Most likely if you're reading here, you have a spanking kink, and understand how the whole ttwd thing is supposed to work, in general. To me, it has always seemed straight forward in thought and practice and Storm is a straight forward kind of guy, so easy peasy! I imagine we all think things such as: wife introduces hubby to some kind of spanking or dd website, she waits, he reads, they talk, wife's butt is introduced to the hand first and then later an implement..... experimenting. They probably develop some guidelines, maybe or maybe not some rules that the husband enforces. Wife listens. Sexual tension increases....... and they lived spanked and happily ever after. Right? Laughing.
We have been an off and on again type of couple with the spanking due to various illnesses in the family over many years, but in the second half of 2019, Storm and I finally really and truly got the opportunity and privacy to try to make it work on a regular basis.
While I appreciate all that we tried to work on and all the spanking and kinky things that that lead to, something has almost always been missing for me. We would get close to working it well, but then something always happened to make it not. I kept feeling, thinking, and saying, how many times am I going to get upset with Storm when he wasn't doing what we had agreed on........ or I wasn't giving him enough room and space to think about things? I was impatient many times. I was hurt. I was angry. He was frustrated and he just shut down almost every time. How many times were we going to argue about it? It was getting to be way more than I could face anymore. And he was feeling responsible for leaving me hanging.
I love Storm and we get along really well and enjoy spending lots of our time together ....... we're best friends. But, honestly, TTWD was causing more hard feelings between us and although I would never truly want to give it up, I couldn't take it anymore. I absolutely do not want to resent my beautiful husband. He's too precious and too important to me. He's my rock, my soul mate, I adore him. And I wanted to start acting like it again and instead of bringing up his failures, I want to celebrate all that is good and kind about him as a husband and father. He is a selfless man. I will never be able to provide for him all the things in life and in our relationship that he does for me. He would disagree..... he loves what I bring to him, that I touch him, always want him to touch me when he wants to, cook nice dinners for him ....... and have wonderful conversations with totally comfortable silences in between. And Netflix. And Netflix and chill, and if you don't know what that means, I will tell you that you watch a movie and then you fuck intensely. 🍆
So within recent months, I gave my submission rock necklace that I love and that Storm loves when I wear it....... I gave it back to him. I wanted to throw it across the room, but I didn't because I am past that. I have been really hurt over the whole thing because, yes, I can absolutely do my part and be a better submissive wife, but it doesn't work if the husband isn't actively leading. And I can hear some of you now saying what you've always said -- submit first, and see if that breeds dominance. And my answer is the same as always. NO. I'm not submitting to something that doesn't exist in hopes that it will just appear because it leaves me serving and giving and bending my ways without his leadership and dominance and input ...... if I can do that on my own, and I can, then what the heck do I need ttwd for?
Storm felt it wasn't fair to me to keep looking to him with great expectations and him not being fully able to wrap his head around it and have a master game plan. So, I told him when he had time to come to whatever decisions he needed to make about TTWD and leading, that he could choose to give the necklace back to me ...... or not.
After a time, I will tell you that he still has not returned it to me. This wasn't a manipulative move on my part or throwing a tantrum. I just can't do it anymore over and over again. There are too many serious things in life that are thrown our way and we just can't afford to be at odds over one more thing.
Interestingly, I still wanted to be intimate with him without the spanking and that is HUGE. Of course, I'm not going to turn the guy down for sex because I love him and we're bigger than failing at ttwd. I think he felt like he had some space to think ......... and we were able to talk calmly with one another without any pressure, not every day, but a few times a week. We worked as a team on other things that needed to be addressed in our family and we did that quite well. We still are. And I thought that this is okay. We're still very good and we make one another happy in many other ways, so that's that.
However, you know, a true spanko never gives up hope, even if she doesn't bitch and moan about it anymore. This past week, I honestly had the biggest ttwd surprise since we discovered domestic discipline 11 years ago. And I will write about that here soon.
I keep saying this, but I think we have the same life. Sigh. I am sad to hear that it is so hard, but intrigued when I read that last paragraph.
You know, I have been trying with my Sheriff for a while now and while we aren't there, we are close. Which makes us closer as a couple which is never bad.
Here is hoping you and I find that elusive place in ttwd/DD/whatever!
Samsies, eh? LOL I'm sorry to report that it is hard sometimes, but it's really good when it's all working the right way! I'm glad you and your guy are growing closer. Thanks for your support! Hugs, Windy
nodding I hear your frustration... I really do. We're dealing with some health issues that have made TTWD just about disappear around here.... and I have had a post rolling around in my head for a week or so about it...ReplyDelete
IF (seeing as you left us hanging - grinning) you have solved the problem I for one can't wait to hear how/why you managed it
Thank you for hearing me. Health issues suck especially when they disrupt ttwd type stuff, don't they?Ah, yes, I am writing a post as we speak with the update.... stay tuned! LOL Hugs, Windy
Sister, you know I'm right there with you! Have been for years. On and off, back on then health problems arise. I know it's worth the battle, but sometimes it does feel like a battle.ReplyDelete
Hey, girl! Preach it, right? LOL It is worth the battle you are right. Thanks for your encouragment behind the blog. Hugs, WindyDelete
I know this will sound crazy, but sometimes I wish that this lifestyle did not need to be kept secret. That it would be considered a mainstream choice and therefore we could talk about it openly. Even better, there would be classes we could all attend with support for all - those with the dominant role as well as the submissive role. Sadly that will never be, so lucky for us we have blogland ;)ReplyDelete
I have noticed a pattern that it is considerably more difficult for the dominant person to be consistent, which leads me to believe that it must be such a difficult role to fill. Even with permission. Because while we crave this and try to reassure our dominant partners that it IS ok, I sort of understand their fear. There are times they may make us cry, or yell out, or say "ouch" (or use more harsh terms). That has to be a bit scary or overwhelming to the average person who didn't plan on this type of relationship. Though my hubby absolutely sees huge benefits (we communicate more, my health is better at his insistence on my doing certain things, our intimate life is better, we aren't roommates - we are a viable and happy couple, and he sees it helps my anxiety) yet he has a hard time wrapping his head around this. He is doing it for me. He likes the benefits, he sees the benefits, but I have no doubt he would prefer to get there in a different way. So this is the most selfless thing he has done in the many years we have been together.
And me? I do indeed try to behave submissively even when he isn't in HOH-y mode because it makes me more aware of the need to take care of myself and our relationship (I really stink at not using bossy words but in my defense I was a teacher of a difficult population for many years). It is sometimes frustrating for sure when he lets things slide or stops too soon. Sometimes I mention it to him and sometimes I don't.
The key for me is that I do try to understand/remember that being HOH-y for him is not his natural behavior, but being submissive for me is indeed my natural behavior (and I still think it's odd but I really need to get passed that because it's just who I am organically).
The big question is how do we get what we need while allowing our loving partners to have the comfort level they need? The answer is - I have no doggone clue. I'm really just adding my voice to the choir so none of us feel alone.
I so appreciate all of you who blog and who share so much. I learn from you all, I take courage from you all, and I have tried to be less of a lurker and more of an active commentator because you all ROCK. And I thank you.
Hi, Deena! I'm so glad you are sharing here. It really helps all of us and it helps connect us, too. It actually doesn't sound crazy and not having to keep it secret would be a very freeing thing, but a lot of people would go nuts over it and harass us. Blah! It's just a spanking relationship, I guess in its simplest form with the hubby leading.Delete
You are spot on with the pattern you're noticing with inconsistency of enforcement by the dominant partner. I think you're right that we subs/wives can't quite grasp why it's so hard for them and that it is indeed a HUGE responsibility for them.
I think the more you can share with gals in blogland your feelings and experiences that it will help you get past accepting and being comfortable that you're an organic submissive. I know what you mean though...it's always there in the back of my mind, too.
I love all that you are pointing out here, Deena. You have some ideas that could be individual posts on their own. And, this comfort level that you speak of, you're right, we need to allow them to have it. And that, in a way, is part of what my follow up post will be.
I appreciate you joining in here and bringing so much to this conversation. Thanks for being a faithful reader and for becoming an active commentator. Love it! Hugs, Windy
Any chance you could rekindle things by sticking to the fun/erotic/play side of spanking for a bit? If you make it worth his while, and I know you know what I mean, I think he will be happy to whack away to your heart's content. Once you make this play a regular occasion to be eagerly anticipated, you can then start to reintroduce the D/s elements you crave.ReplyDelete
Even if you are only partially successful, you will enjoy greater intimacy and that closeness we all love.
Just a thought...
Hello! Well, if I am going to seriously consider anyone's advice here in blog land, it would definitely be yours! Although I do have to tell you that when I started blogging 2 years ago, I was getting to know the ropes and on Amy's blog, there was a post where you had recommended a hairbrush paddle. Since Storm and I were new to most implements, we thought we'd try that one. OH MY GOSH. OUCH!!! I remeber's Amy's response to me was, "Oh, shit, is right, girl! Be careful!" Laughing. That paddle is staying the drawer after the THUD almost knocked me across the room. (Exaggerating)
Okay, seriously..... I love your comment "and I know you know what I mean!" Laughing. I so do know, you are right!!
It's interesting because what you're suggesting is what my very first post plays out as that is what we were doing before we even knew anything about ttwd. We just went with the erotic part of spanking and a little D/S..... I would miss the psychological element that ttwd brings, but I don't want to not be spanked anymore, so I appreciate your advice and I will keep that in mind for sure as Storm and I continue to figure things out. Thanks for your insightful idea and comment. Hugs, Windy
Thank you, Windy. I don't remember that particular recommendation, but I hope it wasn't offered to a newbie. Paddles are an acquired taste and many spankos are content to not acquire it very often. To each her own. With this we learn.Delete
I knew you'd know! Ha! Sometimes, I think it's a matter of finding the right path to that place you want to be. If you can take the scenic route, so much the better.
I look forward to reading the rest of the story.
No, it wasn't newbie advice and we weren't newbies anyway. We were specifically looking for a paddle, something quieter than the one we have..... I am a paddle girl!! :) It was all a fun experience and a funny exchange with Amy that I thought I'd share.Delete
I will be sharing the rest of the story soon indeed! Hugs, Windy
Whoa, hey, wait a minute - Windy - come baaaack. What? What happened? Talk about a tease... lol. 💜. Can’t wait to hear the rest of te story...ReplyDelete
Hi, Olivia! LOL! I'll be back soon with an update. Working on the post the last 2 days and looking forward to sharing the rest of the story. Hugs, WindyDelete
I’m sorry to hear things have been so difficult, ttwd is not always an easy lifestyle to maintain as you’ve said, and it definitely ebbs and flows at times. I do think it’s good that you’ve made the decision to set it aside for now anyway, it is better that you love and appreciate each other for who you are not what we wish we could be. I wish you well with this and who knows, the day may come when you’re wearing that rock necklace again. :)ReplyDelete
Hey, Laurel. It's okay. I have an upcoming post that explains what happened after all of this..... stay tuned. :) I hope you and your guy are well. Hugs, WindyDelete
Hi Windy, leave us hanging girl, I want to hear about the surprise too. I think many of us can relate this. For some reason ttwd very much tends to come and go. When things are going well, it's fantastic, when it halts, well, it leads to the feelings you describe here.ReplyDelete
As you know, we haven't practiced ttwd for such a long time now. However, we have recently started dabbling again, as Bonnie said above, with the fun, erotic side only so far. I really don't think we we return to a ttwd dynamic as such. I can say though, that although we stopped practicing, many of the benefits we gained from ttwd remained, such as greater/better communication and intimacy and closeness.
Laughing, Roz! Thanks for letting me know you and your guy relate to this, too. Some of the feelings are pretty rough when ttwd things are a strain, you're right.Delete
I am glad to hear you're dabbling again... any kind of spanking is better than none at all and I am appreciating Bonnie's advice here, too.
I do love hearing that the closeness, intimacy, and communication remains even if the ttwd part fades. That is good news. Hugs, Windy
So you really had me sit back thinking with your take on submit first and see if that breeds dominance. And I do think that has a place. Sometimes that is what a dominant needs, sometimes it is valid and important because that is who someone is and they can still experience being a sub, sometimes that in itself is a very important point of submission. But it's fucking brutal submitting to a void. And it can be really unhealthy. on both sides. And no single aspect of a relationship is worth sacrificing the peace and happiness at the core of who you are as couple.ReplyDelete
Now, about that cliffhanger???
Hey, Storm! Yes, it has a place..... I do understand it in theory, but I struggle with making myself be submissive if I don't feel (in general, not always) the dominance. No can do.Delete
What you said makes sense, and I agree. Laughing about the cliffhanger. I promise I am working on it! Thanks for the conversation here! Hugs, Windy