Initiation -- Stress Relief Spanking

One thing that I still struggle with is asking for a spanking.  I've done it, not often, but it just doesn't settle right with me because I have this mental blockage that says the husband is supposed to be in total charge of knowing when, where, and how and it's my job to accept that.  But, hang on.   I don't think that is very realistic or even fair to him.

When I initially found blogs several  years ago, I did so by typing in "stress relief spanking" and I got a hit on Bonnie's blog.   I think I recognized her blog from previous look ups, but I just thought it was a website for spanking.  It totally went over my head that she had links to women and men who wrote about it.  I wasn't interesting in the pictures or videos from other sites. I wanted to read about women who wanted to get spanked and why, but for the most part, I couldn't find it.  Until I landed on her blog, like I said.  From there, I found domestic discipline and ttwd blogs that I never knew even existed.

What's interesting is that I still don't know much about stress relief spankings even though that was my primary reason for the internet search.  Storm and I don't have that as a normal part of our routine, but I have noticed many times that halfway through a spanking, I start to really settle in -- my body becomes heavier and sinks down into the bed that I am bent over.  Natural deep breaths happen of their own accord.  I do relax and calm down as my breathing changes........ and not long after that is when I get turned on sexually.  

Devlin O'Neil says in his book, Spank Her! A top's view on this thing we do:   "Girls find spanking therapeutic – hurt that drives out other hurt, pain that displaces worse pain, the psychological pain, of guilt, anxiety, fear, depression."

Well, hmmm.  As a person who has suffered a long time with an anxiety disorder, why have I not worked it out with Storm that I need a stress relief spanking?   I guess because part of the whole spanking thing being a turn on for me is him initiating it.  It is just not the same when I ask for it.  I feel dumb.   I feel embarrassed.   And, no I don't feel either of those things when he initiates.  However, a stress relief spanking would serve a  different purpose and not really be as focused on the whole power dynamic going on, necessarily.  Yes? No?  

How can we make this happen?   Bonnie shared here on her blog when I asked her:  For me, a stress relief spanking is a wonderful, rejuvenating experience. It's sort of like a deep tissue massage that focuses upon just two spots. I am positioned OTK. The pace is slow, but steady. Sometimes, there are candles, scented oil, and/or chill music. The intensity starts relatively low and builds. He typically uses an implement, but not anything ferocious. He stops periodically to caress my bottom, legs, hips, and lower back. When he begins spanking again, it follows the same pattern with a gradual build-up. When it's done, I am sore to be sure. After all, this is a real spanking. But I am incredibly relaxed and happy. This routine does wonders for my psyche. I can't find exactly where she said this on her blog, but I do have her permission to use this and here is a link to some places on her blog where she writes specifically about stress relief spanking.  Thank you, Bonnie! 

Well this sounds quite therapeutic.  I wrote to Storm in an email, that for me, perhaps it would be physical pain driving out mental, emotional pain, anxiety, and fear.  This is an area that I want to explore between us. Interestingly, he said he's been thinking about this very thing to help me with my anxiety and worry because it's never good, he has noticed that it has been particularly high recently. 

So what do you guys and gals think?  I decided to post this before Storm and I have hammered out the details so that we could get your input, but also I thought it would be nice to have more of a discussion  among all of us instead of a post wrapped up neatly in a bow, because you know, that is how ttwd works, smooth and never any problems.  Ha! 

Who is really in control?

Apparently, it is possible for a female octopus to strangle the male while mating, especially if she is a bit larger than he, having a bigger body and longer tentacles.  Octopus couples touch each other with their arms when they are being aggressive or mating or both. (Sounds like they could use some genuine affection and a little bit of  DD in their relationship.)  In one particular case, after an impressive 15 minutes of mating, the female reached out her arm around the base of the male's mantle which prevented his gills from taking in water and thus he died from lack of oxygen.  Then she dragged his ass back to her cave and ate him for dinner.  Source:  (Female Octopus Strangles Mate, Then Eats Him)

While recently reading different books or blogs about human sexuality, I've run into the idea a couple of times that say the female is in control when she is giving her guy oral sex, but I find myself thinking the exact opposite.  Although one time when I got a hold of Storm's penis late at night and then he took advantage of my forwardness, when I teased him the next day about having late night oral sex, he said, "Not my fault. Someone grabbed me by the horn."  Guilty as charged, but I didn't strangle him. 

I also view every time Storm and I have sex that I am the submissive one because I am spreading my legs, no matter what position I'm in, although I don't remember the last time I was on top as I don't like it that way.  I suppose if he told me to get on top and then gave me some kinky instructions, I could get into that, but I would still need him to be in control.  I would make one submissive octopus if I had eight legs to spread! 

In his book Spank Her!,  author Devlin, O'Neil says, "Sex is often thought of as the ultimate submission, but I do not think this is true, since both parties submit to it. And in this thing we do, I have noticed that the girl often regains a measure of overt control by kneeling and taking charge of certain portions of her Top’s anatomy. That might look submissive to an outside observer, but I am here to tell you that the guy is not especially in charge of anything at this juncture."

I asked Storm to read the paragraph above and then answer the question, "Do you feel that when I am giving you a blow job on my knees that I am in control or is this proof of my submission? What about regular intercourse?"

Storm answers, "Intercourse is not both of us submitting.  It's you gettin' fucked."  Well, hello!  Okay, then. Laughing.  He tells me later he wants to clarify.  "It's not that I see sex as you just laying there getting fucked by me.  It's  that I am penetrating you.  Even if you were on top, I would still see it as me penetrating you. I also don't see a blow job as you being in control.  It's you making me feel good.  It's you servicing me, a form of submission."  I am not surprised by any of his viewpoints.  I ask him, "How did you see it when we were first married and having vanilla sex?"  He says, "You were   physically submitting to me then, too."

I ask, "How do you see it when you give me oral sex?"  He replies, "I see it as me pleasuring you -- making you feel good." Personally, I don't see it as a submissive act on my part (or his), which is probably why I am not a huge fan of it.  I do receive pleasure from it, but because it doesn't make me feel submissive, at this time in our DD,D/s, I am not particularly interested in it.  I would, however, agree to Storm performing oral sex on me if he wants to.  He said he'd do it more if his tongue was longer.  Ha!  We enjoyed that quite often when we were younger...... not so much in my submissive days.  

So how do you feel? Who is in charge when a woman gives a man a blow job? And does your opinion change if it's in a DD&D/s relationship where the husband is the Head of Household? 

Rituals and Active Dominance

 Ever wish you were a fly on the wall ?  I don't mean in a creepy voyeuristic way, but if that is your thing, then good for you  -- wait!  Only if you have permission.  No peaking through windows and showing signs of future serial killer stuff.  

Some blogs out in sex land will give you a visual of whatever it is you're looking for.  Others use words and describe everything that is dripping and why. So I'm not saying that fellow bloggers don't share because they do.  But, there is a difference between sharing all or nothing.  Not that either is wrong, but I don't find either kind particularly helpful to Storm and I figuring out This That We Do.  In the spirit of sharing what is going on over here and in the hopes that our struggles and triumphs might help you and that you might have some of your own experiences and ideas that might help us, you are now on a fly on our wall, but not the one from Mike Pence's head.  

I walk into our bedroom to flirt with my husband.  I lift up my shirt and my breasts fill (okay flop into) his hands.  I am just looking for affirmation of things we have established around here in the past several weeks because it still feels new.  I say, "This is our daily ritual," because that was what he decided it would be. 

Squeezing me gently, he responds, "This is our daily vegetable?"  I just look at him, cock my head, realize the fan is on in our room and it's loud, so he didn't hear me properly.  We look one another straight in the eyes as that's part of it, and I wait for him to get his D/s brain in gear as he is holding my titties.  Understanding dawns. He corrects himself, "Oh, ritual."  

 Me, "Yeah, you're holding my daily vegetables.'  He gives me a look.  I look down at the spillage and I continue,  "Although I think they are fruit, specifically avocados."  Okay, no more misnaming.

 Him, "I like your titties, yes."   None of this was my point. I was just reaffirming what one of our new things is and flirting with him about it, but my idea was going to be that maybe we could add another ritual.  I wanted his opinion and for him to think about it. So I turned around, bent over and showed him.  He smacked my ass immediately. 

Me, "I didn't mean slapping."  Him, "Oh."  And slaps again.  Me, "I just said ----"   Him, "Can't help it. I just want to smack it when I see it."  Later it dawns on me to ask him because of that and other things he has said to me in kinky moments, "Hey, I know I am the spanko, but are you turning into one?"  He stops to think about it and said, "I think I am further along the spanko spectrum than I used to be.  My mindset is more along those lines than it used to be."  Well, that is a good thing, I guess.  It's healthy for our budding power exchange relationship. 

In Kacie Cunningham's book Conquer Me, she asks, "What are the essential elements without which my power exchange relationship would not work?"  And then, she proceeds to name and explain things like love, understanding, respect, and other things that Storm and I have had for a lifetime as do many of you. Naturally that all takes work, attention, and effort for everybody.  But she also includes more practical, identifiable things like establishing rituals, which  is absolutely what we are currently focusing on.  This has been very interesting "literature" for Storm and I to use as a resource.  (What kind of snob uses that word?  Laughing!)  After all, we're not born with knowing a bunch of details about submission and dominance so some guidance, feedback, talking with like-minded folks, etc. seems like a smart thing for us to do as we work on our TTWD.  I have been yearning for some actual tangible information that we can grab a hold of and put it into practice.  I read it and highlighted important parts  which is like 1/4 of some entire chapters.  Then Storm uses the Kindle application to read the highlights, go back to the context if necessary, and reads the notes that I have written specifically from me to him.   Then we discussed it several nights in the past 2 weeks.

One of the most meaningful ideas from this book is Kacie's term,  "Active Dominance," which she explains is another one of her essential elements to making their power exchange work.  "I think the best way to define it is to say that I need him to be as active at maintaining our relationship as I am. To sit back and expect me to submit while he passively accepts it without dominating would not work for me. I cannot submit in a vacuum. So it is absolutely necessary that he participate as much in our relationship (every aspect of it) as I do."

Anybody else want to just scream YESSSSSSSS! THIS!?  My note explains to Storm, "I absolute love the term  'active dominance' instead of just plain old dominance.  It says exactly what you will be doing to meet my submissive needs -- you're actively working on some aspect of our ttwd, D/s relationship like I am to meet your dominant needs. Examples are reading a book, listening to podcasts, watching videos, thinking of new rules adjustments, hugging me and grabbing my neck throughout the day, taking me in the closet for whatever when my current health situation is good....... talking with me most nights about what you're reading and learning and participating in whatever writing stuff I am working on regarding our relationship. I like that we talk in bed at night."

When I asked Storm what active dominance means to him, he said, "Basically, it's me taking actions, whether it is me reading up on a topic, in general educating myself, thinking and planning about how to handle situations that come up, being more active in my mind and more active toward you during the day.  Yesterday you were upset about a lot of things and feeling anxious, (and I went to lay on the bed face down and pout) I grabbed a hold of your shoulders and said, "I hear what you're saying,  Now it's time to calm down." --  "And then today when we had a miscommunication and you were irritated, I came over to you in the kitchen, grabbed you again by the shoulders and said, "Let's move forward from here on and forget about what happened already and just start from here.'" 

My husband pointed out to me tonight, "I was impressed yesterday and today with how you responded to me both times.  It isn't easy to just all of a sudden change your mood or your emotions.  But, I noticed." And I told him in return, "I knew both times you were trying to be dominant and giving it a shot at calming me down.  I stopped being upset because you took the time and made the effort to tell me to stop.  I was very aware this was the first time you were really, truly trying to be actively dominate to help me calm down and I knew that I needed to respond positively if I want you to keep doing it."

As Kacie points out in her book, "Dominance is a verb."  (And, yes, so is submission, but we knew that.) 

And later, Storm tells me regarding our kinky activity in the closet yesterday that as a result, "My fucking muscles are sore," as he grabs each side of his abdomen with his hands pointing to his muscles he uses for thrusting.  "That's an adjective." I chuckled at his words and knew that was going in this post.

What does the term "active dominance" mean to you whether it is part of your lifestyle or something you might want your partner or you to do someday?   Do you have a ritual that you would like to share from personal experience or from things you have read, thought about, or dreamed of?  

Against the Grain

It's not necessarily that we wanted to watch a movie this past Saturday night because it was already getting a bit late for us to start one.  Plus, we can take almost as much time reading the synopses and watching trailers as we can watching an entire doggone movie. As a result, sometimes, we just do searches on lazy nights.  

I am pushing the effing button on the remote that will not respond although it's been trying to tell us (STORM!) that it needs to retire because the back battery compartment cover falls off almost every time we even pick the dang thing up.  To be fair, it's probably not its own fault rather that of mine as I dropped it on the hard wood floor so many times, the back compartment pops off and the poor little batteries shoot across the room and take cover somewhere inconvenient for us to find them again.  (Perhaps they'll find Mr. Potato Head's missing wife and child magnet?)  An example of how the remote misbehaves is if I simply want to change the channel  five to channel one.  I have to hit the button ...... nothing happens...... hit again.... nothing..... repeat and then suddenly, I find myself on channel 111111111.  Ugh! 

As luck would have it, during this particular movie search, the buttons were indeed giving me a hard time and all of a sudden, Storm goes, "You just hit RENT."   We hadn't even watched the trailer or read the synopsis.  And now, we had no way of doing either of those things because it didn't give us the option.   So we just ended up watching the movie.  I'm not a penny pincher, but I do try to buy things on sale and I do everything that I can to get free shipping, so when our order gets messed up or something like that, it makes me mad because I actually spent a lot of time trying to save 10 bucks.  I had no one else to blame here, except my own self. 

Around this time, I also kind of started not feeling well.  My muscles in particular were feeling weak..... not unusual because I am out of shape, but my legs were shaky and I couldn't figure out why.  Yes, I had spent 4 hours in the kitchen, cleaning it, preparing dinner, cooking dinner, making some special carrot fries in the air fryer that takes a long time for the kid's special diet, and then cleaning up the entire kitchen again.  But, why would that make my legs wobbly?  I have anxiety and as per usual with me, at least one person in my life is  giving me something extra to fret over as if I don't already worry myself half to death all on my own.  I imagine that stress causes me various physical issues.  Storm takes care of me and although he isn't worried, he tries to help me out.  So he's thinking and then, "Wait.  Didn't you squat a lot in the shower earlier?  I know when I shave down there, my thighs can get tired."   Ah, yep, he nailed it.  It's like hovering over a public restroom toilet when you have no choice to wait until you get home because the poop is coming either way, and later, you can't figure out why your thigh muscles are sore until you remember your bathroom stall antics.

I just happened to have shaved my snatch in the shower earlier that night.  I used a new razor and conditioner on the recommendation from a friend (*whispers Willie*) who also told me to "shave against the grain." I am over 50, and I cannot see my snatch in the shower to see which way the "grain" grows.  I could feel the annoyance of farmers all across North America shaming me as I stared down into my field of wheat. I needed my reading glasses, but that would not have worked --in a tub, yeah, but not the shower.  So I stood there scraping and scraping away and reapplying the Aussie conditioner and I truly needed a 3 Minute Miracle.  Pffft.  More like a 33 minute hack job and pray it turns out all right.  Besides, we all know it's the Magic Wand that is the true 3 minute miracle worker.  

Later, just before bed, we were standing in our room hugging and I asked if I was in trouble for accidentally renting a movie.  I knew the answer, but still, we're on the path to figuring some things out here with our dd so there is a lot of search, discovery, keep, or discard going on in general.  He laughed and said no.  I said, "I would spank you if you rented one on accident, especially if it would have been like 20 bucks!"  He laughs at this because he knows it's true and that will happen when hell freezes over.  He says, "Well, at least it wasn't 60 dollars like that one time we left your dad alone with the remote (before it was broken) and then had to watch professional boxing for the next 6 hours!"  My dad never would have done that on purpose.  Yes, he wanted to watch it, but he did not know that he paid so much to do so.  We weren't mad, he felt bad, but I just decided to spend 6 hours with my dad watching a disgusting sport because it was fun to watch him have fun. 

Just before sleepy time, because of my muscle tightness overall, I was stretching using the side of the bed and Storm comes right up behind me and pulls my bubble gum pink pajama bottoms right down to the floor and begins an unofficial, impromptu, and unscheduled examination. Well, hello!  I felt a little manhandled with the spreading and whatnot, but he's getting his Dom on, so I have zero complaints.  I just continued to stretch and laughed at him.  So he's looking back there and says that I did a pretty good job.   I said I gave it a a good effort ........ and just as his face feels inches from my butthole because I did well there, too, I guess, I hear "That's impressive!"   OH MY GOSH.  I died laughing. What was it like back there before, the Rain Forest?  I have no idea, I went by feel.  I'm no farmer, but I guess I do know how to bushwhack!  

Like many a man, if his wife has never shaved this close or hasn't in a very long time, Storm wanted to see it again, but this time we had just climbed into bed, the lights are out, except he had his phone in his hand with the flashlight application on.  Oh brother.  "I want to see it closeup," he tells me.  I'm not sure how much closer the man could have gotten earlier, but what he says goes, so there I went.  Me, "Well, why did you turn the lights off then?"   Him, "I want a close up look with a light right on it."  I suddenly fell like Snow White except older and fatter, but there's no cellulite where he was lookin', and that Storm was one of the Dwarfs about to go mining in my cave. Doc, I guess, he'd be. 

Then my gears shift and I find myself looking around at our blankets in the dark rumpled around the bed and felt like we were kids. "What, are we camping?  We're going to pretend to pitch a tent and read under the blankets?"  He ignored me and went on about his mission like Tom Sawyer looking for trouble or treasure in the cave and I responded like his Becky, "If you see anything scary down there, I don't want to know about it."  

 

A Day (of Spanking) is like a Thousand Years .........

 "A day is like a thousand years and a thousand years is like a day."  That is actually a quote from the bible, but because much of the Book reads like poetry, I feel at ease quoting it here among people of all backgrounds. This particular verse actually helps me believe in creation and evolution all mixed together.  Those who believe in the literal translation of scripture will say that the universe is only six thousand years old whereas science tells us that we're living with billions of years behind us.  But, if a thousand years is like a day and day is like a thousand years...... in my non-literal interpretation, there's plenty of room for both theories.   

The most common interpretation of the following children's poem is probably a literal one.  Jack and Jill ran up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.  But, let's open that little ditty to interpretation.   Let's say Jack and Jill were not brother and sister, but life partners, and that hill that they are climbing is made up of all the challenges they face in their ttwd relationship. Each time they want to reach the summit to quench their thirst, they have to go up that dang hill again.  When Jack "fell down" perhaps he stumbled as in he was being inconsistent in enforcing some aspect of ttwd.  And what is going to happen to poor Jill when her HOH falls down the hill?  She's gonna fall down, too.  Alternatively, perhaps Jill pushed Jack down with her quick temper for reasons such as the following: 

When Storm struggles with identifying the times to spank or not, doesn't put the time into reading and thinking (that I think he should) about his dominance or something he feels he needs to improve, I might suggest he read this or that,  in order to meet my needs and to identify and ask for his own to be met.  For us, all of that and more make up the particular hill that we're climbing. My falling down the hill comes in the form of being really angry with him because he's not doing it fast enough or complete enough, etc.  I let my emotions get in the way, particularly I get my feelings hurt, and then let's say I leave the bedroom to sleep on the couch one night.  Often times in the past, I would threaten to do so or just go in the spare bedroom and wait until he comes to get me and he ALWAYS does, which he should.  And I always return to bed with him as I should.

 Well, let's just say that one night this week we again had ttwd miscommunication (grrrr!) troubles and fought about it a bit before he fell asleep.  Knowing that he was most likely asleep for the night, I then got up, schlepped all my shit to the couch, stewed, and slept there with the specific intent that he would not know it all night, but as soon as his eyes opened in the morning, I wouldn't be there.  Neither would my blanket and pillow. Storm must now play Where's Windy? 

He most likely ventures out to make our daily bread or rather the money to buy it, after his morning whiz to see where his grumpy wife ended up.  He sees me fast asleep on the couch while he proceeds to think whatever his imagination wants to because I didn't flipping care.  Obviously.

Yes, I was in trouble for that and thus the words, "I will always sleep in bed with Storm because it is healthy for our relationship" will have been repeated MANY times in several forms over the course of our private Sunday afternoon.  Basically, I spent a couple of hours suffering the consequences of my poor behavior earlier in the week.

Setting up new rules and protocols takes a lot of mental and emotional work for any couple trying to live an alternative lifestyle such as ours.  Storm is extremely patient and doesn't push.  I, on the other hand, want to shoot out of the starter's block and sprint half way across the finish line in no time.  That we differ in our personalities in this way is no shock to either of us.  Dealing with the  repercussions of my quick temper, however, was a slight shock to me today.  I was in BIG trouble, but I didn't realize what was in store for me.  I couldn't know, given our history of just kind of scratching the surface with ttwd..... okay, maybe we removed a few layers. 

 He kept me going at a smooth and steady pace by spanking me, lecturing me, telling me what to specifically think about, writing lines, standing in the corner, and spanking me before, and after all those things.  He was getting his first feel (oooh la la!) of the time these things take.  I did lose track of time, but in a non-hurried, casual kind of way.  For me, our couple of hours together could have been days, weeks, or years if I apply a non-literal interpretation.  Does it matter that it was more along the lines of about 2 hours?  Magically, Storm managed to fit several different DD punishments in at one time like we were simultaneously going to run out of time yet somehow had all the time in the world, too.

Although I don't want to be in trouble, I do want to be disciplined and loved by my husband on Sundays or Mondays, any days, all days, always, ...... or a thousand years.