Monday, February 21, 2022

Making sense of it all - It takes a Village!

 Sometimes I feel that I have so much to say that I don't know where to start and how to finish, so I don't end up writing it.  I just think it...all around it, up and down it, and then don't write anything at all.  But, I have had a few times again recently where something has happened between Storm and me and I think, "Oh that needs to go on my blog!"  So here I go. 

The big thing going on here is that we are in discussions regarding how to formally make our ttwd active again.  And that makes me think 12 different things right there, right now, so I have to type like Kermit the Frog and get it all down before I lose it.  


Storm and I are doing really well.  We're like the "old us" or the "always us" that we have been for most of our lives.  It feels so good to spend alone time together and we get much more of that than we were getting for the past several years.  It was hard to officially stop the ttwd because we both care about that extra zing (and the swing)  (as in spanking, not swapping partners) that it brings into our marriage.  However, it was wise to do so even though it was hurtful to both of us. We needed to just heal some things and we've done that naturally.  So the thing is, while I miss the ttwd, I do not miss the angst that it caused me/us.  To the best of my memory here on my blog, I have said that it caused much more conflict between us than we had without it.  I would think we were on the same page about rules and spankings and a united front only to find out time and again that we were not.  I'm not going to blame Storm for all of it because obviously I'm being misunderstood or I am misunderstanding myself and who knows what else, but it was very frustrating.  Storm does have a difficult time communicating with others so that does lie on his shoulders more than mine. But it was what it was.  We don't want "what it was" this time around.  We find ourselves negotiating from the very beginning again. 

It's hard to know where to go ........ we're most likely going to repeat what was.......... and that makes us both sit back and ask how can we truly make this work for us .......what did we do wrong ....... what did we do right?  What feels right now that didn't then and vice versa?   Do we even need ttwd to be our kinky selves?  Does spanking automatically go with our ttwd?  Can we do ttwd without the dd part? Can the spanking just be part of our "bedroom selves but without role play?  I ain't doing that because it has to feel real to me.  If the spanking doesn't feel real or have a reason, then what is it?  

So I called an old pal to have girl talk about it...... her name is Pepper, but you will most likely remember her as Nora Jean.  Laughing.  She's gonna kill me.  But, you all did meet Pepper once over on NJ's blog when she made a saucy role playing appearance at least once.  We know from her blog her and Frank's extensive d/s background and how it's always been a part of their lives.  Then came the dd for them.  Pepper was in there roleplaying somewhere, so I figured NJ might have some insight on how to make sense of this for me.

One thing I found interesting is that she asked me if I had a physical reaction to the spanking or was it all mental?  Because if it's physically stimulating (it is) and bringing in the nerves and the lady bits down there by my arse, then why do I need any other reason than it is stimulating?  I get that, but I don't wanna just go in the bedroom and have Storm whale on me (she wasn't suggesting that, but she did say something about spanking being erotic humiliation, but that is a whole 'nother post - lol)   ...... there has to be a reason or a lead up or something...... doesn't there?  Thus the possibility of role play for some, but it isn't for Storm and me.  So if we go with the mental part of it, that's where the dd comes in and seems like it has to be at the core of it all.   But, we're hesitant to try the dd part again because it's the part that failed us or we failed it.  Before we knew there was even such a thing, we just did our own d/s type stuff in the bedroom.  But, I was never quite sure what that meant and also, I'm not sure I only want to be submissive and spanked within the context of our sex lives.  

Okay, ttwd Village.......... what do you think?  Got any ideas about any of the questions we're asking ourselves?  


20 comments:

  1. Hi Windy,

    Great to hear from you. I remember NJ and miss her blog.

    I'm glad to hear you and Storm are doing well and looking to re-introduce ttwd. It can be hard to know how to go about it and my only real advice would be to take things slowly and focus on the aspects of ttwd that worked for you. If rules, consequences etc didn't work for example, leave them out.

    Any ttwd here has been for fun, and a prelude to sex for some time now. Spanking for me is both mental and physical, well, depending on the level of intensity lol.

    Hugs
    Roz

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    1. Hi, Roz! Okay, something weird is going on with my missing comments. Perhaps it's my brain? haha

      Can we just officially name spanking as "Prelude to Sex?" Laughing. It so is for us!!

      Hugs! Thanks for the help! Windy

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  2. I'd love to help, but you know I'm not the one to ask. The starting and restarting and getting it all wrong was too painful for me so I just stopped period. Nick occasionally likes me to role play and I do because he request it and I love him. But it's nothing I can really enjoy. I've longed for realism all my life and that's what I was looking for.

    As for you guys, you are already doing it right. You're talking! Perfect. Maybe you can agree to give different aspect a few trial runs, maybe a couple of weeks. Heck, you can even keep notes on the good the bad and the ugly and talk about them and how you each felt about certain things. I think as long as you're talking, it's working.

    Tell NJ we all say hey!

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    1. Hey, PK! I thought I answered your comment, but I don't see it, so I guess not! Sorry!

      I know you are no stranger to the stopping and starting. Dang that is hard emotionally.

      Talking is huge....communicating effectively is more than just talking, I am finding out. LOL Oh boy!

      I like the idea of some trial runs and taking notes, etc. Thanks for the suggestions and encouragement! Hugs, Windy

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  3. I hope Nora is doing well.

    I'm not sure I have anything useful to offer in terms of re-designing your approach. Spanking for me -- as the person administering them -- is more like "I feel like giving you a spanking" than anything resembling discipline. So regarding your question about whether something needs to "lead up" to a spanking, I'd say no. But I suspect you would maybe think otherwise.

    I wonder though, whether spanking is causing the angst? Or if the "I deserve a spanking" (you) versus "I am going to spank you for that" (him) expectations are causing the angst. Because if you're going to redesign your TTWD with 'what went wrong' in mind, It's definitely going to be important to address the true root cause.

    Good luck!

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    1. Hey, Feve! She is! And she said you might have a good perspective on this and she was right about that, too. lol

      Okay...... my first question for you is his mindset when you tell him you feel like giving him a spanking and then do so? Second question is what makes you feel like giving him a spanking? Is it sexual, playful, annoyed, or none or all?

      Second, YES, the spanking is causing the angst when he does not recognize that I am being mouthy or have a bad attitude toward him ... there is no spanking unless I say, hey, do you feel anything wrong with this scenerio right now? Really, me being snotty is okay with you? Then he's like, "oh....." and will follow through but it nearly ruins it. It has to be organically from him for a disciplinary spanking. And yes, that is one of the main root causes of the angst....

      Thanks for the discussion. I appreciate it. Hugs, Windy

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    2. We're mostly playful with spanking, I'd say. I'm like, "Bring your cutie patootie over here-" and he's like, "Really??" and gleefully presents his backside. *laugh*

      If what you're looking for is behavior modification/correction... though "what you're looking for" could be all kinds of things, for all kinds of reasons, it just seems like that's what it is from your description... and that's where the disconnect is, then maybe taking spanking OFF the table for that purpose would benefit you both. Or *turning* the tables, and making spanking a reward? Because obviously there are things you like about it but from what you describe here, Storm seems unsure/uncomfortable with it being a punishment(?), maybe something less physical in nature would appease your need for discipline and hold equal appeal for him.

      (Not trying to give advice -- just thinking out loud.) :)

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    3. Thanks so much for answering. I am actually asking for your advice, so no worries. lol

      A reward spanking, eh? Interesting. I will think about it. I am going to ask Storm to read the replies and get his take on things, of course, as well.

      Yes, the disconnect is on the discipline spanking. I discovered very recently that Storm basically doesn't think I have ever done anything worth a spanking during our time of practicing dd. LOL OH.MY.GOSH. I'm just not sure what he was "trying" all that time, but I do know he was sincere about it and we did do spanking, it just occurred for maintenance which worked for both of us and for some sexy times, too. Basically, I think we were fine before we ran into all these ttwd people online! LMAO Then I felt like there was a certain way we HAD to do it although only 1 person made me feel that way and everybody else was always supportive as they are now, too.

      Taking spanking off the table.... perhaps for discipline reasons, yes, since that is our struggle. But, can't take spanking off the table completely because for me, it is all about the spanking. Gah!

      Thanks for spending time on me with this here, Feve. It's helpful to talk about it. Hugs, Windy

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  4. I think there is definitely ways to get this to be workable but I can't tell from what you wrote what both of your issues were. You were quite vague on that, so I'm not sure to how to suggest a solution.

    Your point on him not acting forcefully on his own with your behavior however, is a specific lament that in the decades of my online reading of DD couples of BOTH gender dynamics I've only seen maybe 3,795,167 times. This makes it 3,795,168. LOL. So you're not alone. Talking can help but it won't change the underlying causes for this....which are numerous and have been written about many times, because the simple solution is wrapped in a Catch22: subs want their Tops to mindread and Tops lack this mystical talent in most cases. However, openminded Tops are usually willing to accommodate their partners, but, like you say in your case, the sub is reluctant to be candid about their needs. So as a result, nothing works and probably never will..... unless these couples change partners or reach a compromise. And even if they change partners, they will likely just encounter a different set of issues. That's just what having a delicate, emotional, and tricky desire is like and "TTWD" definitely falls into that category.

    The thing that I learned in having different flavors of this relationship style with different people at different times in my life, is that there are people out there who desire TTWD on some level and never, ever, achieve it. They either have unwilling partners or are too shy to broach the subject, or whatever. And then there are those of us lucky enough to have a willing partner, but who "want" something the partner just doesn't have in them naturally. And despite their willingness for a middle ground, an accommodation with some help, the allure of the 'fantasy' is too powerful to allow appreciation of a workable compromise. The minute a person steps back from their rigid fantasy and asks themselves: what do I want versus what I absolutely need? what is my partner willing to give? and what is reasonable that would be good enough? the door to workable compromise swings open. The result is a measure of happiness and contentment far greater than those with nothing at all. Of course we can just stick to our envisioned 'way it should be' and be just as miserable as those with no outlet whatsoever.

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    1. Hi, KD! Oh gosh, that is just too funny that we are simply the newest on your list of over 3 million dd'ers who have filed the same complaint. Sorry for the vagueness... but the main problem is what you identified indeed. I have been candid about my needs with my husband mostly all along and he is an attentive and caring listener. It's just that the past few months or more when we weren't actively practicing, we found that we needed to foster intimacy. Since that requires a deep level of vulnerability on both our parts, I wasn't capable of offering my vulnerability regarding my spanking needs at the same time.

      I like your comparison of the lure of fantasy versus a working compromise. That sounds much better than "settling." What I mean by that is getting a less than thrilling spanking versus no spanking at all..... like okay sex vs. no sex ... But a working compromise sounds doable for some reason.

      Thank you very much for taking the time to share your thoughts on this, KD. I know you have been around a long time and have a lot of experience and have witnessed lots of things in the ttwd world and I thank you for helping here. Hugs, Windy

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  5. I hesitated to respond to you as we do not practice dd..... though I have in the past. And to be honest I try not to think back to those days - it was not a healthy relationship and it nearly caused me major mental harm.

    BUT what I can say ....... I had this fantasy of living a life of total submission - being controlled by a strong Dominant. I wanted to be punished when I stepped over the line... I wanted to be praised when I did good. I wanted to be spanked for spanking sakes. OH the things I wanted. and truthfully I did get the control I thought I wanted....... and over a 10 year period that control stole my soul. I didn't realize how much until some friends dragged me kicking and screaming out of the relationship (figuratively speaking of course!)

    Sir Steve came into my life again - about 3 years post control - and the one thing he refused to support was the control - he would spank - he would praise - he would do just about anything I wanted - but he would NOT control or punish. He helped me find my strong self again..... and that was a very good thing.

    As for you and Storm - so many thoughts flow through my addled brain...
    Is Storm REALLY into dd??? maybe it goes against his grain to punish? Does he worry about actually hurting you? Maybe you really do enjoy spankings but your subconscious won't let you embrace spankings as good.. maybe the only way you can mentally accept spanking is if it is for a purpose ie punishment.

    Lordie can you see how I struggle with this???

    I just hope you and Storm can find a middle ground - a compromise - that will fulfill both your needs/wants.

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    1. Hi, MorningStar! I was wondering if you were going to weigh in. I'm glad you did. I appreciate your unique perspective. I'm so sorry you had a long time of being in an unhealthy relationship. Storm and I don't want that kind of dysfunction in our lives. I appreciate you being honest with me.

      One major thing that Storm and I have decided is that if we don't have a clear idea of what this all looks like, then we aren't going to start up the dd part again. It's just not worth the stress and frustration for either one of us. We have a very positive relationship outside of all things ttwd and I am at a place now that I can say I don't need it and I won't be hurt by it if he decides he doesn't want to do the dd part with him as "enforcer." So, no, he is not really into dd, but he has never said that and has always claimed he wants to keep trying. He enjoys the closeness we share with the parts of dd that we get right and he enjoys the power dynamic.....but being responsible for doling out discipline isn't his thing, I am realizing. But, we can adjust to make things fit "us." I appreciate your input whether you do dd or not. You have a vast experience and so I do appreciate what you have to say. I hope you always feel welcome to share here.

      And, yes, I have traditionally thought of spankings as bad..... I can't imagine them being good. LOL But, I can categorize them as sexy, so maybe that is where we start again.

      The struggle is real! LOL Thanks so much! Hugs, Windy

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    2. nodding - YES - see the spankings as sexy - that's how I see them :) and it works wonderfully (big cheeky grin)

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    3. Check on the sexy spankings! :)

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  6. ...the saga continues

    Anyway, years ago at the start of ttwd we did a 2 week trial. At the end of each day, not during the incident, B and I would sit down and discuss where he/I went wrong. If I had slammed the spatula down on the counter because of something he said, we would discuss how it made us each feel. We would talk about what would have worked out better in each situation for both of us. During this time period, we allowed ourselves to not expect the next day to be different, or acted upon as the night before. That doesn't mean it couldn't be, but the expectation wasn't there. Eventually B's mindset changed or was set free. He learned a bit more about how I view my reactions to how he did. As a friend once told him, " Maybe she is an angel, or maybe you've just become so accustom to not being able to react, you just don't see it" <- Rude right? I mean with friends like that!!! lol.

    I think in order for you to come to some sort of common ground it does start with you. I know, that sucks. You need to answer a few questions about yourself and your needs vs wants, so you have it clearer in your mind of what is required for you now, not back then. I know this isn't a popular mindset for some, but perhaps regular spankings every few days for a bit will help you bring down some walls you might have created. It may also build back something in Storm. These spankings shouldn't be to accomplish anything in your mind, if they do great, if they don't so be it. Often we put too much pressure on them to 'work' that they never can for both parties- especially after a break.

    Anyway, not sure if any of this dribble is useful or not...

    As difficult as it is to remember, we all view the past differently so days you thought were Great! Storm may not see them the same. Those have also been key talking points for us.

    Good luck!
    willie

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  7. Hey, Willie! I was waiting for your take on this! I'm glad you brought up some things for me to really sink my teeth into.

    I am fine with it starting with me and I do need to reevaluate wants vs. needs as I do think they have changed.

    Yes, your friend was rude. haha Seriously, she or he was right and that is what I just learned the other day from Storm -- that he didn't think I ever did anything bad enough to be spanked for. This shocked the heck out of me. No wonder why it wasn't working. LMAO God help us! What he meant when he said he was trying must have been he was trying to see me as acting bad enough for a spanking, but he just didn't see whatever it was as spankworthy, I guess. I must be an angel indeed just like you, my friend. LOL!

    Regular spankings is a reasonable idea.....the maintenance part of it always worked well for us. And it usually turned sexy after that. :)

    Thank you for the ideas and insight. Hugs to you! Windy

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  8. <<>>

    Hey Windy, And of course this is too long...lol

    I think over time most of us get to a point where you and Storm find yourselves- especially with the last 2 years running a different background 'soundtrack' in our minds. I remember years ago, feeling a bit of relief when *I* put a stop to our dynamic. I felt like we were running on full throttle, but getting nowhere, like a hamster on a wheel. During that break I learn a lot about myself. Things I had forgotten. For example, at some point back then I had flipped a switch and instead of offering my submission to B, I wanted him to take it. And ideally that is a great fantasy, but for *me* not the point of all of this. No you can not submit in a vacuum- but prior to that time in our lives, B augmented my submission and 'helped' when I slipped. There has been a lot of water under the bridge since then, and things have changed once more, but that is where I found myself at that stage in our relationship.

    That being said, I do have a couple of questions for you. When you led an organized Dd lifestyle dynamic, what did those rules do for you? Did you find you required accountability- to accomplish things or be the person you desired to be? Or did you feel the rules were a way of Storm noticing you in a way he hadn't before? A way that made you feel differently? How did Storm view the purpose of those rules? How many did he create by himself without your input? Did either of you find those ones ( if he did) had more value, were easier to keep than others?

    As for what you told us what NJ said- I think it actually can be both- physically stimulating, and mental. There have been times where my body has reacted when my mind has been elsewhere and vice versa. As you know we don't do erotic spankings, as in we don't set out with that in mind. We have tried over the years and it has been a disaster. LOL. There are times that B takes what he wants, and that has been more than fine, but it has to be for his pleasure in order for it to do something for me - submissive wise. I know you and I differ on the idea of sex being a submissive act so I'll leave it at that. What I was going to ask is during the Dd days, if Storm chastised you without a spanking lurking, did that do anything for you- not just submission wise but sexually? If I catch 'sh*t' as badly as it can feel, there is also something else going on *wink*. This is how I determined that for me it is more about the Dominance than it is about the physical that has me turn to goo. This is often why B would turn to other non spanking things to break down my walls and help my submissive side come out. Of course the physical used to be a fast track to that, but as time goes on with ttwd, we have discovered what once was an immediate solution became too relied upon and not just another tool in the box. ( again because I need the Dominance- to make it feel 'real' I guess). We call it 'setting the table' around here.

    off to part 2

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    1. The above was Willie's Part 1 that would not post for her for some reason, so I am putting it up for you all to digest. My short response late last night was this: Thank you so much for this. Your questions already have me nodding and going OMgosh, YES! lol Will have a real sit down with Storm soon and discuss these things you brought up. We had a nice talk earlier tonight ....... haven't decided much yet, oh except he liked your every day spanking thing that you suggested, so thanks for that! lmao Geeze!

      Talk soon.
      Hugs, Windy

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  9. just checking up on you.......... it's been awhile everything ok?

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    1. Hey! Thanks! Yes, I was just signing in to start a post. We're good. I will try to post soon! Hugs! Windy

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