Love Our Lifestyle - back to the beginning?

 Storm and I have very recently resumed some spanking activity.  He initiated this spontaneously.  Perhaps  he had been thinking about it, but he hadn't said anything to me about it at all.  Afterwards, we didn't analyze it together.  We just had a very sexy and kinky weekend with some private time and it was fun.  But, let me tell you where we've been in our lifestyle up until big things took a surprising, but welcome turn.

We have not practiced let alone discussed ttwd in a long time.  It was stressful and upsetting to fall out of this lifestyle, but it is what it is.  When I knew we were losing it in late spring/early summer, I was not a happy camper.  But, I was just not in a place where I was willing to do everything I could to keep it going anymore.  I knew this was tied to my sexuality so I anticipated some tumultuous times in that area as well.  

It is a weird feeling to not have a sex drive.  I was hurt, exhausted, confused and angry over many things in life in general, so I was pretty sure that was the reason for the lack of interest in sex, but I also considered perimenopause.  I just felt like I wanted to run away from it all.  Storm and  I loved one another through this, but it wasn't always lovely.   We can't help whatever outside forces were pressuring us both as individuals, as parents, as adult children with aging parents, and as two of the billions of people living in a freaking pandemic. We did some things wrong, but we also did what we could right.  We embraced a lot, talked a lot, and I got upset a lot.  And he stayed quiet a lot at times when I desperately needed him to jump in which drives me absolutely insane.  I warned him that we were losing our ttwd (he obviously knew as he is half of it) and that I could care less about anything spanking.  I didn't go looking for things to spark my interest, but I began to notice that I wasn't reminded of or pulled toward anything spanking related at all.  No blogs.  No reading romantic books.  No researching.  Those funny things that we spankos all have happen to us when we go to a store and see a random wooden spoon or men's belts or whatever, depending on what section of a store we're in ...... the spanking incidentals did nothing for me.  I didn't realize until returning home after shopping that those items did not catch my attention the way they usually would. Same with online things......... neither my mind nor my body responded.  This was new for me. 

There came a point where I just couldn't let myself care about it anymore.  I had to put it behind me (ha!) and just get back to what my husband and I had before it, which is in the end, that true love is not just a declaration one makes on her/his wedding day, but it is a commitment that each renews to one another on a daily basis.  Thank God early on in our young lives, we were mature enough to create a great foundation.  It was always been in my favor that Storm is so patient with me. When I finally got to the point where I could talk about it a little bit, I would ask Storm if he worried about it since it was so tied to our sex life.  As you would expect, he wasn't worried.  He missed it and liked the lifestyle, loved the sexiness and intimacy of it all, but he adjusted well without it, from my point of view.  However, one thing that he repeated to me on several occasions was that he felt we would do some form of ttwd in the future because the male to female power exchange is something that we were always drawn to and he felt we would naturally meander our way to it again. Hmm.  At first I was annoyed by his assumption and I asked if this was just magically going to happen because I certainly wasn't ever going to initiate it again.  I didn't believe him because I didn't think I had it in me anymore.  Nevertheless, subconsciously, I think him saying and believing the power dynamic is kind of "us" comforted me and let me just be....... 

My summer was filled with a kind of mindfulness, I guess, through gardening and learning to paint furniture.  It was also filled with something we call "junkernecking" which is going about your business driving around town, but whipping your neck around to look at someone's driveway you just drove by if it had a discarded, but still decent (and sometimes antique and worth $$$) wooden furniture set out for whomever wanted to rescue it.  No, I do not dumpster dive, in case you're wondering.  Laughing.

One hilarious thing that Storm and I did together this summer was learn to chop wood.  I just figured that I needed to be true to my redneck roots (not politically, barf!), and how could I be a resident of my area of the country my whole life and never have swung an ax or 10 pound sledgehammer?  Apparently after the age of 50 was the time for me and Storm to learn this skill.  Laughing.  Storm should have told me to go to heck with this harebrained idea, but he didn't because he wants to make his wife happy and he didn't want to damper my adventurous outdoor spirit that I just recently discovered I didn't know I had inside me.  Folks, that is hard work to place a wedge in a giant ass ring of wood from a felled tree and continue to strike (and miss) it until it splinters into 2 pieces, and then repeat that process until you have firewood size pieces. We don't even have a fireplace!  We were sore for days and I was sore in places inside me that I never knew existed.  We got overheated, out of breath, took turns, and laughed our heads off during this process.  We did this several times over the summer until finally, when I was at the doctor for what I thought was female pains, he concluded that it was my back causing all the problem.  I was like "Really?  Lifting a sledgehammer and splitting wood could cause all this pain down there for me?"  Him, "HELL, YES!"  Laughing.  He's right. I'm improving since not doing that anymore.  My back still needs to heal but the other parts feel much better.  Gosh, what was I thinking?! And my poor husband being such a good sport just took it all in stride, but he is glad we are done with that activity.  Don't worry, I have more adventures planned! 

I have continued with the furniture hobby and I am learning a lot, many times what not to do!  And there is something about it that is kind of like meditation.  I'm learning new skills which is great for my old brain, but also thoughts are naturally coming and going......and then they can just float out in to the open air, I guess and not bother me as much anymore?  Or at least I could leave them for a while even if they did come back later.  I needed this solitary time.  Why does there seem to be something about that that frees one up a bit to later deal with both serious and mundane things involving others?

Our summer has been a different lifestyle than the one we were living with ttwd.  Parts of it were better, parts were not as good, but all of it was necessary.  And Storm was right ....... for whatever reason,we found ourselves in the bedroom wanting to be intimate with one another although it took a bit of persuasion on his part to get me in the mood.  He worked his own kind of special magic that he has with me, and then he spanked me during this in a sexual way.  To my surprise and delight, my body and mind responded.  Holy smokes.  I am still turned on by this.  I honestly thought it was gone.  It's not gone.  And it came back to repeat itself the following day as well at Storm's instigation for a second time......It's a good feeling to know that the Storm still Whispers to the Wind, which is how all this started in the first place.  What comes next?  Back to the beginning?  We were, after all, engaged an inordinate number of years ago today.! 

So hello to the blogging world again.  Thank you for visiting and reading today.  Please leave a note below letting me know how you are doing and how your lifestyle is going, whatever it may be.  Much love to you all. 

It's About Time

This following is a passage that needs to be read slowly.  I can almost hear the poet, Amanda Gorman, reading this with her slow and steady cadence in her smooth voice emphasizing key words of her choice while Angela Mayou and Cecille Tyson look down upon her from heaven as they listen with soft grace and approval. 

This is from the Old Testament and much of that reads like poetry, so I figured it would be okay to share.  

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; A time of war, and a time of peace."  Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Isn't that lovely?

Apparently, there is a time to blog and also a time not to blog from April to November of 2021 for me! And did anybody else think while reading this that it has definitely been a time for all of us across the world to refrain from embracing anyone who doesn't live in your household indeed?!  

I spent a ton of time gardening and making things for the yard this summer and then I have also been learning to refurbish furniture.  Lots of sanding and chalk painting and learning about wood furniture. It has been my creative outlet especially because I haven't been writing, as you know, and it has been restorative to my soul at a time in my life where it has been so desperately needed.  

I am planning to write something in response to Hermoine's announcement regarding the new kind of LOL day on the 19th.  But, I thought I'd look around my dusty blog a bit in the meantime and do a little brainstorming on how and what to share with you all on Love Our Lifestyle.  And all I can say about that as well as finally having some spanking time with Storm this weekend is, "It's about time!" 

No Spankin'

 Anybody out there getting spanked this summer?  Not me!  Storm and I do not currently have a ttwd bone to be found between us.  Even his bone hasn't been between us.  Ugh!   Here's why.......

I am having chronic UTI's...... I have been since our honeymoon over 30 years ago.  It's insane, but whatever.  It is what it is, sex is almost always the event that triggers it and then I have an extremely hard time getting healthy again.  I finally saw a specialist this week who will work with me on some things, so that is good anyway.  So if there is no sex and there isn't, then there is no spanking.  And if there is no spanking, there is no ttwd.  And if there is none of that, then there is zero submission on my part and Storm isn't going to dominate under those circumstances, so here we are.  Big breath......

I did get better for about 2 weeks a bit ago, but that was when we all got our second vaccine shots (Yay!) and Storm had a scary reaction from it (Booo!)  He had a fever that just shot up out of nowhere.  Eek!  Thank God for a long distance doctor in our family and instructions on what to do....... 24 hours later, it was gone, but he had the nastiest sore throat for the next 2 weeks..... the very same 2 weeks I was feeling better.  Our timing was off, dog gone it, so while we usually can take advantage of those times when I'm healthy, this time we couldn't because he was too sick.  

We have had one big fight in the past couple of months and it didn't have anything to do with ttwd.  It's actually a relief not to be constantly aware of the work that a power exchange relationships requires.  I am sick of it, to be honest.  Yes, it's illness that got in the way of it all, but Storm and I mostly get along so much better without the ttwd than we do with it.  Of course, we miss the kinkiness and all that that entails, but we just have some family stuff to figure out and it wasn't getting better with us trying to bring ttwd into it anyway.  

To sum up the problem, I'll just say that parenting an adult child has been the biggest challenge of our marriage and really hit us hard the past couple of years.  It takes a toll for the whole family to get through an illness together and then a whole lot of healing physically and emotionally, especially for the kid.  Things are going better for her now, but I found myself suddenly dealing with a half empty nest kind of thing for the first time.  When decisions are being made that I would not make myself nor would I advise certain things, but I have to be the mom because I am needed and I have to advise under challenging circumstances, I can't look to Storm for suggestions regarding mother-daughter things.  He tries, but it just makes things worse because he isn't a good communicator.  So I threw ttwd out the window regarding this area of our lives.  Mother knows best ..... I'm not sorry.  It's true.   There are things that I am better at and I am tired of trying to get his input first when I don't need it and he doesn't want to give it anyway.  lmao  I do want his support though and we are working on that ........ And I would not want to be him dealing with 2 adult females, one of which is perimenopausal, in the house.  He is like a deer in the headlights.  Poor guy.  Laughing. 

To keep myself busy and entertained, I usually write, but obviously, I have not been doing that because I couldn't possibly self reflect any more than I already have been this summer or I'd have barfed all over this blog every day.  I couldn't do that to myself nor did I want to do that to those of you who read here.  Instead, I have been gardening like crazy with 2 raised garden beds ........

Then our neighbor did some remodeling and threw out some wood that I painted and made this:

My other neighbor saw what I was doing and then gave me an old wooden pallet that I painted and made this:

And finally, with extra wood we had in the garage, I actually built this guy myself:  

So I am busy tending to all of that especially now that the vegetable garden beds have tomato and cucumber vines growing like twisted pubic hair all over the place!  Here's pictures from tonight:

That's what I'm up to and where I've been.  No spanking here.  "Bout to get some brand spankin' new tomatoes and peppers soon though!   How about you?  Any spanking out there?

Retroactive Spanking

Some people love retro decorating in their homes while others simply enjoy visiting a diner with a jukebox, booths, checkered tile, milkshakes and burgers for a bit of nostalgia.  Everybody loves a retroactive paycheck (as long as the original paycheck is still on time.)  But, have your ever thought about or had a retroactive spanking?  

We've all read or actually experienced where a gal feels so much better when she is held accountable through spanking --then there is peace, she releases the guilt, and all is well.  Hmmm.  I guess we just haven't been able to practice it enough for me to experience that...... except for the one Sunday about two months ago where Storm was an HOH that I was amazed by and wasn't used to, but it all went perfect without zero input from moi ....... and I actually did stop feeling guilty.  I guess I did learn my lesson because when we argued more than a month later and I did not want to sleep in bed with him, I remembered the effective way he made me write lines as I was naked about how damaging that is to our relationship.  I don't want to do that again.  And be spanked beforehand and afterwards.  

But that was for something current.  What about going back as far as the beginning of marriage? Is that too far?  What about just major events that I know I failed at and do feel guilty about even though he has forgiven me? Just to be clear, Storm is not holding anything against me and this is not his idea.  

So is a retroactive spanking in order?  And is that even a thing? Ever done it?  What do you gals and guys think? 

What if your Vibrator could talk?

I wish the settings on our vibrator were not all or nothing.  I feel like I'm going from ah, that is nice......to OH MY GOODNESS, my clit is going to shimmy the heck back into its hood like a startled turtle darts back into its shell  faster than you can say Mitch McConnell (although who would say his turtle face name at such a time as this?!) 

I think the next invention, if it hasn't already been done, should be the vibrator that has a voice.  Its different settings could offer encouragement in the following ways:

1. It would have buttons for a female voice and a male voice.  English or Spanish options would be nice, too. Or French if you enjoy the language and names like Jean Luke, or you live in certain parts of Canada or used to and/or NOT if you think the French Canadians are a bit much with the expecting everybody to speak French.  Hey, don't get mad at me, I am just repeating what almost every Canadian friend I have ever had has said.  Go yell at them.  Blog land isn't that big anymore, so I am sure you know who some of them are. Laughing!

2.  It would automatically know when you're using it by yourself.......... it would be all, "Hey, girl.  It's just us, but think of that fantasy you had one time where -----"  So, yes, it can read your mind, but don't worry because your husband still cannot no matter if you want him to be able to or not.  He only remembers your fantasies if you have told him 158 times and written him 410 emails about it.  Point is, your secrets are safe with the vibrator.  I'm sure there are pros and cons to sharing your fantasies.  I, for the most part, do not share mine with Storm unless it is something that we would actually consider acting out.  

3.  When your Significant Other is being a tool, it would help to have a Pink setting that works like this:  You're just about ready to have the best orgasm you've had all year and Pink starts sing-shouting, "So WHAT!  I'm still a rock star! I got my rock moves!"  as you get off on your bad self. 

4.  One of the possible voices would be that of a younger James Earl Jones.  He would be scolding you like he did Simba, but he would obviously replace that with your own name.  Blog name or real name, your choice.  *Shivers*  Or Simba's name if that's your thing, but no thank you for the Furry stories or whatever those dressed-as-stuffed-animals-parties are called.  CSI ruined that for nearly everyone in one of its earliest episodes.  The lab technicians finding fake fur and human semen when they initially thought they were looking at pet fur and dog cum and all that.  Yeah, I'm out.  

5. It would offer warnings in any drag queen's voice, "Girl, don't get greedy, you just had a really good orgasm on this level.  Bish, do not turn it up and shoot for another one ....... remember your clit was vibrating for 3 days after that?  *tongue pop* And you didn't get to the second orgasm anyway? And then like a week later, you cracked a tooth?  Not a coincidence." 

6.  There is an option for a voice that matches the image of the Maxine lady on the sarcastic greeting cards. Hair still in rollers, no make-up, and she's just making the noise one might make while exhaling that first puff of cigarette smoke after a major orgasm -- you know, that kind where it just seems to tug on your clit in a steady milking rhythm and you have one of those drawn out vagina pulsing orgasms.  Or maybe you don't know and I'm just weird.  Imagine that! 

7.  Maxine Version II.   You're peri-menopausal or menopausal, but in either case your libido is gone for now as is Maxine's.  She just grunts if you even pick up the vibrator because she's about as interested as you are.  If you really do want to use her, you have to shake her a bit, but she just murmurs, "Really bitch?"  And then she tells you that if you're serious about giving it a go, then please read #6 again to get a little bit more in the mood ahead of time. 

I would find such a vibrator quite entertaining although I would most likely just sit down and have a long talk with him or her privately in bed and save all the vigorous clit work for Storm for later.  

What if your vibrator could talk?  Is there something you would want it to say?  Or NOT want it to say?

Zippy Snippets

The following snippets are little thoughts or stories that did not make it as full posts in my writing of the  AtoZ Challenge, but I thought I could end with a compilation.  Here we go.......

"You stupid thing.  You zigged when you should have zagged." -- My father talking to a fish that did not catch the hook in it's mouth, but has instead run into it with his side, tale, or head, thus making it an illegal catch. The angler has to release it back into the water after he/she removes the hook.  I've thrown a cross-eyed fish back in a time or two.  I don't think they accepted my apology for hooking them in the eye though. 

_____________  

Most nights as we crawl into bed and the lights are out, Storm and I chat for just a few minutes before he falls asleep.  Well, I had given him a blow job the night before but I did not request any sexual action in return because sometimes that's how it goes.  Storm keeps track of this sort of thing and offers to "hook me up" the next night.  Sometimes I take him up on the offer and sometimes I'm too tired or too something.  So no.  Well, one night, we're lying there with all the lights out and he says, "Do you want me to read you a bedtime story?" I knew what he meant, but since the lights were out, I said, "You going to read it to me in Braille?!"   And he knew what I meant!  Woot! 

There have been times in our bedroom life where Storm can "get there," but then I don't quite make it over the hump.  So when that sort of thing happened one night, he again offered, "Do you want a hook up?  I owe you one."   I took him up on the offer this time.  Well, things were getting hot and heavy with me, and I knew he had to be turned on as well, so I reached for him under his shorts......... and I was not disappointed.  Things ended nicely for both of us.  The following morning, I said to him,  "You decided you wanted to join in on the action last night, huh?"  He said it wasn't his fault because, "Someone had me by the horn."

_____________

There are certain words that sound feminine to me and when Storm has to use them, it makes me laugh.  It wouldn't be funny if he called his underwear "panties."   Blech.  Mostly it involves take out food or restaurant menu items.  What are you ordering, what did you have for lunch today at work in the big city, what do you call that sauce that you like?  His answers are things like Mexi-Ranch, Pasta Pronto, and Buffalitos.  I love when I am with him at the drive thru and he has to yell into the speaker in answer to the question what kind of sauce would you like.  It just tickles me to hear him yell, "Mexi-Ranch!" 

______________

Okay, married people or just lovers in general are sometimes gross.  I was putting a little cream on my razor burn down by my pun-tang and Storm happened to walk into the bathroom.  I reached out my hand near his face and said,  "Sniff this."  He said he couldn't smell anything, so I moved my hand closer to his nose. His entire face lit up like a Christmas tree! I kid you not!  He said, "Makes me think of good memories."  My response was,  "Well at least it didn't make you want a tuna sandwich!" 

______________

In the comedic movie, Bringing Down the House, there is a scene between Steve Martin and Queen Latifah where he wakes her up out of a dead sleep and she, having been in prison before, sat up in bed swinging before she was even fully awake.  I refer to this sometimes when Storm surprises me in a bad way in that it scares me and almost makes me want to hit him out of self defense.  Sometimes when he uses the Loopy Johnny on my butt, he can get close to certain parts and nooks and crannies on accident with that fucker. One time in particular, I wondered if he was almost doing it on purpose, but like a good sub, I didn't say anything until afterwards. I told him he was getting very close to striking some very intimate things and that I almost "Queen Latifah'ed him."  At first he was confused at to what I was referring to. Then he realized what he must have brushed with the LJ and asked,  "Oh, you mean your whiskers?"

_______________

As we are aging, I think of health related stuff that scares me and it makes me want to lose weight.  Storm isn't too interested in that, so I read something that I thought might give him a little motivation.  "I read where losing 10 to 20 pounds makes your penis grow another inch."  He took over my dog walking responsibility when I wasn't feeling well and hasn't given it back, so he has lost some weight.  And his junk does look bigger!  

________________

I sleep with no panties on, it's a thing for us, and I like to be fresh when I crawl into bed.  Well, today, I was sick and I didn't know if I was going to have to use the bathroom again at night or what, so I told him I needed to sleep with my panties on because I don't want to wash up yet because my tummy might have to suddenly poop.  He said that was just fine, but, "Try to make it out of bed first." 

_________________

Storm's family calls lounge pant or pajama pants, "moo-moo's."  Many of the men in the family get at least one pair from somebody at Christmas or Father's  Day.   Well, I have always loved Storm's round athletic butt, so throughout our marriage, I will pull his moo moo's partially down to expose a little as I am walking by him or if he bends over in front of me.  So one time recently, I pulled them down far on purpose and his dick was flopping around.  He stood up, looked down, and said, "If you're going to show it, you have to blow it!"  

_________________

We were discussing that Storm should get a vasectomy, but during Covid with no vaccines yet, wasn't a good idea.  He said he would have to wear a mask over his face, and one on his penis to protect his dickhole.  I'm not sure that's how one catches it, but neither of us want him to find out.  

__________________

I was expected in the bedroom one evening for a spanking -- imagine that!  I arrived in the bedroom and Storm said, "Why are you frowning?"   (Last time I got in trouble for pouting right beforehand.) 
Me, "I'm getting a spanking, do you think I am going to happily SKIP in here to the side of the bed?"
He just looks at me.  "We're having spanking time, you should be happy."
I just look at him.  "Seriously?  Happy?"
Him, "Well, you're UNhappy when you don't get a spanking.  Doesn't this make you happy?"
Me, "No, the spanking itself does not make me happy!  The after affects of it all makes me happy and then toward the end of a spanking, then we often get sexy."
Him, "Bend over the bed."   He swings and connects.  "Be happy!"
GEEZE

Well, that's it for the challenge.  I did it!  I want to thank you all for coming here to my blog a lot this month to support me, join in the fun, and gather around for the tougher and more intimate kind of reads.  I have never blogged 13 times in any month, not even at the height of my newbie blogging frenzy back in 2018 when I was so jazzed up that I was sleeping about 4 hours a night and writing my brains out.   I'm not a daily blogger and I don't normally put up short posts for some reason, which is probably what this challenge should have looked like.  Perhaps I'll do that next year, but I feel that it is a lot to ask of my fellow bloggers and readers to come here every day and read something long so I tried to combine the letters as creatively as I could.   Thank you for the time you have invested here with me this month and for making this challenge possible for me..... if I don't have readers, I wouldn't write. I need you. I appreciate you all.   Thank you!  Love, Windy 

P.S.  I'd like to say a great big thank you to the blogger, Mrs. Fever, from Temperature's Rising.  She posted and invited everyone to join in the Challenge this year, thus making me aware of it.  Then she visited here every time I had a new entry.  Thank you for the support, Mrs. Fever, and for the fun comments on my blog and yours.  Everybody, please check out her blog sometime soon if you haven't already.  She is an excellent writer and covers many diverse topics, she's smart, compassionate, kinky like us, and funny!  Her link is in my blog roll.  

#AtoZChallenge2021

Your Wooden Spoon

 I really enjoy cooking especially just for Storm and me because if we're having company then I have to do all the house cleaning and that stuff, whereas just everyday life here at home with Storm allows me to cook when I'm feeling well.  Storm is just such a good sport; he's never refused to eat anything unless I announce that it is awful and we're not eating it.  He loves when I experiment which puts me at ease in the kitchen. 

 My favorite part of cooking is the food preparation, especially chopping up various vegetables and herbs and spices.  My next favorite thing is stir frying with my nonstick pan and a wooden spoon.  I am in need of some new silicone cooking utensils and some wooden spoons to go along with my new non-stick pans, so I went looking online and found these...........

To say that I would not be able to concentrate in my kitchen with these things hanging around in plain sight is an understatement.  I'd be burning everything and then patient Storm might not be so understanding and might handily burn my ass with those paddle looking spoons. Then I wondered what you gals/guys would think, which in turn, led me to wondering if we all could have one saying on our own individual wooden spoon, what would yours say? 

I didn't mean to stir the pot?

Things are getting spicy in here?

Feeling saucy?  

If you can't handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.

Spoon me in the kitchen then fork me in the bedroom.

*Warning of icky medical picture below, and no it is not my clit or my tit*.  

My favorite thing is NOT slicing a bagel because this happened and I had to go to the ER....during the height of Covid in my state......... 5 stitches and a tetanus shot.   The adult daughter took out my stitches for me 8 days later so that I wouldn't have to go back into the ER a second time.  No, she is not a nurse, but she is a science gal, so I figured if the rednecks on YouTube could do it, so could she! 

Warning, here it comes:  Scroll down to the comment section if you don't want to look! 

All better!

So what would your wooden spoon say?

#AtoZChallenge2021

XOXO

Is it hugs and kisses or kisses and hugs?  The X could be a hug because it is the crossing of arms, but it also might be the kiss because of how our lips wrinkle up like little stars when we kiss.  The O could be the hug since we wrap our arms around one another, but it might also be how we shape our mouths into tight little round shapes when we kiss.  Which is it? 

I sign my posts and comments "Hugs, Windy," but in real life, I am not much of a hugger.  Of course, I hug my parents, and my daughter,  but the most oxytocin producing hugs are the ones I have with Storm because they last more than 20 seconds.  Close physical touch among friends, lovers, and animals can naturally reduce pain and calm anxiety.  Storm and I  hug many times throughout the day.  In the past, a friend of mine pointed out that we're always touching one another and it's true.  I like to have a connection with Storm whether we're watching television on the couch, riding in the car, or making love, the last of which we did not do in front of the friend, obviously.  Maybe we'd have more friends if we did?  Woo! Woo! 

Kissing releases hormones, too, and one of the health effects is better blood flow.  Therefore, according to one place I was reading, kissing can help cramps.  Laughing.  Good luck to any person trying to relieve his/her partner's cramps by kissing them away.  One might get his/her head bitten off in the process!  The article also said that you could burn 2 to 26 calories per minute depending on how intensely you kiss.  Uhhh.... are the 26'ers riding an exercise bike while they're kissing?  Maybe I would let Storm make out with me after all when I am crabby and bloated with my period if it burns that many calories!  Otherwise, I'll stick with the ibuprofen and the heating pad.

I'm not currently a big kisser.  Storm and I kissed for hours when were dating because as young Evangelicals that is all we were allowed to do. Pfft.  Sometimes in our married life, I do think we skimp on the foreplay and go right for the main goods too quickly, but I am not blaming Storm.  I'm actually more impatient about that than he is.  But when the mood is right, then the kissing is right, which makes it a wonderfully intimate part of our foreplay......... that is some good stuff.  I've noticed this happens more often after some intense spanking/submissive nekkidness.  

So how is it for you?  Do you really enjoy kissing or is it something you kind of skip over?  And do you think the X is a hug or a kiss?  And what about the O?

#AtoZChallenge2021

When...... (Storm and Windy play "He Said, She Said")

One day a long time ago, I was waiting for an appointment in the waiting room and I was feeling a little antsy and impatient, so I whipped out my phone and learned how to use the notes/memo app.   Because blogging is never far from my mind, I thought about what alternate names I could give my blog title to reflect different scenarios that go on in my mind and in our home.  I saved these and forgot about it for about 2 years!  Having recently discovered the list, I asked Storm if he could read it and then respond to each one.  He said, "Yes!"  Yay!   The next day,  we passed the computer back and forth to add a little more fun.  Storm's comments are in orange.  Mine are in blue. 

1. When The Wind Yells at the Storm

That’s when the Storm whispers to the Wind.   *oooh, shivers*  Good one, Babe!  *Storm whispers* Come closer, I'll warm you up.

2. When the Wind feels pressure from her own blog.

She sometimes needs to take a minute to decompress.   A stress spanking might help? *hint* *hint*  *Storm, gathering assorted utensils* Help is on the way!

3. When I want to go fishing but it is too dang cold.

I just Netflix and chill with Storm instead.  Which is why we have blown through all of Netflix and we are watching series in Spanish with English subtitles.  (Although, we haven't watched Bridgerton yet.  I met author Julia Quinn at a RWA conference about 10 to 15 years ago, got her autograph and picture with her and got to tell her that I loved her Bridgerton series!  Now it's on Netflix?!  I heard it's reeeally kind of sexy.)  *... adding to My List*

4. When I think it is Thursday but it's really Sunday

Then when it’s Thursday, it will feel like Monday.   I just laughed at this one.  Maybe life is one big Spirograph and you're the pen.

5. When I have to pee, but I just got warm in bed and I don't want to get up.

I start calculating how long it will take to replace my lost heat when I put my coldest parts on Storm’s warmest parts.  Not the warmest parts.  I'd get in trouble if I tried to put my cold feet on your warm balls.  Maybe not, if we can find a warm spot for them afterward.

6 When you thought you were doing ttwd but you aren't.

Then you’re actually doing ttw(don’t)d.  Bummer.  Definitely.  But each day brings a new opportunity to move in a better direction.

7. When the Storm breaks wind.

It's  usually more than a whisper.  Well at least you go in the other room and let them rip.  Remember that one time you set off the gas detector though?  Freaking hilarious!  It was impressive, if I do say so myself!

8.  When the Wind echoes to the Storm take me fishing ......

The Storm echoes back grab your gear.  And the Wind says make sure you grab your fancy satchel for your books and snacks and try not to fall through the camping chair (again).   Yes, I would rather not peel my balls off my chin again.

9. When Storm whispers back Blow Me

He’s only half-joking.  She's more than half-interested.  Which makes him more than half-aroused.

10. This Wind is never as calm as the eye of the Storm.

But nothing calms this Storm like his Wind.   You have a very steady hand, Honey.  And it helps calm my ass!  A hand on the ass is worth two in the bush.  (That took an unexpected turn.  But at least I didn't say hand in the ass.)

11. You cannot have a Storm without the Wind.

Nor would you want to.   Okay that was just really sweet.  You make me a better Storm, Windy.

#AtoZChallenge2021

Unmentionable Vignettes

I've been blogging a few years now and my perspective on my experience has changed here and there.   Of course, when I was new, I had some misconceptions that got in my way.  I had a couple events that tried to get in my way as well here and there which surprised me.  A couple of gals showed me the ropes, some have traveled the entire path with me, and I have picked up some good friends along the way. 

I don't think any of us ever intend to upset others with what we blog, but it happens nonetheless.  There is power in the written word and mostly I hope we have all used that for the greater good, but we know how one person interprets something she has read does not mean that is the way another person will nor necessarily the way the author intended.  But here are a couple of conundrums I found myself in a time or two:

1.  When you write a post thinking it's really going to resonate.  

Commenters:  We have no idea what the flip you're talking about here.

Me:  Can you just say you were confused without insulting me?  Thx. 

2.  The opposite of #1.  When you write a post, but think it sucks. 

Commenters:  We love this! 

3.  Person 1:  You're such a great writer.

     Person 2 :  You apparently did not have the same 12th grade English teacher that I did. 

     Me:  Here's a twist:  Person 1 and Person 2 was the same person.  Welcome to my blogging experience! I wanted to say that my 12th Grade English teacher didn't teach us how to put a stick up our asses! LOL 

4.   Blogger 1:  You comment too quickly and invite too much conversation on your blog comments.  You should wait 24 hours before you reply. 

Me:   This seemed counter-intuitive to me because while the main purpose of my blog is for me to write, it's usually to write something that will generate some conversation among whomever wants to join in the comment section so we can learn from one another.

     Blogger 2:  You wait too long to answer your comments. 

         Me:  That's because I was worried about what Blogger 1 thought!   I just went with what I was doing early and followed my natural inclination of answering comments after a few come in and then do that throughout the day as others arrive.  

      Blogger 1:  You didn't follow the 24 hour rule. 

     Me:  I don't remember agreeing to it or signing a contract!  What the hell have I gotten myself into here?!  LMAO

5.   Blogger 1:  Don't email too much with people.  Let them get to know you through your blog.  You should blog every few days.

     Me blogging every few days.

    Blogger 1:   You blog too much.  I can't keep up.  

6.   Blogger 1:  We're the best of friends.

       Me as a new blogger reading in blog land, I kept laughing and saying to myself, "There is no way Person A and Person B could even remotely be friends, let alone Group A and Group B........ 

Me 3 years later:  FRAUD!  You personally chased away 5 bloggers THAT I KNOW OF.   LOL! 

7.  The standard "She said, she said."  The what?  You know....... 

"You said she said that--"

"No, I didn't say she said it." 

"Oh, so she didn't say that."

"Well, yeah, she said it, but I didn't say she said it."

Me:  Etc..... So, it's more like    I said she said you said she didn't say, no one said it, but it's true!

8.  Deciding whether or not the person who has emailed you is who she says she is ......... 

Me:  thankfully, it has always been true for me so far.  Not that I wasn't suspicious especially at first, me being a  scaredy cat 'n all regarding the big bad interwebs!  

    Example A:  I truly thought that all bloggers and readers were anonymous and that even emailing they would stick with their blog names forever.  I quickly learned otherwise!  

Anyway some of this stuff occurred because I was new, afraid, intimidated, and naive.  Much of this kind of thing happens in "real life," too.  Wherever there are women, there will be great friendships.  And wherever there are women there will be clashes of personalities and ideas.  May we all be gentle with one another. :)    

#AtoZChallenge2021

Reminiscent of Sunday Times 1979

1979 - Windy, age 10. On families that attend church.

I never met an early Sunday morning that I didn’t dread. The entire family was always acting cranky to one another with all the rushing around the house and getting all dressed up for God as if He doesn’t already know what we all look like in our birthday suits. My mother was busy selecting 4 sets of clothes, including my father's. He'd dress himself, but then she'd tell him he did it wrong - right down to a mismatched belt and shoes. I found this humorous. Then she had to iron several items and prep dinner for Sunday afternoon. Whether it was a roast in the crock pot or one in the pressure cooker was directly related to the amount of time my mom was working with that morning. I found the latter fascinating and I enjoyed listening to its rhythm ...something very specific about the sound of its fast hiss, hiss, hiss as it fired its steam up into the kitchen air with scents of promises of what was to come this afternoon.

My mother would interrupt her own getting ready for church, come down into the kitchen and  announce to me, “Let me do something with that hair,” as if it was greasy or flying all over the place. I was even less thrilled at the prospect of being on the receiving end of getting prepped for Sunday School hair. But, my mom was a fan of curls and not strings, so I stood in front of the kitchen stove and waited for my beauty work.

I don’t know what happened to the curler set where 3 different sized rollers securely sat on slightly larger or smaller heated metal poles, and then the whole thing closed nicely in some sort of plastic case while everything heated up.  That was long gone, but somehow the spiky curlers remained. Those suckers were boiled in hot water against their will and the manufacturer's warranty, and then rolled into my hair against mine.  My mother jammed each one up against my face and the back of my neck  and snapped them securely. I would move my head around as they were cooling and it would look, feel, and sound like I had a half dozen hard boiled eggs all trapped in my hair.  When they were cooled off enough, I was allowed to remove them myself and then my mom would comb it just right. I didn't need to look in the mirror to know that I looked like a blonde mushroom, but at least my mother no longer thought I resembled a Muppet.

Meanwhile, my dad was always on the verge of being mad that we were going to be late for Sunday School, but he had only himself to get ready and his black shoes to shine. I can still smell the tangy sharpness of the shoe polish and see him propping his feet up one at a time on his wooden shoe shining kit.  A white rag turned grey with black smudges would shuffle smoothly and quickly back and forth when he shined the tops. Once he decided he looked spiffy, he was usually the first one to be ready and he would threaten to walk to church, which wasn’t a big deal when we lived less than a mile away. He followed through on this often.  Sometimes my sister and I were ready early and we'd walk with him. But, when we moved 12 miles away, his threat became ridiculous and especially so the few times that he actually did start walking.  By this point, my mom was madder than a wet hen because she had too much to do to get everybody ready and she didn’t need his rooster beak pecking at her neck.  So off my father would go and I didn’t know if we’d ever see him again or not, but I anxiously kept a close eye out of the car windows for him as my little teary eyes fought the blur to discover him on the sides of the roads, parking lots, fast food places, and various business as we drove on by. I'd look out the front windows, the sides windows and the rear windows just in case we missed him. I remember frantically asking, "Are we going to pick up Dad? Are we going to find him?" I learned that my mother wasn't necessarily looking.

I remember her stopping the car along the way to pick my father up beside the highway. I also recall  her blowing right by him at 45 miles an hour and not picking him up at all. Even as a ten-year-old, I knew this was counter-intuitive. We were going to worship God and learn how to apply the bible to our lives, but my mom and dad are fighting or ignoring one another on the way there? God really does miracles because my dad somehow showed up at church anyhow. I realized our neighbors spotted him on their way to the same church and must have picked him up. What in the world kind of explanation did my father give to them as to why he was walking to church from so far away? He would have missed the entire services by the time he showed up however many hours later with blisters on his heals from his thin nylon dress socks and shoes had they not picked him up in their car. Then we all had to stand next to one another in the pews like one big happy family that had dysfunctionally survived the morning and arrived to sit and stand and sing happy songs at the top of our lungs together.  I would peer up my father who always sang this way no matter what.  Then I would steal a glance at my mother who was still very perturbed, but trying to hide it and herself behind her ruffled feathers. I didn't yet know about statistics, but I knew there was a good chance that at some point in the service we would all be asked to join hands.  This wasn’t a problem if I was sitting in between my folks because I was their safe connection.  Otherwise, I worried that they wouldn’t join hands and they would get a divorce. This made the communion cracker sit dryly in my throat. One swipe of the tongue's worth of grape juice in those tiny glasses wasn't going to wash down anything other than one sin at a time.

Then there was the whole “Did you read your Bible today?” thing that happened on any day of the week other than Sundays because, of course, that was taken care of when we were at church. “Are you reading your bible every day?” mostly by my father.  Or when my mother thought I was acting up, “Have you been reading your Bible?  I notice a difference in you.” That wasn’t meant in a positive light.  Really?  I was like 11.  I wanted to ask her plenty of times if she read hers and if so I wanted to know which verses to cross out  because they apparently weren’t working because I thought she was quite irritable a time or ten.  However, I obviously valued my hair even in naivete that it was curled to resemble the head of a man's penis, and I didn't want it yanked out or my mouth slapped, so I didn’t say such a thing.  Guiltily, but not sure exactly why, just being born into sin, I guessed, I would trudge up the orange carpeted stairs to my Holly Hobby bedroom and locate the shortest Psalm in the bible I could find. I might as well see what old David was up to, which was mostly singing and dancing, killing a giant, playing the harp, watching a naked lady bathe, and having her husband killed in battle so he could marry her himself.  How he was considered “A man after God’s own heart,” while I never stole a cookie let alone anyone’s husband or wife, but was still a sinner, I had no idea.  I was, however, grateful that I was born after the New Testament times and not during the Old Testament times or as comedian Kathleen Madigan calls it, “The Bad Bible.” 

Speaking of the Old Testament being the scarier part of the bible because God was often so angry, I did not like the story of Lot’s wife.  I never viewed a salt shaker the same way again and I am afraid to buy salt in bulk, not that I need to, but I don’t want a pillar of any kind in my house.  God turned the woman into salt!  Why salt?  Why not just strike her dead?   Were their children with them?  Bet they never salted a dog gone thing in their lives again after that either.  I am sure their blood pressure was high as adults, but I guarantee you it was from seeing their mother turn into a pillar of salt and not from eating salt themselves ever again. 

My father would be considered a man that knows how to pray, but he would never say or think that about himself.  But, he had this certain boldness about him that puzzled me.  We’d just be sitting around doing whatever and he’d get up from his chair and say, “Praise the Living God!”  As a child, this is just startling and confusing.  I’m just sitting here eating my HoneyComb cereal,  we already prayed for our meal, what is he talking about and why?  We learned that the bible says even the rocks will cry out and worship God if we didn’t or something like that. I never looked at a nice sized rock the same way again and I often wondered if one was going to start talking to me and what kind of voice it would have? A man's? A woman's? The devil's? Kermit the frog's? Was I going to walk by a big boulder one day and have it shout at me, “Praise the Lord!” all of a sudden and then roll over on me if I didn’t join in?  No wonder why I was near paranoid and afraid of things that non-church-going children probably weren't.

My father would go door to door witnessing and often took me or my sister with him.  I didn’t like it.  I didn’t trust the dogs.  I certainly didn’t trust the people opening their doors.  If an older lady answered the door with a lit cigarette, I knew she was going to invite us in.  I was allergic to her dog and her smoke. First, I'd try not to look at the spot common to all elderly lifetime smokers -- that dried out wrinkled space above her lips but below her nose. I’d watch that cigarette teeter around between her lips, travel east and west as she still somehow managed to talk while smoking it, hands free, smoke rising right back up into her eyes as she squinted to keep it out. The better the person was at mouth mashing that cigarette, the more I knew she needed Jesus in her heart to help her stop that smoking.  

In Sunday School, we were taught how the bible characters lived, mostly right like Moses with his dusty walking in the desert sandals trying to tell God's people what to do, but they wouldn't listen and roamed around for 40 years because of it. Then there were tortured souls like King Saul, sacrificial fellas like Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego in the fiery furnace where a figure with God’s image  appeared just in time to lower the heat several hundred degrees. 

Speaking of hot ovens, regardless of what happened before church or during church service, the absolute best part of Sunday for me was not long off. My father never threatened to walk back home, somehow God fixed everything between us all, so we road mostly in peace and we were hungry. I will forever remember my parents parking our car in our driveway and as my sister and I walked around the sidewalk toward our front door, we could smell the roast from 15 feet away! Returning home to the smell of rump roast was heavenly! At last, the morning was over and hello Sunday afternoon! Now, please pass the mashed potatoes, but hold the salt.

What were/are Sundays like at your house?

#AtoZChallenge2021

   

The Quandary of Illness and How It Changed Me

The following is an email that I wrote to a friend who I knew wasn't making time for me in 2019.  I am sharing this because this is my heart.  It is slightly edited for privacy and clarification. 

Many times during our first year of getting to know each other, you have expressed the point to me that travel changes you.  I believed you the first time you said it to me, but through the sharing of your travel stories, I have come to see that all those experiences have really shaped who you are and that's an amazing thing.   But, just as travel can change a person, so does illness.  And so, for the past 25 years, that is what a lot of what my life has been shaped around.  The sky is not the limit with me, physically.   I have had to learn to live within major limits.  And any time that I put myself out there with any kind of new relationship whether personal, religious, or educational, I eventually run into some sort of difficulty.  I have to take many different sorts and lengths of breaks until I recover enough to pick my life back up again. 

Many people don't know what to do with their friends that face physical and or mental struggles and most drop off like flies.  (As would the recipient of this email 1 year later, ironically. ) At first, they try, but when things don't get better, they become distant.   The second I started picking up on that, I shut them out.  I had the heart to carry a friendship, but I didn't have the strength to be the one to make the plans, drive, etc., like I would normally do.  So I just withdrew from almost everyone for a very long time and they let me. The one exception to this is my immediate family.  

So many of my days are not about, "Oh, I have a calendar full of things that I need and want to do......." but rather, "If I take it easy this week, then maybe on Saturday, I can do this, or if I sleep well for a couple nights in a row, then maybe I can go fishing with my dad."  And then when things would get a bit better, I'd think about returning to college,  just taking one class at a time to try to finish my nearly completed degree.  With a  little more strength and a little less fear, but the same illness, I did earn my B.S. and taught a combination of 5 different preps every day....... pre-algebra, algebra, geometry, trigonometry, economics, computer programming, and calculus.  And then I coached and ran summer sports camps........   and I did it all sick.  Eventually, it all caught up to me and I would have major relapses with my equilibrium disorder, the worst of it being vertigo......... and that signals the end of driving for a while so then end of all of the above once again.  Stop and start ad nauseam.   

At the very beginning of all of this, I became a reader and that is what got me through most days -- Temporary mental escape from persistent physical problems.  And then I was doing so much reading that for the first time in my life, I wondered if I could try writing.  I did both of those things and little else when my illness was the most challenging.  At that time, I was writing fiction, not writing reflective pieces on my life like I do now. (That was also before we started dabbling much into D/s.  After about five years of this, I wrote to no one, for no one, and not even myself after that  for almost 20 years ...... and picked it back up again when I found blog land in 2018.)

I discovered that writing is a lifeline and it's one of my love languages that I share in various forms with just a few treasured people.  It means a lot to me and it is why I do not want to waste my time with how's the weather type emails and conversations with anyone.  Those kind of words and relationships are shallow and I do not do shallow very well.  (It takes a lot out of me to "do deep" so I make sure I have only a few of those going relationships going on at one time as well.)  

While I have the actual time to do many things in my day, I most often cannot.  So, I try to get some sleep via a nap if I didn't get any the night before.  I do the basics of housekeeping when I can....I definitely cook when I a feeling well enough because I enjoy that for the most part.  I read things that are meaningful and worthy of my attention.   I do physical exercise when my body allows it, which isn't all that often, but I'm working on it.  So often, my day literally consists of who is important to me in my life and  what can I do to enrich that relationship instead of being about all the things that I should be doing around the house ........... with you, it often means I write and I share my most protected thoughts, ideas, and silly sense of humor.   And despite our major differences in experience and background and even education and geography, I feel drawn to you as a treasured friend.  

And so for you, for now, you don't write.  You go live.  Go travel, visit, experience the physical beauty of our world and its people when many of those in our country are so ugly.  You go do.  You be you.  And I will be here waiting for you to share all that you want upon your return.  And when you read, you share that with me, too,  so in that special way where words unite us, I can join in and be a part of your world.  You seem to wonder sometimes why things mean so much to me, why I am interested in your books and what  is cooking for dinner.  It's because my participating in those things makes me feel like you are a part of my day.  (No, I don't regret the time I put into this relationship because it's who I am when I truly care, and I'm fine with that and the fact that it ceased to be a while ago.) 

I did not address where D/s and DD entered my relationship with Storm in this letter to my friend.  But, my chronic illnesses obviously has made it nearly impossible to keep it going consistently for any extended periods of time.  However, we keep trying because it is important to both of us.  Lots of stops and starts.  Lots of hurt feelings  as to why we didn't use the time that I am feeling well to do our ttwd thing because I know it's not going to be too long where I am illness free ....... that is something we're struggling with the past couple of months as I have been again having chronic health issues.  I'm exhausted.  It's challenging to even write something interesting and has taken a lot for me to do so.  I understand that others may think blogging is easy or that it isn't that big of a deal so why worry about it, but those are not things that I feel.  The writing that I share with others is always important to me. 

Willie mentioned illness in a recent post and it gave me the idea to share the letter above, along with some edits, like I said.    From Willie's post --   Her:   On the flipside, my neediness when being ill can actually bring me closer to my core. I think it is more due to sheer exhaustion and not having the real ability to keep up walls during those times.

I responded in the comment section to her like this: 

Due to experience, illness absolutely pulls me closer to submission (core?) and I am very clingy to Storm. It's weird because I am anxious about the illness, but I am just softer toward him during these times. I agree that our walls come down or in the very least we cannot build new ones due to exhaustion and just flat out need for our best human to be right there for us. And they are. And we want to be in their arms, yes. I'm commenting on this illness issue because I've never read anybody say it the way that you did and be accurate about how it feels. Interesting.

And then she answered like this:

Thank you. I've mentioned this before, probably on Missy's blog. Though it isn't always because B is taking care of me (lol) that I feel it. I usually feel it long before he knows I am sick. An argument could be made that I know he's going to take care of me I suppose. I think for me personally it lies more in the no defenses left to maintain some imaginary force field I have up that I don't even realize I do at times. Is it Star Trek where they constantly check the health of their shield? Of course in that case it is a good thing.

Gosh darn those walls we put up in our marriages. We think we're protecting ourselves, but I don't think we necessary are. Interesting to see what dynamics occur when the walls come down as we have no choice when it comes to such things as illness ...... my walls with Storm come down and my walls with almost everyone else go up.  The latter didn't use to happen, but illness changed me in more ways than one.  I mostly stay to myself except for writing here.  Sometimes, I decide to take a risk with a friend...... sometimes it works out and others it does not.  And that's okay.  I am fine. 

#AtoZChallenge2021

No, On Peace

From the movie, Miss Congeniality, Sandra Bullock's answer the first time around when the judge asks what she wants, she pretends to be emotional and says, "World peace."  By the end of the movie, she admits with true emotion that she really does want world peace.   

I have just recently figured out my latest defense mechanism that I have been using for a few years.  I realized that I don't want to be the person who has to step in and make peace after a big fight has happened.  Instead, I find myself going through the greatest efforts to prevent the confrontation in the first place.  So instead of playing the peacemaker, I am more of a  peacekeeper.  I'm finding this to be a difficult job!  And, I am currently thinking I don't want to be either one because neither works!  

This is how that is working in our ttwd marriage:   He can handle hearing why I am upset with him.  Am I always calm and nice and patient when I tell him? No.  He is the one exception where I don't feel the need to tip toe and find the exact, least offensive, politically correct, religiously correct way to express why I am upset with him. (Yes, I have many people in my life with whom I absolutely have to do that......unfortunately, it's mostly family.)  One area that I do work on hard with Storm though is the peacekeeper one.  Storm is already a calm, steady guy, thank God, and he is a peaceful man.  But our communication breakdowns are not (on my end.)  There have been a handful of critical situations we found ourselves in through no fault of our own doing or at least things we didn't do purposely in error.  As a result I took the attitude at this particular time to do everything within my power to be on the same page with him......... and it is near devastating for me when it all falls apart anyway or he does the exact opposite of what we agreed upon.  I.lose.my.freaking.mind.  Why do I have such a strong negative reaction? I hate it. 

Because I put the prep work in already to AVOID even the slight appearance of a hiccup.  Double check. Triple check.  Use my words like "I hear you saying......" and repeat what I think he said.  And vice versa.  And then it still all goes down the toilet somehow anyway.  He did whatever he said he wasn't going to do or he didn't do whatever it was he agreed to do with me. Or you both completed a task that you had agreed which one was going to do it.  Why is that problem?  Maybe it's not.  I mean who cares if the dishwasher gets run twice?  Nobody in this house, but who cares if we both wrote a check to the pay the mortgage and mailed it?!!!   EVERYBODY! 

I'm not talking about agreeing on who does the dishes, the laundry, brings in the garbage can type stuff.  I'm talking about things that would include major parenting decisions no matter how young or old our kiddos are.  Love them, but go play or go to work , school, or get married or something.  Jesus, deliver me. 

I recall that back in the day when all the bills were coming in paper form in the mail, we had to remember to order new checks, and pay the bills on time and decide which one of us unlucky souls was  going to be in charge of all that?  You know those days where you'd do it for 3 months then throw the job back at him because you were tired of worrying about money?  Then after him screwing up the checkbook and paying bills late, you yank the job right back again.  Repeat until it's all mostly online these days and Storm is a programmer, so.......  woo hoo!  Not my job anymore!

Specifically during this worldwide pandemic, we have had to maximize our potential for the least amount of exposure to The Crud as possible due to comorbidity that exists in our home.  Because I am the primary grocery shopper, I wanted to somehow maintain this role while staying home.  I discovered a reasonably priced local shopping and delivery service and we have been very blessed with how it has all worked out and kept us safe (and hopefully it kept somebody employed and tipped well during these difficult financial times.) Like many other people, I also did all of my Christmas shopping online last year.  Since I am the online gal regarding those kind of things, I take great care to do everything I can to get FREE SHIPPING, dog gone it! This is not as easy as it sounds and every place doesn't have every thing for delivery....sometimes it is only for pickup, so I might think I found a great price, load up the cart only to discover something is out of stock and it puts me under the total minimum required to earn free shipping.  So I decide how to rearrange the items in my carts in each tab that I have open for say, 3 different stores at one time.  I ask everybody in the house what items they need within the next few days, next week, and stock up for next month.  And I almost always manage to get free shipping.  Then Storm decides to Christmas shop at the last minute or the kid needs tampons IMMEDIATELY, MOM, although it happens every month like it does every month (Thank God!), why are we surprised? ....and guess what that most likely means?  They're paying for shipping!   All my hard work to budget goes down the tube just like that.  

While those are all examples, the root of why I lose my mind is most likely because of how I grew up...... parents fighting and I was the peacemaker.  Ugh.  Then days and days of uncomfortable silence between the adults at home and awkwardness for all of us at church sitting as a supposedly happy family.  I have vivid memories of this since the age of 5.  I can still walk into their house and after months of not seeing them, it's good because we love one another, but I also automatically put my guard up.  I can physically feel through muscle memory the emotional toll it took on us all.   Yes, it was so many years ago, but the longer I am in this life, the more I believe that we are who we have been since our personalities and impressions formed when we were little kids.  Yes, we can educate ourselves, get therapy, reprocess, and work on forgiving, but none of that changes the heart of who I am and the peace that I seek.  It's extremely important to me.  But, when life is challenging as it often is for many of us, it's harder to find and keep that peace with our partners, families, friends and acquaintances.

I had exactly 2 specific very close relationships in the past (as in not recent, in case anyone is wondering) where I let the other person be right, didn't get involved in discussions in which I knew our viewpoints might not be in alignment, didn't get offended when I was told pretty much what my opinion should be or how I should be doing things including how Storm and I run our marriage and parenting our kiddo.  I am so over that noise and although I don't plan on ever steamrolling over someone because their opinion differs from mine, it will be the dang day again when I let anyone else ever treat me the way those specific people did.  My personal peace is now a priority. And might I overreact to protect that?  Ummm, have you met me?  Laughing.  

I am a hundred percent sure that one of the reasons why I wanted to be with Storm for a lifetime even though we were very young when we admitted our feelings to one another was because I felt such peace radiating off of him.  I didn't care if there was some well meaning, but misinformed adults who shared with me, "that there were other fish in the sea."  Yeah, well I'm not interested in carp, so.  He is my emotional and physical place of safety.  And, yes, he is as steady as a rock and just about immovable and that does occasionally (or often) make me want to light a firecracker under his butt, but if I do, he'll start  a fire on my ass!  We always want the tranquil, satiated, content, and peaceful feelings to remain prominent in our relationship.  Passion is nice, too, but not the kind caused by turmoil or conflict. I don't want to fight just to make up. 

Just the other day I was thinking of a time period where we were struggling with some big things and I was feeling badly as I reflected on how poorly I handled some of that.  Yeesh. We were standing in the kitchen hugging one another when I mentioned it.  As one who does not focus on the negative especially from the past, Storm's response did not surprise me, "We don't want to remember that. I'm sorry, too.  Let's think about the good things.  We're good now."  I don't know why I look behind us sometimes and let myself feel badly over regrets.  I think it might be that I love him so much and when life takes a break from stressing me the heck out, I kind of slip into mindfulness and I am so glad to be in his life and in his arms that I just want to absorb him through my skin.  

Just as I thought I was done with this post and put some of this stuff behind us........ bam!   Major fight about one of the very things I already mentioned above, but not in detail.  Unbelievable.  And we can't really use ttwd to get through it because I have been chronically sick again.  Although we'd have to reverse roles and let me spank him in this case because it was his fault, not mine.  Why should I get spanked when he's wrong?  It's my reaction to it all that gets me in trouble though, if I take a closer look, and the not wanting to sleep in his bed type stuff.  Laughing.  Dang, just when I thought we were there.  Back to work at that flipping c-word, communication.  

As you can see, there was a big fat NO, on the peace for us when this happened the other day.  Thankfully, I calmed down sooner than I usually would have.  As I was sitting on the couch that I was quite prepared to sleep on, and he was sitting next to me telling me I needed to come to bed with him, I had a choice to make.  I thought back to when Storm the Dom made a featured appearance last month or so ago and made me sit in the corner and write lines for the first time ever about not sleeping in his bed and how that is was damaging to our relationship for me to do that.  I didn't want to write that shit again.  Or be paddled for it.  Not sexy stuff.  Later, thinking about it all, it is hot, yes, but not during.  But, mostly I thought I cannot sabotage the progress that we have made, specifically his progress on taking charge.   So, yes, I went to bed with him out of respect for our ttwd.  

Overall in my life, I think it's too stressful for me to try to be a peacekeeper because when that fails and it will, then I have to be a peacemaker anyway and it makes it all doubly worse somehow.  Maybe it doesn't do that to other people, but I honestly just don't deal with it well. 

So where are you at with peace in your life?  Are you a peacemaker or peacekeeper?  Or is everybody worldwide just trying to hang on for dear life right now?  Or finish this A to Z Challenge?  ;) 

#AtoZChalllenge2021