my body, and I knew it would make both of us laugh.
If you're thinking that I should write some of my dreams down for whatever reason, the answer is no. Real life is disturbing enough and often difficult to make sense of and I am not paying good money to some interpreter who is mostly guessing as to what it all means anyway.
My recurring "left at home" and variations on that theme such as me not being able to find or get a hold of Storm in any way plagues me. In these dreams, I haven't heard from him when he was supposed to be home some said weekend or holiday...... it's a very unsettling feeling and I absolutely HATE those dreams. However, something very interesting has happened. That particular dream theme has suddenly mostly stopped!!!! After 3 decades of marriage it finally stops? What in the world has changed in the past year to maybe have caused this?
My answer is that Storm and I finally have had just barely enough privacy and time to really work on our version of what spanking means in our home. I don't want to use the term "stepping up" because I think it can be unintentionally insulting. Instead, I will say that Storm has over the past several months shown that he is willing and fully capable of stepping IN more often. When he does this without my prompting him, the emotional weight that this takes off my shoulders offers me a more steady feeling. It makes me respect him more to see that he has limits of what he will allow whether I am crossing them or someone else is. He is in the process of making that final leap into what I feel that I need in order to truly follow him. To use Meredith's phrase, for Storm and I, it is a leaning in. It's making his feelings and his convictions much more important to me, to him, and we both like that it shaves off some of my hard edges.
It's not always easy to follow because I am an emotional and opinionated gal, but I am learning that I am safe with his decisions and processes when he takes command of the situation or problem. Because our marriage, our vows, and our very romantic friendship stand on their own, hold deep significance and could never be replaced with anything more meaningful than that, I don't think I'd go as far to say that our version of ttwd is a dream come true. But when it all goes right, it sure is a wonderful fulfillment of a special kind of wish.
And now, I need a nap. Sweet dreams to you all....... Do you dream? Please share with us.
I have always been a (literal) dreamer. Not very many 'wet dreams' sadly. After starting Dd years ago the same thing happened to me. I stopped having nightmares, and disturbing dreams. I still dream very vividly. At the risk of sounding crazy(er), since starting Dd I began to dream about what others were doing while I was asleep- in other houses, across the world. Not made up stories, what they were actually doing. Okay enough of that insanity, because I know that is exactly how it sounds.
Arm chair psychologist time: I think in my case at least, ttwd broke down so many walls that my racing mind stopped with all it's fears in the night. Ttwd allowed me to feel deeply accepted both by B ( in a way I didn't realize I needed) and gave me permission to accept myself ( in a way I had no clue was lacking). Once that happened, no secret message of where required in my dreams for me to process in my waking hours.
Hello, Willie! GAH, wet dreams? LOL Mine are dry! How interesting your nightmares stopped, too, after DD. Arm chair psychologist could have a field day with your having dreams about what other people were doing ...... but, we can't help what we dream. As long as we're only dreaming about things that make us feel crazy and not experiencing them while we're awake, then I guess we're okay. LOL! I like your theories about walls coming down....good point. Thanks for engaging! Hugs, WindyDelete
Great post......... To me, I am always dumbfounded that ttwd is always changing. Once Jack saw the change in me and us, and once I began to really lean in to his leadership, we knew we had made that ttwd dream come true for ys in our own way. When he was deployed both here and away, I used sleep and dreams to help me weather the time. Then I would stabilize and be fine gaining a fierce independence that caused some problems later on! Dreaming, oh yes....... he is often in his uniform in my dreams........ in both the fancy dress blues and the combat one. Dream while napping ........... not me! Napping is way too new for me.
Thanks, Meredith! It is wonderful your ttwd dream came true. It's hard work and not all smooth sailing to get there let alone stay there, so good for you and Jack! I love hearing you have dreams of your Jack in uniforms.... I hope they are good ones, but it totally makes sense if they were "missing him or worried about him" type ones, too. It's also good that you're learning what your body needs nap-wise. Thanks for sharing! Hugs, WindyDelete
And again with the thinking! What are you trying to do to me? :) I am not a fan of dreaming. I have occasional "prophetic" dreams that scare the daylights out of me. I really don't like them. They creep me out! But I have in the past been a vivid dreamer, once leaping out of bed because I "saw" a spider coming down from the ceiling. It took me a while to "wake" up enough to realize it wasn't real. Um, not a fan of spiders here!
However, I have noticed that my nightmares and vivid dreams have diminished. I don't know if it is the journey I have asked the Sheriff for, or if it is simply that I am old and sleep so poorly that I don't have time to dream (never own a cat....they are a constant interruption at night!).
As for naps, they don't happen that often. It takes me too long to fall asleep, so what should be a 20 min power nap turns into a 2-3 hour nap trying to relax enough to fall asleep. :)
I am glad to hear that Storm has you safe in these times and loves you for the wonderful woman you are.
Hi, Boo! Just like Winnie The Pooh, huh, as in "Think, Think, Think." HA! Yikes, prophetic dreams would scare the heck out of me as well. Stop that! LOL Hmmm about your nightmares diminishing, too. So interesting. Thank God I am allergic to cats then, huh? LOL I can't power nap.... I need a while to fall asleep and then an hour to sleep for naps. I often wake up crabby! HA! Thank you for your kind words. Hugs, WindyDelete
Hi Windy, another great and thought provoking post. Interesting that your "left at home" dreams have all but vanished. I think maybe it's the deeper connection you and Storm have with ttwd and a greater sense of feeling "safe" (for want of a better word).ReplyDelete
I am a terrible sleeper, never get enough. Insomnia coupled with bad habits. Sigh. However, I do tend to dream quite vividly. Some I can put down to things stressing or worring me and others just baffle me lol
Hey, Roz! I have always felt the deeper connection with Storm and never really thought about it getting even deeper with all the emotional and physical aspects to ttwd. Hmmm. I'm so sorry you are not a good sleeper. That is hard on the mind and body. Every hear of Montmorency Cherry Juice? Helps some of us to sleep! So you are a vivid dreamer, too. I don't know why I am surprised when learning other ttwd gals have some of the same odd stuff I do..... Thanks, Roz! I hope you get some good quality sleep soon! You deserve to be refreshed! Hugs, WindyDelete
What makes us dream? That’s one of those questions that does my head in, up there with ‘What lies beyond our Universe?’ReplyDelete
I have two recurring dreams, one where I’m searching for my car in a strange town (I’ve never found it!) and the other where I’m in a big house, wandering through the rooms that are all empty. The car thing is easy; if I didn’t make a mental note of where I parked it, I’d never find it! No idea what the house thing is about.
I dream often but I’m not ‘me’, I’m just an onlooker. To my recollection, I’ve never dreamed about Harry or any of my family and I’ve never dreamed about sex! Occasionally I get restless whilst dreaming, waking Harry, who soothes me back to calm without waking me. Once in a while I wake up screaming but don’t remember why. I have sweet dreams too but the whole concept of having a different life somewhere in my subconscious is just bizarre!
Interesting post, Windy.
Hi, Rosie! Dreaming and Buzz Lightyear's "To infinity and beyond" makes your head spin, huh?Delete
Losing things in real life is so frustrating, so to be searching for a never found car in a dream... ugh!! I bet you're sick of that one! The house dream..... maybe all the furniture and stuff is gone because you don't want to clean the house anymore?! LOL! Wow, how interesting, that you have "onlooker" dreams!!! Well, maybe if you take a nap, you can see if you DO dream about sex? Laughing. Waking up screaming is not cool at all and would be quite frightening. Maybe you found the missing car in the empty house and it blows your mind? Seriously, that sounds scary indeed.
Thanks for playing along here and giving us some interesting things to think about regarding dreams! Hugs, Windy
You brought back some memories of our "Pony Express" days when we were separated out of high school and going to college in different places. We still have every single one of those letters sent by snail mail. It is so long ago now that they sound like a love affair between two children.
My most vivid dream long ago was of having a big ball of string and having to run around 4 posts like those in a boxing ring wrapping the string around each one. The ball never got any smaller, and I would wake up scared and exhausted. The most frightening ones are always of something bad happening to someone I love and I am powerless to help. Sadly I do not have sex dreams. Wouldn't it be nice if you could order up the dream of your choice? Sort of like Grub Hub. You order it up and this nice, happy dream gets delivered to your door.
Hugs From Ella
Hi, Ella! Aww, I love that you and Sam have Pony Express Days, too. You made laugh with them sounding like children having a love affair. Still laughing because I know exactly what you mean. We must have similar letters!Delete
Your string dream ...... maybe you thought you were Maniac MaGee? LOL Did you read that children's book?
Ugh, your powerless to help dreams about loved ones is very scary!!
No sex dream, huh? They're overrated anyway, in my experience. I do dream about spanking though and feeling that sexual need to be spanked....I guess I should have mentioned that in the post?! I forgot! Regarding the dreams of our choice, occasionally if I wake up during a dream and I liked what was happening, I can fall asleep again and go right back into the dream. Weird! Thanks for all the thoughts and stories here, Ella! Hugs, Windy
So interesting Windy! It’s so great to hear that things are working well for you and Storm. It’s wonderful that you’re both so committed to working on it and making an already great marriage even better. Way to go!ReplyDelete
The only recurring dream that I’ve had over many years but come to think of it not in a long while, is one in which I’m running late to make it to my grade 9 math class. I think my teacher at the time made quite an impression on me and it left its mark, hence the dreams.
On occasion I will have an amazing sex dream but they seem to be getting further away as well, unfortunately. Lol!
My policy on napping-if I feel tired I try hard to lay down where I am and take a little cat nap, they work wonders and help me get through the day.
Loved Maniac Magee!
Hi, Laurel! Sorry I am late responding to your fun comment! Thanks for your encouragement for Storm and me regarding living the life of ttwd. We enjoy the benefits and the closeness. Your recurring dream sounds frustrating and I agree something or someone made enough of an impression when you were so young. Oh, so you do have amazing sex dreams, too, huh? Do you ever wake up going, "Whoa!?" Laughing. I'm glad to hear that you have mastered the cat nap. I've read it's powerful and helpful if you do it right and it sounds like you do. And, oh, that Maniac Magee, huh?!! A little birdie that you and I both know recommended that to me last summer. Loved it! Thanks for the fun! Hugs, WindyDelete