Sunday, March 27, 2022

Religious Trauma by "Leaders"

 Storm and I were children when television evangelists were at their peak in the late 70's and early 80's.  When we turned 12, at our church, we were able to join the youth group.  We did many fun things with them outside of church, but our activities were often God-centered.  One such combination of God and fun was when our youth group traveled on a bus all the way to North Carolina to visit the PTL television set and campgrounds.  Our youth pastor removed all the seats in the bus and placed many mattresses from front to back so that we could sleep and travel at the same time.  All of our luggage went into the space underneath the mattresses.  

Yes, we actually saw Jim and Tammy Faye Baker in person.  We had a special tour of their mansion, which had a pool in it.  We weren't allowed to swim in the pool because our church leaders would not let us participate in "mixed bathing."  As teenagers, we spontaneously found a way around this.  As we were touring around the pool, one kid pushed another fully clothed kid into the water and it snowballed from there.  I took my shoes off, climbed onto the diving board and dove in jeans and all.  It was hilarious.  We actually have it on film.....old fashioned film on a reel.  All the adult chaperones got thrown in as well.  That and the air conditioned arcade was the best part of the trip.  Sitting in the audience watching Jim and Tammy Faye Baker was the worst.  I mean, it was interesting to see them in person, but television evangelists always made me feel something was way off.  I didn't know what it was at the time because I was just a child, but kids pick up on things that adults miss sometimes. (or they pick up on it, but don't think we kids did?)  This was just a few years before the big PTL scandal.  It was a major blow to our church.  So many of our parents had sent money to PTL and ordered special bible reading materials from there in support for their "ministry."  That has become a trigger word for me.   

One of the major root causes of my religious trauma is the clashing of the good with the bad. I don't simply mean the ups and the downs.  I mean innocence and allegiance rewarded with betrayal.  There are many other trigger words in the story above  --- church leaders, evangelists, mixed bathing.  All the good we thought PTL was doing and it was just a major rip off ...... we trusted our parents to bring good people into our lives and we were taught to revere people like Jimmy Swaggart (who later had his own scandal) and the Bakers ........ thankfully Billy Graham didn't mess up, but boy his son sure is a real peach in the evangelical circles these days.  Yeesh.  And the evangelicals mostly love him.  If you're reading this and it offends you, just stop reading because I'm not sorry.  He's a jerk and he does NOT represent his father's views like he claims. 

What I learned from the above situation is that I was right that something wasn't settling smoothly in my gut when it came to these evangelists.  We had some visit our church, too, and preach to us.  Most of them were loud and flashy and obnoxious -- in the name of God.  It was super emotional with adults and teens crying at the alter and standing in long lines to be anointed with oil and prayed over.  Some of these things clashed like loud thunder to me with what I thought God would want us to behave like instead ....... kind of quiet and humble with a soft reverence for Him and strong love for others.  There were people that presented themselves this way like my future husband, but there were enough that didn't......... sometimes the biggest offenders were the ones in the pulpit and on the tv screen.  

This is one reason why our 45th president makes me feel like something is really wrong in my gut.  My people put this man up on a pedestal, often in the name of God that 45 doesn't even pray to. (Fact.) He is just using Evangelicals to get votes. (My opinion.)  The fact that they're being fooled by him is one thing.  The fact that they "voted for him enthusiastically" as one person put it explains a lot. I don't care that someone has different ideas on how to run our country and spend our money.  Those things should be debatable and deals and compromises have to be made.  I understand that most Evangelicals feel they have to vote against  legal abortion.  I disagree, but we can debate that kind of thing all day.  What I cannot tolerate is that they vote for the most disgusting man in order to do so and they're tying him in with Christianity where he absolutely does not claim to belong.  It doesn't matter all the lies he tells or the sexually offensive things he has said on live tv as well as making fun of a disabled person at a rally........ this man is a charlatan and they're supporting him, loving him, and empowering him to be even more of an ass than he already is.   In the name of God.  Much like Jim Baker and others.  I won't be part of it.

They look at me and say you're wrong, Windy.  You are not seeing what you're seeing.  We can't see anything that he does wrong.  You're wrong.  Your gut is wrong.  You're not a good enough Christian because you don't vote for him.......  Good thing I know not to believe them, but it is still soul shaking when it happens.

That's a little bit about how religious leaders can be dangerous and how that ties into politics in the evangelical world for me.  All of this swirls around my brain nearly every day trying to make sense of it all and I absolutely cannot.  Thankfully, supporting the people of Ukraine has been something that most evangelicals in my life feel the same way as Storm and I do.  THANK GOD.  It is nice to finally agree on something again.  When you have that your whole life and then it suddenly goes missing in 2016 because of all the above and more, it's stressful.  Of course, now there is the Hillsong Documentary .....big Mega Church Scandal.  Storm and I are in the middle of watching it.  Yikes! 


Wednesday, March 23, 2022

Humor Among the Angst

 Storm and I went to bed early the other night so that we could talk a bit before we tried to fall asleep.  I was vague here last week when I said we were leaving some dd behind for now.  What I meant specifically is the aspect of Storm having to make in the moment judgments on if my behavior or spoken words were uncalled for type thing.  From my view, there were many times over the past several years where he should have recognized my smart mouth and delivered some consequences for it.  That never really happened.  We had maintenance type spankings with reminders and some of what we called role affirmation.  We had many discussions about why he couldn't identify the error of my ways let alone follow through with a spanking.  He always said he was trying, still wanted to try, was looking for it, would keep practicing, etc.  Why would I doubt him?  Okay, well, that can only happen so many dang times with so many implosions before I am just going to say fuck it all.  And I did.  But, the problem is that I didn't want to ....... and Storm claims that he loves the extra intimacy that ttwd gave us......... but the man was and is quite concerned that he is going to cross some forbidden line ...... he doesn't want to hurt me .......  I can't think of anything in the realm of our possibilities where he could hurt me.  Good grief.  I don't know what it is that he is afraid of, but he says he doesn't want to do anything that I don't want to do.  Okay, neither do I, but well power dynamics don't exactly work like that, Dear.  You gotta step up or this is going nowhere.  And as far as not hurting me...... what he has been doing......the omission of his end of the deal, hardy-har-har, so to speak IS WHAT IS HURTING ME.  Duh!  

If it seems like I am being disrespectful, um, too bad.  I'm not intentionally being so.  I'm just being honest and calling it as I see it.  

So we have been building our intimacy, our touch, our sex life, me cooking for him, and a little spanking in the bedroom to build a foundation for whatever is to come.  For me, the spanking in the bedroom type thing will never be enough.  It isn't what I am after in and of itself, but I did not tell him that because we're trying to Build Back Better. (thank you, Presiden Joe Biden, I now return that phrase to you, which isn't all that great anyway.)  I'm taking one for the team, so to speak to go back to simply spanking as foreplay.  Meanwhile, Storm is being careful not to go too fast, jump too far back in, waiting for me (WHAT?!) ...... but neither of us know what the other is truly thinking.  So we crawl into bed and I say, "Okay, let's talk about power exchange stuff. What do you think about that sort of stuff between us?"   Folks, all I was looking for was a beginning conversation, but you'd think I had asked for a major plan with flow charts and if-then statements with all possible scenarios.  Gimme a break.  Him, "Well, I'd have to think about it ......." And then silence.  What the fuck have you been thinking for the past however many months, what did you think we were working towards?....... I wanted to fucking scream.  I didn't.  Instead, I said, "Please do not do this to me," as the old familiar sinking feeling of 'he still has no idea' settled in with me for the night.  Lovely.  Somehow, I calmly managed something like, "I don't need plans.  Just spit ball it here with me, just talk out loud instead of thinking .....things you like that we do......."  etc.  And so, he did have a bit to say, but it was mostly a summary of what we've been doing.  As if I don't already know.  I was there, too.  Before I even got that out of him he had also said, "What do you think about power exchange?" or something that threw it back in my court (from my point of view.)   Nope.  Anyway, I don't know how that conversation ended.  It wasn't much of one. But, he was going to think about it so.........  yeah, think away. Geeze.  

The next day's duties carry on no matter what our ttwd status, so I went outside to see where he was to ask if he was going to run an important errand.  He was standing there with the dog on his leash..... the dog was laying in the yard.  "You boys having a man to man chat out here?"   Storm replies, "Yes, we're discussing how we're going to hump our bitches."  That is quite a comeback from "I have to think about it" the night before.  And, yes, I laughed.  The dog then gets up to greet me and sticks his snout straight into my crotch like he ALWAYS does with EVERYONE except Storm...... and I comment, "Well, he sure knows how to go after that with no hesitation," meaning, Storm should take his cues from the dog.  

I did not sleep well the night before and I went back to being pissed at him all day.   I made him lunch anyway even though I didn't want to ......... but, I'm only sometimes a bitch and not always, so there.  But after work in the evening when he didn't say much to me after my lunchtime confession to him that I wasn't happy with his response the night before, I flat out said, "Congratulations on completely messing all this up again between us."  And we spiraled from there.  Since then, there is one thing that I cannot get out of my head even though now we have resolved as much as we could 48 hours after my initial broach to a conversation about power exchange.  We actually had the conversation today that I wanted 2 nights ago....WAS THAT SO HARD?!  No, ma'am, it was not.  No, turns out who knew?  *raises hand*  I knew!  Me! Me!  I knew!  For fuck's sake. 

The one thing he said that he regrets saying, and claims it didn't come out right, yada yada..... was when I asked him why do I have to be the one to bring up the conversation about all this ttwd stuff ....... HE needs to do it. And he actually said, "Because you're the one that is unhappy."   I swear to God, I almost strangled him on the spotSo then came an explosion from me, "Really?  Because I want kink in the bedroom, I'm unhappy? And you don't like this? (he does). Because I don't want straight vanilla lives, that means I'm unhappy? Something is wrong with me?  You're going to make me explain why I want this AGAIN?  Talk about hurting me.  Seems like you ought to be worried about hurting me in this way and not from some hypothetical thing you're going to do that accidentally hurts me."  That and, "I didn't know what you meant by power exchange."  Dear Baby Jesus, I am going to lose my mind.  This man is impossible to communicate with.  I wanted to check out of Dodge right that second.  Me, "You have no idea what we've been doing for the past 15 years?  You don't know what dominance is? Submission? We haven't done this stuff so many times.........."   Well after some back and forth about that, he clarified he knew what power exchange was, he just wanted to know my current definition of how it fits us...... or something like that.   The man is infuriating. 

After the calm power exchange conversation we finally had tonight, yes, initiated by him, I teased him and told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom tonight if he wanted (it's where I was half the night last night and where I know he doesn't want either of us to be)....... and he replied with a growl, "I want 2 bare butts, 4 cheeks in my bed tonight!!!!!! "  My bare ass in bed has become a protocol for over a year now...... his bare ass is optional, but I'm tired of the tighty-whities that sometimes look more like saggy-raggies, so one night I asked him if he wanted to get laid more often why doesn't he come to bed with no underwear?  He hasn't worn them at night ever since. 

Building back just as rocky as the first 3 million times..........  :) 

Monday, March 21, 2022

What kind of March Madness?

 Storm and I were basketball players our whole young lives and I even played on a scholarship in college, so we enjoy watching the NCAA tournament.  It's called March Madness because so many dang games are played at once on 4 different channels so it's hard to choose which ones to watch.  Lots of use of the "back button" on the remote control to check all the scores. So that is our favorite kind of March Madness, but we also had it in another form and that was finally being able to celebrate Christmas with my parents last week.  Wow, was that a long time coming.  I left my Christmas tree UP because I was determined to celebrate with my mom and dad.  Christmas in March!  (Covid exposure is to blame for the delays!)  We had a great time and even though we majorly disagree on almost all politics, we're all against Putin so that makes us on the same team again.  Yay!  That was a long time coming, too!  

On the relationship front between Storm and me, we're doing really well.  It's a relief to not have the tension that parts of ttwd caused for us.  Having been away from it for a while now, we have returned to our normal happily married selves.  And the sexiness has returned as well.  We didn't know where we were going to land, so we just held onto one another tightly through it all.  Touching is healing.  We are a touchy, feely couple anyway, but we have been extra so on purpose.  And we do have the spanking going on in the bedroom but without the dd.  I hope to post more on that later.  

So after a nice weekend together with lots of privacy and basketball watching and a sexy time during half time of one of the games, we crawled into bed with one another for the night.  I told him I had an important question to ask him.  "So you want to officially start some dd stuff again so we can start some conflict again and completely mess ourselves up?"  Laughing.  He chuckled and we decided that is NOT the kind of March Madness we need!  

So what kind of madness is threatening to mess up your March!  Or are you all holding strong?!