Ever wish you were a fly on the wall ? I don't mean in a creepy voyeuristic way, but if that is your thing, then good for you -- wait! Only if you have permission. No peaking through windows and showing signs of future serial killer stuff.
Some blogs out in sex land will give you a visual of whatever it is you're looking for. Others use words and describe everything that is dripping and why. So I'm not saying that fellow bloggers don't share because they do. But, there is a difference between sharing all or nothing. Not that either is wrong, but I don't find either kind particularly helpful to Storm and I figuring out This That We Do. In the spirit of sharing what is going on over here and in the hopes that our struggles and triumphs might help you and that you might have some of your own experiences and ideas that might help us, you are now on a fly on our wall, but not the one from Mike Pence's head.
I walk into our bedroom to flirt with my husband. I lift up my shirt and my breasts fill (okay flop into) his hands. I am just looking for affirmation of things we have established around here in the past several weeks because it still feels new. I say, "This is our daily ritual," because that was what he decided it would be.
Squeezing me gently, he responds, "This is our daily vegetable?" I just look at him, cock my head, realize the fan is on in our room and it's loud, so he didn't hear me properly. We look one another straight in the eyes as that's part of it, and I wait for him to get his D/s brain in gear as he is holding my titties. Understanding dawns. He corrects himself, "Oh, ritual."
Me, "Yeah, you're holding my daily vegetables.' He gives me a look. I look down at the spillage and I continue, "Although I think they are fruit, specifically avocados." Okay, no more misnaming.
Him, "I like your titties, yes." None of this was my point. I was just reaffirming what one of our new things is and flirting with him about it, but my idea was going to be that maybe we could add another ritual. I wanted his opinion and for him to think about it. So I turned around, bent over and showed him. He smacked my ass immediately.
Me, "I didn't mean slapping." Him, "Oh." And slaps again. Me, "I just said ----" Him, "Can't help it. I just want to smack it when I see it." Later it dawns on me to ask him because of that and other things he has said to me in kinky moments, "Hey, I know I am the spanko, but are you turning into one?" He stops to think about it and said, "I think I am further along the spanko spectrum than I used to be. My mindset is more along those lines than it used to be." Well, that is a good thing, I guess. It's healthy for our budding power exchange relationship.
In Kacie Cunningham's book Conquer Me, she asks, "What are the essential elements without which my power exchange relationship would not work?" And then, she proceeds to name and explain things like love, understanding, respect, and other things that Storm and I have had for a lifetime as do many of you. Naturally that all takes work, attention, and effort for everybody. But she also includes more practical, identifiable things like establishing rituals, which is absolutely what we are currently focusing on. This has been very interesting "literature" for Storm and I to use as a resource. (What kind of snob uses that word? Laughing!) After all, we're not born with knowing a bunch of details about submission and dominance so some guidance, feedback, talking with like-minded folks, etc. seems like a smart thing for us to do as we work on our TTWD. I have been yearning for some actual tangible information that we can grab a hold of and put it into practice. I read it and highlighted important parts which is like 1/4 of some entire chapters. Then Storm uses the Kindle application to read the highlights, go back to the context if necessary, and reads the notes that I have written specifically from me to him. Then we discussed it several nights in the past 2 weeks.
One of the most meaningful ideas from this book is Kacie's term, "Active Dominance," which she explains is another one of her essential elements to making their power exchange work. "I think the best way to define it is to say that I need him to be as active at maintaining our relationship as I am. To sit back and expect me to submit while he passively accepts it without dominating would not work for me. I cannot submit in a vacuum. So it is absolutely necessary that he participate as much in our relationship (every aspect of it) as I do."
Anybody else want to just scream YESSSSSSSS! THIS!? My note explains to Storm, "I absolute love the term 'active dominance' instead of just plain old dominance. It says exactly what you will be doing to meet my submissive needs -- you're actively working on some aspect of our ttwd, D/s relationship like I am to meet your dominant needs. Examples are reading a book, listening to podcasts, watching videos, thinking of new rules adjustments, hugging me and grabbing my neck throughout the day, taking me in the closet for whatever when my current health situation is good....... talking with me most nights about what you're reading and learning and participating in whatever writing stuff I am working on regarding our relationship. I like that we talk in bed at night."
When I asked Storm what active dominance means to him, he said, "Basically, it's me taking actions, whether it is me reading up on a topic, in general educating myself, thinking and planning about how to handle situations that come up, being more active in my mind and more active toward you during the day. Yesterday you were upset about a lot of things and feeling anxious, (and I went to lay on the bed face down and pout) I grabbed a hold of your shoulders and said, "I hear what you're saying, Now it's time to calm down." -- "And then today when we had a miscommunication and you were irritated, I came over to you in the kitchen, grabbed you again by the shoulders and said, "Let's move forward from here on and forget about what happened already and just start from here.'"
My husband pointed out to me tonight, "I was impressed yesterday and today with how you responded to me both times. It isn't easy to just all of a sudden change your mood or your emotions. But, I noticed." And I told him in return, "I knew both times you were trying to be dominant and giving it a shot at calming me down. I stopped being upset because you took the time and made the effort to tell me to stop. I was very aware this was the first time you were really, truly trying to be actively dominate to help me calm down and I knew that I needed to respond positively if I want you to keep doing it."
As Kacie points out in her book, "Dominance is a verb." (And, yes, so is submission, but we knew that.)
And later, Storm tells me regarding our kinky activity in the closet yesterday that as a result, "My fucking muscles are sore," as he grabs each side of his abdomen with his hands pointing to his muscles he uses for thrusting. "That's an adjective." I chuckled at his words and knew that was going in this post.
What does the term "active dominance" mean to you whether it is part of your lifestyle or something you might want your partner or you to do someday? Do you have a ritual that you would like to share from personal experience or from things you have read, thought about, or dreamed of?