Truth or Dare - Reflection of Self

The game Truth or Dare was kind of a last resort on late summer nights, which was 10 bells for me, after playing as many rounds as possible of Flashlight Tag and Kick the Can. I never understood why those favorite games of mine had to be such a personal competition instead of just a physical one, but I had a couple of neighborhood friends who wanted to fight about the rules and who tagged whom, but you only touched my shirt, and then they'd stay mad for 2 days -- You know, kind of like a peri-menopausal submissive wife puts up walls after her dominant husband forgot to dominate a time or two (or she misperceived this), otherwise known as every other weekend (until you get into your D/s groove, that is, I am sure.)  So it felt like Truth or Dare was a necessary evil during childhood because we had to have something to do in our open garages at night when it was raining outside. 

Truth is that I didn't have many confessions. I didn't party or have younger brothers and sisters to tease with pranks that went a little too far and we weren't Catholic so when my older sister made me eat a mothball, she didn't have to confess it to a priest.  We were Evangelical, so she could just go straight to Jesus. Jesus was forgiving, you could talk to Him all you wanted at any time day or night, He had no choice but to listen, it was free therapy, and your long distance phone bill was never charged.  My mother, however,was not so quick to let us off the hook and we feared her wrath more than God's, although admittedly, we were not born and living in the Old Testament times when God used to just roar at people from heaven and set stuff on fire from space.  

For me, the worst  part of Truth or Dare was probably just admitting that I had a crush on someone, and in most cases, that is something I eventually wanted that person to know anyway to see if the feeling was mutual.  So I mostly opted for dare which usually involved giving a boy a quick kiss or choosing the scariest house in the neighborhood in which to play Ding-Dong ditch. (resists BDSM pun here.)   I was fast, so it wasn't truly a risk for me, and sometimes I felt bad for pranking the neighbors like that, but not enough to stop doing it.

Truth is I also wasn't sexually active nor was I ever sexually curious when it came to the intimacy between myself and my body.  I thought that was only something guys did even though they weren't supposed to.  I didn't even know I had a clitoris except for the fact that there was a mysterious something between my legs that sometimes made my leg kick out involuntarily when I would accidentally hit it on the bar of my pink Huffy girl's bicycle. Brrrtzz!  What the heck was that?   I am sure that the Church was glad that I did not know what it was and what it was for even though I'm sure now that some of them still don't know themselves.  Sex was for marriage, no one was supposed to pleasure themselves, and that was that.  

Truth is I never pleasured myself until after we were married.  I was scared and I felt guilty and I told Storm.  He just wanted to hear about it.  He wasn't offended. He just wanted details.  

Truth is when it comes to our power exchange relationship, I need to let him do it his way, even if it drives me up a wall. I am discovering that when I intentionally keep my unnecessary opinion to myself, he actually does just fine.  Then I can save my input for when it truly matters, put it as a suggestion or a request to soften it, make it a question instead of a suggestion, and wrap it up with a respectful please.  The truth is that feels much better.  Sounds better to my own ears as well and I am still working on putting that kind of thing into practice. 

Truth is....... I have a long way to go when it comes to being settled in my own submission to the point where I don't let a simple misunderstanding, or even bigger ones, disrupt what we're trying to build.  I don't know why I find it so hurtful and although I'm not going to blame Menopause and not take the discipline that is coming my way, it is definitely playing a very challenging emotional role for me. 

Truth is that this is hard. 

Truth is that we might fail. 

Truth is I have spent a lot of my life afraid of many things.  Dare I step out and change some of that?

Mindset of the Discipline/Punishment Spanking

 As a result from reading, writing, and analyzing that I am doing as part of  Missy's Tell Me About Submission Reflection Series, I am realizing that for me, much of it fits under question number 2 regarding  submissive growth.  All of the above plus talking with others has let my mind open up and has lead me to the following personal revelation that I want to share with you below:

Many have had spanking on our minds since we were young. Who knows why certain images or memories that we didn't understand made our tummies flip as such young kids.  As adults, some of us seek this out while others suppress it. Many of us turn spanking into fun, some of use it as erotic activity, some for pain, for stress relief, discipline and some for punishment.  I'm sure I left some possibilities out.

When spanking comes in the form of the fun, the erotic, and the play part, all of that, to me, involves the use of one's imagination.  The spanking is whatever one's brain wants to turn it into. Maybe a guy or gal has made a scene out of it with lots of forethought as he/she imagines what it will entail.  (Storm and I haven't tried this yet, but our wheels are turning!)  Also, instead of fantasy or as an addition to it, we may just

automatically be turned on by the feeling of impact since our bums are near our sex organs and nerves and all that.  Alternatively, for me, when it comes to a discipline/punishment spanking, the whole thing has to be real in its origins whether it eventually leads to sex between Storm and me or not.  I can fantasize all I want when we are making love about the things that we might do or have already done or recall certain kinky dom things he has said to me over the years, but I cannot at all when it comes to a discipline spanking.  I think I finally figured out at least one component as to why -- all of you experienced gals who know I will have some other theory 6 months from now can just zip it. Ha! 

 I started thinking back to what most of us knew about spanking when we were young - it was a punishment.  In my elementary years, a teacher swatting kids with a paddle was fairly common. I was never the subject of such punishment, but I was a witness to it, in part.   I had sort of a fearful fascination of the whole atmosphere - knowing as a pupil that my classmate was heading for trouble when he somehow did not recognize this himself because he kept pushing it. We would all watch as the teacher got mad at the student. Our eyes would widen, his verbal warnings would buzz around in our little brains. My heart would start pounding in my ears and my tummy would do this a little flip.  We found ourselves holding our collective breath as the classroom went dead silent except for that slow fed-up/you're-gonna-get-it slide of the teacher's desk drawer -- you know that thing of wonderment that we imagined certainly held the school's top secrets and other things like confiscated toys such as super balls and jacks of years past, his favorite brand and flavor of gum, 37 ketchup packages stolen from the cafeteria, and the legal record of his actual first name.  He reached in to grab his weapon of ass destruction.  He had at least 2 paddles.  If he chose the one with the holes, I feared the kid was gonna get propelled all the way into the gymnasium.  In the few seconds that the teacher made his decision, the senses of the rest of us were on high alert in silent anticipation. We could detect the lingering nauseating scent of hours old mayonnaise dried on Ham Sandwich Kid's shirt front, in the corners of his mouth, and under his fingernails. Moms didn't know or care about ice packs back then.  You either got peanut butter and jelly or took the risk of salmonella with some kind of lukewarm lunch meat and mayo or bologna and mustard.  Those fools ended up missing the garbage can after lunch and threw up all over the floor.  We prayed for the janitor to arrive, but often they would just pour this sawdust type stuff over it and we'd have a hard time differentiating for the rest of the day between the odor of barf and that of Ham Sandwich Kid.  Our eyes flicked back to the teacher angrily standing up in his chair, paddle in hand. 

 We found ourselves internally restless though we dare not move.  Suddenly we were overcome with thirst and longing for a classroom exit to the ice cold water fountain -- my favorite part of that being a line of antsy, dancing, fussing children waiting for their turn to stand on the step stool in front of the big water fountain, finally make it there, only to have some toothy kid in line start yelling, "Save some water for the fish!" to get you to hurry and make their turn happen sooner rather than later.  But, no such luck right then because that boy was in the hallway now with the teacher.  Suddenly, all our thoughts came to a halt as we heard the lightning THWACK! and its echo in the hallway.  We waited to exhale our breath because sometimes there were 2 swats.  We'd slowly let out the trapped air when we'd see the kid slink back into the classroom.  We'd watch everything in reverse as order was restored by the teacher's definitive closing of his drawer to put away the paddle.  Thunk.  Well, that was the end of that. 

See? No imagination necessary to the build up and delivery of that kind of spanking. That's how it was every time.  I didn't know that what I was feeling was at least partially sexual in nature because my brain just was too innocent to make that connection.  But many years later, becoming sexually active somehow triggered some of those memories for me.  From anticipation through completion, the punishment/discipline spanking has to be real and serious in nature. 

Here's the second thing that just occurred to me as I was writing this. I was in 5th grade when this happened the most often. If you hadn't already noticed the pronouns, the teacher that spanked the most in the whole school was male and this never occurred to me until now.  Maybe it is much more common presently for teachers of the younger kids to be male, I don't know the statistics, but in my elementary school back in the late 70's and early 80's, he was the only male teacher.  Male teachers were plentiful in high school, but it was rare in grade school.  This teacher was strict, male, had large hairy hands, was clean - he smelled like soap and coffee, and he was masculine. He was a major authority figure in our lives for almost an entire year - one where some of my classmates were starting puberty, but for others of us, like me, it would be another 2 years until I started noticing physical changes in my body.  My "self" was still forming and thus impressionable. And, no, I do not have a teacher-student spanking fantasy. I was not attracted to my teacher.  I wasn't repulsed by him either, I just didn't think of him as anything other than my teacher that was a man and he often used spanking to discipline in his classroom. 

Our dynamic is very much one in which we recognize that our male and female selves have stark differences.  For example, his physical strength compared to mine.  When he spanks me, for us and for now, it isn't the pain itself that I seek or that Storm seeks to give to me. (Fine if you and yours do, and this may change for us or elements of that might already be there.)  But, right now, I want to feel the differences between us. I want to feel his authority, and for him to grow in his exercising of it and me submitting to it.

 Windy, don't you feel a bit stupid, humiliated, humbled, by that?  I would only feel stupid if I when I expressed my submissive desires to my husband he would have rejected them.  Never, ever has he done that. As far as the humiliation goes with a discipline spanking, yes, although not erotic in the moment, it can definitely result in erotic expression toward one another afterwards.  And humbled in a submissive way, yes, I feel that, too, willingly putting myself under his authority.  But, I am learning that apparently that is often what some  D/s feelings are about.  And there's no shame in that.  Or is there?  ;)

The Precarious Bridge of Uncertainty

The last bridge I can remember standing on as a teenager was a railroad bridge.  I was with adults and I couldn't believe they lead us up some kind of metal lattice tower of steps a hundred feet up in the air. Then they walked across these oily wooden planks that ran under and along tracks, a dizzying world visible below through the cracks.  What were we doing here? Was this even legal?  DO NOT LOOK DOWN.  Who wants to take this kind of risk? I felt dizzy, shaky, and like I didn't trust anyone around me lest they run into me and push me off the ledge either by accident or.... Wait!  Am I on a bridge and afraid of heights, or have I just found myself in my very first BDSM chatroom?  

I glance at the first two screen names of who has entered the room so far. Well, fuckbunny16 and her Dominant 16TimesADay seem nice and well suited, and uhhm, prompt anyway. Gosh, what am I doing here?  I swallow hard.  I'm here to learn, I remind myself.   Don't be scared.  DO NOT LOOK DOWN.  And then I go against my own orders and look down at my vanilla name and that of my partner and I feel like the most vanilla-ist sub that has ever vanilla'd.  I'm as  naked as store brand vanilla ice cream with no chocolate sauce, sprinkles, or nuts.  But then I remind myself that certainly about half of us here love a certain kind of nuts especially if they're a bit lopsided and come swinging in a kiwi looking sack and are attached between the legs of our Doms.   Yeah, I'm in the right place. 

The thing is, I'm truly trying not to look down and by that I mean I'm not looking down on anyone even if do feel a bit shaky and intimidated.  I try not to judge.  I don't want to be judged.  Been there done that, walked that emotional bridge, and burned it down on my way out. Eventually a little focus in the group comes around to me because I have asked a few tentative questions here and there and thrown in half a dozen sincere LOL's.  The group's sense of humor is the very first thing that puts me at ease.  I find the answers interesting.  And I don't wonder if anyone is lying, but I do wonder if they know what they're talking about because the last time I trusted someone when I was new to the environment.......eh. I get a little dizzy.  And even if they DO know what they're talking about, is anyone going to present themselves as knowing it all?  Because last time ........... eh. The memories are painful and I swallow thickly as I blink back a tear.  But, I keep going, and  I watch a little more, read back what I have missed, get every sub mixed up with their partners so I'm constantly having to double check if I am talking to a sub or dom or a man or a woman.  Subs often acknowledge their Doms in some way so that helps me assimilate.  

I don't want anybody to push me off the ledge and so far that hasn't happened, which is good because it took a lot for me to openly cross over to the WordPress Blogs bridge and I'm still a bit surprised I made it here for more than just a few minutes at a time.  Before the chat, I had looked around.  The buttons, my God, the rectangular buttons and the drop downs and the links and the writing prompts. I'm learning and treading the hyper-planks click by click.  Time for the chat. 

 I have been in other chatrooms in my life where the tension and competition is palpable and even a novice can see the patterns of who is siding with whom, who is leading, who is quiet, who might be a bit snarky, who is the one seeking the most attention when the first words on her lips after this meeting will be who she thinks the attention whore is......when the poor gal isn't that at all.  And what an awful term. And that was the vanilla internet almost 20 years ago. Sometimes even plain old vanilla is toxic. But that is not happening here.  Whew. 

I wonder how I'm being perceived.  I'm coming in with a spanking background, a little bit of D/s mixed in with DD, and a monogamous relationship with my partner of 3 decades.  Old to some maybe, but I don't feel old enough to where that bothers me much just yet.  I myself appreciate mature seasoned couples and organically lean towards them to inexperienced young chickens. Mostly I want to represent well.  And by that, I suppose I mean Domestic Discipline even though our dynamic is not simply that nor exactly that, and much more (or less) than that depending on how one looks at it or practices it themselves.   

Above all, I don't want to be stereotyped because while I might be in part a spanko, I'm not purely that.  We don't practice DD in a way that makes us feel like we live in the era of Madmen when women were fighting for our rights while others were getting their grandchildren's hands stuck in a washtub wringer because the little one said she wanted to "help."  All I have to do is turn on the news for less than one 24 hour news cycle to see that many folks want to throw us women back half a century at least.  Believe it or not, I was writing this paragraph just before I heard about the SCOTUS draft in the United States regarding women's rights in Roe v. Wade.  Ugh. 

My partner and I are not weekend ass slappers and I know this because we spank on Wednesday nights as well.  Laughing.  And I know that term because I have a kinky friend or two who have been around the BDSM block, and probably tied to the block, and displayed across the block.......Anyway, we have more than one kind of paddle, one of which we rarely use and I named it THUD. We do more than spanking and I often have more than just a freshly spanked pink/red ass.  I'm not sure a session with the Loopy Johnny is even considered a spanking and may send a few running..... but, I can't explain all that and more in a few group chats let alone my first.  I don't have all the answers to what DD is for everybody, but I enjoy sharing what it is and isn't for us and I am eager to discover all the delicious and connective things that my husband and I might be able to add to our dynamic. 

But I've got to cross that D/s bridge of uncertainty and vulnerability if I want any answers -- what's on the other side and what develops as I walk one plank at a time in search of a deeper understanding of myself as a woman, a sub, and of my partner (and he of himself). It doesn't matter whether it's considered DD, D/s, TTWD, or AthruZ.   Along the way, I hope to discover more about myself as a friend to others who may or may not do many of the things that I do and vice versa, but who empathizes and lifts other women up instead of tearing them down.  There may be hurt and dishonesty that await me somewhere out there in my future, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and I'm willing to take the risk.  

How Sub Can You Go?

Submissive Writing Prompt #1    When did you first realise you had submissive feelings and how far have you embraced those feelings?

Way back in 1990, our very first spontaneous spanking activity occurred during sex --I literally hopped off of him, grabbed the ping pong paddle from the other side of the room, hopped back on top of him, handed it to him, and said, "Use this." And he did.  Doesn't sound very submissive, does it?  Actually, it sounds kind of dominant or in the very least, like topping from the bottom?  Laughing.  We'd never heard of that phrase thirty years ago.  (Wish I never heard of it now because of my misconceptions, but some nice people set me at ease on that recently.) Little did I know at the time that that impromptu spanking activity would lead us to dabble in a bit of D/s. I spent lots of time during our Borders Book Store days with Storm in the computer science section and me in the romance section. But, the rare kinky books were in the self-help section, the literature section, and even worse, the anthology section, and I only found that out by wandering while keeping my head sideways so I could read the titles. It was uncomfortable to stand in that section if someone else came along wanting to be in that same area, but pretended not to know what was really there.  I discovered the Sleepy Beauty trilogy, which was a lot for me.  I don't think that I made it past the first book. But, it obviously pushed some buttons that I didn't know I had.

I didn't really think too much about being submissive in any other way than I was the female and he was the male so that automatically made me the "s" part and him the "D" part. (obviously some couples are reverse or not cisgender, etc. :) ) I just thought I was kinky and Storm enjoyed being along for the ride.  We ordered a few things out of those sex toy catalogs that would show up in our mailbox, then after several more years when we began to have internet access from home, we ordered a vibrator and later a buttplug.  *Blink Blink*  Please don't fall over as I have NEVER mentioned that here or even to my closest kinky gal pals....  Umm, surprise?!  Those are allowed now, didn't y'all know?  Seriously, I am finally feeling a little more free to share some things that fall outside of what I was taught, what I felt, and what I misunderstood was tolerable on a dd blog.  Now that I am reeducating myself, (thank you to all my contributors, you know who you are) I know many gals and guys are more open minded than I originally was led to believe and I am definitely more open minded myself.  I imagine that I have scared exactly negative 3 people away with these comments, but if I have somehow chased someone off, then I am okay with that as well because this is the next right thing for me as a submissive wife and a blogger.  There, that was being mature about it, now let me say what I really want to say.  There's this old book called the  bible that talks about how we are hypocrites because we are quick to point out the splinter in someone else's eye when we should be examining the board in our own.  So before we judge what someone likes to put in their butt, maybe we should remove the giant stick out of our own.  How's that?  Laughing.  And, no, we do not practice CDD.  We practice a progressive (liberal) form of Christianity and we practice Domestic Discipline, but ne'er the 2 shall meet for us.

Back on track.  In 2009, I discovered Domestic Discipline online.  From one of my very first blogging posts in 2018, I shared: 

The kind of articles I found were surprising. The topics were well covered. Some of the articles were about how to spank your wife, the importance of a warm-up and aftercare, the HOH being thorough, why some women want to submit and follow their husbands as the leaders in their homes, the energy flow from male to female, among others. I was fascinated. I have no idea why these things spoke to me except that I knew I wanted to feel what it is they were talking about. I had never seen anything like this!

To answer the question of this post prompt,it is in that exact moment when I knew I was feeling submissive to Storm. I felt hot, embarrassed, sexually stimulated, and slightly nauseous reading it, but I was absolutely fascinated..... was this really me?  Or at least part of me?  Did I want this?  Would Storm do this with me?  When we had a discussion after we both had time to read many of the articles on that site, we found some of it too intense for us (we're all about consent), too over the top regarding bringing religion into it, and so we left a lot of that alone.  However : 

What did appeal to us was the explanations of reasons for the different kinds of spankings, the sort of catharsis a woman can feel after her husband has spanked her, stress relief, the message that a woman wanting to submit to her husband in body and in mind was actually okay, how the husband might feel being more dominant, etc.

 So that was 12 years ago, but I remember that feeling well and it actually hit me hard (ha!) again recently when we both visited a DD website that we've never been to before.  Again, some of it was too over the top for us so I don't want to publicly share the link, but I felt nearly the exact same things as I did the first time when I was exposed to to a similar kind of DD site.  Spanking is mostly submissive for me, but so is kneeling, giving Storm blow jobs, making him lunch, making myself follow our few rules even when I am angry and I don't feel like it (still working on this one!), obeying his commands such as bending over when he tells me to and getting naked when he wants to get up in my lady business.......  some of that turns me on immediately ......other things take the edge off of my irritated mood, some make me feel calmer, some I feel like his helper, but ALL of it makes me feel softer, more settled, feminine, and desired and therefore, tuned into my submission to Storm.

   

Twelve years later, how far have I embraced these feelings?   Not deeply enough, dear readers, not nearly far enough. Please stay tuned. 

Punishment and Reward?

Theoretical scenario:  If I am smarting off or being impatient with my husband, and then he spanks me, but then I just go on fairly soon back to the same behavior, doesn't  that mean that whatever we're doing isn't working?  If this dd thing is working for the reasons we set it up to be, I would think I would be getting less spankings...... wouldn't I?  *Looks around*  Wouldn't you?  

Of course, this brings out the obvious: that many of us are spankos. But, are we specifically choosing dd (and sometimes calling it ttwd) so that there are almost always spankings?  How can spanking be both the punishment and the reward?  I think this has been part of my own internal struggle.  For those of us who have things other than spanking or in addition to it that we desire and/or that "pushes our yummy buttons," I still ask the same question.  How can action by the dominant partner be administered and then received by the submissive as both the punishment and the reward? 

I understand that some have their dynamic set up where there is such thing as a reward type spanking.  But, for me, it can never be a reward because that doesn't fit in my ideal headspace.  It would fit nicely in the D/s area just like it used for me before I stumbled upon an area of opinion on the internet and led me into thinking classic dd was the only way to have the spanking thing work as discipline.  Looking back over my blogging years, I was and still am wanting to explore my submissiveness, but I was sometimes embarrassed around others (virtually) by that label because I learned not every wife associates spanking with submission (although I don't see how that is even possible unless it's only "play.")  Obviously dd is a label, too, but it was the very one that many of us were trying to find our place in, so there was a community that seemed to accept mainly that. 

It's my own fault for feeling influenced by statements such as, "My partner would never hurt me (punish).  Spank me, yes."  Huh?  First of all, semantics.  Second, if the spanking doesn't hurt, then no wonder why we keep going back to it.  We aren't intimidated by it.  It isn't a deterrent.  Because it's a kink?  Apparently one that is more about the idea of spanking, being told to bend over, and a bit of the feels of the physical impact sometimes followed by sex, which is fine, but for some of us it is not the complete answer.  

Even if it truly hurts enough or is just slightly more than one prefers, overall it still seems like a rewarding situation.  Or could it simply be the cycle of being disciplined for reasons established ahead of time, accepting one's punishment, and then cashing in the rewards of the whole dynamic?  If spanking is NOT a kink for you, then that is or can be a whole different ball game with a new set of rules.  I think.  

In his book, Spank Her!, the late great Devlin O'Neil offers some insight:

"There might be a girl who needs very much to be spanked, but who would never ask for such a thing. She may, however, go to great lengths to find a man who can satisfy that need, and then do whatever it takes to let him know what she requires. These are often girls who give themselves to one man only, and then only when he proves he will come and get her, then do whatever is necessary to sort her out. This girl desperately needs boundaries, and at the same time she will fight desperately against having any such boundaries imposed. Only when this man has shown her, usually by spanking her bottom hard and making her listen to him when he tells her that she has no choice but to accept the boundaries he thinks best for her, will she accept that he is in charge and come to him fully. She accepts this change of attitude gratefully, if not always graciously, but is the sort of girl who easily forgets the lessons of the past, so that he must repeat them often. She does not forget these lessons because she is stupid, but because it is too easy for feelings of insecurity to cloud her judgment, for her to lose that sense of his presence if she is not actually in his arms or across his lap, and for her to want to push the boundaries again, just to see if he is still there to..."

Hmm.  I think there are many angles to look at this.  What's your angle?  Please share with me.

Life is like ......

Some like it just barely browned and still slightly soft.  Others like it evenly browned and a little crunchy.  Still others like it very brown and quite hard.  And lastly, there are a few of us who like it partially burned so that it scrapes the roof of our mouths with that slightly bitter blackness sweetened with just the right amount of butter (not the fake stuff!)  There are always crumbs......... sometimes it's soft, scratchy, light, dark, patterned, half done, overdone....... By now your mind is either way in the gutter and you're wondering what sick thing Windy has discovered and  you're looking up "toast" to see what ridiculously disgusting thing the Urban Dictionary has said it is...... or you just know that I am talking about simple toast!  Okay, I just looked it up myself and was surprised to find nothing disgusting and actually one definition of toast is "a very hot guy."  Hmm, Storm is toast.  Yumm.

Some people like to give you just the crumbs.... ever had one of those relationships?  Pfft.  We get  burned out like toast that we've pushed down too many times to get it just right, but we left it in there way too long.   Right in the garbage that goes!   I bet the garbage's most common food is burnt toast.  Unless your mom was like mine and we'd smell the burn and hear the near frantic scritch scratch, scrape and she's standing over the sink with the toast and a darkened knife until the toast is a little less black but looks biffed and battered and frankly, like someone took a lit 60 grit sandpaper to it.  Apparently my mom never outgrew this habit because when my daughter was little, my mom gave her a piece of toast like that and she said, "Gwamaw, this toast is dirty!"  Obviously, we kept the toaster on "light" at our house.

Ever have somebody change the setting on the toaster and then it gets burned or not done enough so you press it out down for the 2nd time and it ends up burned even though you're standing right there watching it?  The problem is you were thinking about something else so you didn't notice until you started smelling the bitter burn!  

I know the popular phrase, "your ass is grass"......... but, if you're a D/s wife, it's more likely your ass is toast.  But, unlike toast, your ass does go back to the way it was:  all fresh with no pink and ready to be made toasty again!

This post was inspired by the phrase, "I’m afraid that there is no cure for burnout. After all, you can’t untoast toast."  -- Ella Dawson  

How do you like your toast and are you feeling like someone has pushed you down one too many times in the toaster? 

Religious Trauma by "Leaders"

 Storm and I were children when television evangelists were at their peak in the late 70's and early 80's.  When we turned 12, at our church, we were able to join the youth group.  We did many fun things with them outside of church, but our activities were often God-centered.  One such combination of God and fun was when our youth group traveled on a bus all the way to North Carolina to visit the PTL television set and campgrounds.  Our youth pastor removed all the seats in the bus and placed many mattresses from front to back so that we could sleep and travel at the same time.  All of our luggage went into the space underneath the mattresses.  

Yes, we actually saw Jim and Tammy Faye Baker in person.  We had a special tour of their mansion, which had a pool in it.  We weren't allowed to swim in the pool because our church leaders would not let us participate in "mixed bathing."  As teenagers, we spontaneously found a way around this.  As we were touring around the pool, one kid pushed another fully clothed kid into the water and it snowballed from there.  I took my shoes off, climbed onto the diving board and dove in jeans and all.  It was hilarious.  We actually have it on film.....old fashioned film on a reel.  All the adult chaperones got thrown in as well.  That and the air conditioned arcade was the best part of the trip.  Sitting in the audience watching Jim and Tammy Faye Baker was the worst.  I mean, it was interesting to see them in person, but television evangelists always made me feel something was way off.  I didn't know what it was at the time because I was just a child, but kids pick up on things that adults miss sometimes. (or they pick up on it, but don't think we kids did?)  This was just a few years before the big PTL scandal.  It was a major blow to our church.  So many of our parents had sent money to PTL and ordered special bible reading materials from there in support for their "ministry."  That has become a trigger word for me.   

One of the major root causes of my religious trauma is the clashing of the good with the bad. I don't simply mean the ups and the downs.  I mean innocence and allegiance rewarded with betrayal.  There are many other trigger words in the story above  --- church leaders, evangelists, mixed bathing.  All the good we thought PTL was doing and it was just a major rip off ...... we trusted our parents to bring good people into our lives and we were taught to revere people like Jimmy Swaggart (who later had his own scandal) and the Bakers ........ thankfully Billy Graham didn't mess up, but boy his son sure is a real peach in the evangelical circles these days.  Yeesh.  And the evangelicals mostly love him.  If you're reading this and it offends you, just stop reading because I'm not sorry.  He's a jerk and he does NOT represent his father's views like he claims. 

What I learned from the above situation is that I was right that something wasn't settling smoothly in my gut when it came to these evangelists.  We had some visit our church, too, and preach to us.  Most of them were loud and flashy and obnoxious -- in the name of God.  It was super emotional with adults and teens crying at the alter and standing in long lines to be anointed with oil and prayed over.  Some of these things clashed like loud thunder to me with what I thought God would want us to behave like instead ....... kind of quiet and humble with a soft reverence for Him and strong love for others.  There were people that presented themselves this way like my future husband, but there were enough that didn't......... sometimes the biggest offenders were the ones in the pulpit and on the tv screen.  

This is one reason why our 45th president makes me feel like something is really wrong in my gut.  My people put this man up on a pedestal, often in the name of God that 45 doesn't even pray to. (Fact.) He is just using Evangelicals to get votes. (My opinion.)  The fact that they're being fooled by him is one thing.  The fact that they "voted for him enthusiastically" as one person put it explains a lot. I don't care that someone has different ideas on how to run our country and spend our money.  Those things should be debatable and deals and compromises have to be made.  I understand that most Evangelicals feel they have to vote against  legal abortion.  I disagree, but we can debate that kind of thing all day.  What I cannot tolerate is that they vote for the most disgusting man in order to do so and they're tying him in with Christianity where he absolutely does not claim to belong.  It doesn't matter all the lies he tells or the sexually offensive things he has said on live tv as well as making fun of a disabled person at a rally........ this man is a charlatan and they're supporting him, loving him, and empowering him to be even more of an ass than he already is.   In the name of God.  Much like Jim Baker and others.  I won't be part of it.

They look at me and say you're wrong, Windy.  You are not seeing what you're seeing.  We can't see anything that he does wrong.  You're wrong.  Your gut is wrong.  You're not a good enough Christian because you don't vote for him.......  Good thing I know not to believe them, but it is still soul shaking when it happens.

That's a little bit about how religious leaders can be dangerous and how that ties into politics in the evangelical world for me.  All of this swirls around my brain nearly every day trying to make sense of it all and I absolutely cannot.  Thankfully, supporting the people of Ukraine has been something that most evangelicals in my life feel the same way as Storm and I do.  THANK GOD.  It is nice to finally agree on something again.  When you have that your whole life and then it suddenly goes missing in 2016 because of all the above and more, it's stressful.  Of course, now there is the Hillsong Documentary .....big Mega Church Scandal.  Storm and I are in the middle of watching it.  Yikes! 

 

Humor Among the Angst

 Storm and I went to bed early the other night so that we could talk a bit before we tried to fall asleep.  I was vague here last week when I said we were leaving some dd behind for now.  What I meant specifically is the aspect of Storm having to make in the moment judgments on if my behavior or spoken words were uncalled for type thing.  From my view, there were many times over the past several years where he should have recognized my smart mouth and delivered some consequences for it.  That never really happened.  We had maintenance type spankings with reminders and some of what we called role affirmation.  We had many discussions about why he couldn't identify the error of my ways let alone follow through with a spanking.  He always said he was trying, still wanted to try, was looking for it, would keep practicing, etc.  Why would I doubt him?  Okay, well, that can only happen so many dang times with so many implosions before I am just going to say fuck it all.  And I did.  But, the problem is that I didn't want to ....... and Storm claims that he loves the extra intimacy that ttwd gave us......... but the man was and is quite concerned that he is going to cross some forbidden line ...... he doesn't want to hurt me .......  I can't think of anything in the realm of our possibilities where he could hurt me.  Good grief.  I don't know what it is that he is afraid of, but he says he doesn't want to do anything that I don't want to do.  Okay, neither do I, but well power dynamics don't exactly work like that, Dear.  You gotta step up or this is going nowhere.  And as far as not hurting me...... what he has been doing......the omission of his end of the deal, hardy-har-har, so to speak IS WHAT IS HURTING ME.  Duh!  

If it seems like I am being disrespectful, um, too bad.  I'm not intentionally being so.  I'm just being honest and calling it as I see it.  

So we have been building our intimacy, our touch, our sex life, me cooking for him, and a little spanking in the bedroom to build a foundation for whatever is to come.  For me, the spanking in the bedroom type thing will never be enough.  It isn't what I am after in and of itself, but I did not tell him that because we're trying to Build Back Better. (thank you, Presiden Joe Biden, I now return that phrase to you, which isn't all that great anyway.)  I'm taking one for the team, so to speak to go back to simply spanking as foreplay.  Meanwhile, Storm is being careful not to go too fast, jump too far back in, waiting for me (WHAT?!) ...... but neither of us know what the other is truly thinking.  So we crawl into bed and I say, "Okay, let's talk about power exchange stuff. What do you think about that sort of stuff between us?"   Folks, all I was looking for was a beginning conversation, but you'd think I had asked for a major plan with flow charts and if-then statements with all possible scenarios.  Gimme a break.  Him, "Well, I'd have to think about it ......." And then silence.  What the fuck have you been thinking for the past however many months, what did you think we were working towards?....... I wanted to fucking scream.  I didn't.  Instead, I said, "Please do not do this to me," as the old familiar sinking feeling of 'he still has no idea' settled in with me for the night.  Lovely.  Somehow, I calmly managed something like, "I don't need plans.  Just spit ball it here with me, just talk out loud instead of thinking .....things you like that we do......."  etc.  And so, he did have a bit to say, but it was mostly a summary of what we've been doing.  As if I don't already know.  I was there, too.  Before I even got that out of him he had also said, "What do you think about power exchange?" or something that threw it back in my court (from my point of view.)   Nope.  Anyway, I don't know how that conversation ended.  It wasn't much of one. But, he was going to think about it so.........  yeah, think away. Geeze.  

The next day's duties carry on no matter what our ttwd status, so I went outside to see where he was to ask if he was going to run an important errand.  He was standing there with the dog on his leash..... the dog was laying in the yard.  "You boys having a man to man chat out here?"   Storm replies, "Yes, we're discussing how we're going to hump our bitches."  That is quite a comeback from "I have to think about it" the night before.  And, yes, I laughed.  The dog then gets up to greet me and sticks his snout straight into my crotch like he ALWAYS does with EVERYONE except Storm...... and I comment, "Well, he sure knows how to go after that with no hesitation," meaning, Storm should take his cues from the dog.  

I did not sleep well the night before and I went back to being pissed at him all day.   I made him lunch anyway even though I didn't want to ......... but, I'm only sometimes a bitch and not always, so there.  But after work in the evening when he didn't say much to me after my lunchtime confession to him that I wasn't happy with his response the night before, I flat out said, "Congratulations on completely messing all this up again between us."  And we spiraled from there.  Since then, there is one thing that I cannot get out of my head even though now we have resolved as much as we could 48 hours after my initial broach to a conversation about power exchange.  We actually had the conversation today that I wanted 2 nights ago....WAS THAT SO HARD?!  No, ma'am, it was not.  No, turns out who knew?  *raises hand*  I knew!  Me! Me!  I knew!  For fuck's sake. 

The one thing he said that he regrets saying, and claims it didn't come out right, yada yada..... was when I asked him why do I have to be the one to bring up the conversation about all this ttwd stuff ....... HE needs to do it. And he actually said, "Because you're the one that is unhappy."   I swear to God, I almost strangled him on the spot.  So then came an explosion from me, "Really?  Because I want kink in the bedroom, I'm unhappy? And you don't like this? (he does). Because I don't want straight vanilla lives, that means I'm unhappy? Something is wrong with me?  You're going to make me explain why I want this AGAIN?  Talk about hurting me.  Seems like you ought to be worried about hurting me in this way and not from some hypothetical thing you're going to do that accidentally hurts me."  That and, "I didn't know what you meant by power exchange."  Dear Baby Jesus, I am going to lose my mind.  This man is impossible to communicate with.  I wanted to check out of Dodge right that second.  Me, "You have no idea what we've been doing for the past 15 years?  You don't know what dominance is? Submission? We haven't done this stuff so many times.........."   Well after some back and forth about that, he clarified he knew what power exchange was, he just wanted to know my current definition of how it fits us...... or something like that.   The man is infuriating. 

After the calm power exchange conversation we finally had tonight, yes, initiated by him, I teased him and told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom tonight if he wanted (it's where I was half the night last night and where I know he doesn't want either of us to be)....... and he replied with a growl, "I want 2 bare butts, 4 cheeks in my bed tonight!!!!!! "  My bare ass in bed has become a protocol for over a year now...... his bare ass is optional, but I'm tired of the tighty-whities that sometimes look more like saggy-raggies, so one night I asked him if he wanted to get laid more often why doesn't he come to bed with no underwear?  He hasn't worn them at night ever since. 

Building back just as rocky as the first 3 million times..........  :) 

What kind of March Madness?

 Storm and I were basketball players our whole young lives and I even played on a scholarship in college, so we enjoy watching the NCAA tournament.  It's called March Madness because so many dang games are played at once on 4 different channels so it's hard to choose which ones to watch.  Lots of use of the "back button" on the remote control to check all the scores. So that is our favorite kind of March Madness, but we also had it in another form and that was finally being able to celebrate Christmas with my parents last week.  Wow, was that a long time coming.  I left my Christmas tree UP because I was determined to celebrate with my mom and dad.  Christmas in March!  (Covid exposure is to blame for the delays!)  We had a great time and even though we majorly disagree on almost all politics, we're all against Putin so that makes us on the same team again.  Yay!  That was a long time coming, too!  

On the relationship front between Storm and me, we're doing really well.  It's a relief to not have the tension that parts of ttwd caused for us.  Having been away from it for a while now, we have returned to our normal happily married selves.  And the sexiness has returned as well.  We didn't know where we were going to land, so we just held onto one another tightly through it all.  Touching is healing.  We are a touchy, feely couple anyway, but we have been extra so on purpose.  And we do have the spanking going on in the bedroom but without the dd.  I hope to post more on that later.  

So after a nice weekend together with lots of privacy and basketball watching and a sexy time during half time of one of the games, we crawled into bed with one another for the night.  I told him I had an important question to ask him.  "So you want to officially start some dd stuff again so we can start some conflict again and completely mess ourselves up?"  Laughing.  He chuckled and we decided that is NOT the kind of March Madness we need!  

So what kind of madness is threatening to mess up your March!  Or are you all holding strong?!

Making sense of it all - It takes a Village!

 Sometimes I feel that I have so much to say that I don't know where to start and how to finish, so I don't end up writing it.  I just think it...all around it, up and down it, and then don't write anything at all.  But, I have had a few times again recently where something has happened between Storm and me and I think, "Oh that needs to go on my blog!"  So here I go. 

The big thing going on here is that we are in discussions regarding how to formally make our ttwd active again.  And that makes me think 12 different things right there, right now, so I have to type like Kermit the Frog and get it all down before I lose it.  

Storm and I are doing really well.  We're like the "old us" or the "always us" that we have been for most of our lives.  It feels so good to spend alone time together and we get much more of that than we were getting for the past several years.  It was hard to officially stop the ttwd because we both care about that extra zing (and the swing)  (as in spanking, not swapping partners) that it brings into our marriage.  However, it was wise to do so even though it was hurtful to both of us. We needed to just heal some things and we've done that naturally.  So the thing is, while I miss the ttwd, I do not miss the angst that it caused me/us.  To the best of my memory here on my blog, I have said that it caused much more conflict between us than we had without it.  I would think we were on the same page about rules and spankings and a united front only to find out time and again that we were not.  I'm not going to blame Storm for all of it because obviously I'm being misunderstood or I am misunderstanding myself and who knows what else, but it was very frustrating.  Storm does have a difficult time communicating with others so that does lie on his shoulders more than mine. But it was what it was.  We don't want "what it was" this time around.  We find ourselves negotiating from the very beginning again. 

It's hard to know where to go ........ we're most likely going to repeat what was.......... and that makes us both sit back and ask how can we truly make this work for us .......what did we do wrong ....... what did we do right?  What feels right now that didn't then and vice versa?   Do we even need ttwd to be our kinky selves?  Does spanking automatically go with our ttwd?  Can we do ttwd without the dd part? Can the spanking just be part of our "bedroom selves but without role play?  I ain't doing that because it has to feel real to me.  If the spanking doesn't feel real or have a reason, then what is it?  

So I called an old pal to have girl talk about it...... her name is Pepper, but you will most likely remember her as Nora Jean.  Laughing.  She's gonna kill me.  But, you all did meet Pepper once over on NJ's blog when she made a saucy role playing appearance at least once.  We know from her blog her and Frank's extensive d/s background and how it's always been a part of their lives.  Then came the dd for them.  Pepper was in there roleplaying somewhere, so I figured NJ might have some insight on how to make sense of this for me.

One thing I found interesting is that she asked me if I had a physical reaction to the spanking or was it all mental?  Because if it's physically stimulating (it is) and bringing in the nerves and the lady bits down there by my arse, then why do I need any other reason than it is stimulating?  I get that, but I don't wanna just go in the bedroom and have Storm whale on me (she wasn't suggesting that, but she did say something about spanking being erotic humiliation, but that is a whole 'nother post - lol)   ...... there has to be a reason or a lead up or something...... doesn't there?  Thus the possibility of role play for some, but it isn't for Storm and me.  So if we go with the mental part of it, that's where the dd comes in and seems like it has to be at the core of it all.   But, we're hesitant to try the dd part again because it's the part that failed us or we failed it.  Before we knew there was even such a thing, we just did our own d/s type stuff in the bedroom.  But, I was never quite sure what that meant and also, I'm not sure I only want to be submissive and spanked within the context of our sex lives.  

Okay, ttwd Village.......... what do you think?  Got any ideas about any of the questions we're asking ourselves?  

#AllTheButtons

 Show me the buttons....... I want to press ALL of them.  #ALLtheButtons!   Mostly it's when I don't get the attention that I know I deserve (spanking), so many times, I have tried to push him just a bit past his boundaries.  And now that we're not doing ttwd.....pfftttt his boundaries are out the window!  

And, heck yes, I mean it when I call him Nancy.  What is he going to do about it?  If he were on to me, he'd do the same thing he would do just as if we were still doing ttwd.  But, we don't have a current agreement, so he probably doesn't feel that he has my consent or ...... I don't know because I didn't ask him.  And I don't inform him that it would be okay with me or I would think it's kinky or whatever because I don't feel like revealing my vulnerability to him in that fashion even though I have done so many, many times in the past.  I just call him Nancy when he takes too long in the bathroom because I can get away with hit.  For now. :) 

Lately, I have been more focused on domestic things because I can't do much of my up-cycled furniture in the winter.  I could paint inside and I have, but ya can't paint what ya can't sand first.....so, I am back to having my focus on cooking.  Storm loves this.  He doesn't get mad at me when I don't cook, but when I do, he loves it.  I like to have some sort of creative outlet or expression.  The past few weeks have settled down for me emotionally and I feel rested in that way.  This has been healing for me and it's been healthy for our marriage.  I'm beginning to venture back into vulnerability with Storm and it's a relief to feel it coming naturally.  I don't know if that came first or the cooking did, but I feel more domestic.  It establishes a kind of routine to sit down and eat the meal together that I have prepared for us while the rest of the household is out and about.  I actually have been cooking servings of 3 or 4 instead of just 2 and then sharing them with Storm's mom and another loved one.  Yes, she is out of the hospital and back on track.  She's doing really well.  Let's not talk about whether or not she is going to be vaccinated when her natural immunity runs out.  I can't even.  I have to ignore it and just be a small blessing with the cooking which she very much appreciates and we have a few little texts here and there about that.  Keepin' it simple.  

Same with other loved ones who have different political (all) and religious views (some)....... things are just in a cooling down phase for me because I have no fucks left to give when it comes to any of this Trump crap.  I've given much more time and energy to all of that because I love my family, but I can only take so much.  My rule is that they are not allowed to discuss any of it with me. I have put my fingers in my ears and walked away singing, "I'm not listening because I told you I don't want to talk about this with you anymore," like a toddler, and I do not care.  Laughing.  I'm out!!  This has meant that certain family members don't call me as much and vice versa.  While that is hurtful in some ways, it's a relief in others. That is one way with dealing with some of the religious trauma, too. Sometimes one has to physically remove oneself to maintain her boundaries.  I have a lot to say about that, but haven't written it down yet.  I haven't forgotten that some of you may be wondering where I am at with that, so I hope to let you know sometime soon.  And I will try to explain how the political and the religious issues are all wrapped up into one big ball for Evangelicals, so it's hard for me to see them as 2 separate things. 

For now, it's about connecting with Storm through cooking for him.  It's interesting that it is bringing some ttwd feelings back to my mind.  I admit that it's the intimacy of the quiet in the kitchen and chopping herbs, spices. and veggies that engages my senses and I remember that it was part of our agreement that I would cook dinner for him as long as I was feeling well enough to do so. This is one of the things that made me feel more submissive and feminine.  No, food does not make me horny, so that is not what I mean. I already wrote a post a long time ago about keeping food out of the bedroom and keeping crumbs out of Storm's bed........ oh, unless I want to push his buttons, I might have to eat some goldfish (the crackers, not the pets, you sickos) on his side of the bed.  #AllTheButtons

On the 12th of NEVER

 One of my all time favorite quotes is from a book called Poisonwood Bible.  This historical novel made me laugh, shocked, surprised, angry, and a whole host of other emotions.  I read it during a time in my life where I was willing to recognize some difficulties that had built up in my first half century of dancing upon this earth.  Like it is for many, reading is an escape, but it also helps me feel a bit freer to contemplate, imagine, reflect on my experiences, hopes, and my needs. Even though I read that particular book with my own eyes, for the past several years, reading by way of Audible is my main way of inviting new ideas and new people (authors and others who love the same books) into my life.  I don't have what one might consider a book buddy where one of us is trying to show the other one the ropes, but I do have a couple of very close friends in my life who are readers outside my current scope and we sometimes share titles of the really, really good ones.  I do have to admit that I fall asleep many nights to true crime books.  I don't ever listen to them during the daytime unless Storm and I are on a road trip and we sync up and listen in.  But, night time is for the scary ones.  I have found an author or two who have superb narrators and I get lulled to sleep despite the subject matter.  Often it is challenging the next night to find exactly where it was when I dozed off and that aggravates me because it wastes my time.  I have listening, shivering, and then sleeping to get to! Did he kill another one yet?  No, that was fast forwarding too far because I don't remember this new victim or new plan are such things that I have to wade through before I find my spot again.  And, no, I don't want to set a timer because that's just more crap I have to type into my phone without my glasses on in the dark, so zip it!  ha! 

 So in the aforementioned book there is a young 12 year old gal named Ada whose father is a Baptist missionary in a hostile and poor foreign country with horrible living conditions, the Belgian Congo.  Ada is extraordinarily intelligent but mute. (kind of like Storm when we argue. Wait, I argue. He sits there trying to reinvent the wheel but telling me nothing about it. Pfft!)  We, as readers, however, get to read her thoughts that no one else in the book is privy to.  She, like her siblings, wanted the heck out of Dodge for many reasons, but there was no way of escaping or getting her father to be reasonable (he's a fanatical Evangelical nutjob.)  Ada thought that he would get a hold of his mind and get them the heck back to America exactly "On the 12th of Never!"  I laughed so hard.  Good luck getting any Evangelical to stop some of their ways if they are way over the top.  Stop what? Jesus take aaaaaaall the wheels!  Even the more mainstream ones are challenging to deal with.  I know this because I have been doing so from the time I took my first asthmatic breath until this very night. 

In my mind, especially at night and sometimes early in the mornings when I awake, I have written dozens of posts over the past year, but as you know my words made it here on the 12th of Never!  They're all just stuck in my head, pushed aside, or forgotten.  But, in my heart, I have been here in blogland and I even chuckle to myself when I think of something that I know would make some of you laugh.  

We all know the world is crazy right now with Covid.  As I begin writing this, it's the Sunday night before many people return to work or school tomorrow and we all face the same danger.  For those of us who accept science even when it is above what we can scientifically personally understand, it makes enough sense that we trust vetted, experienced and peer reviewed epidemiologists and immunologists at prestigious universities, etc.  to give us guidance.  I swear if I hear one more time that, "Well, we are receiving mixed messages and that doctors disagree with one another, so who should we trust when it comes to the vaccines," I am gonna scream.  Or I will type just as I did last week to someone, "Please quit sending me MISINFORMATION from this idiot osteopathic doctor with no studies to his own credit but his fly by night MISINTERPRETATION  of someone else's study of which the researchers say he's completely wrong anyway! I have tried for the past 5 years to present facts to others' fiction and effed up science and I am done wasting my time.  Now, I just say STOP talking to me about it, period! 

So why am I sharing my thoughts on these things now and not so much 2 years ago or over the past year?  Because Storm's unvaccinated mother is in the ER for the past 48 hours with Covid, being treated in the emergency room itself  because there are no hospital beds available here to actually move her to the Covid ward. (She got a bed Monday night. It's now Wednesday as I am editing this.) Blood clots on her lung.  Right now, her oxygen is good, but they are trying to lower the level that they're giving her to see if she can sustain it on her own.  The next couple of days will determine if she is given whatever drug. What a mess.  We feel horrible for her, but no way are we going to visit even though it is allowed for 1 person per day all masked and suited up.  

It's not really a surprise that this is happening because, duh.  Storm was on the receiving end of his mother's wrath this summer when he told her she needed to get vaccinated.  His family is extremely private to the point where no one knows anything about anyone else until something major (usually bad) happens.  He has many siblings and they've all been extremely concerned the past 2 weeks while his mom remains passive aggressive and refused to get medical help until she got really bad because as she told Storm this summer, she "felt her asthma was under control and if I take my vitamins, I should be fine.  It's not that I am against the vaccine, it's just I don't think I need it. And it doesn't affect anyone but me."  He explained to her that it would affect other people....... she told him don't come to her house to lecture her.  Good grief.  That isn't what he was doing and he is educated......she should be proud of him and take his dang advice.  Grrrr.  We didn't see her all summer or fall because we're not putting ourselves at risk because of my health problems, mainly lifelong asthma.  Now she is in the hospital.  Storm is not glad that he was right about what would happen if she didn't get her vaccine.  So many worries, scary decisions for her kids.  So many healthcare workers taking care of her and ......well, you get it.  

Anyway, the whole world is dealing with Covid.  Here in the US we are dealing with science deniers (I know other countries have that, too, but I don't understand it because why it's so political here, is it political there, too? Seems like it.)  Also here, we have to deal with the extreme right ... the religious right...... the Capitol stormers, Evangelicals = OUR WHOLE FAM DAMILY on both sides!  My God in heaven, help us all. 

 For myself, I am dealing with all of that plus I have finally begun to address my own religious trauma and let me tell you it is tough.  Most people deconstruct, but some of us want to reconstruct as well ....... I am learning some authors and bloggers and podcasters who talk about these experiences and other closely related ones.  Some of them are Jen Hatmaker, Glennon Doyle, Jamie Lee Finch, John Paplovitz, and Brene Brown.  I don't know where I am going to end up but acceptance that my religious trauma is real and very much alive to this day is where I am at.  I'm listening to many stories that strike uncannily close to home.  Not sure when I will land in a safe spot religiously or with this whole Covid thing.  So like Ada has said, probably on the 12th of Never!