Sunday, May 3, 2020

Amazing Grace, it's Been 2 Years!

It feels like 20!   Ha!  I've done a lot of living in my 2 years of blogging.   Compared to many other years of my adult life, yes, I have lived and loved fiercely these past 2 years and I am not ashamed of having offered my vulnerability to others. I have loved hard and been loved in return, and I have also loved hard and lost hard.

Do I have any regrets so far?   Yes, I wish I had a few do-overs within the past two years and looking back on my life as a whole.  I think many people who claim they have no regrets are in denial. I marvel at some who live in their imaginary bubbles, totally unaware that the rest of us can clearly see right through their transparent coverings.  It's like a little child who when she first learns to play hide-and-go-seek believes that if she just covers her own eyes, no one can see her because she can't see herself.  Hopefully, most of us aren't rude enough, mean enough, or so lacking in manners that you do burst someone else's bubble.  However, I think it's healthy to self assess our own bubbles every now and then, do some deflating if not an outright popping of them, and then blow anew.

 For me, as I reflect on my own life, it's not that I would always do the exact opposite in these hypothetical do-overs, but I would definitely do a few things softer.  I wouldn't love less intensely because that is just a huge part of who I have been since I was a sensitive little girl, but I would choose wiser those that I let right next to my heart, let go easier the harsh opinions and lectures that weren't healthy for me, and make sure I keep all the good ones right here in my spirit. I am not better at love in many of its forms than anyone else (give yourself some credit, whispers my inner spirit), but I am often more willing to be intimate with others in whom I sometimes find that they hide their vulnerability, no matter how strong they claim to be, how accomplished they might be, how sure of themselves they appear, or how above meaningful connection they sometimes hold themselves.   I see you and I've always seen you and I'm not sorry for being able to do so.  I truly feel that someone strong enough yet gentle enough needs to come along and crack a few hardened shells.  Humans need to both give and receive love and acceptance even when we don't recognize or struggle with admitting that we do.  For those in my life who see right into my bubble, my successes and failures, easily reading my heart when it's soft, medium, or hard, and for giving me grace as I work on my bubble, I say bravo and thank you. You know who you are.  However, even if you just read here and rarely or never comment, you do know me at least a little through my self revelations and my wacky sense of humor. I welcome you here on my blog and you are welcome to get to know me and my fellow commenters here.  I want this to be a safe place for you if you're looking somewhere to land.  As a fisherwoman, I promise I know how to safely land a fish and I will treat you with the same respectful care.  But, you catch them on a sharp hook, Windy!  True, but they won't respond to a beckoning whistle!  Don't worry, I won't fillet you, fry you up in a pan, and eat you like a starving devout Catholic on a Friday during Lent.  Probably.  Unless you're a dick.  Not Storm's dick though 'cuz I like that one!

I believe some of life holds periods of time where a person or a group of persons need to catch up to where others are.  And we need to let them for flip's sake!  We need each other's grace and we need to offer that grace especially woman to woman -- everywhere---  in our families, with friends old and new, with our pain in the ass neighbors and co-workers, with our sisters and daughters whether small or grown, living at home or having flown the coop.  The older must teach the younger, the experienced climbers need to show others the ropes.  So what if it slows you down a bit to help somebody.  Reach up to grow yourself and reach back to pull somebody else forward.  Give each other this space and grace.

You show me someone who claims to have never experienced the pain of rejection, to have made no mistakes, and to have never needed any kind of help from anyone ever, and I'll show you a fibber and  evidence of stunted emotional growth.  There is no substitute for actual life experience, although education in its many forms is important.   I am a person who has been very open to change within myself and initiating change within the subcultures in which I participate, especially these past 2 years. I am not proficient enough to explain how difficult this has been, how much of a toll it has taken on me,  and how I somehow receive such things into my spirit extremely deep and personal.  Let no one assume that this personal change thing is always perceived as healthy..... in my experience, it has been quite the opposite.  Imagine educating yourself not based on some new flimsy idea or trend, but in historical truth, in clear facts, in science, about various faiths of others, differences in how one loves and who one loves and not only accepting them but affirming them (that's a huge distinction) and in the different ways that many good people live.  And then imagine trying to break into that kind of life while still keeping one foot in the old subculture whether it be "the church",  a group of friends or coworkers, family members, or a Venn diagram of all of those categories and more.  In each new place, you're facing a ton of people who don't know you or recognize you, who have judged the habits of those like me that have come before me, and they will continue to do so until I have proven over and over again that I am not a typical anything and I can walk their line if I choose to do so. And let me tell you that is an amazing feat because I was never told what or where the dog gone line was in the first place.

Stepping outside my own bubble and looking back in it, I have identified errors in my thinking and behavior and I am still making personal changes, but 99 percent of people within most subcultures don't like change not only within themselves, but within their groups, and any change whatsoever in any of its members.  It's mind boggling and some of it is gas lighting and all of it just feels like so many people are disappointed in me and that makes me feel disappointed in myself. I  find myself repeatedly stunned and whispering What in the actual fuck?   I am so hard on myself already, I agonize over relationships, friendships, and EVERYTHING, and I honestly do not need a heavy hand from anybody (other than Storm wielding whatever implement!).  I have allowed this to shut me down and close myself off from others at times , which is the exact opposite of what I set out to do and of who I am.  I'm not some happy, barky morning coffee chicken (what?!) filled to the brim with all good news and viewing everybody's cups as half full 100 percent of the time.  It is very challenging to give yourself grace and mercy when the people you care about don't offer it.  And, I deserve it, dammit.  So do you.  Unless you're a serial killer.  Hmm.  Or a serial hurter/bubble popper.  In either case, stop it!

Am I happy with what I have written on my blog?   For the most part, yes.  You gals (and some guys?) have been very receptive to my style of writing and sharing, no matter what the topic.  Thank you.  I'm no longer walking anyone else's ridiculous imaginary lines, I feel good about that, and I think it is reflected here in my writing.   I feel much truer to myself even though I think finding oneself is an ongoing lifetime process.

Most importantly, Storm and I are in  a good place in our everyday marriage and our dd marriage.  I would just call the latter a delicious secret between us that cannot always be right in the open for all to see.  It is for the protection of others and the sanctity of it between us as to why we must be the only two in the world who truly know what is lying just beneath the surface -- that electrifying secret.  Please stay tuned as I share as much of it as I possibly can with this special blog land audience who gets it.  I share  not always with total comfort, but I'm more into being real, admitting my missteps and righting them if I am given the grace to do so.  I will keep taking difficult chances in revealing my heart, and I will continue to share my sense of humor with ease.  Thank you, to my husband, Storm, for leading the way with grace and mercy, freely giving it here in our home.  For those of you who have stepped forward in my life and who currently support me, thank you for investing in me.  I've tried to make your time worth it.
Love,
                Windy
                                                                             



14 comments:

  1. Hi Windy,

    Wow, what a wonderful, insightful, self reflective post! Congratulations on your 2nd Blogiversary, wow! You are such a shining light with your entertaining, numerous posts and your thought provoking posts. Thank you for sharing so much of 'you' with us :)

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hello there, Roz! Thank you for being a part of my blog and the conversations here both serious and fun for the past 2 years. You are such a big part of blog land! Hugs to you, friend! Windy

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  2. 2 years eh?? (see my Canadian slipping through? - grinning) Congrats!! I DO enjoy reading you - and will enjoy reading for many more years (right??!!)

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    1. Hi, MStar! Yep, 2 years, just a drop in the bucket, eh? (My Canadian friends are rubbing off on me! LOL) I'm so glad you like coming here and joining in the fun or the controversy depending on what kind of mood I am in and on how nice and/or naughty other people in my life are being to me. Laughing! As long as I continue to enjoy the writing process and as long as I have a reading audience, I will keep blogging to the best of my knowledge. Hugs, Windy

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  3. Windy,

    I just picked up my tea, thinking, ah good, a safe post from Windy with which to drink my tea. And for the most part it was, although, like usual, I did have a couple of tea mishaps! HAHA

    I am so glad to read your blog and have you "in my life". Such a treat.

    Two years down, 20 more to go, eh?

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. Hello there, Little Miss Tea Drinker/Spitter! I do laugh when I throw a few goofy or ridiculous comments in my writing in anticipation of you and the other gals who like to live dangerously with their morning beverage! Thank you for reading and belonging here, Boo. It takes a lot of time for readers/commenters to do that and risk their hearts, too, with a big group of women! I'm glad we are friends and that we're getting to know one another better! Thanks for being here! Hugs, Windy

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  4. You've given this a lot of thought and explained it well. In blogland, two year is a great accomplishment. I've know so very many blogs that didn't make it this long. Blogland has taught me much about friendship. I've had many friends here. Some, I know will me my friends for life. Other violently ran in the other direction - never telling me why. And many just slipped quietly away. It always hurts when someone pulls away and vanishes. But I've learned to let go, since that was all I could do. I've been bless over the years to have always had a few who were willing to email and keep in touch, some bloggers, some readers and I'm grateful to them. I'm very glad you're here.

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    1. Hi, PK. Yes, I have spent A LOT of time on this piece. You deserve all the wonderful friendships that you have made throughout the years. Yes, it does hurt when someone pulls away and vanishes ....and sometimes gives the middle finger on their way out, too! LOL! You're a solid part of blog land and I love ya! Hugs, Windy

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  5. Happy 2nd Anniversary Windy. I think that two years in blogland is a milestone of sorts, you’ve done well. Good for you.
    I’m not around as much as I used to be but tonight I had a little extra time and thought I’d pop by....and boy what a read.
    What shines through to me in this piece is a real sense of contentment and peace, it was good to read. Finding our way takes time and many experiences and it sounds as though you’ve had a few and landed securely on the other side of them, what more can we ask for.
    Thanks for sharing all that you have and here’s to many more posts!🥂

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    1. Well, you have been around here longer than I have, so I will take your word for it that 2 years is a good mark to hit! I'm glad you decided to drop by tonight and give my blog a read! I worked really hard (and thought super hard) to make this a meaningful piece for myself and my readers. I think I will always be finding my way and finding my people, whomever they ultimately end up being (or just for a time because that's life!) I like your phrase "landing securely on the other side." Thank you, Laurel, for the anniversary wishes and for digesting this post that is so important to me. Hope you and your guy and family are well. Hugs, Windy

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  6. Happy two years to you! A milestone for sure! Reading this, what leaped through to me is that you are finding a comfort level with who you are and what you write. How totally great is that? Personally I think most of us women are not kind to ourselves as it is, so we sure don't need those negative outside voices in our head.

    Looking forward to more anniversaries!

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    1. Thank you so much, Deena! I am really trying to find and keep that comfort level of which you speak. I'm thankful that the writing process helps me work all that out. No, we women are not kind to ourselves and we're often not kind to one another, either, and I'm just not dancing around that issue anymore. Most of us have room for improvement. Thank you for reading here and taking the time to absorb what I wrote. It means a lot. I wish you and your family good health. Stay safe! Hugs, Windy

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  7. Windy, I'm late to the party but glad I made it in time to celebrate your second blogging anniversary. It's no mean feat writing all those inspiring, thought provoking and, sometimes, frankly bonkers, posts. What I most admire is the way you and Storm have shared your ups and downs along the way. That's not easy to do. I'm happy to see that you're in a good place now, the two of you have worked hard at it.

    Congratulations!

    Rosie xx

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    1. Thanks for dropping by my anniversary post, Rosie! Sharing the ups and downs is never easy and I try to give each post the time it deserves in order to give it the chance to speak to anyone reading. (or to simply make people laugh). All of that truly reflects who I am and who Storm and I are as a couple. We are still working hard, but well here. Thanks for your encouragement. I hope all is well at your place. Hugs, Windy

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