Some really good things have happened in our household in 2019, and for all of that, I am truly grateful. However, the struggles it took to get those good things this year have absolutely exhausted me physically and mentally. I am glad that it is the last days of December of '19 and not the first few days of January when Storm and I had some big decisions to make -- the kind where you truly need to be on the same page as parents, but we just weren't. As lovers? Yes. As people committed to each other and our marriage? Of course. Spiritually? Yes. As best friends? Yes. As parents ? Nope. Not that we didn't try really hard though, and we still are. And to do all of this while navigating and negotiating major changes in our ttwd dynamic as we set out to do in January of 2019? GAH! Are we crazy? Don't answer that!
Sometimes things irritate in me in life.....duh.....whether or not I share that with anyone is another matter, but either way, I feel it. I am not used to being an angry person and I don't think overall that I am, but this year I have probably experienced the most anger that I ever had..... and the reasons are not many. It's just one.
I do not care whether or not a friend, my spouse, or a family member takes any of my advice, period, even when it is asked of me. But, when someone repeatedly doesn't listen to me about the way I am feeling, it truly makes me angry because it makes me feel small and dismissed. Just like it is in Whatever This Is, a big part of the answer to many things in life is probably communication. Almost all of us have claimed such on our blogs. Well, I have communicated until I am blue in the face. And red. And purple. And ROYGBIV with tears and snot and a few near nervous breakdowns! And there have been spankings where my rear end is a a shade of one or two of those colors because of it. Eek!
I have said to those near to me when I want them to know that I am right there, attentive, "I hear you," or if the situation calls for it, "I need you to hear me." I think I say that because I have done a lot of writing to friends the past couple of years as a primary way of communication. So I guess I offer so many words sometimes that I feel perhaps they get lost or maybe I failed to make my point. My way of saying either of those two phrases is me letting someone know that I am right there with them in the moment or that I need them to be right there with me in the moment. It's powerful to connect with someone like that while being kept apart by a whole lot of geography. Those connections are rare and precious to me. I won't ever forget them.
This may surprise a few of you, and now that I have thought it through as I share my thoughts with you, it kind of surprises me, too -- If I had to do the whole decision making process of de-lurking, joining in the comment sections on newfound ttwd blogs, and then becoming a blogger myself, I'm not so sure I would do all of it over again in the exact same way that I did. The main reasons for my thinking this way is because all of the above organically brought some major changes in my life. Some of the changes have been good, some of the experiences have been negative, but the issue is that change hurts. It can be a good hurt or a bad hurt or both!
For me, blogging and all the activity around and behind it which goes way beyond what I could ever begin to share here played a huge part in my coming back to life. I was very freshly feeling healthy enough to consider jumping back into things and I was also rebounding after a family member's difficult illness. So to come through both of those things while trying to convince an unknown to me blogland that I could write a little and be a bit entertaining from time to time was challenging. Blog land and its potential for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person on your own blog let alone behind the blog will put THE FEAR OF GOD into a new blogger. Yeesh! I'm laughing because we all know it is true despite the fact that we have thrown our ovaries around and claimed, "It's my blog and I can say whatever I want!"
What about the friendships I've made? Again, friendship is another thing that can hurt in a good way and then hurt in a bad way, too. Overall, I think about just the positives, but there are drawbacks here in this community just like there is in every community. And if all you have experienced here are positive things, then hip hip hooray for you and keep up the great work. I'm a thinker, a feeler, a sharer, an analyzer, and a worrier with chronic illnesses .......... those things sometimes make different aspects of blogging and friendship difficult for me. I can't always keep up.
Sometimes the seriousness of being a human being makes you not be able to join in the trivial, the surface things, and the lightheartedness of life. If you're known as someone who is funny or has a good sense of humor, there is a pressure to often present yourself that way no matter what is going on behind your own individual curtain.
I know this is a domestic discipline type blog, but I also want to write about all kinds of topics, not just spanking. I am drawn to writing about true stories and relationships whether it is centered on friends, family, or is that of which only takes place within myself and my own heart. I don't always enjoy analyzing relationships, however, because I often find fault in myself and in others when I do that. So I often spend a lot of my writing time trying to "write around" a topic because I don't want to offend others. Sometimes I think about starting a vanilla blog and I grapple with whether I would use a pen name or if I would write as myself. But, that would mean another change in my life, some good and some painful and I'm just not ready for that. In the meantime, I find it interesting that I have started 2020 here with a classic, long-ass Windy post, and I kind of like that. :)