Sometimes I feel that I have so much to say that I don't know where to start and how to finish, so I don't end up writing it. I just think it...all around it, up and down it, and then don't write anything at all. But, I have had a few times again recently where something has happened between Storm and me and I think, "Oh that needs to go on my blog!" So here I go.
The big thing going on here is that we are in discussions regarding how to formally make our ttwd active again. And that makes me think 12 different things right there, right now, so I have to type like Kermit the Frog and get it all down before I lose it.
Storm and I are doing really well. We're like the "old us" or the "always us" that we have been for most of our lives. It feels so good to spend alone time together and we get much more of that than we were getting for the past several years. It was hard to officially stop the ttwd because we both care about that extra zing (and the swing) (as in spanking, not swapping partners) that it brings into our marriage. However, it was wise to do so even though it was hurtful to both of us. We needed to just heal some things and we've done that naturally. So the thing is, while I miss the ttwd, I do not miss the angst that it caused me/us. To the best of my memory here on my blog, I have said that it caused much more conflict between us than we had without it. I would think we were on the same page about rules and spankings and a united front only to find out time and again that we were not. I'm not going to blame Storm for all of it because obviously I'm being misunderstood or I am misunderstanding myself and who knows what else, but it was very frustrating. Storm does have a difficult time communicating with others so that does lie on his shoulders more than mine. But it was what it was. We don't want "what it was" this time around. We find ourselves negotiating from the very beginning again.
It's hard to know where to go ........ we're most likely going to repeat what was.......... and that makes us both sit back and ask how can we truly make this work for us .......what did we do wrong ....... what did we do right? What feels right now that didn't then and vice versa? Do we even need ttwd to be our kinky selves? Does spanking automatically go with our ttwd? Can we do ttwd without the dd part? Can the spanking just be part of our "bedroom selves but without role play? I ain't doing that because it has to feel real to me. If the spanking doesn't feel real or have a reason, then what is it?
So I called an old pal to have girl talk about it...... her name is Pepper, but you will most likely remember her as Nora Jean. Laughing. She's gonna kill me. But, you all did meet Pepper once over on NJ's blog when she made a saucy role playing appearance at least once. We know from her blog her and Frank's extensive d/s background and how it's always been a part of their lives. Then came the dd for them. Pepper was in there roleplaying somewhere, so I figured NJ might have some insight on how to make sense of this for me.
One thing I found interesting is that she asked me if I had a physical reaction to the spanking or was it all mental? Because if it's physically stimulating (it is) and bringing in the nerves and the lady bits down there by my arse, then why do I need any other reason than it is stimulating? I get that, but I don't wanna just go in the bedroom and have Storm whale on me (she wasn't suggesting that, but she did say something about spanking being erotic humiliation, but that is a whole 'nother post - lol) ...... there has to be a reason or a lead up or something...... doesn't there? Thus the possibility of role play for some, but it isn't for Storm and me. So if we go with the mental part of it, that's where the dd comes in and seems like it has to be at the core of it all. But, we're hesitant to try the dd part again because it's the part that failed us or we failed it. Before we knew there was even such a thing, we just did our own d/s type stuff in the bedroom. But, I was never quite sure what that meant and also, I'm not sure I only want to be submissive and spanked within the context of our sex lives.
Okay, ttwd Village.......... what do you think? Got any ideas about any of the questions we're asking ourselves?