Sunday, March 28, 2021

Initiation -- Stress Relief Spanking

One thing that I still struggle with is asking for a spanking.  I've done it, not often, but it just doesn't settle right with me because I have this mental blockage that says the husband is supposed to be in total charge of knowing when, where, and how and it's my job to accept that.  But, hang on.   I don't think that is very realistic or even fair to him.

When I initially found blogs several  years ago, I did so by typing in "stress relief spanking" and I got a hit on Bonnie's blog.   I think I recognized her blog from previous look ups, but I just thought it was a website for spanking.  It totally went over my head that she had links to women and men who wrote about it.  I wasn't interesting in the pictures or videos from other sites. I wanted to read about women who wanted to get spanked and why, but for the most part, I couldn't find it.  Until I landed on her blog, like I said.  From there, I found domestic discipline and ttwd blogs that I never knew even existed.

What's interesting is that I still don't know much about stress relief spankings even though that was my primary reason for the internet search.  Storm and I don't have that as a normal part of our routine, but I have noticed many times that halfway through a spanking, I start to really settle in -- my body becomes heavier and sinks down into the bed that I am bent over.  Natural deep breaths happen of their own accord.  I do relax and calm down as my breathing changes........ and not long after that is when I get turned on sexually.  

Devlin O'Neil says in his book, Spank Her! A top's view on this thing we do:   "Girls find spanking therapeutic – hurt that drives out other hurt, pain that displaces worse pain, the psychological pain, of guilt, anxiety, fear, depression."

Well, hmmm.  As a person who has suffered a long time with an anxiety disorder, why have I not worked it out with Storm that I need a stress relief spanking?   I guess because part of the whole spanking thing being a turn on for me is him initiating it.  It is just not the same when I ask for it.  I feel dumb.   I feel embarrassed.   And, no I don't feel either of those things when he initiates.  However, a stress relief spanking would serve a  different purpose and not really be as focused on the whole power dynamic going on, necessarily.  Yes? No?  

How can we make this happen?   Bonnie shared here on her blog when I asked her:  For me, a stress relief spanking is a wonderful, rejuvenating experience. It's sort of like a deep tissue massage that focuses upon just two spots. I am positioned OTK. The pace is slow, but steady. Sometimes, there are candles, scented oil, and/or chill music. The intensity starts relatively low and builds. He typically uses an implement, but not anything ferocious. He stops periodically to caress my bottom, legs, hips, and lower back. When he begins spanking again, it follows the same pattern with a gradual build-up. When it's done, I am sore to be sure. After all, this is a real spanking. But I am incredibly relaxed and happy. This routine does wonders for my psyche. I can't find exactly where she said this on her blog, but I do have her permission to use this and here is a link to some places on her blog where she writes specifically about stress relief spanking.  Thank you, Bonnie! 

Well this sounds quite therapeutic.  I wrote to Storm in an email, that for me, perhaps it would be physical pain driving out mental, emotional pain, anxiety, and fear.  This is an area that I want to explore between us. Interestingly, he said he's been thinking about this very thing to help me with my anxiety and worry because it's never good, he has noticed that it has been particularly high recently. 


So what do you guys and gals think?  I decided to post this before Storm and I have hammered out the details so that we could get your input, but also I thought it would be nice to have more of a discussion  among all of us instead of a post wrapped up neatly in a bow, because you know, that is how ttwd works, smooth and never any problems.  Ha! 

27 comments:

  1. For us, this falls under communication. Why ask for it? Because he is the only one who can give it to me. Because he sees it as fulfilling his role/commitment to meet my needs. Coming to him with my needs/wants, *is* the power exchange, in motion, if i am not communicating, than i am not living up to my side of the deal.

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    1. Hi, Bleue! Oh, I like that it IS the power exchange in motion. Love that how you put that. Okay, I will think about communication being the key in my asking. Thanks for your help. Hugs, Windy

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  2. I myself find it uncomfortable to outright ask for a spanking most especially if it's because I'm feeling anxious or worked up over something, so in these times I go to him and say "I'm struggling" and he knows what I mean/need.

    Does it work? for me it does, the spanking doesn't avoid/solve whatever it might be that has caused me to feel the way I do, but it does provide catharsis, I can let it all out, usually by having a good cry, which is something I don't tend to do, and for goodness knows why but afterwards when I have settled I find it easier to discuss what has got me worked up, and I'm calm.

    It might take a while to find out what works best for you both in these circumstances, and that's ok, you tweak and alter as necessary until it feels right for you both.

    best wishes
    Claire




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    1. Hey, Claire!

      Okay, so I'm not the only one who feels a bit uncomfortable about it. Thanks for sharing that. I love how you have kind of a code phrase between you and then he gets it right away.

      Yeah, I don't expect the spanking in solving the problem, really, but maybe help me be less worried about everything and everybody. Gah!

      I don't cry either, but we don't have the experience level that it seems other couples do in some cases, so I won't say that I can't cry....maybe I could cry (and yell?!) if it hurt pretty intensely. lol

      Thanks for letting me know we are most likely not going to get this stress relief spanking exactly right the first time we do it. We can definitely tweak! Hugs, Windy

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  3. You know I'm with you. I always felt like asking for a spanking was sort of like kissing your brother. Although I like what Bleue D'ame said. That makes sense. I don't have that much stress since I retired, or not much I'll admit to. So no, I certainly haven't asked. Could Storm make you talk during a spanking. Could he get you to talk about why you're anxious? In your mind would you need it often, occasionally or regularly? Nick and I put a time limit on what we're trying. We're doing it for four months, it might well continue but that the deal and we'll reevaluate it later. Maybe you could ask for stress relief two to three time or more a month (or more if you need it) for two months and then you guys could talk about whether or not it's helping.

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    1. PK,
      Yeah, girl, I know you're with me. I love what you shared here and as you know, it made me tear up to see you and Nick working on your ttwd again. It's lovely to see you be able to write about it and share with us what you have in present day and not from memory (although that is fine, too. Just better for you that it is current. yay!)

      ROFL @KissingYourBrother. Accurate though! Not going to admit stress, eh? ok LOL

      I am sure Storm will read this and we will be discussing it, so him getting me to talk through it a possibility. Yes, we would need to decide how regularly I need it as well. I would think if the other parts of our ttwd are going well and there is good communication and spanking that I would need the stress relief one less often, but more often if we aren't doing well in with the communication.

      I like that you and Nick put a time frame in place and then reevaluate instead of leaving it all open ended. That's a good plan. Thanks for your questions that we need to consider. Hugs, Windy

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  4. I swear Windy, the definition of scary is reading your blog when it fits EXACTLY what is going on here.

    While we are building to this, this past week has been a brutal week for me. Major stress which resulted in me having temper tantrums 3 times this week. I am just not handling things well at all.

    The first time, I was in a time out but what calmed me down was kneeling at his feet with his hand on my head, stroking my hair. We stayed this way talking and touching for 30 minutes or more. Still lots of conversation of how are journey was going to continue. On Friday, Sheriff managed to calm me right down with just words and touching and a time out. That was my second one of the week. But I relaxed almost immediately. However, yesterday, I had another temper tantrum and it was MUCH harder. I was in a time out and it didn't work at all....still being stubborn even now.

    So I wonder about stress relief spanking...the result of it seems to be what I desire/need. I need permission to cry and let go. I never do that on my own. Hopefully, our journey will continue down that path. Time will tell.

    And Bonnie? Thanks for still being there....it is lovely to read your blog. So much information and wisdom there.

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. Hi, Boo!
      Laughing.... I think we may have similar temperaments. We must think alike and maybe have very similar ideas on the way we want this kind of a relationship with our hubbies to calm us the flip down. lol

      I'm sorry you have had such struggles this week about this. It does happen especially when both are trying to figure things out. I got relaxed at the image of you kneeling at his feet with his hand on your head calming you. And then it went to not working .... I get it. That is frustrating. Sounds like you're headed down the right path for you though so keep trying and keep talking. We're rooting for you guys! Hugs, Windy

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    2. Ah that last time out....I wasn't kneeling and I was MAD. Mad because I didn't think I had done anything to deserve it. Still am mad about that one....but I still did it....because he said too....I wish he had ... well...I dont really know....honestly, I am still carrying that tantrum even now. Sigh.
      Hugs
      Boo

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    3. Boo,
      I almost missed this reply. Having a few migraines off and on the past several days and it makes things visual things and well, a lot of things less clear to me. lol

      Oh gosh, you are still mad. LOL Perhaps you need a time out for being mad about your time out. Laughing.

      Actually, I feel it was a VERY good thing that you did what he said even though you didn't agree with it. That is so not easy to do, so kudos to you on that. That is a clear sign to him that you will listen to his guidance/direction.

      Oh, you left us hanging at "I wish he had......" ?? Feel free to let us know your thought train! Hugs, Windy

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    4. Thank you, Boo, for your kind words. It's friends who keep me coming back!

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  5. OMG - you hit the nail on the head... stress relief spanking!! I SO needed one on Saturday - after the dreadful drive home.. I was literally shaking inside... going through a major flight or fight reaction... and it didn't get better on Sunday - low grade headache was added. The only thing was Sir Steve was going through his own version of anxiety and spanking or sex or anything extra curricular was out of the question.

    BUT in the past I have learned that when I am tied up in knots - when the pain inside is bigger than me - a good spanking - pretty much like what Bonnie described - worked wonders at releasing the tension inside me. It works best (for me) if the spanking can continue until I am in full blown ugly crying.... then Sir Steve strokes and soothes ... and miraculously the anxiety lessens..

    Not sure I could ask for one.... stress relief spanking - cause ya know - I'm programmed to not ask... but am thinking it might do US both some good... cause maybe it would relieve Sir Steve's stress too if he's doing what comes naturally to him?? (am I explaining that right?? )

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    1. Hi, MorningStar!

      Oh, yes, I read at your blog. You definitely needed some stress relief spanking this weekend at your place. I'm so sorry that was so anxiety producing that darn scary drive home!

      I hear you on the headaches. I've had them all weekend as well.

      Tied up in knots is indeed what my anxiety feels like sometimes. I'm glad to hear that a stress relief spanking has worked for you in the past. That gives me some hope. I will keep in mind that it may take until I cry to be effective.

      I'm sorry you can't ask for one, but I understand why that is. I struggle with it and it isn't a rule that I can't ask. For you, should we all email Sir Steve and ask for you? Or send a little birdie over to whisper it in his ear? Laughing. Can you imagine the trouble we'd all get ourselves in if we did stuff like that. PK would be the ring leader, I am sure of it.

      Thanks for your experienced input here. I hope your car troubles get cleared soon and you have a less stressful time of things after that. Hang in there. Hugs, Windy

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    2. Morningstar, yes you described it! Thats exactly what I was/am doing with this last week...right down to the headache!

      Hugs
      Boo

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    3. I agree with Boo! Sorry I didn't answer that part. Yes, you did great describing it for me, too. :) (Thank you, Boo for picking up on this that I missed. :) ) Hugs, Windy

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    4. I haven't been able to get back here until now... and I'm sitting here giggling over the image of you all emailing Sir Steve -- and PK as leader??!! YES!! I can see her as the sh*t disturber of the group LOL

      I have a plan.... Sir Steve and I need to talk about a few things... like rules and rituals and spankings and sex..... it's gonna take a while to work through the agenda.. and then time for me to process what I can share / want to share... but I promise more input is coming -- eventually :)

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    5. Wait! How did I get to be the ring leader in this ... group of tattletales? I did used to have a friend out here who's husband wold CALL me and asked what he should do. LOL, way more power than I wanted! But, yes, a few well timed emails to some of the fellows out here might be helpful. WEG

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    6. Laughing! I wonder if PK's ears are ringing. She could stir some sh*t for sure, and she'd also help any of us bury a body!

      Oh, I look forward to hearing about your plan-- the parts you are able to share. But,even happier that some good kinky things are on the horizon for you and Sir Steve. :)

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  6. Hi Windy,

    I don't know why asking for a spanking is so darn hard, especially given it's what we do, right? LoL. I often *ask* with body language or, say if we're sitting on the couch for example I may just drape myself over Rick's lap lol.

    There have been some stress relief spankings in the past though we never defined them as such. I remember a number of years ago I was super anxious and emotional as I had just lost a friend and we were having a number of earthquakes. We talked about how I was feeling and Rick asked if a spanking would help. This spanking felt different. Because of the mindset and emotions behind it.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Roz,
      Oh, wow, that spanking at the end you described just made me melt. It's precious. What a treasured experience between you and Rick. The mindset and the emotions kind of says it all, don't you think?

      Well, thanks for letting me know that I am not the only one who struggles with asking. I love your body language ideas though. Throwing myself over our guys' laps works, too! LOL

      Thanks, Roz, for sharing your experience with this. Hugs, Windy

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  7. Not sure what happened to my original comment, but I was commenting from my blasted phone, so that could be the reason the magic publish button is eluding me again in its use.

    To be honest, the first few years if our dynamic was mostly comprised of reset spankings. There were not candles and music and such, but in many ways they could have been viewed as stress relief spankings. I believe I only asked for one or two back then and B managed to fill in the blanks on his own ( sometimes he's no sub+whisperer lol). Did the ones I ask for prove to not work? On the contrary. In fact you may find the act of asking itself brings out a new or different level of vulnerability in you that adds to your submission. I know it did for me.

    Good luck figuring everything out.

    willie

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    1. Willie,
      Maybe your phone isn't as awake as you are at 4 in the morning.

      Yes, perhaps my embarrassment of asking could be looked at as being humble instead and my submission could be part of it in addition to stress relief. Lots to ponder. Thanks for your input. Hugs, Windy

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  8. I think you already have a lot of good comments and ideas on here Windy! :)

    I would like to add that it may need to come to tears for it to work, but then again it may not. I don't cry, especially not for a stress relief spanking, it's more of an over all calmness, like you explained in your own terms with sinking into the bed and all that. :)

    Instead of highjacking your post I think I will try to work out one of my own for other thoughts. But in a nutshell my answer is, yes, it does work! :)

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    1. Great to see you here, Nijntje! Thanks for reading this and adding your experience to the conversation. You can hijack a thread any time you want here... most likely others will jump in and converse, too, which is what I think we bloggers and readers learn from.

      Okay, so I may need to cry, but it is that calm that you speak of that we are after, so if I don't cry, then that is okay, too. Got it. Okay, I may already be about halfway there then if you are identifying with the sinking into the bed feeling as well.

      Thanks so much for your contribution to this topic!

      For those that are interested in reading more about Nijntje's views on stress relief and other kinds of spankings, too, she has written a piece today on her blog and you can get there through my blog roll, but I'll post the link here, too!

      https://sirsnijntje.wordpress.com/2021/03/30/the-wonderful-world-of-spankings/comment-page-1/#comment-12209

      Thanks again! Hugs, Windy

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  9. I similarly have thought about stress spankings and wondering if they would help during times of stress and anxiety. However, it is difficult to ask for something you need and I have never been good at it. Like you shared, it feels like it takes away from the experience. I am more likely to ask if it is for a fun spanking that I "want", but would be especially difficult to ask if I am feeling stressed and feel the "need" for a spanking to relieve my worry. I would love for him to initiate.

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  10. Hi Windy,

    Sorry I'm late. Thanks for stirring up such a great discussion. I can't find that blurb either, though I'm pretty sure I wrote that.

    For those who find it difficult to ask for a spanking, consider these options: (a) agree upon a code phrase like Claire's "I'm struggling," (b) work your way up from asking for a bottom massage to asking for pats to requesting a real stress relief spanking (now doesn't this sound like fun?), (c) consider a signal such as a certain hairbrush sitting on the dresser, or (d) demonstrate your desire by lying across his lap as Roz suggests. In each of these cases, it's not necessary to say the words, "Please spank me."

    How you arrive is not as important as where you end up.

    Hugs,
    Bonnie

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    1. Hi, Bonnie! Thanks so much for reading and joining in here .... and adding to our/your conversation starter! LOL You give great advice here. I just wish all the gals could see it. Not sure they will come back to an old post.

      Yeah, I know you wrote that blurb to me, too, otherwise I wouldn't have posted it until I heard from you again. I will keep what you said in mind here, your a,b,c, d..... and may reference to it in a future post as I am sure this subject is bound to come up again. Especially because Storm and I have yet to put this into practice. I imagine I'll write about how it goes. Thanks again, Bonnie! Hugs, Windy

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