Friday, January 3, 2020

When Change Hurts

Some really good things have happened in our household in 2019, and for all of that, I am truly grateful.  However, the struggles it took to get those good things this year have absolutely exhausted me physically and mentally.  I am glad that it is the last days of December of '19 and not the first few days of January when Storm and I had some big decisions to make -- the kind where you truly need to be on the same page as parents, but we just weren't.  As lovers?  Yes. As people committed to each other and our marriage?  Of course.  Spiritually?  Yes.  As best friends?  Yes.  As parents ?  Nope.  Not that we didn't try really hard though, and we still are.  And to do all of this while navigating and negotiating major changes in our ttwd dynamic as we set out to do in January of 2019?  GAH!  Are we crazy?  Don't answer that!

Sometimes things irritate in me in life.....duh.....whether or not I share that with anyone is another matter, but either way, I feel it.  I am not used to being an angry person  and I don't think overall that I am, but this year I have probably experienced the most anger that I ever had..... and the reasons are not many.  It's just one.

I do not care whether or not a friend, my spouse, or a family member takes any of my advice, period, even when it is asked of me.   But, when someone repeatedly doesn't listen to me about the way I am feeling, it truly makes me angry because it makes me feel small and dismissed.  Just like it is in Whatever This Is, a big part of the answer to many things in life is probably communication.  Almost all of  us have claimed such on our blogs. Well, I have communicated until I am blue in the face.  And red.  And purple. And ROYGBIV with tears and snot and a few near nervous breakdowns!  And there have been spankings where my rear end is a a shade of one or two of those colors because of it. Eek!

I have said to those near to me when I want them to know that I am right there, attentive, "I hear you," or if the situation calls for it, "I need you to hear me."  I think I say that because I have done a lot of writing to friends the past couple of years as a primary way of communication.   So I guess I offer so many words sometimes that I feel perhaps they get lost or maybe I failed to make my point.  My way of saying either of those two phrases is me letting someone know that I am right there with them in the moment or that I need them to be right there with me in the moment.  It's powerful to connect with someone like that while being kept apart by a whole lot of geography.  Those connections are rare and precious to me.  I won't ever forget them.

This may surprise a few of you, and now that I have thought it through as I share my thoughts with you, it kind of surprises me, too --  If I had to do the whole decision making process of de-lurking, joining in the comment sections on newfound ttwd blogs, and then becoming a blogger myself, I'm not so sure I would do all of it over again in the exact same way that I did.   The main reasons for my thinking this way is because all of the above organically brought some major changes in my life.  Some of the changes have been good, some of the experiences have been negative, but the issue is that change hurts.  It can be a good hurt or a bad hurt or both!

For me, blogging and all the activity around and behind it which goes way beyond what I could ever begin to share here played a huge part in my coming back to life.  I was very freshly feeling healthy enough to consider jumping back into things and I was also rebounding after a family member's difficult illness.   So to come through both of those things while trying to convince an unknown to me blogland that I could write a little and be a bit entertaining from time to time was challenging. Blog land and its potential for saying the wrong thing to the wrong person on your own blog let alone behind the blog will put THE FEAR OF GOD into a new blogger.  Yeesh!  I'm laughing because we all know it is true despite the fact that we have thrown our ovaries around and claimed, "It's my blog and I can say whatever I want!" 

What about the friendships I've made?  Again, friendship is another thing that can hurt in a good way and then hurt in a bad way, too.   Overall, I think about just the positives, but there are drawbacks here in this community just like there is in every community.  And if all you have experienced here are positive things, then hip hip hooray for you and keep up the great work.  I'm a thinker, a feeler,  a sharer, an analyzer, and a worrier with chronic illnesses .......... those things sometimes make different aspects of blogging and friendship difficult for me.  I can't always keep up.

Sometimes the seriousness of being a human being makes you not be able to join in the trivial, the surface things, and the lightheartedness of life. If you're known as someone who is funny or has a good sense of humor, there is a pressure to often present yourself that way no matter what is going on behind your own individual curtain.

I know this is a domestic discipline type blog, but I also want to write about all kinds of topics, not just spanking.  I am drawn to writing about true stories and relationships whether it is centered on friends, family, or is that of which only takes place within myself and my own heart.  I don't always enjoy analyzing relationships, however, because I often find fault in myself and in others when I do that.  So I often spend a lot of my writing time trying to "write around" a topic because I don't want to offend others.  Sometimes I think about starting a vanilla blog and I grapple with whether I would use a pen name or if  I would write as myself.  But, that would mean another change in my life, some good and some painful and I'm just not ready for that.  In the meantime, I find it interesting that I have started 2020 here with a classic, long-ass Windy post, and I kind of like that.  :)

14 comments:

  1. I started out only writing about TTWD. But as I gathered friends I realized that that topic was too narrow and I began blogging about everything. Now I have TTWD thought I write about mostly and very little practice of these ideas. It's just that I feel comfortable here because we all have lots in common, but I've shared my 'deepest, darkest secret' here. For me there is nothing left to hide and it allows me to be very opened.

    I love your humor here, I always will. But there are many side of you and you should be able to show all the sides you want to.

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    1. Hello, PK, my friend. It's really good you feel so comfortable being such a long time member of blog land. I'm very fortunate you are still happily here. Thank you for seeing me as a whole person, not just a ttwd blogger. And, I do love that you love my writing humor. That makes it more fun! I will give some thought to all that you have said. Hugs, Windy

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    2. PK, I meant to say, "Can I show backside?" :)

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  2. I would love to read about whatever interests you. It might help not to think of this blog as a TTWD or D/D blog. I agree with PK's last sentence.

    Liza

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    1. Welcome back, Liza! So glad to see you here. Thank you for your encouragement and the feedback. It means a lot to me and I will ponder on at least not feeling the pressure of making the majority of things here ttwd related. I could probably write more often if I did that. I do worry about innocent victims stopping by for a vanilla read only to stumble on something that might offend them. Ha! Great to hear from you! Hugs, Windy

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  3. Hi Windy,I do enjoy your humour here, but friendships made here go far beyond ttwd and I love learning about all aspects of you. You are right, relationships and friendships can bring joy and also hurt. They take great care.

    Love
    Roz

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    1. Hi, Roz! You are very sweet and I appreciate your kindness. Thanks for letting me know that I am not nuts with my little observations about friendships. I'm not sure anyone would tell me I was nuts if I really was though. HA! Laughing! Thanks, Roz! Hugs, Windy

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  4. Hey Ms. Windy,

    gosh I have missed you!!! I am so glad you are back. You make me laugh, you educate me on all things in life (even if we don't agree, I still read what you say, because the best way to grow is to disagree about things!) As for what you write here, well, it is your blog (I can say with the confidence of someone who does not blog). It is the place where you process EVERYTHING in your world TTWD/DD/WTI. Sometimes, writing just makes things make sense.

    so keep writing my friend, and I will keep adding my remarks. It makes me feel less alone.

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. Hi, Boo! What, you disagree with me sometimes? HA! Are we having an argument that I don't even know about? Laughing! Good for you for having the perspective that you do and thanks or sharing it with me here.
      I have missed interacting with you as well, Boo. I hope to write more as things settle down here at home. (They're going to settle down even if I have to sit on them! LOL)

      Thank you for your sweet and helpful comments. Hugs, Windy

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  5. I sometimes feel bad because I don't blog about ttwd but I read avidly and so appreciate all of you. I have learned a great deal - mostly that we are not alone in this world - especially with all of the starts and stops and changes! Lol!

    I do blog on a different subject, though, so I understand much of what you're saying. I've been known to stray from the main topic into other areas. Nobody has ever complained or fussed. Really, so much of life is interconnected, that I'm not sure that other topics are actually "off" topic. They may be less directly related, or somewhat peripheral, but I mean, this specific topic is huge. It certainly encompasses relationships, communication, humor, frustration, every day life, special events...the list goes on! It's not as though it is an isolated entity in one's life.

    In any case, from my perspective, all the bloggers here are helpful and honest and truly making a difference. It's your blog, your life, so...you get to drive it as you like! :)

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    1. Hi, Deena! It does seem that you know from experience all about ttwd and boy, would we love another blogger here. However,please don't feel bad. Your contributions as a reader and a commenter are invaluable to all of us.

      I have mixed feelings regarding blogging about non-ttwd subjects here, but I have done it with stories and such and I enjoy it when I do that. I have 2 concerns: 1) Gals who are really looking for twwd information, support, finally finding someone needs and desires like her own, might be irritated by my straying from the subject so often. 2) My biggest fear is that unsuspecting people just looking to read about, for lack of a better word, vanilla, topics who might enjoy my writing......until they discover that we do a little consensual spanking here because it's kinky!

      I'm glad you enjoy every single blogger here and her contribution to this community and friendships, etc. Thank you so much for your advice here as a ttwd gal and a blogger. I appreciate it. Hugs, Windy

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  6. Hi Windy, I am very late to this one, my apologies, but after reading this I felt that I wanted to comment. Maybe you’ll still read it.
    Wow, I think it’s pretty darned nice of you to be concerned about those reading your blog being offended or entertained or otherwise. I’ve always considered your blog to be about you and the life you live, yes ttwd included, but also your interests and honestly whatever strikes your fancy and you choose to share. Not being a blogger I pass no judgement, I appreciate what you do here, and what you write-whatever it may be about. You’re an excellent writer who expresses things in a creative and unique way.
    I hope things have settled at your house and the personal matter has improved for you. I’ve always tried to live by the thought that change is good but in reality it can take time to actually get there. I hope things are better. :)

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  7. After 5 years of relationship with my boyfriend, he suddenly changed and stopped contacting me regularly. He offered to apologize for not seeing me all the time. He stopped answering my calls and my text messages and he stopped seeing me regularly. I then started to meet him with different girl friends, but each time he said that he loved me and that he needed time to think about our relationship. But after I contacted (padmanlovespell@yahoo.com), Dr. Padman of the temple of spells cast a love spell and after one day my boyfriend started to contact me regularly and we moved in together after a few months and he was more open to me. than before and he started spending more time with me than his friends. We finally got married and have now been happily married for 2 years with a son. Since Dr. Padman of padmanlovespell@yahoo.com helped me, my partner is very stable, loyal and closer to me than before

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    1. Dear Adrianna,
      I hope your Love Potion #9 continues to work miracles in your relationship. I believe more in the magic of hard work and true love with a sprinkle of ttwd. Thanks, Windy

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