Tuesday, May 3, 2022

The Precarious Bridge of Uncertainty

The last bridge I can remember standing on as a teenager was a railroad bridge.  I was with adults and I couldn't believe they lead us up some kind of metal lattice tower of steps a hundred feet up in the air. Then they walked across these oily wooden planks that ran under and along tracks, a dizzying world visible below through the cracks.  What were we doing here? Was this even legal?  DO NOT LOOK DOWN.  Who wants to take this kind of risk? I felt dizzy, shaky, and like I didn't trust anyone around me lest they run into me and push me off the ledge either by accident or.... Wait!  Am I on a bridge and afraid of heights, or have I just found myself in my very first BDSM chatroom?  


I glance at the first two screen names of who has entered the room so far. Well, fuckbunny16 and her Dominant 16TimesADay seem nice and well suited, and uhhm, prompt anyway. Gosh, what am I doing here?  I swallow hard.  I'm here to learn, I remind myself.   Don't be scared.  DO NOT LOOK DOWN.  And then I go against my own orders and look down at my vanilla name and that of my partner and I feel like the most vanilla-ist sub that has ever vanilla'd.  I'm as  naked as store brand vanilla ice cream with no chocolate sauce, sprinkles, or nuts.  But then I remind myself that certainly about half of us here love a certain kind of nuts especially if they're a bit lopsided and come swinging in a kiwi looking sack and are attached between the legs of our Doms.   Yeah, I'm in the right place. 

The thing is, I'm truly trying not to look down and by that I mean I'm not looking down on anyone even if do feel a bit shaky and intimidated.  I try not to judge.  I don't want to be judged.  Been there done that, walked that emotional bridge, and burned it down on my way out. Eventually a little focus in the group comes around to me because I have asked a few tentative questions here and there and thrown in half a dozen sincere LOL's.  The group's sense of humor is the very first thing that puts me at ease.  I find the answers interesting.  And I don't wonder if anyone is lying, but I do wonder if they know what they're talking about because the last time I trusted someone when I was new to the environment.......eh. I get a little dizzy.  And even if they DO know what they're talking about, is anyone going to present themselves as knowing it all?  Because last time ........... eh. The memories are painful and I swallow thickly as I blink back a tear.  But, I keep going, and  I watch a little more, read back what I have missed, get every sub mixed up with their partners so I'm constantly having to double check if I am talking to a sub or dom or a man or a woman.  Subs often acknowledge their Doms in some way so that helps me assimilate.  

I don't want anybody to push me off the ledge and so far that hasn't happened, which is good because it took a lot for me to openly cross over to the WordPress Blogs bridge and I'm still a bit surprised I made it here for more than just a few minutes at a time.  Before the chat, I had looked around.  The buttons, my God, the rectangular buttons and the drop downs and the links and the writing prompts. I'm learning and treading the hyper-planks click by click.  Time for the chat. 

 I have been in other chatrooms in my life where the tension and competition is palpable and even a novice can see the patterns of who is siding with whom, who is leading, who is quiet, who might be a bit snarky, who is the one seeking the most attention when the first words on her lips after this meeting will be who she thinks the attention whore is......when the poor gal isn't that at all.  And what an awful term. And that was the vanilla internet almost 20 years ago. Sometimes even plain old vanilla is toxic. But that is not happening here.  Whew. 

I wonder how I'm being perceived.  I'm coming in with a spanking background, a little bit of D/s mixed in with DD, and a monogamous relationship with my partner of 3 decades.  Old to some maybe, but I don't feel old enough to where that bothers me much just yet.  I myself appreciate mature seasoned couples and organically lean towards them to inexperienced young chickens. Mostly I want to represent well.  And by that, I suppose I mean Domestic Discipline even though our dynamic is not simply that nor exactly that, and much more (or less) than that depending on how one looks at it or practices it themselves.   

Above all, I don't want to be stereotyped because while I might be in part a spanko, I'm not purely that.  We don't practice DD in a way that makes us feel like we live in the era of Madmen when women were fighting for our rights while others were getting their grandchildren's hands stuck in a washtub wringer because the little one said she wanted to "help."  All I have to do is turn on the news for less than one 24 hour news cycle to see that many folks want to throw us women back half a century at least.  Believe it or not, I was writing this paragraph just before I heard about the SCOTUS draft in the United States regarding women's rights in Roe v. Wade.  Ugh. 

My partner and I are not weekend ass slappers and I know this because we spank on Wednesday nights as well.  Laughing.  And I know that term because I have a kinky friend or two who have been around the BDSM block, and probably tied to the block, and displayed across the block.......Anyway, we have more than one kind of paddle, one of which we rarely use and I named it THUD. We do more than spanking and I often have more than just a freshly spanked pink/red ass.  I'm not sure a session with the Loopy Johnny is even considered a spanking and may send a few running..... but, I can't explain all that and more in a few group chats let alone my first.  I don't have all the answers to what DD is for everybody, but I enjoy sharing what it is and isn't for us and I am eager to discover all the delicious and connective things that my husband and I might be able to add to our dynamic. 

But I've got to cross that D/s bridge of uncertainty and vulnerability if I want any answers -- what's on the other side and what develops as I walk one plank at a time in search of a deeper understanding of myself as a woman, a sub, and of my partner (and he of himself). It doesn't matter whether it's considered DD, D/s, TTWD, or AthruZ.   Along the way, I hope to discover more about myself as a friend to others who may or may not do many of the things that I do and vice versa, but who empathizes and lifts other women up instead of tearing them down.  There may be hurt and dishonesty that await me somewhere out there in my future, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it and I'm willing to take the risk.  

Wicked Wednesday

Submissive Reflection

18 comments:

  1. I've never attempted a railroad bridge. Or a chat room. I can see the similarities though. *laugh* DON'T LOOK DOWN. (<--- read the book, by Jennifer Crusie!)

    Is this a recent experience? If so and it's something you're trying out: good for you!

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    1. Hi, Feve! Laughing! I do believe I read that book back in the day! And, yes, this is a new experience for me....and Storm! Thanks for cheering us on! Hugs, Windy

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  2. I love your writing style, and love the bridge analogy you have used here. Being the newby in an established chat group can be incredibly scary, but when welcomed with respect, can be so rewarding. I wish you many happy chat hours :)
    ~ Marie xox

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    1. Hello, Marie! What a wonderful surprise to see you here! Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I knew right away when I saw your bridge prompt what I was going to attempt to do with it. I have been itching for years to get my keyboard near some of your inspiring prompts. I'm thrilled to be crossing the bridge. Thank you so much for being a part of it today. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. You've been very kind to me regarding my writing. Thank you! Hugs, Windy

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  3. "who empathizes and lifts other women up instead of tearing them down." The world needs more people like you, Windy.
    But wait... chat rooms still exist??

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    1. Hi, Penolope! Thank you.  We women can be a difficult. Who knew?! lol I wouldn't go to a random chat on the internet.  However, it is perhaps a better experience when it is as Marie Rebelle referred to -- organized in nature. (In my piece here, screen names were fictional and exaggerated to reflect how I was feeling and any identifying details were omitted except for my own point of view.) Thanks so much for reading! Hugs, Windy

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  4. Hey there, Roz! Laughing @ "taking the plunge!" Good analogy there yourself! Nice one! You'd have been fine. You're not an idiot and you're kind and the most recognizable name in blogland! :) Thanks so much! Hugs, Windy

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    1. You had a double comment and then now they are both gone. Weird. Sorry!!!! Hugs, Windy

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  5. I think it is so healthy not to want to be stereotyped - so many seem to yearn to have a label of some sort attached. I laughed when u wrote u are not a weekend spanker as u do it on wed too lol - a bit like me and my partner - when the mood takes us

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    1. Hello there, May Moore! So nice to see you! I am guilty of wanting to find out where I fit regarding the kinky lifestyle, but I am trying to pull out of it and I definitely don't want to stereotype others. I find it challenging as I am learning not to think it categories. I'm happy to hear you laughed where I hoped you gals/guys would. I laughed when I wrote it. Happy to hear that you and your partner spank on the weekends and weekdays alike! LOL Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Hugs, Windy

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  6. Hi Windy!!! I am so far behind in my reading I think I am back to lurker phase! Sigh. I love this. As long as I can talk with people like you in chat rooms, I am good. I found a new one and the people there seem nice. I have stopped trying to label myself and Sheriff as anything other than us....I do sympathize with the following rules even when you don't want to.....so hard! But I am learning the more I bend, the stronger the Sheriff is.

    Hugs
    Boo

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    1. Hello, Boo! How very nice to see you! I'm so glad you have found some like minded folks to get to know and learn along with them! (and us here!) I hope to see you around more. There's not a lot to catch up on here. We're the same Windy and Storm just trying to make our dynamic work and I'm diving deeper this time and trying to expand on my writing a bit more in among welcoming bloggers. So nice! Take care. Talk soon! Hugs, Windy

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  7. It's good that you are still searching for ways to improve both your and Storm's lives. And I hope you do that forever.

    PK

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    1. Hi, PK! Thanks so much! We are trying! Hugs, Windy

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  8. Sorry I'm late, I was just unchained from the block. lol. Now I'm going to step on it and preach. (snort)
    I sort of chuckled at your train bridge analogy, why? Because when I was a kid we used to jump from them into a river below- however I didn't jump from the top, I stayed on the trusses underneath. Though I did walk along the top, constantly looking back for a train. I'm sure there is some analogy (not so) hidden in there for both those stories.
    Where to begin? Eight years ago next month I wandered into a chat room because a friend wanted me to meet some people she had met there. ( Just an FYI I met this friend because of the woman who screwed up things for you- so at least there is one good thing from her existence. LOL). I was intimidated initially, though I did have my friend with me so it made it for an easier transition. As you know, from that chatroom I befriended 2 people who have become so instrumental in not just our dynamic over the years, but my life. I love them both with my whole heart and I cannot fathom my world without them. To this day, they have continued to support, and challenge me with my thoughts on myself and my submission. I know I can go to one of them, especially, and understanding is there or chastisement depending on the circumstances, but MY best interests are always paramount. There is no hidden agenda. No "look at me I helped this floundering sub" LOL. It is a safe environment and therefore one I feel most comfortable in being vulnerable in.

    (on to part 2)

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    1. There is something both terrifying and freeing about starting online friendships. I completely understand your hesitation as I have been a 'victim' of spiteful lies, copied and pasted partial emails and texts from a woman who for whatever reason decided I was some sort of threat? Fortunately for me I had (and still do) a large group of friends, " behind the blog" who decided to ignore the BS- not live in it, as I did as well and walk this with me. This BS came from the 'all mighty Blogland" so no real space is safer than another is I suppose what I am trying to get at.

      What I did notice in D/s chatrooms though, is the vulnerability level can be higher- if done right. There is no editing to make oneself appear different. There is no obsession with presentation, and blog hits or compliments. It is just out and out communication. Sure this can lead to misunderstandings at times, BUT if chosen, they can be cleared up fairly quickly.

      When I entered this chat room, I would have classified us a 'merely' Dd, little did I know. I think it is important for people to surround themselves with others who have similarities but also who are, at least on the surface so vastly different. Life would become very stagnant if we just stayed inside our safe bubble. I know I'd never have baked anything beyond dry tea biscuits if I didn't decide to open a cook book and ask for help to learn more at aged 10. Not to slight those who love dry ass tea biscuits or think that the ones at Red Lobster are sooooo delish because they have melted oil and cheese on top. For some, that is as experimental as they are going to get, for others it is their fall back when their soufflé collapses . Tea biscuits will always hold a special place in my heart as they were my first foray into the cooking world (outside of a friend's Easy Bake oven and mini, poorly baked cakes). No doubt I carry knowledge with me into more complicated recipes that I gained from tea biscuits, I just don't want to bake/eat them anymore.*wink*

      Anyway, you 'may' get hurt in a chatroom, but hell you and I have already been through BS long before DS, through blogs, so maybe you'll get to a point where if someone tells you to get intimate with a garden tool, you'll just shake your head about how ridiculous THEY are and what insecurities they have to put them in such an aggressive state over words on a screen. AND maybe you'll met your someones who are instrumental in your life - who make you shake off the dead weight of the past by being accepted as you are. Evicting this woman who is still taking up real estate in your head.

      Good luck and ENJOY this new view!!!
      "The Likes Of "...
      willie ;)

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    2. Hi, Willie! Sorry for the delay! Menopause brain fog has set in, I think. I am glad to hear that you untied yourself from the block! lmao Yes, some good friendships have developed despite the malicious intentions of another gal or two. Gosh, we woman can be kind of really not cool to each other. I know you have found precious friends and continue to learn from them. It's great to know that is going on even if the original blog land is no more or mostly no more. I'm glad you and I finally met at the very last second and it is a shame that didn't happen a whole lot sooner. On to part two...........

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    3. Wow, "no real space is safer than another." Just my perception then. I don't know why it surprises me every time someone in a group ruins things for others, but it does. Maybe I am more of a risk taker than I thought especially regarding the online friendships. I have continued to reach out and try it again. It really wasn't a big risk when you and I started talking (finally) because there was nothing that either of us have to threaten one another about, but neither of us knew that at the time. We were both willing to be vulnerable and see what happened. Still, I wish I could do all of it over again and started blogging in a healthier place mentally for me if not also physically on the web. If only I would have listened to my own self early on.... I was reading in this email account that Storm and I have where we only share with one another.... we started it just before I found blogland....... and as I was looking around ttwd blogland, I made some notes for myself as to who I thought was knowledgeable and kind..... and I have "Willie" written down next to "empathetic" and "seems to know what she's talking about"...... LOL. Too cute.

      I am sorry that a lie was spread like wildfire about you and that it kept others from responding to you, especially us new chickenshit bloggers. It wasn't fair especially that it happened to someone who truly has/had blogland's best interests at heart.

      I have a lot of experiences and pain in the ass people that still take up space in my brain. I'm working on it, as you can see me telling on myself as I blog here about my D/s discoveries, and being honest about where I am at. I am indeed, enjoying the new view. I'm a bit overwhelmed trying to get to know new people, their blogs, their writing, and their dynamics, but it is an exciting time for sure. Thank you so much for your encouragement and your friendship. Much love, Windy

      I want tea biscuits! We just had those on Mother's Day and I thought of you and laughed. I'm sure yours are waaaay better!

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