Sunday, March 14, 2021

Rituals and Active Dominance

 Ever wish you were a fly on the wall ?  I don't mean in a creepy voyeuristic way, but if that is your thing, then good for you  -- wait!  Only if you have permission.  No peaking through windows and showing signs of future serial killer stuff.  

Some blogs out in sex land will give you a visual of whatever it is you're looking for.  Others use words and describe everything that is dripping and why. So I'm not saying that fellow bloggers don't share because they do.  But, there is a difference between sharing all or nothing.  Not that either is wrong, but I don't find either kind particularly helpful to Storm and I figuring out This That We Do.  In the spirit of sharing what is going on over here and in the hopes that our struggles and triumphs might help you and that you might have some of your own experiences and ideas that might help us, you are now on a fly on our wall, but not the one from Mike Pence's head.  

I walk into our bedroom to flirt with my husband.  I lift up my shirt and my breasts fill (okay flop into) his hands.  I am just looking for affirmation of things we have established around here in the past several weeks because it still feels new.  I say, "This is our daily ritual," because that was what he decided it would be. 

Squeezing me gently, he responds, "This is our daily vegetable?"  I just look at him, cock my head, realize the fan is on in our room and it's loud, so he didn't hear me properly.  We look one another straight in the eyes as that's part of it, and I wait for him to get his D/s brain in gear as he is holding my titties.  Understanding dawns. He corrects himself, "Oh, ritual."  

 Me, "Yeah, you're holding my daily vegetables.'  He gives me a look.  I look down at the spillage and I continue,  "Although I think they are fruit, specifically avocados."  Okay, no more misnaming.

 Him, "I like your titties, yes."   None of this was my point. I was just reaffirming what one of our new things is and flirting with him about it, but my idea was going to be that maybe we could add another ritual.  I wanted his opinion and for him to think about it. So I turned around, bent over and showed him.  He smacked my ass immediately. 

Me, "I didn't mean slapping."  Him, "Oh."  And slaps again.  Me, "I just said ----"   Him, "Can't help it. I just want to smack it when I see it."  Later it dawns on me to ask him because of that and other things he has said to me in kinky moments, "Hey, I know I am the spanko, but are you turning into one?"  He stops to think about it and said, "I think I am further along the spanko spectrum than I used to be.  My mindset is more along those lines than it used to be."  Well, that is a good thing, I guess.  It's healthy for our budding power exchange relationship. 

In Kacie Cunningham's book Conquer Me, she asks, "What are the essential elements without which my power exchange relationship would not work?"  And then, she proceeds to name and explain things like love, understanding, respect, and other things that Storm and I have had for a lifetime as do many of you. Naturally that all takes work, attention, and effort for everybody.  But she also includes more practical, identifiable things like establishing rituals, which  is absolutely what we are currently focusing on.  This has been very interesting "literature" for Storm and I to use as a resource.  (What kind of snob uses that word?  Laughing!)  After all, we're not born with knowing a bunch of details about submission and dominance so some guidance, feedback, talking with like-minded folks, etc. seems like a smart thing for us to do as we work on our TTWD.  I have been yearning for some actual tangible information that we can grab a hold of and put it into practice.  I read it and highlighted important parts  which is like 1/4 of some entire chapters.  Then Storm uses the Kindle application to read the highlights, go back to the context if necessary, and reads the notes that I have written specifically from me to him.   Then we discussed it several nights in the past 2 weeks.

One of the most meaningful ideas from this book is Kacie's term,  "Active Dominance," which she explains is another one of her essential elements to making their power exchange work.  "I think the best way to define it is to say that I need him to be as active at maintaining our relationship as I am. To sit back and expect me to submit while he passively accepts it without dominating would not work for me. I cannot submit in a vacuum. So it is absolutely necessary that he participate as much in our relationship (every aspect of it) as I do."

Anybody else want to just scream YESSSSSSSS! THIS!?  My note explains to Storm, "I absolute love the term  'active dominance' instead of just plain old dominance.  It says exactly what you will be doing to meet my submissive needs -- you're actively working on some aspect of our ttwd, D/s relationship like I am to meet your dominant needs. Examples are reading a book, listening to podcasts, watching videos, thinking of new rules adjustments, hugging me and grabbing my neck throughout the day, taking me in the closet for whatever when my current health situation is good....... talking with me most nights about what you're reading and learning and participating in whatever writing stuff I am working on regarding our relationship. I like that we talk in bed at night."

When I asked Storm what active dominance means to him, he said, "Basically, it's me taking actions, whether it is me reading up on a topic, in general educating myself, thinking and planning about how to handle situations that come up, being more active in my mind and more active toward you during the day.  Yesterday you were upset about a lot of things and feeling anxious, (and I went to lay on the bed face down and pout) I grabbed a hold of your shoulders and said, "I hear what you're saying,  Now it's time to calm down." --  "And then today when we had a miscommunication and you were irritated, I came over to you in the kitchen, grabbed you again by the shoulders and said, "Let's move forward from here on and forget about what happened already and just start from here.'" 

My husband pointed out to me tonight, "I was impressed yesterday and today with how you responded to me both times.  It isn't easy to just all of a sudden change your mood or your emotions.  But, I noticed." And I told him in return, "I knew both times you were trying to be dominant and giving it a shot at calming me down.  I stopped being upset because you took the time and made the effort to tell me to stop.  I was very aware this was the first time you were really, truly trying to be actively dominate to help me calm down and I knew that I needed to respond positively if I want you to keep doing it."

As Kacie points out in her book, "Dominance is a verb."  (And, yes, so is submission, but we knew that.) 

And later, Storm tells me regarding our kinky activity in the closet yesterday that as a result, "My fucking muscles are sore," as he grabs each side of his abdomen with his hands pointing to his muscles he uses for thrusting.  "That's an adjective." I chuckled at his words and knew that was going in this post.

What does the term "active dominance" mean to you whether it is part of your lifestyle or something you might want your partner or you to do someday?   Do you have a ritual that you would like to share from personal experience or from things you have read, thought about, or dreamed of?  


  1. Hi Windy,

    I love this post. Poor Storm with his sore muscles LoL.

    "Active Dominance" I love this term. I agree, it's difficult to submit in a vacuum without active dominance, and vice versa. I think both parties need to feel the other partner is committed to their ttwd dynamic. Having rituals is certainly one way of both partners reinforcing their roles. I just love how you and Storm are working on this together.

    As for our rituals, when we had an active dynamic we used to have regular maintenance spankings at one point. I also used to 'present' myself to Rick before getting into bed. That was something I just started doing on my own, it didn't start off as a requirement. He used to carress me (and pinch and pull some parts at times lol) and we would talk.


    1. Hi, Roz! So interesting that some acts you just started on your own and they turn into rituals. That is kind of what I sometimes try to do with Storm so that the idea isn't completely mine, ya know? Then he'll think about it and decide it should be regular. Maybe? lol

      I agree with your take on active dominance. Within an active (by both parties) dynamic, submission will encourage dominance. But without either being heavily involved, it would just leave me doing nice things and feeling stupid. LOL

      I think regular maintenance is a good idea. In the past we relied too much on that and not the in the moment things, but I believe we need both.

      Oh, pinchin' and pullin' stuff by your man! And then you would talk. During this? I'd be like, "Hey! I can't concentrate on what you're saying!" LOL

      Thank you for sharing about your rituals and active dominance, Roz! Love the conversation! Hugs, Windy

  2. Excellent read! Yes our husbands suddenly have their heads in the game. Bless Storm's heart for the sore muscles. I'm sure his hand may hurt sometimes having to spank those rock hard bum muscles I'm sure you have.

    Our dynamics will be different from your. But I think you and I are both happy for the moment and that's good.

    1. PK,
      Ah, yes, good way to put it about their heads in the game. (both heads? ;) ) Laughing about the sore muscles. I will tell him what you said which we all know is southern sarcasm. haha Oh, yes, me and the jelly butt, I mean buns of steal. I wish!

      Ooooh, your dynamics will be something other than what we do! I look forward to blog discussions among all of us.

      Happy for you, girl. Hugs, Windy

  3. One more thing I wanted to mention - the sharing thing. When I first started there was sharing! WOW! TMI, but we loved it. Not only did we feel free to say what we were doing, we could practically 'see' what others were doing. So why did it stop? I'm not sure. Maybe we got to know each other too well. I mean you don't discuss all the details with your family or co-workers or the people you see daily. It's kind of backwards here with anonymity you can ask things like, 'What kind of butt plug do you find the most comfortable?' or 'Female ejaculation - can you do it?' or 'Do you prefer leather or wood.' But we would never ask, 'Where do you work? What are your kids names and ages? Do you attend a church, which one?' I'm tell you we're backwards. I do sorta miss the sharing though. Maybe it will come back.

    1. I understand the backwards thing. I do know that there are a couple handfuls of blogs based mostly in the UK who do have sex bloggers that are as open as you say it used to be here. My impression is that many of them are writers, so much of it comes out in the actual posts themselves, but they are supportive of one another. For the most part, they don't frequent this little area of ttwd land. And I wonder if it is due to the lack of openness that they see here.

      From my perspective as a blogger of 3 years, it has never been open here, and in fact, I was personally encouraged not to be many times in many ways. It's my own fault for letting that influence get in the way of my blogging and my budding friendships, but I thought what was being presented to me as the truth and the status quo was the way things were here and I did not want to be accused of the TMI thing. It's very hard for a new blogger to come into the arena of a bunch of women already perceived to be friends.

      Also, bloggers move on because they were pushed out due to attempting to share more than was accepted here and due to the above personality clashes here where supposedly everyone "is the best of friends," except when you're not. LOL Still some move on because they're no longer doing ttwd while others want quicker, shorter, more surface type connections on Twitter.

      I, for one, would like to see a bit more TMI. Laughing. Like I said early on in this post that graphic nudity doesn't help me with ttwd, but it is fine if that is what somebody's blog is about. I can visit and be friendly with people with other kinks and those that are too much for me just might be great for lots of others. But the kind of blogs where we limit ourselves for whatever reasons isn't doing us any favors here.

      I am personally trying to find out what we that are left in blog land seem to be searching for. For me, I will continue to share more information about the how's and why's and practicalities that make ttwd work or not work for us. And I plan to have a lot of fun in the meantime and still write when I have good story that will make some people laugh.

    2. LOL I'm almost glad I missed yesterday -- getting a lot of information being a day late.

      and I don't know - I've honestly never thought about TMI when I write - though I might say something to the effect of this is TMI ... and shrug ... remember my genital piercing pic?? had more than a couple of shocked responses... I sat there reading them thinking for f*cks sakes loosen up ...

      I don't see anything wrong with some TMI blogs... and I am adult enough to read or not read ... a good example was kdpierre's footing post... totally grossed me out - I just moved on for that day.

      AND one other thing -- I am not on here to make blog land friends (I love if it happens - but not my raison d'etre ya know?) if someone finds my blog and reads - good for them - if they don't like what I post tough shit! it's my blog

      Ok now to move on to commenting on your blog.... (grinning)

    3. Well, you just keep on sharing, TMI or not. Of course, I remember your genital picture....I think a couple of us were surprised, but all in good fun. Your Sir Steve was shocked though, you said. LOL

      I could have used a little more of your gumption when I first started blogging.

      Making friends here hasn't been my first priority and I am surprised that that's how things kind of went right away. But, in a few cases, I have found some gems. And I enjoy interacting with everybody on my blog or theirs no matter the closeness of friendship or not.

    4. @Morningstar

      " remember my genital piercing pic?? had more than a couple of shocked responses... I sat there reading them thinking for f*cks sakes loosen up ...

      I don't see anything wrong with some TMI blogs... and I am adult enough to read or not read ... a good example was kdpierre's footing post... totally grossed me out - I just moved on for that day."

      I hope you are not referring to Windy and I as we told you we were just goofing around. Rest assured if I was 'shocked' or felt it TMI I would have never said a word- much like you claimed you did on KD's blog. I would have just moved on.

      @Windy you found some real gem friends or some real 'gems'? LMAO!

  4. Windy,

    OK, are you ACTUALLY a fly on my wall? Because if so, that's kinda creepy!

    Thank you for this post today. This is perfect and exactly what I needed right now.

    Thank you.

    1. Boo,
      Laughing. No, I am not. I promise! I'm too tired to spy on anybody, plus that whole precursor to serial killing aspect. Gah!

      Thank you for letting me know this post meant something to you. Good. We have all been on similar paths as well as different paths at various times, so anything I can do to help someone else along regarding ttwd in any manner, I hope I can do! Hugs, Windy

    2. Well....I think we took a HUGE step forward in our journey. I am scared and excited all at the same time. We had a HUGE talk after a HUGE fight (never call an HOH an F-ing idiot). After a day of rest to calm down, more discussions happened and it was like a light bulb went off and he FINALLY got it. I warned him I would push to see if he would actually spank me, and he said that was fine, he would find his own way and I wouldn't like it, but I was welcome to try.

      Holy God, what have I done? Laughing.

      Hugs Boo

    3. Wow, that is terrific news that he finally got it. YAY! Not fun to be fighting, but it sounds like you guys made some interesting progress.

      No, I would not recommend calling our guys effing idiots. LMAO Although feel free to speak your mind here and in emails. Just don't give PK your husband's email address as she likes to get her friends into trouble. HA!

      Good, good, you have done it! Now, whose blog will you spill the beans on once something spanking wise happens over there? We may have to get you to blog, girl!

      Good luck! Hugs, Windy

  5. This is a great post, really has me thinking. Active dominance is not really active here lately. But when I need him, he can be the leader and he helps me better myself. He pushes me more to better myself and I look to him more. While in crisis mode, we are putting most of our attention on our daughter. But we will return to our ways. Thank you for sharing your insight. I am glad to see that you are doing your thing, it is encouraging to me.

    1. Blondie,
      Thank you. The book Conquer Me has given Storm and I lots of areas to discuss and for me to write about, share with him, and then also share here with my fellow ttwd'ers as to how it's working, what we're thinking, etc.

      It is wonderful that Ty is right there when you need him and that helps you with areas that need your attention for optimal well being.

      I really appreciate you saying that Storm and I doing our thing is encouraging to you. Good! That is what blog land should be about. I do feel a difference in my blogging .... more substance, I am hoping. I'm looking forward to what you may be able to share when things at your house start to crawl out of crisis mode. We know how that goes, have lived it, still have to keep our eyes on our daughter, etc. Please know that I've been praying for you all. Hugs, Windy

  6. We are still slowly finding our way. I truly with there were organized classes in the subject.

    1. Deena,
      We've been slow as molasses, too! I don't think there are ton of books out there, but just the Conquer Me book has helped Storm and I talk to one another about specific things that we otherwise would not know. We do have to ignore the parts that don't fit us, but if I have to read the parts that don't apply in order to find just a few that do, then we're all in!

      Keep plugging along! We're right there with you. Hugs, Windy

  7. Windy

    I am so old ... more than 25 years into this TTWD ya know... I have been down the road of rituals and protocols veered off the main road .. and then back onto the 4 lane highway of them.. and now happily skipping along on the back country road of rituals and protocols.

    After all these years the one thing I know about rituals and protocols is that they have to feel natural........ if they don't they won't last. (and by natural I mean to you - generic you.) I had so many rituals/protocols with my last dom that I felt like I was drowning and some of them made no sense to me at all!!

    I wrote on Fondles blog about rituals - that when Sir Steve and I got back together.. the first thing he asked was ' do you shave?' (and he didn't mean my legs) ... I did/do cause it's something I've done since my 20's - just feels cleaner to me. anyway that was one thing he insisted on.. and still does.

    He also insisted I sleep naked ...... that wasn't something I was used to ... but it felt good - especially when we would snuggle together and I felt the smoothness of his skin against my skin - I felt bonded to him.... even 4 years later I still feel that bond when we snuggle......
    He also insists on 'spooning' so that he can reach around my body and grab my left boob.. he holds it tight as we fall asleep.

    (Oh and I read Sir Steve bits and pieces of your blog last night and he loved it - says he loves the way you describe things... like your 'daily vegetable' comment)

    1. MorningStar,
      It is good that you are happily skipping on the back country roads these days!

      Feeling natural makes sense to me as well as not hurting while one is doing it. It also needs to make sense otherwise we subs would be all what the heck is this for?! lol

      I never thought of shaving as a ritual. Interesting! I'm trying with that...not so good at it plus razor burn.

      Love the sleeping nekkid and spooning. We spooned last night and then I got forked!

      Happy to hear your Sir Steve enjoys what you share with him from my blog. Fun! Hugs, Windy

  8. Okay, made it! I know, you were just waiting with baited breath. LOL.

    NOW, where to begin? I feel like I should explain your 'literature' comment. I shared with Windy that a few years ago- urgh so long ago, I did a few book reviews. In one particular post, I don't believe it was about Conquer Me though I have reviewed this book as well, a now nonexistent blogger, TOLD me to " Put down the 'literature' " and basically communicate with B. She missed the entire point of the post. I was reviewing the book and how it helped us ( sigh ). Anyway, back in the day blogging was different ( tired of reading that yet?). The TMI I was used to might be more about emotions, and things said between couples, and most of all FAILURES while they were happening, not dressed up after they were resolved with a pretty bow on top. B and I could read blogs and identify with those who struggled along with us, or before us, and we were also able to rejoice in their triumphs and it gave us hope when we felt we were drowning. The 'literature' we read, helped us both understand where we were coming from, the emotions, the whys, the misunderstandings, the how to maybe get out of it or avoid it. So I would encourage anyone to look elsewhere to find solutions, or validation. You'd be surprised at where you will find it. I've read books written by Doms and Dommes, Male Gay Slaves, as well as ultra conservative women. I've found help in learning to let go books, marriage books and currently I am reading a book designed for singles who have trouble dating, ( You can never be too prepared...LMAO ) which I may actually post about soon.

    So I say good for you for rereading this book. I too have read it more than once- interestingly highlighting different things as well. I remember the first time reading it and scoffing at sleeping on the floor- now I think, well at least Kacie was permitted a 'pallet' LOL!

    Okay, going to make another comment post so as not to ramble about too many things in one.

    1. Willie,
      There you are! Yeah, and more like garlic breath since the doc won't give me antibiotics. Grrr.

      Yes,the literature comment. Thank you for explaining to inquiring minds.

      Oh, I like the TMI you described -- emotions (as long as they're not negative and directed at me. ha!) and learning from one another's failures while-they-were-still-in-it. That makes us all know that we're often in the same boat whether it's sinking or sailing.

      Books by a wide range of people is a good thing. Except for the conservative woman at this particular time in my life. You can keep that one, I've had a lifetime of them up the wazoo and lots to spare! LOL

      It would be interesting to know which parts you highlighted in this book that are different from the ones I did.

      Behave so you can sleep in the bed. :) Onto Part II !

  9. Part 2 - the ramble continues

    Before I go any further, I want to congratulate *YOU*.. Yeah, yeah, Storm's great and all, but this is about you. It takes a lot of courage and hope/faith to accept a movement forward in dominance the way you did with his talking to you about your emotions, especially based on a history of TTWD crashing and burning after a while. I know you're enjoying this, and that says a lot. It is easy for 'us' to enjoy something that is new, but it is much more difficult to with the baggage of history tagged on- so whether this part is completely new or not, it says a lot to your commitment to ttwd and your dynamic that you are so willing to embrace what and how he is giving you his dominance.

    On to your question. Active dominance to me is perhaps the difference between Dd and D/s. Dominance is making a rule and enforcing it ( again, reactive IMHO- or set it and forget it<- which B hates me to say LOL) and Active Dominance is sprinkling that "sh*t" all over the place throughout the day. LOL. Yes rituals are part of that here. I'm not going to lie, there are some rituals that I have felt silly doing if I think about them as an individual action. What I mean to say is, if I were to watch me doing them, or take myself, and my mind away from WHY I am doing them, I'd feel silly. The truth of the matter is, if I believe they are important to B or to my overall mindset then I don't feel they are silly because they are not pointless. The action may seem that way, but the overall intent for that action is not.

    So happy to hear that Storm is embracing your suggestions, and that you are bringing up support when needed to help steer ttwd into where you need it to go.

    Much love and luck

  10. Hey, thanks for the compliment/encouragement. I appreciate it. I know you know how hard it is as do many of us gals who refuse to give up the idea of consistent ttwd in our lives. That makes us so dog gone vulnerable. I think maybe it hurts my pride when we have to have "the discussion" again. I need to investigate your post on that to see if that is what I sometimes deal with.

    Yes, the rituals may seem silly in and of themselves, but not when put into the context of the power exchange and what we know for sure is important to our guys. I love knowing a handful of things now that are truly important to Storm and that makes me feel good. He is truly actively dominating which gives me the chance to truly actively submit, not just fantasize.

    Thanks for your support and your kind words, Willie. And the excellent book recommendation that is helping Storm and me communicate over ideas that we otherwise may have never known.


  11. I enjoyed reading this post it gave me something to chew on, I haven't to my recollection come across the term active dominance so going on the given explanation I shall try to make some sense of my thoughts.

    I think as with any relationship there needs to be a sense of both parties (or indeed more) contributing to maintaining said relationship, it would I think be easy to have the belief that one being submissive it is easy and simple to just follow instructions, but yet I think there is much more to it than that. For me I need my Master to provide firm boundaries of his expectations of me and maintain those boundaries as and when needed.

    I don't feel have fully explained what I mean, I may have to come back and add further thoughts if that is ok.


    1. Welcome to my blog, Claire!

      "Active Dominance" is an interesting phrase, isn't it? So glad I ran across it and that you gals have been chewing on it, too!

      Yeah, I think if we don't look beyond the surface, we might mistake submission as being easy. Others looking from the outside might think the same thing. But we know it isn't easy for sure! Boundaries are very important and I find myself testing them which makes Storm shake his head and wonder why sometimes. LOL

      You are welcome to come back and add more of your thoughts any time, Claire! I have added your blog to my blog roll. Looking forward to great conversations with you! Hugs, Windy

  12. Thank you Windy

    I came back knowing what I was going to say and then I read your reply and your comment of testing boundaries I think actually is a good example of where active dominance could come into play. I think it's quite normal to test at times, for reassurance perhaps that they are paying attention, will do something about it, or maybe a deeper reason.

    Without active dominance I think there is a risk of slipping into complacency (not sure if that is the right word to use) if one feels the dominant isn't making an effort why should the submissive, it would just I feel lead to resentment.

    I shall have to explore how this blogroll works, when I do I shall add you, and again thank you.

    1. Claire,
      Welcome back! I am really interested in that "deeper reason." My best current guess is that I have "conquer me feelings," like Kate Cunningham describes. I have added that phrase to my D/s vocabulary with Storm and he knows what it means and gets to decide what to do about it. *Actively dominate me!) That resentment thing is sometimes right around the corner when we're both not actively participating for sure. Let me know if you need help with the blog roll set up. I'm not an expert, but I know a little bit. Hugs, Windy