Tomorrow night, he will be sitting on a cold bench on the campus sidewalk, waiting for me as he eagerly watches for the first sign of my silver car to pull up in his college parking lot 9 hours away from our hometown. But, tonight, I'm lying alone in my darkened dorm room intensely thinking of him. I haven't seen my sweetheart/best friend/soon-to-be-fiance-then-husband in nearly 3 months - misery for a twenty year old young couple in love in the 1980's. The date matters because there was exactly one communal pay phone in his dormitory hallway at his college several states over from mine. I used a calling card from my ugly green wall phone in my dorm to call his hallway phone every Sunday night after 11 o'clock p.m. when the rates were cheaper as our parents were still footing the bills. I would stretch the curly long phone cord out the door, gently pull it closed, and talk quietly in the hallway if my roommates were in bed already. I never knew for sure if anyone could track him down if I did call at a time other than our standard schedule. Would he be in his room studying? Was he at the library? Would the line be busy? But, it isn't Sunday so I can't call him.
We exchanged by mail near daily letters spritzed with Drakkar Noir for his and Coty Wild Musk for mine. Crammed with loving words, daily events, news about roommates, classes and tests, but mostly missing-you type things, our correspondence passed through the same postal systems each headed from whence the other one came. Sometimes we wrote sexy fantasies of what life after marriage would be like for us. As I laid in bed this particular evening and thought of him, I was enveloped in a thick sensual cloud that stole my ability to breathe deeply. I simply ached for him, never having had him or him, me. I was fantasizing, but not exactly knowing how to do that. I was new to the feeling of sexual frustration and desire. He had awakened those sensations within me slowly and gently in the 3 years we had dated. I also didn't even think about pleasuring myself. It never even occurred to me. I thought only men did that.
At some point early on in our letter writing days throughout our long separations, we started putting code letters on the seal of the envelopes and the answer to each little mystery on the inside flap. For example, I.R.M.Y would be on the outside, and I Really Miss You would be on the inside. Well, after being cute with that for a while, eventually things got steamier, and although we didn't realize it at the time, very corny. But, that's where we were and what we did. I.C.W.T.K.Y.L. = I Can't Wait To Kiss Your Lips turned into I.C.W.T.K.Y.O.L = I Can't Wait To Kiss Your Other Lips. Hubba! Hubba! as we said back in the day.
In the late cool crisp air of late fall on a dark Friday night, I park my car in the nearest open spot and quickly jump out because I cannot wait one second more to see him, touch him. I get a glimpse of him among all the parked cars. He has sprung off his sitting place. My breath catches as I realize that he's running to me. After months of emotional correspondence, pressure built up in our lungs, all the longing, exhausted feelings, and loving that is compressed within us finally releases - and it nearly bends the air between us.
When the air between us crackles,
a loose live wire dances down
sizzles across our skin
Hiss! Crack! Snap!
A sputtering jump of electric current.
He is reaching out to me wearing his green and white letterman's jacket whose wool scratches my face as does his stubble when I throw myself into his arms, bury my face in his shoulder, and hold on to him with all my might. He smells of his letters and envelopes as I smell of mine. With mixed scents and emotions, we already know that as excited and as relieved as we are to see and hold one another, that in a short 48 hours we will be saying goodbye in this same position but with much sadder feelings that stuff our lungs again like cold weary air that sinks to the ground desperately seeking to steal its heat.
But, that time comes no matter how long we stayed awake each night or how hard we tried to stop it for just one more minute, one more kiss, one more hour, one more clingy clasping of hands. As we hug goodbye, a pattern of tiny surface cracks breaks out on the delicately painted glass of our weekend. And I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. Did we just create a near work of art together, build upon a foundation for our future, or did the soul of our body vase just splinter?
Now, after 30 years of marriage, I fantasize more specifically about this man. If he is taking me from behind, I do like to imagine what it looks like. If I am underneath him with my face under his chin, I can see it and I don't have to imagine it. The corded muscles in his neck as he's straining over me. My eyes flicker up and I want to lick his throat.......and so I do because I am not that young innocent gal lying in my dorm room bed alone anymore. I know his body well and he knows mine, too. I'm familiar with exactly how stimulated he is by feeling his pace of thrusting and I match it. Sometimes it's long and smooth and swaying, then it becomes faster and more guttural. But my favorite is when he's climbing up me and I'm sliding down on him -- that deep pressing together that cannot go any further is one of my most favorite feelings when I am naked with him. As we reach the summit, a pattern of tiny surface cracks breaks out on the painted glass of our silver years. And I do know that it is a very good thing, we did just create a near work of art together and our beautiful body vase has aged with marks and beautiful cracks that still somehow manages to hold itself together.
What is new to me is him saying certain things during our lovemaking......... things that have to do with him dominating me, spanking me, and me being his submissive wife. I find that incredibly kinky. None of those words ever appeared on the back of our letters from college thirty years ago. B.I.A.G.T.A.T.U.N = But, I'm Glad They Apply To Us Now.
There's this power dynamic kind of crackle in the air. Please tell me, have you had this feeling....... or do you want it?
That is an AWESOME post! How many people can say that today? The Sheriff and I are at around 30 years too (marriage and dating). I can still remember the day we met. I remember the day my Dad knew the Sheriff would marry me (yes, my dad tested the Sheriff to see if he would "do"). I remember the first I love you, the first touch of hands.
Now, the air crackles even still....how is that? Our relationship is evolving into something wonderful and scary and new, and it is amazing and scary and I can't wait for more.
So yes, BIAGTATUN.
Thank you for a great start to my day!
Thank you so much for your sweet comments after taking the time to read this one. I know you love your Sheriff very much and vice versa. Yay! Love your dad stepping in to see if he was up to par for his daughter. Laughing.Delete
So glad to hear the air still crackles for you two lovebirds as well! Hugs, Windy
have I told you what a wonderful writer you are??!! I could see and hear and feel the intensity .. wow!ReplyDelete
And yes I have experienced this feeling -- when Sir Steve and I were renewing our 'friendship' and he lived 2 hours away from me... with a small child... and our weekends were never guaranteed....
You are very kind with your words about my writing, MorningS. Thank you so much. Wonderful that you know this feeling with your Sir Steve despite the distance and the challenges of parenting the little one. Sweet to look back on those early days, isn't it? Thanks for your encouragement. Hugs, WindyDelete
Very well written! I wasn't sure if I was going to continue or not because at first I thought it might be fiction, then I remembered who I was reading ;).ReplyDelete
Yesterday B was trying to reassure me about something. In his ramble, though this time it became much more poignant, he said, " You know that term, 'this thing we do is garbage'. It doesn't apply to us, because it is that thing we ARE." ( I hope out of context that doesn't come off as offense to anyone). He went on to say that originally we may have been that thing we 'do' but we've grown into 'are'. *IF* one is to go with B's point of view, maybe that's what is happening with you? Even though you've always felt the crackle, which is a feat unto it's self for sure!
I don't mean that you were never ttwa (lol) I mean that maybe your relationship isn't morphing, it is unearthing and without all that earth in the way you are feeling it more and more and intensifying things? And that can be wonderfully scary.
For whatever reason life had changed part of me throughout our marriage. I remember the first time B told me he loved me, I jumped up in bed ( yeah, yeah, Catholic...pfft ) on my knees, bouncing up and down shouting " say it again. say it again!". I wasn't that young, but with a mother's view now, I was young. My ability to jump in with both feet and show my unfiltered emotions took leave for a while before Dd/s. I think sometimes the crackle was not dimmed but not viewed. It was a quick jump 'back' to us, but yet still a new us....then it was a where the hell are we (but I digress)?
Nothing makes me feel more alive than moments you describe. Not the sex, but the realizations. You reminded me of a few things, so I thank you for that. And I'm sincerely happy for you and Storm. By the sounds of it you find yourselves in the most wonderful place right now and it is to be celebrated, embraced and drank in. ( oh and of course built upon...no coasting! LOL)
Hi, Willie! Laughing. You want a warning when the fiction is coming because I don't think I can write 26 things in April that are all non-fiction. Ah, you'll figure it out most likely by the titles. Oh, or you could pick a letter and write that day .... I'll share it with you. lmaoDelete
I like B's explanation that it is actually TTWA because it is who we are for sure. Clever man. LOL @ Catholic. Yeah, we go through different phases in marriage as we change sometimes for the worse before the better, but we get there. Makes sense that we don't look for the crackle because, hello life, but it actually is still there. Love that little truth nugget. lol God forbid we should coast though.... laughing.... Thanks for your thoughtful comments and for taking the time to read this (because it wasn't fiction.) LOL Hugs, Windy
Oh wow, to echo morningstar, your skilled at writing, to be able to draw people in with being so descriptive.ReplyDelete
Yes, I can relate, it's been 22 years for us (20 married) and there is still that thrill/buzz, and it can be subtle things, like just catching each others eyes at a moment, and it's lust and we both know where that look is heading....does that make sense?
Thank you, Claire! This one took a lot of time and effort, but it was worth it. Whew. lolDelete
Glad you guys still have the thrill/buzz going on and I think it's especially zippy when it is not obvious things, but those little moments that you both just "get" and experience same thoughts and feelings as to what it means to the two of you! Love it, yes it makes perfect sense! Thanks, Claire! Hugs, Windy
This is simply brilliant, totally drew me in. I too can definitely relate. The thrill/sizzle is definitely still well and truly alive.
Hi, Roz! Thank you so much for the support as a writer and a friend. Wonderful to hear that you and Rick still make one another sizzle, too! Hugs, WindyDelete
That was touching and beautiful and thanks for sharing with us.
Hi, Bleue! Thank you for taking the time to read this longer post and for letting me know that you enjoyed it. Hugs, WindyDelete
Absolutely amazing. I knew you were a gifted writer, but after reading this... I need to introduce you to my publisher. Besides the excellent writing, the story is beautiful. You know me, I'm a sucker for a love story that continues.ReplyDelete
Well, dang. Thank you. Well this post never would have been created without you lecturing me to get back to blog land and do what I love, so thank you for that as well. Ah, yes, the love story that continues....that's your thing as a writer. Love that comparison! Hugs, Windy
This is so lovely... Those "back then" moments, once so achingly, desperately NEW and bursting with WMCTB (WhatMayComeToBe) (the code -- so cute!)... And now, with what has come (become) from 30 years of building on Befores.ReplyDelete
This is a beautiful ABC. I look forward to what the rest of the alphabet brings. :)
Hi, Mrs. Fever! Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and leave me some positive feedback. I love the way you used the code in your comments. Laughing. This piece took a lot of time and effort and I am pleased with the way it turned out and at the readers' responses to it. I wanted to start off with a bang (if I could manage), but you never know how something is going to translate. And oh, boy, 23 more letters to still write about. I'm gonna have to creative to survive it! LOL Thanks again, WindyDelete
Windy, that was just... what everyone else has already said. Beautiful!ReplyDelete
Hi, Penelope! It's great to see you here. Thank you so much for reading this post and letting me know what you thought of it. I appreciate it. Hugs, WindyDelete
I love love love this tale of ‘from where we came’ ... it reminds me of one of your posts in your/our first year of blogging titled ‘The Love Shack’ ... i’m looking forward to see what other brilliant pieces of writing the ABC winds of April bring ...ReplyDelete
much love ... nj ... ox
*Faints* NJ!!!! Thank you so much for logging in to let me know you have read this and enjoyed it. You're so sweet to do so! Yes, this does have a Love Shack feeling to it for sure. I miss our early blogging days together. I'm glad it took you back. I hope I survive the rest of the ABC challenge. Laughing...long way to go. Thank you so much, my friend, for your support. It means the world to me. Hugs, WindyDelete
For anyone who hasn't read the Love Shack from 2018, here is another true tale I wrote about Storm and I in our early married days: https://whenthestormwhisperstothewind.blogspot.com/2018/06/the-love-shack.html
Beautiful--just beautiful!! All the best to both of you.
Hi, Wolfman! So good to see you here! Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I wish you and yours all good things, too! Hugs, WindyDelete
This is beautiful - sounds like you have a wonderful relationshipReplyDelete
Holy smokes, Hello May More! How wonderful of you to visit my blog during the AtoZ Challenge. I have a lot of respect for all the quality blogging that you do. I need to familiarize myself more with your area of the internet soon. Thanks so much for reading this piece of writing and for the compliment. Hugs, WindyDelete
I had to read your post several times Windy, to truly grasp what you were telling us. Not because your words aren't satisfyingly descriptive but because you took me on a glorious sensory journey. All of my senses 'felt and processed' before they understood. You are immensely skilled. Thankyou.ReplyDelete
You are so very kind to leave me a message about how this writing piece affected you. I truly experienced precious personal satisfaction while writing this trip down memory lane. My favorite part of writing is to have the "bare bones" and then get in there and edit like crazy, reading about subjects that I just barely touch upon for inspiring words, and learning how to put new words together. Thank you so very much, Dear Anonymous. I appreciate what you have shared with me more than you know. Hugs, WindyDelete