Amazing Grace, it's Been 2 Years!

It feels like 20!   Ha!  I've done a lot of living in my 2 years of blogging.   Compared to many other years of my adult life, yes, I have lived and loved fiercely these past 2 years and I am not ashamed of having offered my vulnerability to others. I have loved hard and been loved in return, and I have also loved hard and lost hard.

Do I have any regrets so far?   Yes, I wish I had a few do-overs within the past two years and looking back on my life as a whole.  I think many people who claim they have no regrets are in denial. I marvel at some who live in their imaginary bubbles, totally unaware that the rest of us can clearly see right through their transparent coverings.  It's like a little child who when she first learns to play hide-and-go-seek believes that if she just covers her own eyes, no one can see her because she can't see herself.  Hopefully, most of us aren't rude enough, mean enough, or so lacking in manners that you do burst someone else's bubble.  However, I think it's healthy to self assess our own bubbles every now and then, do some deflating if not an outright popping of them, and then blow anew.

 For me, as I reflect on my own life, it's not that I would always do the exact opposite in these hypothetical do-overs, but I would definitely do a few things softer.  I wouldn't love less intensely because that is just a huge part of who I have been since I was a sensitive little girl, but I would choose wiser those that I let right next to my heart, let go easier the harsh opinions and lectures that weren't healthy for me, and make sure I keep all the good ones right here in my spirit. I am not better at love in many of its forms than anyone else (give yourself some credit, whispers my inner spirit), but I am often more willing to be intimate with others in whom I sometimes find that they hide their vulnerability, no matter how strong they claim to be, how accomplished they might be, how sure of themselves they appear, or how above meaningful connection they sometimes hold themselves.   I see you and I've always seen you and I'm not sorry for being able to do so.  I truly feel that someone strong enough yet gentle enough needs to come along and crack a few hardened shells.  Humans need to both give and receive love and acceptance even when we don't recognize or struggle with admitting that we do.  For those in my life who see right into my bubble, my successes and failures, easily reading my heart when it's soft, medium, or hard, and for giving me grace as I work on my bubble, I say bravo and thank you. You know who you are.  However, even if you just read here and rarely or never comment, you do know me at least a little through my self revelations and my wacky sense of humor. I welcome you here on my blog and you are welcome to get to know me and my fellow commenters here.  I want this to be a safe place for you if you're looking somewhere to land.  As a fisherwoman, I promise I know how to safely land a fish and I will treat you with the same respectful care.  But, you catch them on a sharp hook, Windy!  True, but they won't respond to a beckoning whistle!  Don't worry, I won't fillet you, fry you up in a pan, and eat you like a starving devout Catholic on a Friday during Lent.  Probably.  Unless you're a dick.  Not Storm's dick though 'cuz I like that one!

I believe some of life holds periods of time where a person or a group of persons need to catch up to where others are.  And we need to let them for flip's sake!  We need each other's grace and we need to offer that grace especially woman to woman -- everywhere---  in our families, with friends old and new, with our pain in the ass neighbors and co-workers, with our sisters and daughters whether small or grown, living at home or having flown the coop.  The older must teach the younger, the experienced climbers need to show others the ropes.  So what if it slows you down a bit to help somebody.  Reach up to grow yourself and reach back to pull somebody else forward.  Give each other this space and grace.

You show me someone who claims to have never experienced the pain of rejection, to have made no mistakes, and to have never needed any kind of help from anyone ever, and I'll show you a fibber and  evidence of stunted emotional growth.  There is no substitute for actual life experience, although education in its many forms is important.   I am a person who has been very open to change within myself and initiating change within the subcultures in which I participate, especially these past 2 years. I am not proficient enough to explain how difficult this has been, how much of a toll it has taken on me,  and how I somehow receive such things into my spirit extremely deep and personal.  Let no one assume that this personal change thing is always perceived as healthy..... in my experience, it has been quite the opposite.  Imagine educating yourself not based on some new flimsy idea or trend, but in historical truth, in clear facts, in science, about various faiths of others, differences in how one loves and who one loves and not only accepting them but affirming them (that's a huge distinction) and in the different ways that many good people live.  And then imagine trying to break into that kind of life while still keeping one foot in the old subculture whether it be "the church",  a group of friends or coworkers, family members, or a Venn diagram of all of those categories and more.  In each new place, you're facing a ton of people who don't know you or recognize you, who have judged the habits of those like me that have come before me, and they will continue to do so until I have proven over and over again that I am not a typical anything and I can walk their line if I choose to do so. And let me tell you that is an amazing feat because I was never told what or where the dog gone line was in the first place.

Stepping outside my own bubble and looking back in it, I have identified errors in my thinking and behavior and I am still making personal changes, but 99 percent of people within most subcultures don't like change not only within themselves, but within their groups, and any change whatsoever in any of its members.  It's mind boggling and some of it is gas lighting and all of it just feels like so many people are disappointed in me and that makes me feel disappointed in myself. I  find myself repeatedly stunned and whispering What in the actual fuck?   I am so hard on myself already, I agonize over relationships, friendships, and EVERYTHING, and I honestly do not need a heavy hand from anybody (other than Storm wielding whatever implement!).  I have allowed this to shut me down and close myself off from others at times , which is the exact opposite of what I set out to do and of who I am.  I'm not some happy, barky morning coffee chicken (what?!) filled to the brim with all good news and viewing everybody's cups as half full 100 percent of the time.  It is very challenging to give yourself grace and mercy when the people you care about don't offer it.  And, I deserve it, dammit.  So do you.  Unless you're a serial killer.  Hmm.  Or a serial hurter/bubble popper.  In either case, stop it!

Am I happy with what I have written on my blog?   For the most part, yes.  You gals (and some guys?) have been very receptive to my style of writing and sharing, no matter what the topic.  Thank you.  I'm no longer walking anyone else's ridiculous imaginary lines, I feel good about that, and I think it is reflected here in my writing.   I feel much truer to myself even though I think finding oneself is an ongoing lifetime process.

Most importantly, Storm and I are in  a good place in our everyday marriage and our dd marriage.  I would just call the latter a delicious secret between us that cannot always be right in the open for all to see.  It is for the protection of others and the sanctity of it between us as to why we must be the only two in the world who truly know what is lying just beneath the surface -- that electrifying secret.  Please stay tuned as I share as much of it as I possibly can with this special blog land audience who gets it.  I share  not always with total comfort, but I'm more into being real, admitting my missteps and righting them if I am given the grace to do so.  I will keep taking difficult chances in revealing my heart, and I will continue to share my sense of humor with ease.  Thank you, to my husband, Storm, for leading the way with grace and mercy, freely giving it here in our home.  For those of you who have stepped forward in my life and who currently support me, thank you for investing in me.  I've tried to make your time worth it.

Love,

                Windy