Storm and I went to bed early the other night so that we could talk a bit before we tried to fall asleep. I was vague here last week when I said we were leaving some dd behind for now. What I meant specifically is the aspect of Storm having to make in the moment judgments on if my behavior or spoken words were uncalled for type thing. From my view, there were many times over the past several years where he should have recognized my smart mouth and delivered some consequences for it. That never really happened. We had maintenance type spankings with reminders and some of what we called role affirmation. We had many discussions about why he couldn't identify the error of my ways let alone follow through with a spanking. He always said he was trying, still wanted to try, was looking for it, would keep practicing, etc. Why would I doubt him? Okay, well, that can only happen so many dang times with so many implosions before I am just going to say fuck it all. And I did. But, the problem is that I didn't want to ....... and Storm claims that he loves the extra intimacy that ttwd gave us......... but the man was and is quite concerned that he is going to cross some forbidden line ...... he doesn't want to hurt me ....... I can't think of anything in the realm of our possibilities where he could hurt me. Good grief. I don't know what it is that he is afraid of, but he says he doesn't want to do anything that I don't want to do. Okay, neither do I, but well power dynamics don't exactly work like that, Dear. You gotta step up or this is going nowhere. And as far as not hurting me...... what he has been doing......the omission of his end of the deal, hardy-har-har, so to speak IS WHAT IS HURTING ME. Duh!
If it seems like I am being disrespectful, um, too bad. I'm not intentionally being so. I'm just being honest and calling it as I see it.
So we have been building our intimacy, our touch, our sex life, me cooking for him, and a little spanking in the bedroom to build a foundation for whatever is to come. For me, the spanking in the bedroom type thing will never be enough. It isn't what I am after in and of itself, but I did not tell him that because we're trying to Build Back Better. (thank you, Presiden Joe Biden, I now return that phrase to you, which isn't all that great anyway.) I'm taking one for the team, so to speak to go back to simply spanking as foreplay. Meanwhile, Storm is being careful not to go too fast, jump too far back in, waiting for me (WHAT?!) ...... but neither of us know what the other is truly thinking. So we crawl into bed and I say, "Okay, let's talk about power exchange stuff. What do you think about that sort of stuff between us?" Folks, all I was looking for was a beginning conversation, but you'd think I had asked for a major plan with flow charts and if-then statements with all possible scenarios. Gimme a break. Him, "Well, I'd have to think about it ......." And then silence. What the fuck have you been thinking for the past however many months, what did you think we were working towards?....... I wanted to fucking scream. I didn't. Instead, I said, "Please do not do this to me," as the old familiar sinking feeling of 'he still has no idea' settled in with me for the night. Lovely. Somehow, I calmly managed something like, "I don't need plans. Just spit ball it here with me, just talk out loud instead of thinking .....things you like that we do......." etc. And so, he did have a bit to say, but it was mostly a summary of what we've been doing. As if I don't already know. I was there, too. Before I even got that out of him he had also said, "What do you think about power exchange?" or something that threw it back in my court (from my point of view.) Nope. Anyway, I don't know how that conversation ended. It wasn't much of one. But, he was going to think about it so......... yeah, think away. Geeze.
The next day's duties carry on no matter what our ttwd status, so I went outside to see where he was to ask if he was going to run an important errand. He was standing there with the dog on his leash..... the dog was laying in the yard. "You boys having a man to man chat out here?" Storm replies, "Yes, we're discussing how we're going to hump our bitches." That is quite a comeback from "I have to think about it" the night before. And, yes, I laughed. The dog then gets up to greet me and sticks his snout straight into my crotch like he ALWAYS does with EVERYONE except Storm...... and I comment, "Well, he sure knows how to go after that with no hesitation," meaning, Storm should take his cues from the dog.
I did not sleep well the night before and I went back to being pissed at him all day. I made him lunch anyway even though I didn't want to ......... but, I'm only sometimes a bitch and not always, so there. But after work in the evening when he didn't say much to me after my lunchtime confession to him that I wasn't happy with his response the night before, I flat out said, "Congratulations on completely messing all this up again between us." And we spiraled from there. Since then, there is one thing that I cannot get out of my head even though now we have resolved as much as we could 48 hours after my initial broach to a conversation about power exchange. We actually had the conversation today that I wanted 2 nights ago....WAS THAT SO HARD?! No, ma'am, it was not. No, turns out who knew? *raises hand* I knew! Me! Me! I knew! For fuck's sake.
The one thing he said that he regrets saying, and claims it didn't come out right, yada yada..... was when I asked him why do I have to be the one to bring up the conversation about all this ttwd stuff ....... HE needs to do it. And he actually said, "Because you're the one that is unhappy." I swear to God, I almost strangled him on the spot. So then came an explosion from me, "Really? Because I want kink in the bedroom, I'm unhappy? And you don't like this? (he does). Because I don't want straight vanilla lives, that means I'm unhappy? Something is wrong with me? You're going to make me explain why I want this AGAIN? Talk about hurting me. Seems like you ought to be worried about hurting me in this way and not from some hypothetical thing you're going to do that accidentally hurts me." That and, "I didn't know what you meant by power exchange." Dear Baby Jesus, I am going to lose my mind. This man is impossible to communicate with. I wanted to check out of Dodge right that second. Me, "You have no idea what we've been doing for the past 15 years? You don't know what dominance is? Submission? We haven't done this stuff so many times.........." Well after some back and forth about that, he clarified he knew what power exchange was, he just wanted to know my current definition of how it fits us...... or something like that. The man is infuriating.
After the calm power exchange conversation we finally had tonight, yes, initiated by him, I teased him and told him he could sleep in the spare bedroom tonight if he wanted (it's where I was half the night last night and where I know he doesn't want either of us to be)....... and he replied with a growl, "I want 2 bare butts, 4 cheeks in my bed tonight!!!!!! " My bare ass in bed has become a protocol for over a year now...... his bare ass is optional, but I'm tired of the tighty-whities that sometimes look more like saggy-raggies, so one night I asked him if he wanted to get laid more often why doesn't he come to bed with no underwear? He hasn't worn them at night ever since.
Building back just as rocky as the first 3 million times.......... :)