Who is really in control?

Apparently, it is possible for a female octopus to strangle the male while mating, especially if she is a bit larger than he, having a bigger body and longer tentacles.  Octopus couples touch each other with their arms when they are being aggressive or mating or both. (Sounds like they could use some genuine affection and a little bit of  DD in their relationship.)  In one particular case, after an impressive 15 minutes of mating, the female reached out her arm around the base of the male's mantle which prevented his gills from taking in water and thus he died from lack of oxygen.  Then she dragged his ass back to her cave and ate him for dinner.  Source:  (Female Octopus Strangles Mate, Then Eats Him)

While recently reading different books or blogs about human sexuality, I've run into the idea a couple of times that say the female is in control when she is giving her guy oral sex, but I find myself thinking the exact opposite.  Although one time when I got a hold of Storm's penis late at night and then he took advantage of my forwardness, when I teased him the next day about having late night oral sex, he said, "Not my fault. Someone grabbed me by the horn."  Guilty as charged, but I didn't strangle him. 

I also view every time Storm and I have sex that I am the submissive one because I am spreading my legs, no matter what position I'm in, although I don't remember the last time I was on top as I don't like it that way.  I suppose if he told me to get on top and then gave me some kinky instructions, I could get into that, but I would still need him to be in control.  I would make one submissive octopus if I had eight legs to spread! 

In his book Spank Her!,  author Devlin, O'Neil says, "Sex is often thought of as the ultimate submission, but I do not think this is true, since both parties submit to it. And in this thing we do, I have noticed that the girl often regains a measure of overt control by kneeling and taking charge of certain portions of her Top’s anatomy. That might look submissive to an outside observer, but I am here to tell you that the guy is not especially in charge of anything at this juncture."

I asked Storm to read the paragraph above and then answer the question, "Do you feel that when I am giving you a blow job on my knees that I am in control or is this proof of my submission? What about regular intercourse?"

Storm answers, "Intercourse is not both of us submitting.  It's you gettin' fucked."  Well, hello!  Okay, then. Laughing.  He tells me later he wants to clarify.  "It's not that I see sex as you just laying there getting fucked by me.  It's  that I am penetrating you.  Even if you were on top, I would still see it as me penetrating you. I also don't see a blow job as you being in control.  It's you making me feel good.  It's you servicing me, a form of submission."  I am not surprised by any of his viewpoints.  I ask him, "How did you see it when we were first married and having vanilla sex?"  He says, "You were   physically submitting to me then, too."

I ask, "How do you see it when you give me oral sex?"  He replies, "I see it as me pleasuring you -- making you feel good." Personally, I don't see it as a submissive act on my part (or his), which is probably why I am not a huge fan of it.  I do receive pleasure from it, but because it doesn't make me feel submissive, at this time in our DD,D/s, I am not particularly interested in it.  I would, however, agree to Storm performing oral sex on me if he wants to.  He said he'd do it more if his tongue was longer.  Ha!  We enjoyed that quite often when we were younger...... not so much in my submissive days.  

So how do you feel? Who is in charge when a woman gives a man a blow job? And does your opinion change if it's in a DD&D/s relationship where the husband is the Head of Household?