Monday, March 23, 2020

I'm not that Girl

When  my sister was here visiting a while back, I decided that I am allergic to her.  Laughing.  We are so opposite ........ she is what I have always called a "priss."  That's kind of insulting, but she is proud of it.   She rarely has a hair out of place, but if she does, don't you dare touch it EVER.  She is the make up queen, the hair princess, the career woman AND the Suzie Homemaker........ and she STINKS.  Well, she smells of so many feminine fancy soaps and shampoo and hairspray that I had to use my asthma inhaler extra times while she was here!  I am not that kind of girl!

My personality, my instincts, my sense of right and wrong -- all of that was firmly established by the time I was 17.  I do see myself as that same girl in many ways and I think that is a very healthy thing that Storm knew me then.  Of course he would have figured out who I was had we not met and married until I was 30 because much of my personality is the same......... but my athleticism and sense of competition in that area was mostly gone by then.........  but it is still who I am in my heart and mind.  Obviously, I do not see a perky 17 year old body when I look in the mirror and sometimes it still surprises me.  Yikes!  I don't look too long, but Storm still looks and for as long as he pleases, dog-garnet!  :)

I'm not saying nothing has changed about me....... my golf game, for instance, is much better now that it was in high school because Storm taught me to play.   HA!  We didn't golf together for about 14 years until we picked it back up again this past summer.  I fell in love with golf again and I fell in love with playing golf with Storm again.  The memories came flooding back of the hours upon hours we spent newly married and in an open field, making love and rolling down heather fields like Princess Buttercup and Wesley, I mean hitting golf balls back and forth at/to one another. (As youuuu wish.....)  That is not typically how a husband teaches his wife how to golf.  Maybe I am wrong, but my experience with wives that learn golf from their husbands:  1) Have to buy some clubs because she doesn't already own them.  2) Pays too much attention to buying a pretty golf bag.  3) The husband isn't all that great himself at golf, but even when he is, if the wife is not previously athletic, the chances are slim to none that she will ever be able to do more than enjoy the weather and the scenery on the golf course.   Not that that is a bad thing, but I wouldn't pay good money to look out for goose poop, lose my balls in the water, hit the ball 25 yards, dig a hole to China in the sand bunker, and want to wrap my club around a tree in frustration.  So when I say that my husband taught me to golf, I really do mean that we put in hour after hour, summer after summer practicing OFF the golf course before I started noticing a major change in my golf game.  I still mostly suck compared to women who are pro or even really good ones who play in high school, but I do above average for a 50 year old amateur, weekend golfer.   We really should live in a climate where we could golf year around or close to it. 

One may argue that the human brain is not done developing by age 17 anyway, so why do I like it so much that Storm knew me since I was 9?  Well, unless a person saw me play sports (not golf)  in my prime, it's not easy to explain the incredible natural athlete that I was. I only do so now because I am old and cannot do those things anymore and so I don't see it as bragging. It would have been bragging had I tried to tell everyone how good I was when I was still that good. When people would ask me back then, "I hear you're good at sports. How good are you?" My answer ALWAYS was, "You can come to the game and judge for yourself."

Everybody knew who I was by the time I hit my freshman year in high school. Summer softball players and fans in our towns and all other towns we competed in knew of my talent. The middle school coaches and fans in the stands and teammates knew from basketball and volleyball season. But, in high school is when the newspapers start reporting on games and players in every sport and you suddenly find yourself being talked about on the sports page in the headlines the morning after you hit a game winning shot in basketball on varsity as a five foot one inch freshman! We didn't even get the newspaper at our home at the time. People from church that Sunday morning had cut out copies of the article and brought them to me for memorabilia and to talk to me about the game. (A memory I will surely never forget and the staff in the future nursing home that I am in will never believe me when I tell them such stories and God help me, I WILL!!!!! Although Millennials and their children will be taking care of me and when I tell them there was no internet when I grew up, it will make their eyes spin in their heads.) Colleges begin to take notice and ....... blah, blah, blah, Windy, girls get scholarships all the time now. Yes, they do, but they didn't back in the early to mid 80's because they were still establishing the programs for girls and spent years enforcing Title 9.

I say all that to explain that there is part of me that will ALWAYS be an athlete and just because I am now a kinky spanked wife does not mean that I have to shut that off unless Storm and I decide together that it is necessary. (It's not.) I think it is wonderful and sweet when she is, but I am not the wife that greets her husband at home when he returns from golf.  Nor am I one that gets mad that he spends so much time (and money) without me at the golf course because I am the wife that golfs with him.   I am the wife who is her husband's golf buddy and that is the way HE likes it!  I am the one who knows  the private jokes between men on the golf course......... things such as, well, I’m not tellin'! Ask your husband/partner if he/she is a golfer.  Otherwise email me and I’ll tell ya!  I have a new email address and it's around here somewhere!

What kind of girl are you?

Wednesday, March 18, 2020

The Chain of Breakthroughs that Saved our TTWD

***Storm helped me by talking through some parts of all that happened.  His direct input is highlighted in orange. ***

There was a succession of breakthroughs the way I see it.  All of them needed to happen due to me being an emotional, verbal, and strong-willed woman, and with Storm respecting me as a grown ass woman, and with him not allowing himself to display emotion, particularly ones that he associated with anger or negativity.  "I'll try to be more of an asshole," he has said to me several times throughout our ttwd journey.  Laughing.

Storm shared with me sometime last year that he was concerned that when I am really upset with him, if he told me to go into the bedroom for a spanking that I would tell him NO.   So then what?  I don't have the solution to that yet. 

First of all, I wouldn't tell him no, but how did I prove this to him?  I've never refused a spanking.  Tried to talk him out of one? Yes.  LOL   But, refusing and saying it's not fair or blah blah blah........ nope.  However, Storm is rightfully concerned that I might not give in to him because, in my next life, I am going to study to become a lawyer so I can argue appropriately and in a constructive manner all day!  HA!

Storm's hesitation on this impasse did not ease up until Ella posted how she and Sam handle things ..... Sam simply puts his hand out, palm up, and says, "Come along, Ells."  And I know, that Miss Ella is quite spirited herself, but she submits to him then.  She puts her hand in his and off they go to the bedroom.

 I asked Storm to read that portion of Ella's blog.  That was a real light bulb moment for both of us.  Of course, I could refuse to put my hand in his, but I implored him to try it during one of our ttwd meltdown discussions.  Then the next time I was due a spanking, he did it.  He put his hand out, palm up, and said, "Come with me."   My heart fluttered and my lady boner peaked her pink/purple/black/whatever-ugly-color-menopause-makes-it head out of her velvety hood, and I placed my hand softly in his and followed him to the bedroom.  It was humbling. It was brave of Storm to trust me not to reject him, and it was HOT.   And it was also really sweet.  I will never forget that moment.

So building upon that exercise in trust I used that first breakthrough to remind Storm that I will respond to him as a submissive wife when he needs to call me out on my undesirable behavior.  That he did something very hard for him to do, I submitted, and did exactly as he wanted me to do.  I reminded him of that often and I think, in part, that it led to our most recent breakthroughs that have us practicing TTWD again.  *YAY!*

Always, but especially since Storm came into repossession of my submission necklace, he has felt the need to have a Master Plan before we start practicing TTWD again.  (I don't care if anybody thinks this whole necklace thing is trivial.  It's a ttwd symbol between us (and I guess you guys! lol) that allows us to feel submissive/dominant at times other than in the bedroom especially when we do not have privacy. I've caught him looking at it and then me over dinner, on dates several times and the expression on his face is unmistakable to me as to the strength of its emotional pull on us.  It makes me feel submissive and it takes my breathe away when he says, "I like seeing you wear that necklace."

How I saw things potentially playing out all these years kind of doesn't need a master plan.  I thought it was as simple as  when Storm and I would have a disagreement and I was displaying my distress over the situation, I can go on and on and be angry.  While I do want to have my say, at some point, I think enough should be enough.  Storm has never stopped me from sharing how I feel (because I'm a grown ass woman and I know my own mind) and I don't expect him to until I just go on and on.  At that point, I see him potentially saying, "We're going in the bedroom and you're going to get spanked as I talk us through the rest of this."   This is a huge hurdle for him.  He sees me as vulnerable in situations like that and he says he is trying to figure out what the problem is and solve it.  He isn't thinking about shutting me up.  I say ttwd is supposed to be used to solve these kinds of problems and that you don't wait until everything is fixed and calm and then spank.  He said he was waiting for me to be ready for a spanking emotionally...... in the moment was a real challenge because he said he doesn't trust that I am in the right mindset. I say that is the EXACT time to use the spanking as a tool to help me get calmed down and for him to talk us through it.  But, he says that  he is in problem solving mode, taking responsibility for his part of the issue, and not focused on my inappropriateness.  Huge difference in theory and outlook and so he continued to struggle with his Master Plan and we had no ttwd action.

I was able to give him some space because together, we recently learned from a trusted source that was helping us get through a rough time with a family member, that it was normal for Storm to be able to express his emotions with me, even to be angry.  He finally gave himself a bit of permission to do this and I have been seeing it.  He doesn't walk around like a jerk.  It's mostly subtle...... but he has learned more to express his displeasure with me.  And guess what?  I didn't melt or fall apart.  For a long time, I  have been trying to get a reaction out of him on anything and everything because I need to see that he cares (even though I mostly know he does care), that things do affect him, that it's healthy for him to express his needs and that I NEED him to.  Storm is a master of self-control, but as his wife, I need to see what moves him, good or bad, and he has begun to show that to me more on purpose or should I say with purpose. And I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me....... and us.  Major breakthrough due to some hard work by both of us.

Recently during a casual conversation, I offered a compromise in absence of a master plan.  I proposed, "Why don't we allow for you to have time to reflect?  I won't expect any spanking action in the heat of the moment and I want to give you the time you need to reflect and decide what to do.  Maybe that will take some of the pressure off.  Then, soon after, like the next day when we have alone time, if you have come to the conclusion that a spanking and a talking to is warranted, then you can just tell me then."  That way, he's not shutting me up, he's not worried if I am ready emotionally, and I won't be expecting to have him spank right in the heat of the moment .  This takes the pressure off of him to make immediate decisions and actions.  I need to give the man some space to freaking breathe!

So all of the above things were parts of discussions both big and small.  But what happened last week wasn't planned.  We were just sitting on the couch talking to one another when we both admitted that we missed the intimacy of ttwd.   Every time he would even say the word spanking, I felt that quickening type thing you feel when you're newly pregnant, except this feeling was not in my abdomen.  You know where it was!   Purr........  During this discussion, I did flat out say that I thought I was due a huge spanking for all the crap I gave him over the past several months.  Hint. Hint.  He didn't disagree AT ALL.

Storm explained that after things calmed down, run themselves out, whatever, he had the time and frame of mind to reflect on things that I said that I shouldn't have or acted in the way I did.  So while he is not focused on paying attention to my inappropriate comments and/or behavior during the heat of the moment, he can and does later reflect.  Again, I need to give the man some space to breathe and think. (and to make some mistakes!)

Within a day or two of that conversation, we got in a spat when we were in the bedroom standing near the door, and I flounced away from him.  Well, I got about 5 quick steps away and he said in a very firm voice that I have only heard form him a few times in my entire life, "Come back here, please!"  It wasn't a request.  Well, hello.  I was back standing in front of him in a hot minute minus 58 seconds!  I immediately went from annoyed to submissive, standing there looking up at him. This was a first for us. I was well aware that this could very well be another turning point.

We went to bed that night and while lying facing one another, I told him, "I came right to you.  I liked that.  You were kind but authoritative."  He said to me, which completely took me by surprise, "Good, I'm glad.  We'll talk about how you acted all day, tomorrow. With the paddle.  Right here.  You and me."  Hot.  Another first.  Dare I hope?  Yes, I did because I could see his face in the dark when he said it and he was serious.

The following day, as promised/threatened, he told me I had to meet him in the bedroom in half an hour.  I used the time to prepare.  Even when I'm in trouble, there is a deliciousness that crackles in the air.

He told me one specific thing that I was doing for the past couple of months that I was absolutely no longer to do, EVER, and he repeated it throughout the spanking.  The spanking itself was hard, and long, but with breaks, and more lecturing.  The atmosphere had been set the night before by him and he followed through with it the next day.  There was none of me asking him when he was going to spank me or if he was going to  or how............ I didn't say a word.  For me, what made this different for me was that I knew he was very serious and sincere in what he was saying.  I genuinely felt remorse for my part in all of our difficulties the past several months.  It hurt enough, in the right spots.  Also, I really truly knew that I deserved it. It was long enough for me to process it physically and mentally, emotionally and ultimately, sexually.   We made love afterwards and I was just completely caught up in him like I was when we were in our 20's!  I was on my back with my ass on fire rubbing against the sheets with him above me and my hands now on his nice ass, gripping him..............

It was perfect.  He was perfect.  And I had nothing to do  with any of it except getting myself in trouble in the first place.

Days later, as I sit here trying to put this post together in a halfway coherent manner, my ass hurts from the spanking that I received just this afternoon.   All his doing......... none of mine.  And as he stood on the side of the bed when it was all over playing Naked King of the Mountain, as I like to call it, with me standing on the floor, my face looking up to his, I pleasured him as he gave me a necklace of a whole different kind.  And that is just perfect for now.

Monday, March 16, 2020

Truth about our TTWD

Most likely if you're reading here, you have a spanking kink, and understand how the whole ttwd thing is supposed to work, in general.  To me, it has always seemed straight forward in thought and practice and Storm is a straight forward kind of guy, so easy peasy!   I imagine we all think things such as:  wife introduces hubby to some kind of spanking or dd website, she waits, he reads, they talk, wife's butt is introduced to the hand first and then later an implement..... experimenting.  They probably develop some guidelines, maybe or maybe not some rules that the husband enforces.  Wife listens.  Sexual tension increases....... and they lived spanked and happily ever after.   Right?  Laughing.

We have been an off and on again type of couple with the spanking due to various illnesses in the family over many years, but in the second half of 2019, Storm and I finally really and truly got the opportunity and privacy to try to make it work on a regular basis.

While I appreciate all that we tried to work on and all the spanking and kinky things that that lead to, something has almost always been missing for me.  We would get close to working it well, but then something always happened to make it not.  I kept feeling, thinking, and saying, how many times am I going to get upset with Storm when he wasn't doing what we had agreed on........ or I wasn't giving him enough room and space to think about things?  I was impatient many times.  I was hurt. I was angry. He was frustrated and he just shut down almost every time.  How many times were we going to argue about it?  It was getting to be way more than I could face anymore.  And he was feeling responsible for leaving me hanging.

I love Storm and we get along really well and enjoy spending lots of our time together ....... we're best friends.  But, honestly, TTWD was causing more hard feelings between us and although I would never truly want to give it up, I couldn't take it anymore.   I absolutely do not want to resent my beautiful husband.  He's too precious and too important to me.  He's my rock, my soul mate, I adore him.  And I wanted to start acting like it again and instead of bringing up his failures, I want to celebrate all that is  good and kind about him as a husband and father.   He is a selfless man.  I will never be able to provide for him all the things in life and in our relationship that he does for me.  He would disagree..... he loves what I bring to him, that I touch him, always want him to touch me when he wants to, cook nice dinners for him ....... and have wonderful conversations with totally comfortable silences in between.  And Netflix.  And Netflix and chill, and if you don't know what that means, I will tell you that you watch a movie and then you fuck intensely.  🍆

So within recent months, I gave my submission rock necklace that I love and that Storm loves when I wear it....... I gave it back to him.  I wanted to throw it across the room, but I didn't because I am past that.  I have been really hurt over the whole thing because, yes, I can absolutely do my part and be a better submissive wife, but it doesn't work if the husband isn't actively leading.  And I can hear some of you now saying what you've always said -- submit first, and see if that breeds dominance.  And my answer is the same as always.  NO.  I'm not submitting to something that doesn't exist in hopes that it will just appear because it leaves me serving and giving and bending my ways without his leadership and dominance and input ...... if I  can do that on my own, and I can, then what the heck do I need ttwd for? 

Storm felt it wasn't fair to me to keep looking to him with great expectations and him not being fully able to wrap his head around it and have a master game plan.  So, I told him when he had time to come to whatever decisions he needed to make about TTWD and leading, that he could choose to give the necklace back to me ...... or not.

After a time, I will tell you that he still has not returned it to me.   This wasn't a manipulative move on my part or throwing a tantrum.  I just can't do it anymore over and over again. There are too many serious things in life that are thrown our way and we just can't afford to be at odds over one more thing. 

Interestingly, I still wanted to be intimate with him without the spanking and that is HUGE.  Of course, I'm not going to turn the guy down for sex because I love him and we're bigger than failing at ttwd.   I think he felt like he had some space to think .........  and we were able to talk calmly with one another without any pressure, not every day, but a few times a week.  We worked as a team on other things that needed to be addressed in our family and we did that quite well.  We still are.   And I thought that this is okay.  We're still very good and we make one another happy in many other ways, so that's that.

However, you know, a true spanko never gives up hope, even if she doesn't bitch and moan about it anymore.   This past week, I honestly had the biggest ttwd surprise since we discovered domestic discipline 11 years ago.   And I will write about that here soon.

Sunday, March 8, 2020

The Importance of Being Heard

I am real, raw, funny (sometimes!), and sincere, and when it comes to my own life, I do not put on airs, especially when everything isn't perfect.  I don't claim to know much because I think I learn more from others by being humble, but it puzzles me that if I don't go around giving my opinion all the time that that means sometimes people think that I don't have a strong one, and that I must certainly need theirs.   I do need the wisdom behind their life experiences, but don't others need just a little bit from my world, too?  Somehow, I  allow myself to falsely think that because I try really hard not to overpower people with my words, faith, politics, ideas and experiences that others will do the same with me.
“It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.”― Harmon Okinyo
Do you think people know when they're being insensitive?  Are they overwhelmed, or do they just not care?  I have looked at loved ones or listened to them on the phone or via email and sometimes my jaw just drops at what was just said to me.  I want to say various things to different people through the years, "Don't you think I know that?  Do you even realize that I didn't ask you for advice so why do you feel so pressured to give it? Do you not recognize that what you just said might hurt me?  Do you not hear yourself? What I need is your love, not your judgment. Sometimes I just need you to listen and that's all."  But, I don't usually say those things because for the most part, I'm already vulnerable and in a state of emotional pain and I don't want to cause them to have negative emotions. Many times I just let people go ahead and think that they're right because I don't have the energy to gently provide for them a different, perhaps more sensitive, kind, and inclusive  point of view.  What is ironic is that many of us are often indeed sensitive souls, but only when it comes to ourselves and our immediate interests.  This is perplexing to me.  We can continue to fool ourselves into thinking that the people around us see  us as competent, sensitive, politically correct, moral, kind, intelligent, sweet, well mannered, etc. and we often are truly that, however, others often see the very flaws in us that we see in them.

I have been in situations quite recently when the people closest to me are facing some trying times.  The kind where one person really needs a lot of help and everybody is breaking down because we're tripping over each other with worry, possible solutions, and feeling responsible.  Those few moments in life when you think that whatever it is cannot possibly be happening, but you wake up the next day facing the same thing and you realize it is.  Lots of strength and restorative sleep needed here. (I have discovered that my back HATES the nice new air mattress!)  Many phone calls, several emails, doctors' visits, professional visits, research, studying, and reading have been filling our days and evenings.  I haven't had much time to communicate with friends and only my very immediate family is aware of all circumstances, but I managed to send an email or two with an update while trying to keep my sense of humor in tact at appropriate times.  Unfortunately, I was told by someone I care about very much that she doesn't want to hear from me because of this difficult time in my family's life.  I think my heart broke right then when I didn't think it could possibly hurt any more than it already was.  I wanted to just disappear.

Have you ever been slapped in the face?  I have when I was in high school.  I don't remember what was happening at the time, but an adult who was responsible for me was mad at me and I was about 16.  She was driving and I was in the passenger seat, explaining how I felt, when she just all of a sudden flung her arm out and the back of her hand hit me right in the mouth.  It took my breath away.  Something about being hit in the mouth/face is highly personal and instantly humiliating.  I believe it is one of the ways that breaks a person's spirit.  That's how I felt when I received that difficult message from a person that I cherish.  My God in heaven.  So I disappeared.

There are times in one's life when you know things have fundamentally shifted. I may not be able to exactly identify it by name, but because I physically felt it as well as emotionally, I know something inside me died in those moments and I also know that I will never get that back.  Being slapped in the mouth physically or metaphorically makes you feel that  you're supposed to bury your feelings, words, emotions, and difficulties instead of speaking your truth.   It robs us of being the very thing that God created us to be ....... human -- imperfect, but still worth being loved and heard.

Within our little family, of course, healing and forgiveness along with some very hard work by all of us is in the works because that's how we operate here in our home and Storm leads the way with that one for sure.  But wow, the ins and outs are foreign to us and these are some of the most challenging and important times of our lives. We're doing life better for a while now, we're holding onto one another, and we're standing a little taller each day after having walked through the fire and belly crawled under the smoke.  (And I'm still using the Oxford comma.) We are carrying all of our equipment (healthy life tools both new and old) and powering through this often cruel world with its harsh people and our own imperfections.  No matter what, we love one another in our home and in our hearts and in the middle of it all, we do a ton of laughing because laughter is a really good medicine. And we've got the real kind of medicine to help, too.  All-The-Tools, I tell you!

 We must all self reflect if we're going to have healthy relationships including the one we have with ourselves.  We have to be honest within ourselves about our own shortcomings. I don't believe any one person on the face of the planet has reached the point where he or she has nothing else to work on within his or her own heart and mind.  We've all failed ourselves and one another most likely many times throughout our lives.  Why do we often lack the willingness to simply apologize and put somebody else's needs ahead of our own sometimes?  Why is it so challenging to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't handle that well.  Please forgive me?"  And then move on from there.  We need to be better wives, husbands, friends, daughters mothers, fathers, neighbors, etc.  We can read all kinds of books and articles, and watch the news that while informative, tells us only what we want to hear and how right we think we are about whatever, but I've got news for you -- if that's the only kind of exposure we're getting - repeating what we've always done and always known,  then that's not how anyone grows.

If you're a praying person, please say a little prayer for my family and me.  If not, warm wishes and happy thoughts work, too.  If you need some of the same, feel free to email me (whether we talk, used to talk, but don't anymore, or if you don't know me at all long as you're an adult chick, not a dude.)  My new email address is around here somewhere.  I need to start anew with some perspectives in my life.  I'm not perfect, neither are you, nobody needs to rescue anyone or have any answers to life's difficulties, or be there 24/7.  But we do need to feel that we're valued, that the difficult things that happen to us in life don't define us, and that we're being heard.  Thanks for listening.