Friday, January 24, 2020

When Love turns to Hate

Why does love sometimes turn to hate?  I guess when love isn't returned or when it is spurned, but if that happens, was it ever really love in the first place?

In the case of my freshman year of high school, I was "going out" with a boy for a couple of months, but I broke up with him. I did so in private and with care.  The boy cried and I felt horrible.  Well, I had break up remorse the next day and so I thought I should let him know how I felt.  So we got back together.  However, I realized within a day or so that he only reunited with me so that he could ignore me and be rude to me and confuse me. I assume he did this because he was still hurt. Obviously, we broke up again, but what surprised me is that he absolutely hated me through the rest of high school. I kept thinking he'd get past it even though we'd never date again. I was wrong. He was an idiot to me the next 4 years straight. Was that love that turned to hate? The love part, no - we were just kids.  The hate part though, yes!  Obviously what happened to me was on a small scale compared to what adult couples have gone through......from falling in love and getting married....... to experiencing hatred and an awful divorce. In that kind of situation, was there truly love in the first place?

There's also the expression that love hurts.  Perhaps this speaks of that feeling when you realize you truly love someone whether it is a significant other, a new friend, or a just arrived baby.  You hurt when they hurt and I'm talking about more than the labor pains!  And you miss the person if there is a separation for some reason.  But, because love is much more than a feeling, there is a big responsibility that comes with it.  It is, in part, your job to take care of the person to the best of your ability as you learn to play healthy roles in one another's lives.

Perhaps when people say that love hurts it means something else entirely.  We may not like to think about it too deeply, but it is the people that we cherish and think the most highly of who have the ability to hurt us the most.   That's how I feel anyway.  I don't want a stranger or acquaintance to hurt me either, but someone like my husband absolutely has the most power to hurt me.  Thank God he doesn't do it on purpose, but, he does hurt me emotionally on accident sometimes.  I do the same thing to him sometimes and because I feel hurt in the first place, I kind of want to not retaliate exactly, but make it known that whatever he just said, did, didn't say or didn't do, it's is not sitting well with me.  Even  our children, young or adult, have the  power to hurt us and I think sometimes they know this and sometimes they don't. 
       
So why do we sometimes hate?  I have been shocked  by the feeling at how quickly peace is replaced by a sudden harshness from someone I am close to.  I've been stunned silent sometimes, truly.  I guess when people don't understand something or have no explanation for it, or it is something that they fear,  it makes them angry. Then the only thing they know to do about it is to get mad about it and lash out.

As far as managing my own anger, I'm not calling it hate because I don't think I carry that with me, but maybe what I shoulder is lesser forms of hatred such as anger, frustration, and dealing with what I perceive as rejection.  In any case, the responsibility for the balancing of my conflicting emotions lies solely with me.  During certain periods of my life, I manage better than others.

We've all been hurt probably lots more than just one time in our lives and we've all probably done the hurting at least a few times whether we recognize/admit it or not.  I bet someone feels that way about me.  But, I don't think I hate.  I'm with Nancy Pelosi on that one even though I'm not Catholic.

As a Catholic, I resent your using the word hate in a sentence that addresses me. I don’t hate anyone ... So, don’t mess with me when it comes to words like that.’ Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.

8 comments:

  1. Ms. Windy,

    Another interesting thing to ponder. To me, love/hate are basically the same thing. When the experience with another is positive, it blooms in to love...when it is negative, it is hate....but usually because what you dislike about said person is something you dislike about in yourself. It is always personal though. When I find people I don't like, I try to be friends with them....I view it as a growth opportunity. It is hard to do and sometimes worthwhile, I have made several friends out of this process. However, I have also had to drop life long friends because I simply can't keep trying.

    Hugs
    Boo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Boo! Wow, really, so hate is negative love? So according to my math brain, would hate and love be reciprocals of each other or negative reciprocals or some form of inverse? Laughing. Sorry. Your idea made my brain go a little haywire. Secondly, I hope you're friends with me here because you like me and not because you don't like me. There are probably enough people in the world who don't like me, and I hope my friends are not among them. That would fry my brain! Laughing! Hugs, Windy

      Delete
  2. Like you and Nancy, hate doesn't play a part in my life. But I sometimes see love turn not to hate but to indifference. I think it hurts just as much. Not within my marriage, of course, but in other relationships.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my gosh, PK, you are right how horrible indifference is!! No one with your kind, happy, southern voice could hate, so I believe you. :) Hugs, Windy

      Delete
  3. Hi Windy, another thought provoking post. You are right, the one's we love the post are the one's who can most easily hurt us. I think most of us have seen examples of relationships, friendships/couples etc who love each other then for one reason or another become estranged and then only have negative things to say to/about the other person and it's sad to see.

    Hugs
    Roz

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Roz! Maybe some of that indifference that PK just mentioned is a stage in the extremes of love and hate sometimes? I am sure a lot of people are happier in their 2nd marriages and good for them....but, sometimes they face the same difficulties in that one because they didn't fix themselves during the first one. Clear as mud, eh?! Thanks, Roz. I hope all your loved ones treat you really, really well. Always. Hugs, Windy

      Delete
  4. I have found that as I have gotten older I don't have the energy for hating...or for staying around people who obviously hate (or even dislike) me. It's just too exhausting of an emotion. Often for me, it turns into feeling guilty that I feel hatred. Having a daughter with special needs, I still have huge resentment for one or two peeps who did not treat our daughter - and in extension, our family - the way they should have. Those are the people I am grateful I never have to see again. I'm not particularly rude or mouthy but I feel fairly certain that being in the dynamic with my hubby that we now have, I'd be in hot water if I were to encounter them.

    I'm pretty good at avoiding people I really don't like but it truth, I like most people so avoiding a few isn't difficult. It is sad, though, when a good relationship turns bad. Those are more difficult than the ones that are rocky from the start.

    Really - emotions are just complicated. And we are just human ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Deena! It is challenging for sure when our children are mistreated. That is a really tough one for us moms! I hope you don't have to be around those rude people ever again. I hope you stay clear of the hot water that comes along with a ttwd marriage for sure! It's really good that you like most people though. I wished I got agitated less by people whether I like them or not. LOL! And I completely agree and can relate to good relationships having gone bad being quite challenging. Whew! Emotions are indeed complicated..... thanks for reminding me of that and that we are human. Great advice. Thank you for sharing your valuable experience here today. Hugs! Windy

      Delete