Dreaming about sex

I have always been a dreamer.  Age hasn't changed that for  me.  Some of them make no sense whatsoever although I am sure an interpreter or a psychoanalyst  would have a field day with the complex content of a few of my dreams.  I careth not.

Why is it when we wake up from a disturbing dream that it has the power to affect us for several hours and put us in an  emotionally vulnerable mood?

The single most predominant recurring theme in my dreams that I have had since the age of about 18 was that Storm was leaving  me to finish my last year of high school as he went to an imposed-by-his- parents protestant college 9 hours away.  Remember, this is pre-cellphones, pre-internet, etc.  We pretty much still had the Pony Express.  Storm and I kept those horses busy, that's for sure.  (And yes, I know that the Pony Express only operated for about 18 months from the state of CA to MO.  But, somehow many of us remember the horse carried mail from grade school history and that was so exciting that we forgot about the dates and how long it actually lasted!)

Yes, Storm was my boyfriend, but he was also truly my best friend.  We weren't riding high on  puppy love all the time.....  the resulting separation was, for me, flat out traumatic.  You might ask what the big  deal is,  everybody  goes off to college, most of the time breaking off any kind of romantic relationship previously held, and young adults at the age of 18 don't know jack squat about life.  I know a lot of kids are still irresponsible at that age, sexuality is heightened, most want to get away from their parents,  do some partying, join a fraternity or sorority, and throw some formal education in there somewhere that tends to get taken more seriously junior and senior year.  I guess that is quite a common path whether a public college or religious.  But, it wasn't part of my journey nor was it part of Storm's.  We were different.

If you're asking me if I felt that we were better than others our age, the answer is no, but we were emotionally smarter.  We both knew the answers in life did not lie in any of that teenage frenzy type activity that I just wrote about above.  Looking back, I now recognize the beginnings of the feeling of being religiously squeezed to death, but I suppose that is another post, or not one at all.  Although I am just barely into my 5th decade of my life, the majority of my dreams still focus around traumas or stress I faced as a very young adult and child.

Because I didn't sleep well when I was younger, and due to health reasons, I have always been a fan of afternoon naps.  I often find a nap helpful IF I  can fall asleep.  If I do fall asleep, I  tend to do exactly 3 things:   1) Sleep deeply  2) Dream vividly  3) Dream about sex.   I was well into my 30's the first time I ever had an orgasm in my sleep dream.  Most of the time, I wake up before that point, and as I am aging that part doesn't happen as much anymore.  I don't care either way.  I actually wake up feeling kind of stupid sometimes.  Good grief!

I feel stupid or embarrassed a lot about things pertaining to our sex life, but thank God that Storm doesn't criticize me or belittle me or even get turned off by things I cannot help.  I am also not allowed to be critical of myself in Storm's presence.  My body has changed very much from the athletic gal I used to be.  Childbirth and nursing are mostly to blame, I say.  Well, that and ice cream.  And pizza.  Body parts can change color, but I'm not BLEACHING anything.  Storm loves whatever it is just the way it is.  Bodies also make unexpected noises during sexual activity.  One chubby guy/gal lying on top of another chubby guy/gal causes the one underneath to gurgle or jiggle or get smashed like a pancake.  Noises come out.   Sometimes we have to concentrate very hard to "get there"......  Throw in a vibrator and there are just all kinds of noises both voluntary and involuntary going on, but Storm doesn't care.  I care though and I once gave up trying to "get there" and handed the vibrator back to him and said, "Take this thing away from me before I poop myself."  Quite a funny moment between us, but I was exhausted and annoyed at my body, and I knew it would make both of us laugh.

If you're thinking that I should  write some of my dreams down for whatever reason, the answer is no.  Real life is disturbing enough and often difficult to make sense of and I am not paying  good money to some interpreter who is mostly guessing as to what it all means anyway.

 My recurring "left at home" and variations on that theme such as me not being able to find or get a hold of Storm in any way plagues me.  In these dreams, I haven't heard from him when he was supposed to be home some said weekend or holiday...... it's a very unsettling feeling and I absolutely HATE those dreams.  However, something very interesting has happened.  That particular dream theme has suddenly mostly stopped!!!!  After 3 decades of marriage it finally stops?  What in the world has changed in the past year to  maybe have caused this?

My answer is that Storm and I finally have had just  barely enough privacy and time to really work on our version of what spanking means in our home.  I don't want to use the term "stepping up" because I think it can be unintentionally insulting.  Instead, I will say that Storm has over the past several months shown that he is willing and fully capable of stepping IN more often.  When he does this without my prompting him, the emotional weight that this takes off my shoulders offers me a more steady feeling.  It makes me respect him more to see that he has limits of what he will allow whether I am crossing them or someone else is.   He is in the process of making that final leap into what I feel that I need in order to truly follow him.  To use Meredith's phrase, for Storm and I, it is a leaning in.  It's making his feelings and his convictions much more important to me, to him, and we both like that it shaves off some of my hard edges.

It's not always easy to follow because I am an emotional and opinionated gal, but I am learning that I am safe with his decisions and processes when he takes command of the situation or problem.  Because our marriage, our vows, and our very romantic friendship stand on their own, hold deep significance and could never be replaced with anything more meaningful than that, I don't think I'd go as far to say that our version of ttwd is a dream come true.  But when it all goes right, it sure is a wonderful fulfillment of a special kind of wish.

And now, I need a nap.  Sweet dreams to you all....... Do you dream?  Please share with us.